I just want somebody to save me.

Whatever.

I am stupid. Unintelligent. Not so very bright. Not playing with a full deck.

However you want to express it... Intellect? Ha! I got none.
I'm an idiot. Always was, always will be. I don't have enough brain to be in university, I'll be kicked out in no time! Assuming that I even get there...

I don't really see anything that would make me a useful member of the society. I'm just excess baggage. Good for nothing.

You have the permission to smack me and tell me how silly it is to be so angsty about this. I do know. But I also really do think that I'm stupid.

You can also just ignore this. I don't even know why I'm writing this, everyone must be getting sick and tired of my whining already. So, sorry. I'll just shut up now.

May I please have a nervous breakdown?

I feel like falling apart here. It's a shame that I never can.



In other news, here is a plug. I started yet another wiki listing, like we didn't already have enough of those. Take a look if you want. Poetry communities.

I'm just so out of it I'm getting scared. I'm in a kind of haze, and my mood's been pretty much the same these last few days... Going back and forth between a kind of serenity and a deep hurt.

Slightly out of touch, 'slightly' being a major understatement here. I'm a bit lost right now.

Sorry, nothing interesting to relay to you. Not that my life would ever actually be interesting. I can tell you already, no one will ever write my biography, or buy my autobiography if I'm crazy enough to write one.

Blahblahblah.

I want sinking under the ground and quit being in existence as an option.

At the date of five months and two days...

... it's over. We broke up. No, actually, he broke up with me. Not because he doesn't like me anymore, but because he thought it didn't work.

I admit, we've been having a bit of a hard time. Well, hell of a hard, actually. It's not the fault of either of us, per se - we just didn't fit after all.

I require more attention than he can offer. Those are his words, and I guess it's true.

Damn it, I would have been willing to try, try, try. But I guess he's right. We wouldn't have lasted.

His computer is more important to him than his girlfriend, and I can't exactly take that. Heh. So I guess it's better this way.

And since we agreed that everything will stay pretty much the same, minus all sexual activity, I'll manage.

I'll just be a little... melancholy for a while.

But I still get to go to Scotland. Yay. *sigh*

Smiling and acting like everything, apart from slight frustration pertaining to school and the difficulty of getting to a psychologist, is fine is sometimes surprisingly easy.

In reality, I don't think I'll stop crying any time soon.

I'm an idiot. Why can't I just cease to exist?

... oh, yeah. Can't do that. For multiple reasons. Get down, evil depressive thoughts. Begone from my head.

Up, down, up, down, yay yay yay, up and down the rollercoaster goes. I feel like vomiting.

This entry is more or less incoherent, perhaps a bit more than slightly depressed, and writing it made me for some highly peculiar reason feel better.

Sometimes, there is a snake of doubt... Does anyone really care? Am I disgusting, someone to not to be talked with or replied to?

Sigh. Lami is not exactly a happy camper, but she definitely wants to be one. Just hard to see through the smoke at times.

Updated my story wiki with a couple of vignettes. Dreamscape and The hypocrite - go read 'em? Not forcing you, but some feedback from someone else than just two or three people on LJ for a change would be nice. A warning, though-- writing Dreamscape made me nauseous, so it's not exactly pleasant stuff to read, either. Not for everyone. I included the scene I thought about putting into one of my stories just a couple of entries ago.

I seem to write more vignettes than anything else, and, as [NiTessine] so kindly pointed out, they often leave one wanting for more. But then again, I'm more comfortable with short captions, I presume. Writing longer stories just doesn't seem to work out that well. Hashing out companion pieces is all well and good, but chapters? Erm... A bit hard, apparently. But I'll have to practice that this summer anyway, since I'm determined to finish - don't kill me - a Naruto fanfic I started some time last year.

And besides... I still have Nanowrimo to participate in.

I somehow managed to break Hotaru (my computer). Redirecting you to my LJ for more info. Now for some food.

Crying-induced headache incoming.

