The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life
I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things you said
I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be love suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life
I've known about you for a while now
when he leaves me he wears a smile
as soon as he's away from me
in your arms
is where he wants to be
But you're the one he rushes home to
You're the one he gave his name to
I never see his face in the early morning light
You share his mornings, daytime and
Sometimes I have his nights
but does he love you like he loves me?
does he think of you when he's holding me?
does he whisper all his fantasies?
does he love you like he's been loving me?
but when he's with me
he says he needs me
and that he wants me
and that he believes in me
and when I'm in his arms
how he swears there is no one else
is he decieving me?
or am I decieving myself?
But does he love you like he loves me?
does he think of you when he's holding me?
does he whisper all his fantasies?
does he love you like he's been loving me?
I should not lose my temper
I should not be ashamed
Because I have everything to lose
and I have nothing to gain
But does he love you like he loves me?
Does he think of you when he's holding me?
Does he whisper all his fantasies?
Does he love you like he's been loving me?
Being the other woman has no advantages... only continual heartbreak with no possible way to win....
The wind is whipping my hair back into my face. The feel of its sharp pin points is a comfort in this dark night. I cannot bear to feel anymore. The soul I want to see looking back at me will never smile again, and the lips that long to be loved by those she loves will never feel warmth. I'm tired and alone. No light to guide my way, save that callous and uncaring flourescence of the street lights. Once here I stood a pair of scissors in hand yet now my hands are empty but the pain is the same. I was not left behind, I left of my volition and now in the darkness of the pain I wonder if my hurting is truly worth the pain I'm saving him from. I cannot bear to think about all the men I thought I loved. They have torn through me viciously and yet continue to rip me down, I cannot bear the weight of such a burden. I must simply look for me for now.
My hand is filled with candies that promise a better life and try though I might I cannot seem to stop the want I have for them. One, Two, Three, "such a lightweight" even words can't stop me now. So tired am I of pretending I am fine. I am nothing but a misery who cannot let go. If I showed who I am to someone, they might never smile again for the sadness inside of me, so down it goes and away it's hid. And yet again I long for the feel of my darling little forget-me-not candies.
Down the road, where once on jogs I might've turned around. There I stopped and lingered still, but did not turn around.
My heart grew hard and carried on a beat deep inside of me.
I kept on going past the marker to see what lay ahead. There I found I could not think, lest I surely drown.
So stopped was I with feelings deep, I found I could not run.
So there I waited to clear my head and yet it all grew worse. The trees that once would stand me up, now have all grown weak.
Water once that lifted me, has begun to let me sink.
And now, upon my road, where once I could have run. I find myself so stopped inside, I cannot hardly stand.
All men think of one thing. Getting into my fucking pants.
I was nearly attacked on my way home tonight by a guy I don't know very well. He was giving me a lift and is a friend of a friend. He tried to push himself on me when he knew I have a boyfriend. Men are fucking animals.
I hate men.
I may never have sex, fucking pigs.
I wish there was someone I could talk to, just as a friend, who would understand, someone who would be my friend because being my friend is enough. Not because they want in my pants. I am so tired of being used...
I've been working myself to death, but the odd thing is that I'm actually kinda happy lately. But also I've been kinda sick so don't worry if I don't write you for a while.
I am numb.
I watched a movie about a woman who waited all day for her fiancé to show up at the wedding. I watched a fiancé struggle to return to the woman he loved and I saw a man fall in love with his fiancée all over again. I watched this broken as I am. I watched this dying as I am.
I cannot move forward or backward. I can simply stay. Simply be. Forever broken and un-forgiven. I cannot watch this tired movie any longer. The brokenness, the silent pain, the everlasting confusion. If I resign myself to no longer love, to no longer feel, perhaps I can survive once more. Day in, Day out. No emotion. No fear. No regrets.
One handed I wish I could drive the knife. Silent. Deadly. Irreversible. I would perish, and still survive. Undead. Unliving. Unhuman. A broken mask is easily tossed aside. A broken soul however cannot feel what it doesn’t believe it lacks. I have no purpose. No reason for changing, for growing, for living, or loving.
The cement stares back at me. Cold. Hard. This will be it. No crying. No feeling. No missing what once I would have fought for.
Heart, this is my last letter. Perhaps this is my final goodbye. Heart. I loved every minute you let me know I lived. But time is growing short. I cannot bear the weight one lone heart endures. I kept watch over you. Through the long nights in silent companionship. There we were. Together. But too many are the risks I face. A heart such as you is no benefit to anyone. A heart that cannot be loved. I loved few people in my life. I dearly gave them all I had to offer. One, taken. One, pulled from my fingers. One, by choice. I cannot love for fear that I will break. I cannot feel for fear that I would understand what I wish to do tonight.
It is not my life to be given all that which I doubt I deserve. It is my life to understand the burden I bear. I am weak. Weaker now then when I had no concern. I always feared losing more than being alone. I used to sit in my room for hours. Alone. Not talking, not moving. Just… being. Alone. I feared the loss more than I feared being eternally alone.
In the end, caring little for most and loving few has still backfired. I could weep for years at the losses I have suffered. I didn’t cry. Now it seems, looking back on my unnumbered silences that I realize how much I don’t wish to feel at all.
I want to forget all my brokenness. I want to forget.
Forget Dianne, and how she loved me. How she believed in me.
Forget Stephanie, who should not have been taken.
Forget Jessica. She will be one of the hardest to forget. But please, dear heart, soul. Forget her. I cannot bear the separation. It is though my soul is being ripped from me. I cannot bear such burdens without her.
But mostly. Forget John. Forget everything he said. Everything he made you feel. Nothing can come of loving a lie. No tears. No feeling. He is lost to you now. Dear heart, please understand. He is the most dangerous foe of all. He will break you. He will leave you. He doesn’t even want you. Dear heart. He will show everything. He will light the rooms with a smile. He will melt you. There is nothing you could hide from him. But he will not know. He will never return what you feel.
Heart, dear beating pulse. You have nothing left to gain and you have already lost everything. Your worst fear has come to pass because you were weak. Because you gave yourself to someone who never knew you.
It will be painless. Sweet destruction. I promise you will be remembered. But the hour is growing late. No time for looking back. Heart. I need you no more. Dear friend, who pains me, I would live for you, for each moment of feeling, had you not deceived me.
You promised me, I could be loved. A lie I fell for, time and again. I have lost too much to turn back now. Too many memories. Too much pain. I have suffered more than any. All for you. I loved for you. It is too late. I have put this task aside too many times.
Goodbye dear soul. Farewell tempestuous emotions. I cannot forgive the deception.
Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorous on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.
The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.
Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.
Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.
The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.
The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.
fingertips brush my hair
i can feel him crawling
ripping all i thought i was
bitter red blood
it aches through me
and i am gone
lost in pain
tortured by my despair
he is coming
save me
crushed beneath
a thousand whispers
of a life i can never have
i am lying here
crying weakly
don't you hear it?
screaming in the night
the ache of your trechery
burning the core of who i am
it pounds
beneath my screaming breast
help me
anyone