In other news, I just ordered that book by Ursula Vernon from Amazon.com (since that other shop hadn't opened yet, even though it should have), and now I simply need to figure out what self-made to give the boy. I'm running out of time here, and I still haven't the slightest clue...

Oh, and I told my mother about the school thing. As predicted, she took it well enough. But I'll try my best. And she doesn't need me to pay back the money, but rather, save for the future what I can get from a summer job. Assuming I'll get one for this summer anyways. And she said she'll contact a psychiatrist for me.

We agreed that I'll try it for a while, but I made no promises. If I don't think it's working, I won't continue. Everyone seems to be satisfied enough with that.


... who reads this crap anyways? :P

Tired. Too tired. I want to know what the hell is wrong with me.

And the boy wants me to go to a psychiatrist, because, the way things are now, we're just both hurting. Because of my stupid, stupid issues.

You know, I still sometimes feel like it's too much trouble to try to go on. But then I remember how much I love him, how much I love Laura and Hukka and Lenn and the promise I made to Lenn... And I continue.

I'm so tired sometimes, weary to the bone, to the soul. I know I'm ill, I know it, both physically and mentally. But the knowledge doesn't help all that much.

Even so, damn me if I'm giving up.


To be less angsty, I figured out this schoolyear will not be very successful. It's too late to try and do everything now; I lack the motivation. So I'll just do the courses I'm attending at the moment, and leave the rest to be. The ones for which I have unfinished stuff, and the ones that I haven't yet started on. I won't get my certificate - or whatever it is in English - at the end of the year, and my mother will not be very pleased. After all, she had to take a loan to pay the fees. But I think that if I explain to her that I've learned my lesson and now want to concentrate on the university entrance exam as much as possible, she'll understand.

But I need to get a summer job or she'll really kill me. I have to start paying her back, no matter how slow it might be.

And now I must read to the theatre history exam I have tomorrow. Don't want to fail that one.

I'm achy all over and the day ahead intimidates me slightly. Nothing wrong with the classes - now I'm on a break from the Linguistics & Culture class, after that will be a lunch break and then probably the last lecture of the History of the USA class, and after that I'll have to drag myself over to downtown Helsinki for the Development & Security class...

But the thing is, I'm still not entirely used to these long Wednesdays. I'm exhausted after the day. Hell, I'm not even fully awake now, I just want to curl up with a blanket somewhere and go to sleep. I have way too much sleep debt for my own liking. I have those tell-tale shadows beneath my eyes and with this complexion, it's starting to look freaky sometime soon.

In spite of all this whine, it was not the point. The point was to tell you that we have a Welshman holding the lecture this morning.

I have just fallen in love with yet another language. So let's see, what I want to learn at some point or another in my life... German (again), Japanese, Latin, Greek, French, Russian, Italian, Spanish, Welsh... At least. I might have forgotten something.

And now I run before I'm late again.

(That girl still troubles me, this is one of the classes I share with her.)

There is this one girl at school with whom I share a couple of English classes. One who has spiky hair and a pierced lip and wears black clothes with influences from the gosurori style. Seems a nice lass, though I've only spoken with her a little. Maybe even some full sentences, and that's actually a lot when one considers how utterly unsociable I've been during my time there.

Anyways.

She stares at me. Doesn't really even cover it up. I noticed this in the autumn semester, but I managed to ignore it then, and even forget about it for a while. But now it's more obvious.

It's disturbing, because I can't read her, I don't know what the hell she's thinking. And I've only been able to find two explanations for this: a) she thinks I'm weird and is trying to figure out what/who the hell I am b) she has a crush on me. And I really really hope it's not the latter.

Besides, I wouldn't believe it anyway, even if it were so. I'm not buying the notion of me having any appeal just yet. Even though previous (and current <3) evidence would seem to suggest otherwise. Agh, confusion, appearance crisis!

Anyway.

It bothers me.

Alright. I have a habit, when giving out presents to those that I do give presents to, make it one part purchased, one or two parts at least partly handcrafted by yours truly.

I have figured out what to buy teh boy for his birthday (which, for the curious to know, will be this: http://www.sofawolf.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=35). Now I'd just need to come up with something I can craft...

We had an Iraqi man distribute these to us when he visited a lecture. I also found out that 'bush' apparently means 'empty bottle'. Typos are his (or whoever's that wrote the list), not mine.




Symptoms of being Iraqi


You know you're Iraqi when...