I hate it when I'm pissy and snarky as hell for no valid reason whatsoever. I guess at least some of it can be attributed to my general mental state, but that's a very poor excuse. I shouldn't be taking my frustration out on my boyfriend of all people.

I remotely feel like sewing or stapling my mouth shut, bludgeoning my knees and toes to mush with a sledgehammer, digging my eyes out with a dull spoon, and then, finally, either cutting my fingers off with a knife or shoving them under a saw blade. Don't ask me how I'd do all this, I'm giving reality a cold shoulder here.

And making myself slightly nauseous. I wonder if I ought to write a story where someone does this. Hmmm...

Heh, I hate myself when I'm being difficult, and my own reaction to it makes me detest myself even more. It's a nice little cycle, really.

I think that being aware of it makes it even worse, in a way, since I'm unable to stop. It's no wonder I used to get dizzy and feel like falling...

Damn damn damn damn. I'm not crying. I'm not. Not. Notnotnotnotnotnot.

For all accounts it seems that just now, my X rebooted itself completely at random and for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Whut?

http://community.livejournal.com/mock_the_stupid/2258839.html

Aaaagh. This almost, almost makes me ashamed of calling myself a poet(ess).

I think my faith in humanity just dropped a notch or two. Someone set fire on a building in downtown Helsinki, and the people did what? Gaped at it, took pictures, laughed, drank beer. Not all of them, mind you, but so many...

Me? Both the deed and the reactions to it mainly made me feel awful. I cried on the way home.

And the setting sun is a light yet bold orange, as if mockingly reminding of and reflecting the sight Helsinki witnessed today.

I'll admit that the timing was perfect. As it is a Friday evening, it's guaranteed that there are a lot of people in town. For your information: this building, or rather a group of buildings, have been a rather controversial issue lately. The city wanted to construct a new music hall in its place, and many people, including myself, didn't exactly like the notion.

Still, to burn it...? Apparently as a protest action...

What the fuck is wrong with humanity?!
When it comes to politics, I agree on many things with the party the youth organisation of which apparently had this brilliant idea, but...

I'm... sad. There is no other word for it. Sad, but so much more than that.


Oh, and the fact that just before that I'd seen scenes from the movie Apocalypse! Now and thus was already feeling down didn't exactly help. Seeing the huge pillar of smoke confused me first, but when I got there... well... I guessed that it would be that place burning, since there had been some trouble during vappu, but... The effect of seeing the actual fire...

Fuck. I need a painkiller.

Exam on U.S. history this morning. Went well enough, I guess. I'm fairly sure I'll pass the course. Answered on questions about the significance of religion and the Watergate scandal.

Lami be hungry, but she still must go to downtown Helsinki to copy some stuff so that she can start writing a 14-page lecture journal the deadline of which is tomorrow.

Procrastinate? Me? Neverrr. :P

Sometimes, upon looking into the mirror, I see a person with such hatred in her eyes that she does not even look entirely human; such anger and bitterness that it almost crackles in the air around her. I see this person, and I do not regocnise her - or, perhaps, I do not want to regocnise her.

She frightens me.

http://www.livejournal.com/userpic/37116509/3224645
The best LiveJournal user icon EVER. No questions asked. *loves*

I swear, one day I'm going to make my own stylesheet. <_<

Lecture diary done and printed - except that I'm missing one entry, because the materials for the sixth lecture that I had planned to write about weren't on the Internet, and my own notes aren't sufficient enough to write on alone. The course had eight lectures, we were supposed to write about six of them, minimum. So I'm having doubts of whether this is enough or no, but I hope they'll let me pass.

What's irking me at the moment is that the Internet connection at the Academy apparently isn't working, so when I traveled there to print out the diary, it was for nothing, since I don't have a USB stick and instead had sent the stuff to myself by e-mail.

Resulting in the fact that I spent two hours traveling there and back again without getting anything out of it, and now I'm in a bit of a hurry.

So, off again.