[Linderel]'s diary
She was a quiet one. Always had been, and probably always would be. She often went unnoticed, being as quiet as she was, but she never minded. She could happily occupy herself with books and when she bothered with the world, she preferred the observer's position above any other. She rarely felt that she had something to give and when she did, she gave to those few who acknowledged her existence. Her life was simple enough. She was content.
This changed, of course, as things do. The year when her body decided that it was done morphing into expected yet unrecognisable shapes she came to a troubling realisation: she now wished to be noticed, if by no one else then by the apothecarist's son. That same year, her mother's health had begun to fail and it fell to her to fetch the myriads of medicines prescribed. Nothing seemed to help. She had to return time and again, and more often than not she would see the young man while running her errand. He was pleasant in all possible meanings of the word and, burned with shame as she was by the thought, she came to enjoy her meetings with him - even if he tended to look right through her. For him, she was not there, or at least no more of consequence than a lone moth that had strayed into the shop.
She tried to engage him in conversation but could not quite figure out how. She had never really tried before. There had been no point as she had not had anything to offer. But now a spark had lit, somewhere inside, and she wished to share it. She hoped, if she made herself audible, that he would see her. She tried and tried until she could only taste dust, and the last time she did she thought she felt a wingtip brush her lip.
She thought her lungs and throat were full of caterpillars. They must have been, for she could never speak a word past the butterflies in her mouth. By the end of summer, the apothecarist's son was betrothed, and she fell back to her silence. Soon after, her mother finally faded away.
The girl became a ghost.
One day in early autumn when the sun still had warmth enough to send through golden-red leaves and birds twittered among themselves, preparing to fly to warmer climates, she found a new path splitting the forest near her house.
For a small moment, she stared at it, hesitating. There was something different. Then she looked back and felt that spark flare one last time. She took a step and knew exactly where she was going.
The walk was long, but she never stumbled or faltered. Late in the evening she came to a clearing, like any other clearing in any other forest. The grey-white rock, placed roughly in the middle, looked inviting. She did not question it.
Sitting down on that rock, gathering her tattered clothes about her figure, she waited for the sun to set. As the last rays hit her eyes, blinding her, she opened her mouth and curved her back. Her bony fingers shook.
A cloud of blue and brown butterflies fluttered up to the trees and fell into dust.
I'll probably be going on a date this weekend. :)
Written about Monday 2010-09-06
Written: (5144 days ago)
Huh. I've spent so much of my life looking down at the ground that it feels almost unnatural to hold my head up straight while walking. Avoidant personality ftw! (Although this does enable me to notice more bug action.)
Spent the last couple of hours at the botanical garden. Encountered a rabbit, a squirrel, many (sneaky little bugger) birds and a few dragonflies, most of which were HUGE. Wingspan-longe
You think you're just going on a quick grocery run. Nab the stuff you need, pay the clerk, come back. Except that I was ambushed by the hair product shelf and now I'm thinking about dyeing my hair again. Hummmm. Now to just decide on the colour.
(No, Jitter, I am not doing black. I don't want to look like one of the undead on a daily basis. xD)
Written about Thursday 2010-09-02
Written: (5148 days ago)
wisp
woodsmoke curls between us
obscuring vision but I still know
you are not perfect
and I was never beautiful
yet what is here
lighted by the glowing embers
passes slowly into night
and twines, warm, around my heart
D'awwwwwwwwwww
http://www.wim
Written about Sunday 2010-08-22
Written: (5159 days ago)
No, I have no idea. It just happened.
Assembly Line
Please deposit your clothes on
the assembly line
h e r e
prepare for
sanitisation
desensitisatio
(demoralisation)
take care
to pick up your watch at the other end
check your smile in the mirror provided
step
out
the
door
and
enter.
A week left, then I'm heading back north to Oulu.
Starting to fray around the edges. Too much stuff. D:
Written about Thursday 2010-08-19
Written: (5162 days ago)
Snatched from [hannes].
