http://s32.photobucket.com/albums/d6/linderel/Edinburgh/
Here are the pictures, 70 out of 297. They're not in very good order, but I might put at least some of them up on Elftown later. :P

- update: Putting all of the 70 up in ET. Beautiful Auld Reekie

So, I'm back. I took nearly three hundred photos, ate a deep-fried Mars bar, climbed to Arthur's Seat, bought twelve books and some DVDs, and all around generally had a marvellous time. Account of the trip incoming shortly - that is, when I can be bothered to work on the draft that's currently a private entry in my LJ.

Anyways. I'll put the pictures up somewhere once I've decided which ones are good enough to show and then provide a link.

Meanwhile, I'd appreciate some feedback on this possibly very crappy thing here:



I did not mean to cry
but it's raining from my eyes
the brooding sky
reflected on my face
with a million twisting smiles
frozen in motion around me

in these abandoned halls echoing still life
such dark harmonies played
in a loop that goes round and round
igniting the dormant lightning
of my restless soul

and while you dance, I take your hand
and weep

Okay, peoples, here's the drill: On July 5th, the day after tomorrow, I'll be leaving to Scotland for a week. Because I'm going to spend the night before that at Jukka's house, I won't be here much tomorrow, either. I assume I'll be back some time on the 12th. You will quite probably see lots of pictures and lots of hyping on my part when I return. Just letting you know this so you won't wonder if perchance the Earth itself swallowed me - that would be just my luck, actually...

Anyway. Stay alive, have fun - I'm sure you'll cope perfectly well without me, you won't even notice I'm gone! :P And True, remember the DP.

Such weird dreams. Now, Jukka has been in my dreams a lot lately, but this just takes the cake.

Apparently, I was getting married, and searched mostly second hand stores to assemble my wedding dress. This is the part I remember most vividly, the rest is a blur. But I'm quite sure that in the dream, we had got back together and decided to marry... o.O

Reflects my own past hopes, really. I wanted him to be my lifemate. Ah well.

There's a situation that's driving me insane.

My sister's ex-fiancé, with whom and his cousin (whom I dated for a while once upon a time) I've developed a sort of a friendship that involves fooling around (get your mind out of the gutter, in my vocabulary that phrase is equal to 'being silly') and watching movies, is quite probably having a crush on me.

Now, it's all well and good to know that I can be wanted, but I'd prefer staying 'one of the guys' to these two (even though I'm not sure how the cousin feels about me nowadays, gahh... Complications...).

I can feel and see it getting worse.

The most frustrating thing about this is that my body kind of responds to the affection I can sense radiating off him. You know, butterflies.

Could we please not completely ignore the fact that I am still not over Jukka, that I am not interested in this boy that way, that I am still not over Jukka, that I could deal with a little break here, oh and did I remember to mention... I'm still bloody in love with Jukka, and I love him, and I want him back, and I am SO not over him yet?

I don't need the confusion right now. Sigh...


Okay, sorry 'bout the rant. Carry on.

It's time to change diets.

I've been thinking about this for some time now, and I finally decided I should introduce meat into my diet again. This is for health reasons, not because my take on ethics suddenly changed. I still don't like how the animals are often treated. However, I have a nagging feeling that the lack of meat has a great effect on my anemia. I've been feeling continuously tired for so long I can't remember when I was last truly chipper, and I want change to that. I won't be giving up vegetarian dishes, though. I want my diet to be as diverse as possible.

Now, the thing I'm most worried about is how my body will react to suddenly having to handle meat after almost two years of handling none. So, because of this, I'm trying to do the transition slowly and carefully. Any suggestions on that front will be gratefully received.

http://www.deviantart.com/view/4543779/
Reminds me of something... *wistful sigh*

I just want somebody to save me.

Whatever.

I am stupid. Unintelligent. Not so very bright. Not playing with a full deck.

However you want to express it... Intellect? Ha! I got none.
I'm an idiot. Always was, always will be. I don't have enough brain to be in university, I'll be kicked out in no time! Assuming that I even get there...

I don't really see anything that would make me a useful member of the society. I'm just excess baggage. Good for nothing.

You have the permission to smack me and tell me how silly it is to be so angsty about this. I do know. But I also really do think that I'm stupid.

