I somehow managed to break Hotaru (my computer). Redirecting you to my LJ for more info. Now for some food.

Crying-induced headache incoming.

I hate it when I'm pissy and snarky as hell for no valid reason whatsoever. I guess at least some of it can be attributed to my general mental state, but that's a very poor excuse. I shouldn't be taking my frustration out on my boyfriend of all people.

I remotely feel like sewing or stapling my mouth shut, bludgeoning my knees and toes to mush with a sledgehammer, digging my eyes out with a dull spoon, and then, finally, either cutting my fingers off with a knife or shoving them under a saw blade. Don't ask me how I'd do all this, I'm giving reality a cold shoulder here.

And making myself slightly nauseous. I wonder if I ought to write a story where someone does this. Hmmm...

Heh, I hate myself when I'm being difficult, and my own reaction to it makes me detest myself even more. It's a nice little cycle, really.

I think that being aware of it makes it even worse, in a way, since I'm unable to stop. It's no wonder I used to get dizzy and feel like falling...

Damn damn damn damn. I'm not crying. I'm not. Not. Notnotnotnotnotnot.

For all accounts it seems that just now, my X rebooted itself completely at random and for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Whut?

http://community.livejournal.com/mock_the_stupid/2258839.html

Aaaagh. This almost, almost makes me ashamed of calling myself a poet(ess).

I think my faith in humanity just dropped a notch or two. Someone set fire on a building in downtown Helsinki, and the people did what? Gaped at it, took pictures, laughed, drank beer. Not all of them, mind you, but so many...

Me? Both the deed and the reactions to it mainly made me feel awful. I cried on the way home.

And the setting sun is a light yet bold orange, as if mockingly reminding of and reflecting the sight Helsinki witnessed today.

I'll admit that the timing was perfect. As it is a Friday evening, it's guaranteed that there are a lot of people in town. For your information: this building, or rather a group of buildings, have been a rather controversial issue lately. The city wanted to construct a new music hall in its place, and many people, including myself, didn't exactly like the notion.

Still, to burn it...? Apparently as a protest action...

What the fuck is wrong with humanity?!
When it comes to politics, I agree on many things with the party the youth organisation of which apparently had this brilliant idea, but...

I'm... sad. There is no other word for it. Sad, but so much more than that.


Oh, and the fact that just before that I'd seen scenes from the movie Apocalypse! Now and thus was already feeling down didn't exactly help. Seeing the huge pillar of smoke confused me first, but when I got there... well... I guessed that it would be that place burning, since there had been some trouble during vappu, but... The effect of seeing the actual fire...

Fuck. I need a painkiller.

Exam on U.S. history this morning. Went well enough, I guess. I'm fairly sure I'll pass the course. Answered on questions about the significance of religion and the Watergate scandal.

Lami be hungry, but she still must go to downtown Helsinki to copy some stuff so that she can start writing a 14-page lecture journal the deadline of which is tomorrow.

Procrastinate? Me? Neverrr. :P

Sometimes, upon looking into the mirror, I see a person with such hatred in her eyes that she does not even look entirely human; such anger and bitterness that it almost crackles in the air around her. I see this person, and I do not regocnise her - or, perhaps, I do not want to regocnise her.

She frightens me.

http://www.livejournal.com/userpic/37116509/3224645
The best LiveJournal user icon EVER. No questions asked. *loves*

I swear, one day I'm going to make my own stylesheet. <_<

Lecture diary done and printed - except that I'm missing one entry, because the materials for the sixth lecture that I had planned to write about weren't on the Internet, and my own notes aren't sufficient enough to write on alone. The course had eight lectures, we were supposed to write about six of them, minimum. So I'm having doubts of whether this is enough or no, but I hope they'll let me pass.

What's irking me at the moment is that the Internet connection at the Academy apparently isn't working, so when I traveled there to print out the diary, it was for nothing, since I don't have a USB stick and instead had sent the stuff to myself by e-mail.

Resulting in the fact that I spent two hours traveling there and back again without getting anything out of it, and now I'm in a bit of a hurry.

So, off again.

Heehee, teh boy joined. ^.^
His house is very boring at the moment, and he was very skeptical anyways... but I hope he'll stay, and get more content there.

So go visit [NiTessine] (and pester him about how great this place is... or don't). :P

On my part, the Day of Silence didn't start well. I found I had to talk to the teacher, if only a few sentences. And what's more? I have trouble speaking enough as it is, and I just noticed that trying to force yourself not to utter a word, even to yourself, is just like the times of not being able to talk because the words just won't come out.

So I think I'll just give up, merely participate in spirit, and speak as much as usual. Which is next to nothing anyways.

Sorry. I just can't do it by myself.

The hardest part about it, when I was still trying, was to keep from singing and holding monologues. Hehe.

So, I borrowed a plastic name badge holder thingy from my mother and quickly scribbled a paper badge.

"I am participating in the Day of Silence. I ask you to respect my support to the LGBT community. http://www.dayofsilence.org"

Any thoughts? Think it's stupid? :P


Also, any thoughts on that present idea?

I finally figured out what to do for Jukka. I'll be crafting a cloth badge, and perhaps I'll buy a shirt to sew it on and hope the shirt is the right size... Ahem. The badge will read 'DM' in as intricate a design as possible. :)

Now if someone can please tell me how to make one... Google isn't really helping, most of the results have something to do with scouts. Wahh. *continues browsing*


edit: A-ha! Found something. http://www.merouda.com/asheraldry/as5.htm
This will do very well. *bounces* And I started thinking about perhaps making it an arms instead of just a DM thing, but I'd have to ask him about what his would be like... Well, I can do that in the context of pondering what my own arms would be and asking what he thought about it himself. ;)

edit 2: Or maybe I'll do both... That way, even if I don't get a description of his arms, I'll still have done something.
Damn I feel genius right now, even though I'm not completely sure whether this is something to be that proud of.

