At the date of five months and two days...

... it's over. We broke up. No, actually, he broke up with me. Not because he doesn't like me anymore, but because he thought it didn't work.

I admit, we've been having a bit of a hard time. Well, hell of a hard, actually. It's not the fault of either of us, per se - we just didn't fit after all.

I require more attention than he can offer. Those are his words, and I guess it's true.

Damn it, I would have been willing to try, try, try. But I guess he's right. We wouldn't have lasted.

His computer is more important to him than his girlfriend, and I can't exactly take that. Heh. So I guess it's better this way.

And since we agreed that everything will stay pretty much the same, minus all sexual activity, I'll manage.

I'll just be a little... melancholy for a while.

But I still get to go to Scotland. Yay. *sigh*

Smiling and acting like everything, apart from slight frustration pertaining to school and the difficulty of getting to a psychologist, is fine is sometimes surprisingly easy.

In reality, I don't think I'll stop crying any time soon.

I'm an idiot. Why can't I just cease to exist?

... oh, yeah. Can't do that. For multiple reasons. Get down, evil depressive thoughts. Begone from my head.

Up, down, up, down, yay yay yay, up and down the rollercoaster goes. I feel like vomiting.

This entry is more or less incoherent, perhaps a bit more than slightly depressed, and writing it made me for some highly peculiar reason feel better.

Sometimes, there is a snake of doubt... Does anyone really care? Am I disgusting, someone to not to be talked with or replied to?

Sigh. Lami is not exactly a happy camper, but she definitely wants to be one. Just hard to see through the smoke at times.

Updated my story wiki with a couple of vignettes. Dreamscape and The hypocrite - go read 'em? Not forcing you, but some feedback from someone else than just two or three people on LJ for a change would be nice. A warning, though-- writing Dreamscape made me nauseous, so it's not exactly pleasant stuff to read, either. Not for everyone. I included the scene I thought about putting into one of my stories just a couple of entries ago.

I seem to write more vignettes than anything else, and, as [NiTessine] so kindly pointed out, they often leave one wanting for more. But then again, I'm more comfortable with short captions, I presume. Writing longer stories just doesn't seem to work out that well. Hashing out companion pieces is all well and good, but chapters? Erm... A bit hard, apparently. But I'll have to practice that this summer anyway, since I'm determined to finish - don't kill me - a Naruto fanfic I started some time last year.

And besides... I still have Nanowrimo to participate in.

I somehow managed to break Hotaru (my computer). Redirecting you to my LJ for more info. Now for some food.

Crying-induced headache incoming.

I hate it when I'm pissy and snarky as hell for no valid reason whatsoever. I guess at least some of it can be attributed to my general mental state, but that's a very poor excuse. I shouldn't be taking my frustration out on my boyfriend of all people.

I remotely feel like sewing or stapling my mouth shut, bludgeoning my knees and toes to mush with a sledgehammer, digging my eyes out with a dull spoon, and then, finally, either cutting my fingers off with a knife or shoving them under a saw blade. Don't ask me how I'd do all this, I'm giving reality a cold shoulder here.

And making myself slightly nauseous. I wonder if I ought to write a story where someone does this. Hmmm...

Heh, I hate myself when I'm being difficult, and my own reaction to it makes me detest myself even more. It's a nice little cycle, really.

I think that being aware of it makes it even worse, in a way, since I'm unable to stop. It's no wonder I used to get dizzy and feel like falling...

Damn damn damn damn. I'm not crying. I'm not. Not. Notnotnotnotnotnot.

For all accounts it seems that just now, my X rebooted itself completely at random and for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Whut?

http://community.livejournal.com/mock_the_stupid/2258839.html

Aaaagh. This almost, almost makes me ashamed of calling myself a poet(ess).

I think my faith in humanity just dropped a notch or two. Someone set fire on a building in downtown Helsinki, and the people did what? Gaped at it, took pictures, laughed, drank beer. Not all of them, mind you, but so many...

Me? Both the deed and the reactions to it mainly made me feel awful. I cried on the way home.

And the setting sun is a light yet bold orange, as if mockingly reminding of and reflecting the sight Helsinki witnessed today.

I'll admit that the timing was perfect. As it is a Friday evening, it's guaranteed that there are a lot of people in town. For your information: this building, or rather a group of buildings, have been a rather controversial issue lately. The city wanted to construct a new music hall in its place, and many people, including myself, didn't exactly like the notion.

Still, to burn it...? Apparently as a protest action...

What the fuck is wrong with humanity?!
When it comes to politics, I agree on many things with the party the youth organisation of which apparently had this brilliant idea, but...

I'm... sad. There is no other word for it. Sad, but so much more than that.


Oh, and the fact that just before that I'd seen scenes from the movie Apocalypse! Now and thus was already feeling down didn't exactly help. Seeing the huge pillar of smoke confused me first, but when I got there... well... I guessed that it would be that place burning, since there had been some trouble during vappu, but... The effect of seeing the actual fire...