You can also just ignore this. I don't even know why I'm writing this, everyone must be getting sick and tired of my whining already. So, sorry. I'll just shut up now.

May I please have a nervous breakdown?

I feel like falling apart here. It's a shame that I never can.



In other news, here is a plug. I started yet another wiki listing, like we didn't already have enough of those. Take a look if you want. Poetry communities.

I'm just so out of it I'm getting scared. I'm in a kind of haze, and my mood's been pretty much the same these last few days... Going back and forth between a kind of serenity and a deep hurt.

Slightly out of touch, 'slightly' being a major understatement here. I'm a bit lost right now.

Sorry, nothing interesting to relay to you. Not that my life would ever actually be interesting. I can tell you already, no one will ever write my biography, or buy my autobiography if I'm crazy enough to write one.

Blahblahblah.

I want sinking under the ground and quit being in existence as an option.

At the date of five months and two days...

... it's over. We broke up. No, actually, he broke up with me. Not because he doesn't like me anymore, but because he thought it didn't work.

I admit, we've been having a bit of a hard time. Well, hell of a hard, actually. It's not the fault of either of us, per se - we just didn't fit after all.

I require more attention than he can offer. Those are his words, and I guess it's true.

Damn it, I would have been willing to try, try, try. But I guess he's right. We wouldn't have lasted.

His computer is more important to him than his girlfriend, and I can't exactly take that. Heh. So I guess it's better this way.

And since we agreed that everything will stay pretty much the same, minus all sexual activity, I'll manage.

I'll just be a little... melancholy for a while.

But I still get to go to Scotland. Yay. *sigh*

Smiling and acting like everything, apart from slight frustration pertaining to school and the difficulty of getting to a psychologist, is fine is sometimes surprisingly easy.

In reality, I don't think I'll stop crying any time soon.

I'm an idiot. Why can't I just cease to exist?

... oh, yeah. Can't do that. For multiple reasons. Get down, evil depressive thoughts. Begone from my head.

Up, down, up, down, yay yay yay, up and down the rollercoaster goes. I feel like vomiting.

This entry is more or less incoherent, perhaps a bit more than slightly depressed, and writing it made me for some highly peculiar reason feel better.

Sometimes, there is a snake of doubt... Does anyone really care? Am I disgusting, someone to not to be talked with or replied to?

Sigh. Lami is not exactly a happy camper, but she definitely wants to be one. Just hard to see through the smoke at times.

Updated my story wiki with a couple of vignettes. Dreamscape and The hypocrite - go read 'em? Not forcing you, but some feedback from someone else than just two or three people on LJ for a change would be nice. A warning, though-- writing Dreamscape made me nauseous, so it's not exactly pleasant stuff to read, either. Not for everyone. I included the scene I thought about putting into one of my stories just a couple of entries ago.

I seem to write more vignettes than anything else, and, as [NiTessine] so kindly pointed out, they often leave one wanting for more. But then again, I'm more comfortable with short captions, I presume. Writing longer stories just doesn't seem to work out that well. Hashing out companion pieces is all well and good, but chapters? Erm... A bit hard, apparently. But I'll have to practice that this summer anyway, since I'm determined to finish - don't kill me - a Naruto fanfic I started some time last year.

And besides... I still have Nanowrimo to participate in.

I somehow managed to break Hotaru (my computer). Redirecting you to my LJ for more info. Now for some food.

Crying-induced headache incoming.

I hate it when I'm pissy and snarky as hell for no valid reason whatsoever. I guess at least some of it can be attributed to my general mental state, but that's a very poor excuse. I shouldn't be taking my frustration out on my boyfriend of all people.

I remotely feel like sewing or stapling my mouth shut, bludgeoning my knees and toes to mush with a sledgehammer, digging my eyes out with a dull spoon, and then, finally, either cutting my fingers off with a knife or shoving them under a saw blade. Don't ask me how I'd do all this, I'm giving reality a cold shoulder here.

And making myself slightly nauseous. I wonder if I ought to write a story where someone does this. Hmmm...

Heh, I hate myself when I'm being difficult, and my own reaction to it makes me detest myself even more. It's a nice little cycle, really.

I think that being aware of it makes it even worse, in a way, since I'm unable to stop. It's no wonder I used to get dizzy and feel like falling...

Damn damn damn damn. I'm not crying. I'm not. Not. Notnotnotnotnotnot.