And Vernon's book seems to arrive a few days late, at least according to current information, but that's a minor thing. It's the thought that counts. And if possible, I'll be baking him a cake for his birthday. Erm... except his birthday is on Mother's day this year. Well, I'll figure something out.

I think I might actually have passed that theatre history exam. I just got out of the exam hall some fifteen minutes ago, and I feel moderately good about my answer to the essay I chose. It was about the development of theatre buildings and set design from Ancient Greece to modern times in a broad-minded viewpoint. I got something along those lines hashed out, and I'm hopeful about the result. Right now, I'll just be happy if I pass.
Another option would have been drama in 17th-century France, but I totally blanked out on that one. So development stuff it was.

Now I need to make time to read four plays - Aristofanes' Lysistrate, Shakespeare's Hamlet, Racine's Faidra and Ibsen's Dollhouse - and write essays on them and I'll be clear on this course.

I think I'll start on that tomorrow. Other things to do this week: lecture diary, Linguistics&Culture course project (I chose anglicisms and Internet slang as my subject), reading for the US history exam, reading for the huge development studies exam, signing up for said development studies exam, looking for a job and... eh. Too much stuff anyways.

Now I think I shall get the hell outta here and trod off to home.

Wednesday shall be a photograph-taking day. Then I'm downtown, and I can take some architecture stuff, and perhaps something else as well...

Hums. Also, Wednesday I will not be speaking. In real life, that is. http://www.dayofsilence.org
Yes, I'm fully aware that no one is officially doing it here in Finland. But what is that to stop me?

In other news, I just ordered that book by Ursula Vernon from Amazon.com (since that other shop hadn't opened yet, even though it should have), and now I simply need to figure out what self-made to give the boy. I'm running out of time here, and I still haven't the slightest clue...

Oh, and I told my mother about the school thing. As predicted, she took it well enough. But I'll try my best. And she doesn't need me to pay back the money, but rather, save for the future what I can get from a summer job. Assuming I'll get one for this summer anyways. And she said she'll contact a psychiatrist for me.

We agreed that I'll try it for a while, but I made no promises. If I don't think it's working, I won't continue. Everyone seems to be satisfied enough with that.


... who reads this crap anyways? :P

Tired. Too tired. I want to know what the hell is wrong with me.

And the boy wants me to go to a psychiatrist, because, the way things are now, we're just both hurting. Because of my stupid, stupid issues.

You know, I still sometimes feel like it's too much trouble to try to go on. But then I remember how much I love him, how much I love Laura and Hukka and Lenn and the promise I made to Lenn... And I continue.

I'm so tired sometimes, weary to the bone, to the soul. I know I'm ill, I know it, both physically and mentally. But the knowledge doesn't help all that much.

Even so, damn me if I'm giving up.


To be less angsty, I figured out this schoolyear will not be very successful. It's too late to try and do everything now; I lack the motivation. So I'll just do the courses I'm attending at the moment, and leave the rest to be. The ones for which I have unfinished stuff, and the ones that I haven't yet started on. I won't get my certificate - or whatever it is in English - at the end of the year, and my mother will not be very pleased. After all, she had to take a loan to pay the fees. But I think that if I explain to her that I've learned my lesson and now want to concentrate on the university entrance exam as much as possible, she'll understand.

But I need to get a summer job or she'll really kill me. I have to start paying her back, no matter how slow it might be.

And now I must read to the theatre history exam I have tomorrow. Don't want to fail that one.

I'm achy all over and the day ahead intimidates me slightly. Nothing wrong with the classes - now I'm on a break from the Linguistics & Culture class, after that will be a lunch break and then probably the last lecture of the History of the USA class, and after that I'll have to drag myself over to downtown Helsinki for the Development & Security class...

But the thing is, I'm still not entirely used to these long Wednesdays. I'm exhausted after the day. Hell, I'm not even fully awake now, I just want to curl up with a blanket somewhere and go to sleep. I have way too much sleep debt for my own liking. I have those tell-tale shadows beneath my eyes and with this complexion, it's starting to look freaky sometime soon.

In spite of all this whine, it was not the point. The point was to tell you that we have a Welshman holding the lecture this morning.

I have just fallen in love with yet another language. So let's see, what I want to learn at some point or another in my life... German (again), Japanese, Latin, Greek, French, Russian, Italian, Spanish, Welsh... At least. I might have forgotten something.

And now I run before I'm late again.

(That girl still troubles me, this is one of the classes I share with her.)

There is this one girl at school with whom I share a couple of English classes. One who has spiky hair and a pierced lip and wears black clothes with influences from the gosurori style. Seems a nice lass, though I've only spoken with her a little. Maybe even some full sentences, and that's actually a lot when one considers how utterly unsociable I've been during my time there.

Anyways.

She stares at me. Doesn't really even cover it up. I noticed this in the autumn semester, but I managed to ignore it then, and even forget about it for a while. But now it's more obvious.

It's disturbing, because I can't read her, I don't know what the hell she's thinking. And I've only been able to find two explanations for this: a) she thinks I'm weird and is trying to figure out what/who the hell I am b) she has a crush on me. And I really really hope it's not the latter.

Besides, I wouldn't believe it anyway, even if it were so. I'm not buying the notion of me having any appeal just yet. Even though previous (and current <3) evidence would seem to suggest otherwise. Agh, confusion, appearance crisis!

Anyway.

It bothers me.