1. What is your religious upbringing?
Void. My parents left church long before I was born and I've been free to make my own decisions about religion. In school, I attended ethics (basically a mix of philosophy and world religions) lessons.
2. Do you currently attend worship services?
Nope. I am still sans religious affiliation.
3. Do you use any drugs including alcohol and tobacco (not caffeine)?
Painkillers when necessary (what? they are drugs you know). Tobacco, never. Alcohol yes, but quite rarely.
4. Are you superstitious?
In some ways.
5. Do you censor your thoughts or ever worry someone can "hear" them?
Censor, yes. Worry that someone can hear them... no.
6. What kind of music do you like? Do you ever sit down and listen to music (i.e. not background music)?
All kinds, really, and I'll try anything once. And yes, occasionally I do - mostly when I'm listening to something new. :)
7. Describe your loss (or lack) of belief in the Easter bunny or Santa or Sinterklaas or anything similar that exists in your culture
Can't remember, sorry. :P
8. How is your relationship with your parents?
It's pretty okay. I've come to appreciate just how lenient they actually are and always have been, even if I don't always get along with them. I'm clearly more in tune with my mum than my dad, because we (mum and I) are so similar. I've always been a momma's girl.
9. What do you want to happen when you die? An afterlife, or no? Details?
I want to be cremated and the ashes to be spread somewhere beautiful. Funeral is optional, but a party celebrating life is mandatory. As for an afterlife... well, I don't believe in Heaven or Hell (and if they do exist I'm probably headed for the latter for being a pagan and stuff) but I do put some faith in reincarnation.
10. Do any of the following apply to you: homosexual/bis
I define myself as pansexual. Pro-choice, definitely. Polyamory is fine as long as everyone involved is alright with it, although I'm not too sure I would be.
11. What do you like to read, or watch on TV?
Classics, fantasy, sci-fi, textbooks, poetry... a bit of this and that, really. As for television, I'm fond of costume drama and crime drama.
12. How well you do deal with anger?
Not quite as well as I would like to.
13. How much do you know about world culture/histor
Too little.
14. Do you believe in a soul? If so, describe it.
Yes.
15. How much have your religious views changed since you were very young? Have you converted to a different religion or to or from atheism/agnost
I don't remember what my views were when I was very young. I have at some various points in my life believed, or at least wanted to believe, in some kind of deity - be it God or Gaia. Mostly, though, I've remained agnostic throughout the time I can remember,
16. What is your favorite and least favorite animal and why?
Cats. Meow. I've always simply felt a peculiar affinity to them. I'm also fond of various other animals and bugs.
There is nothing I would consider my 'least favourite' critter.
17. What is the most moving thing that has ever happened to you that is not explicitly religious?
I... don't have an answer for this.
18. Will you be disappointed if nothing happens in 2012?
Quite. Like [hannes] put it, something happens every year. I will also be rather disappointed if some sort of apocalypse does take place. I'm so not ready for that.
For those of you on dA: http://news.de
Written about Sunday 2010-08-15
Written: (5166 days ago)
Dudes! I did a BUNGEE JUMP. I think this entitles me to feel awesome.
edit: Have video. http://www.you
<3
Written about Wednesday 2010-08-11
Written: (5170 days ago)
http://www.for
Clicky.
Written about Wednesday 2010-08-04
Written: (5177 days ago)
And then, we have the year's first vignette. The first one in English, anyway. Mona. Click it. You know you want to.
So here's how it is: for months, she has thought that we have an understanding. The liking is quite mutual (yay she likes me too!) but we are staying merely friends because we don't want to screw anything up. This has never been directly communicated and I am slightly dense when it comes to these matters, so. Yeah.
We are in a non-relationsh
It's a relief to no longer be hiding. :)
Side note. Ow. Fell down and skinned my knees and left elbow. Plus there is now a tear in my skull-patterne