He asked me if I'd ever prayed. I said I hadn't.
A lie, that was. I wish I'd told him the truth, just to see his reaction. The truth is I did pray once. Just once... no, make that twice. The first time, I can't have been more than eleven, and I begged to be taken away. The second time, I was seventeen and asking for something to believe in. There was never a response. None. I wish I'd told him that I know that even if God exists, he's a busy man, and I'll never be one of his children. I wish I'd told him that the Bible is nothing more than mythology to me. I wish I could have told that complete and utter stranger how fucking tired I am of my life, and how God or Jesus or whoever is not going to save me, because they're not real for me and I'm not real for them and I am not one of his children.
...uh, yeah, just ignore this little piece of bitterness here if you want to. I don't know why I get so angry.
Also, apologies to those who do believe. Sometimes, I wish I could share your faith. But I can't, and I never will. It just isn't meant to be that way. And no, I don't really want to talk about it.
Had young mormon men at our door :o
The one who did the talking had an adorable accent, though I had a tiny bit of trouble understanding him because of it. We chatted a bit, but in the end I just sent 'em on their way.
Darn he was cute. >_<
I has another villanelle. I know the rhythm is off, but I really, really would like some opinions on this. The vignette, too. *points at mood and previous entry*
Bound maiden
With crown of feathers upon fairest hair
see this fragile form not meant to bow
proudly she bends her head to prayer
Elven child of Earth, now laid bare
forced to break each sacred vow
with crown of feathers upon fairest hair
Her wings bound, yet she will not despair
or question her people, her goddess how
proudly she bends her head to prayer
With one last song she will ensnare
and plant seeds of hope, defiant now
with crown of feathers upon fairest hair
As in a dream she becomes aware
of caresses upon pale fevered brow
with crown of feathers upon fairest hair
proudly she bends her head to prayer
Tea and Roses <- story for the 'Paradise' theme!
If you're able to breathe safety
stability, take it in like air--
large gulps, as if starved
for the sensation
(for peace from clamouring voices)
if you are able--
Take no note of
the scars and scratches--
mere illusions
(illusions, stains in your eyes)
get the silence you need
in familiar arms
and spare no thought
(not a single one)
to the reality that awaits--
cold, lonely, so far away
If you're at the end of your rope
search for the ground under your feet.
I has villanelle. Comment plz.
Within the lights
Come, now, do not be coy
as the dance, the pulse grows
take refuge in this joy
Do you see that frail boy
who all his burden throws?
Come, now, do not be coy
Who would this haven destroy?
As mortality slows
take refuge in this joy
No denial to alloy
where your heart tonight goes
come, now, do not be coy
take refuge in this joy
New single from Damn Seagulls is out! Go listen. :3
http://www.dam
Someone fails, probably me. I can't seem to actually download the song, which is very sad indeed.
It's official, I'm an art model now. o_o
The first session was today. The class consists of a handful of mostly middle-aged people. I kept my clothes on, but next time I'll be nekkid.
I. Um. Hope my arm will have healed sufficiently by then.
I... got a self-reminder message. A quote. By St. Clement of Alexandra.
"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes."
This is all well and good, but I've never scheduled any messages. Upon checking, I saw that there are more scheduled at irregular intervals. One for November. Two for both December and January, respectively. And I am going wtf.
No, yeah, it's a nice surprise, but I got slightly freaked out xD Thanks. If I focus on them enough, they may actually help me.
I have my suspicions as to the guilty responsible party. :P
Trin left D:
But, well, we had fun. Ate lots of ice cream and candy and foxberry muffins. And went camera-happy in town. It was a good weekend. :3
Tomorrow I'm going hoooooome. For a whole week. It'll do good for me. <3
"Keep smiling," says Ian. Pretty much out of nowhere, but it means a lot that he'd care.
Trying...
Well. Trin will be here in about five hours.
Stolered.
Think of five names, spontaneously
Laura
Jukka
Allison
Trin
Squee
DON'T LOOK AHEAD UNLESS YOU FILLED UP THE TOP!!
1. How did you meet #3?
Right here! I don't remember the particulars, but we probably started chatting on wikis and forums. Then I signed up to take Maria Magdelena - although I don't remember whether that was before or after we added each other on MSN. At some point she proposed a relation, we started talking even more, and what do you know... she's my beloved little sister now. <3
2. What would you do if #2 and #5 were going out?
Be quite shocked, and pinch myself because surely it would have to be a dream.
3. How long have you known #2?
About three years. We'd been on the same channel (for Finnish nanoers) for a while, a month or two maybe, but I only really became aware of him when he was recruiting people to go with him to see the fourth Potter film.
A month later, we were a couple. <_<
4. How do you know #5?
Again, from here. And again, I'm blanking on the details. We do have 98 pages' worth of messages since July 2006, and the first one suggests we'd known for some time before that as well...
5. What would you do if #4 confessed they loved you?
But she does love me!
