so no longer confused. i really do love ryan.The world has righted itself again.
It always does now if i could just find a flippen job the world wouldn't be so tough anymore but then on the contary it could be twice as hard getting back and forth to work since i don't have a ride.
I wish bowling would end. it's really boring. I want soccer season to start again.
I talked to Ryan dad last night and he inspired me to do better. To study hard to work hard. he said that's how you get ahead in life and i really do agree. unless you win the lotery or somethig which hey i can't do not 18 yet. well got to get some leaning done.

I'm Sorry...

To my mom who a can't protect.

To Ryan because I was mean

To Duane who I can't help

To my Father who I can't stop using as a scape goat from my mom's house.

To my friends who will never truely know me.

To all those who know me

To all those who don't know me

To my brother and sister who I will always love know matter how much I pick on them.

We speak in circles and repeat ourselves and swear and use slang, make-up outregous stories Lie and cry and throw ourselves to the ground, cut and bleed, fight and drink, flip write, kiss,hug,love hate, dream scream, smile laugh, sneak, create, build, run jump, drink, think, watch, copy, ask, experience, listen,tatse, hear,work, live and die,


all we want is for someone to hear us

But they never will

Shut the Fuck up
I can't trust you
I hate you
All you want is acohol
Did you take your pill
You're so twisted you cunt
You're a cheat maybe I should do it to you
I didn't cheat
All you want is you motorcycle you don't want me
Shut up you ass hole
Why'd you come back
You begged me too
I never wanted you
You asked me back you twisted mother fucking
Don't come near me...

(You know the rest)

This is what I hear. This is what I listen to. My mother is bi-polar. I can't tell if she loves me or not.
You can't help me.
You can't cover my ears.
You can't stop them and neither can I.

Could you love me?

Another day.
iT's beautiful. I met a kid named Craig while I was at the hospital with my brother.
He was there for suicidal tendencies and I wonder why the hell any one could do that.
Everyone has thought about it sure.

I never knew my real father until I was 6. I was lied to all those years into thinking my brothers family was my own. Imagine the shock of knowing everything you thought was yours everything you know and love is not really there. I haven't spoken with any one from that memory since the day I met my reall father.

My mother told me strait to my face that everyday I live, I make her want to kill herself.

My step-father is a drunk. He hit my brother then my mother told my not to say anyhting when the cop showed up or he would go to jail. I didn;t say anything.

My mother is bi-polar. I love her mean side.

I feel that life is a dream and when we die is when we wake up

I am a perfect balance between good and evil.

I hate my friends and they'll never know.

I feel that people are always forgeting about me.

I am insecure to the point where I can't walk into a store without my brother because I think too much of what everyong thinks of me.

I hate motorcycles.

School is my second home.

I keep secrets from everyone. They'll never know.

I am a cutter.

I was raped when I was 5.



All this and I am still not suicidal.@>------

1.At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2.Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice.
3.Every time people ask you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4.Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5.Put decaff in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine additions, switch to espresso.
6.in the memo field of all of your checks write "for sexual favors"
7.Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy"
8.Don't use any punctuation marks
9.As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10.Ask people what sex they are. Laugh after they answer.
11.specify that your drive-through order is "to go"
12.Sing along at the opera.
13.Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14.Put mosquito netting around your work area and play a tape of jungle sounds.
15.Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood
16.Have your friends address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Devon.
17.When the money comes out the ATM, scream,”I won, I won, 3rd time this week!"
18.When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot screaming,” run for your lives, they’re loose!"
19.Tell your children over dinner,” Due to the economy we are going to have to let one of you go

So it's another day. My boyfriend loves me and my friends are still my friends and everything seems right, but it's not. I'm moving to a new house. I've moved in and I love it but everything is still packed and I'm sharing a room with my pugnacious little sister. I love her to death but I'm gonna be a little whinning brat and complain. I have no place to sit in silence and simply think as I always do. I have no place to cut without the worry of her walking in. She's only 7 and may not understand, but I won't risk tramatizing her.

I always feel that everything around me is not real. Like life is a dream and I can't stop thinking about this movie I watched called the waking life which debates whether life is real or just a dream. My mother shoots it down as if it's nothing and my father thinks to much.

I live half with mom and half with dad now. It's every 3 days I switch back and forth. I hate it but it's what I said I wanted in court so now I live with it. My dad isn't as great as I thought he'd be and my mother's time is spent inn chores and rumors and lies and defeat.

I need serenity.

debating and arguing are all i hear life in itself seems so dear. what's this world coming to when all anyone does is beat on you. 

sick of life but not enough to be suicidal lol

I'm tring to get some people to talk to me. I feel lonely at elftown. send me a message so I know that you know i exist. you people make me feel sad.