1. You originally have no Arabic blood, you're Turkish, Iranian, Assyrian, Cheldean, Kurdish, Turkomani, or Indian origin, but somehow you're Arab.
2. When surrounded by other Arab nationalities and you speak Iraqi, no one knows the hell you're saying.
3. When talking to Egyptian your Iraqi accent turns Egyptian, when talking to Lebanese, your accent turns Lebanese etc.
4. If you're a guy, all the Iraqi women already have their eyes on you and want you for their daughter.
5. If you're a girl, all the Iraqi women think they're sons are too good for you.
6. When Iraqi women get together, they all compete in 'Who's got the loudest voice?'
7. Every Iraqi family is dysfunctional in one way or another.
8. Every Iraqi a bit of Im3adee in them.
9. Iraqis have an exclusive swearing vocabulary ranging from 'incheb-ee', 'slayma', 'sarsaree', 'thowla', 'booma', 'quz al qurt', 'ghabra' etc.
10. There is no such thing as elegant eating in an Iraqi household.
11. Everyone has at least Ali in their immediate family.
12. If lunch doesn't include rice, it's not considered a meal.
13. Kathem al Saher considered Handsome amongst Iraqis.
14. When Iraqis guys pick up girls, their approach is maybe a bit too aggressive, "Hay shlown jamal ya bint al kalb," "lich hay weyn raiha, ta3ali ihnana," "shinoo hal kaykah."
15. Being romantic is foreign to Iraqis, when they try to be, it's so unsuitable that the ladies prefer the true Iraqi way better.
16. Every Iraqi knows every family in the entire nation of Iraq, and some how you always know a specific story about them.
17. Every Iraqi you met was a neighbor or is a neighbor back home.
18. When Iraqis dance to Adel Uogla or Hatim Al Iraqi, everyone returns to their Im3edi roots. Everyone goes wild, and all the other non-Iraqis get scared.
19. Saying the word 'Baghdad' makes Iraqis cry hysterically.
20. During a wedding, all the young single people are checking each other out.
21. You've been beaten to death by 'Na3aal' at least once in your life.
22. It is not biologically possible for Iraqis to have small noses.
23. Sarcasm is part of Iraqi DNA, you never know whether the joke is a joke or not!
24. To be Iraqi you must drink chai five times a day.

I'm addicted to knowledge,
and strive for an education
broad education
but at heart, I am not an
academic writer
but rather a poet
an author of fictitious stories
of fantasy, sword and sorcery
of things that go thud in the night
and leave only silence behind

Every dictator,
every warlord, I bet
has been a poet
for who else
could invent such terrifying things
to do to other human beings
than a poet?

Indeed, each of our darkest thoughts
is one's entertainment
and another's peril

sudden full stop.

---
Umm... something? Just a thought I had today. Somehow I felt compelled to write it in a form like this.

It's been a while since I cried in school. Alright, only about a year, if even that. Anyways. That's a while.

It might happen again today, at some point or another. In the evening at the latest, when I have the development studies lecture. Want to know why?

No matter, I'll tell you anyway.

I'm just supposed to do a presentation today, of a text with a partner, who ended up typing the PowerPoint document all by herself because there was a communication glitch that happened because of my minsunderstanding. And I can't even follow her suggestion of bringing up a topic for discussion after the presentation, because I haven't read the text I'd needed to have read to do that.

I feel like a major screw-up, and I feel stupid, and really really guilty.

What in a way makes it worse is that I know I'm neither the first nor the last one to be in a situation like this, and that I shouldn't be stressing about it so much. But I can't help myself. I just feel so... useless.

Very fortunate that most people on my friends list won't understand that newest featured poem, as it's so icky sweet it makes even me sick, and I'm the one wearing pink sunglasses. :P

However, translation is provided to anyone who is insane enough to ask for one.

I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me this week. The mood swings have been really violent. During the day, I can be confident and determined and all that jazz, but then I get hurt by something he says or does or doesn't do, and most of those times it's without a real reason, and gah.

And I've cried an awful lot. I think I stopped keeping count after that previous entry. Not that it would be of interest to anyone but...

Yeah, well. So basically I'm feeling a bit messed up now, more so than usual. So very melancholy. Tired. *sigh*
Destroyed some brain cells yesterday evening, too. For a moment I reverted to my old habit of bashing my head against the wall, as a kind of punishment. I'm like Dobby. Ha ha.