Ha. That's what you get for posing ambiguous questions. But no, really, I'd be quite surprised, since last I checked she only plays for one team.
6. A fact about #1.
She's diabetic and tends to scare me half to death. :3
Oh, and she likes groping my cleavage. I'll never get her to stop, so I've just resigned myself to restricting her from doing it in public.
7. Who is #2 going out with?
No one, as far as I know.
8. What does #5 do for a living?
Sheeeee's working in a bakery? Yeah? <_<
9. Would you live with #3?
This was in the plans at some point, as a matter of fact. :P
There is no ten! :O
11. What do you like about #1?
Quite a lot. How she takes care of me, how she's gentle with those she cares about, her sense of humour (most of the time), her ability to spin stories on the spot... I also envy her for being so... open. >_<
12. What would you do if #2 died?
Angst. And cry. And curse. And call him a bastard.
13. Do you miss #1?
You have no idea.
14. What is your opinion of #3?
Lovely <3
She's cute, lively, crazy, beautiful, thoughtful, considerate, sensitive... shall I go on?
15. Would you ever go out with #1?
If she weren't my de facto older sister... yeah, sure :D
17. Ever get really personal with #1?
Depends on the definition.
18. Have you ever slept over at #5's house?
Nuh-uh. I hope to, one day. ;3
19.Do you think number #4 is attractive?
I'd do her. :P
20. What do you like about #2?
Uhm... His intelligence, sense of humour (most of the time), geekiness, trivia-infeste
21. What would you do if #1 died?
Contemplate going right after her.
22. Are you dating #2?
Used to. First he broke up with me after five months. Then there was a ten-month interval during which we were simply good friends and I was finding it hard to get over him. Then when I was finally starting to recover, we started again. Dated for another five months, and then I left him and decided that while he might have been something like the love of my life, we shouldn't ever be a couple.
23. Name one quality of #5?
Hilarious. :P
Ever heard of the film 2:37?
Neither had I. Saw it about a month ago, was intrigued, and today finally rented. Get it and watch it.
http://www.imd
I am a decent writer. Good, even.
I need to be better.
*inferiority complex*
More Japanese music! Mika's fault again.
http://www.you
Wtf one of my nude stock photos was reported? WTF?
Your deviation, listed below, has been made temporarily unavailable from deviantART due to it containing nudity or a model of questionable age, and therefore we require a Model Release Form
Uh, well, I'm pretty darn sure I marked it as containing nudity so... Questionable age? Wtf? >_<
*sigh* Apparently I look a bit too young... And some douchebag didn't get that I was modeling myself. For chrissakes... *goes bitch to Help Desk*
If you're at all open to music in Japanese, check out Shiina Ringo. Mika (the friend from the previous entry) played some of her songs for me and now I'm quite hooked.
YouTube link for the lazy:
http://www.you
Failed the phonetics exam. >_<
Which is... just... pathetic. I mean, even with guesswork, it should still be pretty hard to get enough answers wrong - it was a true/false type of exam, fifty claims... and... uuuungh.
This is not good for my mental state. I've been unsteady enough lately without this sort of thing. Then again, the unsteadiness is probably what caused me to fail... No energy to study means bigger chance of flunking.
I just hope I'll pass the Finnish structures exam of this morning. If not, I... gah.
And then there's that Writing Skills course. Oh, gods, the Writing Skills. If my first essay was bad, the second one was worse, and I turned it in a day too late. Maybe it'll get better if I could just find some focus somewhere... maybe...
Please can I just die? Or disappear. Either works for me.
Of course, what I really need is a good long cuddle. I was momentarily comforted by going to see a... sort-of friend. Had a bit of a cry, listened to music, drank tea. Just chatted. And I hugged him before I left (to finish the darn essay), the memory of which kept me going until around the time I saw Mikko. Mood started going downwards from there, and then there were the exam results and. Yeah. Even Pronunciation class didn't cheer me up, and usually classes with Ian are the high points of my day.
So. I.
Need to get over how pretty Mikko is. The crush is detrimental to my mental health. (Hmm, repetition there. Interesting.)
Have to find out when I can re-take the phonetics exam and actually study for it.
Should try to shape up a bit in Writing Skills.
Need a friend I can be open with. Now my hunger for affection and the separation anxiety is just killing me. I hope the aforementioned person won't mind a Lami-shaped clingy thing in his life.
Uh. Yeah.
Uni is lovely, but my mood swings are worse now than what they have been in the last year or two, and my studies suffer for it.
I has a T-shirt design, lol. It's terribly cheesy, but maybe - just maybe - someone will like it enough to buy one. :P
http://www.red
This is supposed to be a good piece? This?
I think I must crash them back down to earth. Structure, description, dialogue, everything is second-rate. I'll just have to be a little less harsh when I actually comment...
Contains lesbian erotica, do not view if (for some peculiar reason) icked by it.
http://b3nwa.d