Fuck. I need a painkiller.

Exam on U.S. history this morning. Went well enough, I guess. I'm fairly sure I'll pass the course. Answered on questions about the significance of religion and the Watergate scandal.

Lami be hungry, but she still must go to downtown Helsinki to copy some stuff so that she can start writing a 14-page lecture journal the deadline of which is tomorrow.

Procrastinate? Me? Neverrr. :P

Sometimes, upon looking into the mirror, I see a person with such hatred in her eyes that she does not even look entirely human; such anger and bitterness that it almost crackles in the air around her. I see this person, and I do not regocnise her - or, perhaps, I do not want to regocnise her.

She frightens me.

http://www.livejournal.com/userpic/37116509/3224645
The best LiveJournal user icon EVER. No questions asked. *loves*

I swear, one day I'm going to make my own stylesheet. <_<

Lecture diary done and printed - except that I'm missing one entry, because the materials for the sixth lecture that I had planned to write about weren't on the Internet, and my own notes aren't sufficient enough to write on alone. The course had eight lectures, we were supposed to write about six of them, minimum. So I'm having doubts of whether this is enough or no, but I hope they'll let me pass.

What's irking me at the moment is that the Internet connection at the Academy apparently isn't working, so when I traveled there to print out the diary, it was for nothing, since I don't have a USB stick and instead had sent the stuff to myself by e-mail.

Resulting in the fact that I spent two hours traveling there and back again without getting anything out of it, and now I'm in a bit of a hurry.

So, off again.

Heehee, teh boy joined. ^.^
His house is very boring at the moment, and he was very skeptical anyways... but I hope he'll stay, and get more content there.

So go visit [NiTessine] (and pester him about how great this place is... or don't). :P

On my part, the Day of Silence didn't start well. I found I had to talk to the teacher, if only a few sentences. And what's more? I have trouble speaking enough as it is, and I just noticed that trying to force yourself not to utter a word, even to yourself, is just like the times of not being able to talk because the words just won't come out.

So I think I'll just give up, merely participate in spirit, and speak as much as usual. Which is next to nothing anyways.

Sorry. I just can't do it by myself.

The hardest part about it, when I was still trying, was to keep from singing and holding monologues. Hehe.

So, I borrowed a plastic name badge holder thingy from my mother and quickly scribbled a paper badge.

"I am participating in the Day of Silence. I ask you to respect my support to the LGBT community. http://www.dayofsilence.org"

Any thoughts? Think it's stupid? :P


Also, any thoughts on that present idea?

I finally figured out what to do for Jukka. I'll be crafting a cloth badge, and perhaps I'll buy a shirt to sew it on and hope the shirt is the right size... Ahem. The badge will read 'DM' in as intricate a design as possible. :)

Now if someone can please tell me how to make one... Google isn't really helping, most of the results have something to do with scouts. Wahh. *continues browsing*


edit: A-ha! Found something. http://www.merouda.com/asheraldry/as5.htm
This will do very well. *bounces* And I started thinking about perhaps making it an arms instead of just a DM thing, but I'd have to ask him about what his would be like... Well, I can do that in the context of pondering what my own arms would be and asking what he thought about it himself. ;)

edit 2: Or maybe I'll do both... That way, even if I don't get a description of his arms, I'll still have done something.
Damn I feel genius right now, even though I'm not completely sure whether this is something to be that proud of.

And Vernon's book seems to arrive a few days late, at least according to current information, but that's a minor thing. It's the thought that counts. And if possible, I'll be baking him a cake for his birthday. Erm... except his birthday is on Mother's day this year. Well, I'll figure something out.

I think I might actually have passed that theatre history exam. I just got out of the exam hall some fifteen minutes ago, and I feel moderately good about my answer to the essay I chose. It was about the development of theatre buildings and set design from Ancient Greece to modern times in a broad-minded viewpoint. I got something along those lines hashed out, and I'm hopeful about the result. Right now, I'll just be happy if I pass.
Another option would have been drama in 17th-century France, but I totally blanked out on that one. So development stuff it was.

Now I need to make time to read four plays - Aristofanes' Lysistrate, Shakespeare's Hamlet, Racine's Faidra and Ibsen's Dollhouse - and write essays on them and I'll be clear on this course.

I think I'll start on that tomorrow. Other things to do this week: lecture diary, Linguistics&Culture course project (I chose anglicisms and Internet slang as my subject), reading for the US history exam, reading for the huge development studies exam, signing up for said development studies exam, looking for a job and... eh. Too much stuff anyways.

Now I think I shall get the hell outta here and trod off to home.

Wednesday shall be a photograph-taking day. Then I'm downtown, and I can take some architecture stuff, and perhaps something else as well...

Hums. Also, Wednesday I will not be speaking. In real life, that is. http://www.dayofsilence.org
Yes, I'm fully aware that no one is officially doing it here in Finland. But what is that to stop me?