Oh, on Wednesday I made a longish rambling entry to my LJ about self-image, which I'm too lazy to copy here. Go read it, 'kay? You don't have to, of course, but it might tell you something new about me.


Edit: My monthlies started. I refuse to believe I have been PMSing.

It is only the night between Tuesday and Wednesday and already I have cried four times this week. Sigh.
Crying makes me sleepy. And gives me a headache. Double sigh.

Heading over to bed now.

The boy gets to go to Scotland this summer.
Yay for him! and everything. I'm glad that he gets to travel.
But I'm slightly upset that I can't go with him, because a) he will be there for a week, and a week is a long time for me, especially if we cannot keep in contact via Internet and b) I've always wanted to go to Scotland myself.

I feel very childish. I'm crying because of this, for goodnessakes! *sigh* Oh, well. I'll get over it. I guess.



edit at 12:39 ET time: Meow. =^.^=

It's getting better now.
I am faster to regain balance, which is good.

It was a silly thing to become upset over anyways. ^.^
I have now resolved to simply demand lots of photographs. And something for a souvenir. Nyah.

But due to the crying, my eyes feel funny, I'm tired and slightly headachy.
My concentration is shot. ^.^
I'm hungry, too, but I don't know if that relates. Oh well.

I'll buy something from Kamppi to eat during the lecture. And paper. Need paper.

Well, I hope I'll snap out of this slightly catatonic state enough to jut down some notes. And get at least some of the things in the to-do list done.

Wargh.

To-do list for real life responsibilities, week 12

20.03.
- apply for summer job
- pay bills
- notify course keepers of preferred presentation topic
- start reading for development studies exam
- reserve plays from library
- wash dishes

21.03.
- look for jobs
- read for dev. studies exam

22.03.
- sign up for dev. studies exam
- read for dev. studies exam
- write lecture journal 1

23.03.
- choose topic for seminar work
- read for dev. studies exam
- look for jobs
- write lecture journal 2?

24.03.
- begin working on seminar work
- read for dev. studies exam


Let's see how it will go...

(During the weekend, clean up the gorram friggin' table.)

Just writing out my annoyance at another issue which I shall not start explaining here. If you really want to know, ask. If you already know, you can go ahead and tell me not to take it so hard.


The idiots, the fools!
I am repelled
by this ignorant stupidity
that allows you to sneer at me
in vehement distaste
Just point that finger
some other way, kid
and think for a change
beyond your own smartass nose



(Needless to say, this will probably never end up in CBW. Blahhh.)

Okay, now the world definitely has something against me. I checked the homepage of one of the two development studies courses I'm doing now and they still haven't got the materials of Thursday's lecture there. Why the fuss, you ask? Well, I'm supposed to write a lecture diary for the course, and even though I took down my own supportive notes, I need those basic note materials to write the damn diary. Sigh. So I won't be getting anywhere with that one this week.

Well, the priority lies with the Mardi Gras presentation. I'm supposed to have it tomorrow. Yikes.

Raaargh! Cancelled! The lecture was god-damn-friggin' cancelled! Cue major annoyance at the people who failed to show up.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't for the fact that I woke up 05:45 and I'm tired. Grrr.

End whine.

I designed a tattoo today. I'll probably take it as a birthday present for myself in November. I'm not fully set on the colours, but this is what it will more or less look like.




Before that, in the summer, I'll be taking the kanji for freedom to my right shoulder. I was inspired by this song: http://www.animelyrics.com/jpop/hamasaki/unite.htm
As I already have the love kanji on my left shoulder. :P

Anyone feel like colouring this? I know it's not very good - the proportions are off, yadda yadda yadda - but still. I'd like to see it coloured, and I'm afraid I'll ruin it if I try.

I am saddened that I have not yet received any feedback for my newest poem. At all. Oh well...

You can ignore this. Just setting myself a schedule for school stuff that I can hopefully meet so that I don't get a nervous breakdown somewhere along this spring. Will do this weekly.

To-do list
viikko 11.

ma 13.3.
- opinion column analysis
- Advanced English
- Mardi Gras -esitelmä

ti 14.3.
- Mardi Gras -esitelmä

ke 15.3.
- Mardi Gras -esitelmä

to 16.3.
- Mardi Gras -esitelmä
- luentopäiväkirja 1


pe 17.3.
- Mardi Gras -esitelmä


Okay, this didn't go entirely as planned. Sigh.