a new poem, i really like this one..

My Chamber of Thoughts



I dream of a time

When I ruled my mind

And you were no where to be seen

Where I could not hear your screams

And I did not frighten easily

At the mention of your name

I wish of times

When only I knew myself

And you didn’t have my secrets to hold

The key to my hopeless days

I unlocked your terror

And se it free upon the world

So they could suffer just as I had

And I could hear their silent screaming

Just as they had once heard mine

But refused to listen

I tried to warn you

I told you it would not be forever this way

But you chose not to hear my words, so brave

And marked me off as just another lonely child

Of the dark lies of tomorrow

Maybe now you will spend your days

Dreaming of your free thoughts

And regretting the things you fought not to say

You will wish you had been the one who turned against

The power that is held within

These closed walls of a future gone away

To a controlled system of

Beliefs that you don’t really have

And things that you won’t ever see

Once more I will speak a brave thought

And show you what my strength has finally brought.

i havent wrote anything in a few days cause i have been busy. my best friend Nyssa spent the night with me friday and the we went to the movies with some of our other friends saturday. we went and saw sherk 2, it was great! After the movies jacob came and hung out at my house for a few hours. we hade a good time, it was the first time we had had alone in over a week. today i ahve been busy tring to do homework, but i have spent three hours on-line doing reserch and got absolutly no where. now i have a killer head ach.

i am in an bad mood...again. i just had a bad day. im really tired for no reason. i think i made jacob a little mad at me today cause i snnaped at him for no reason at all...so i guess he had a right to be mad at me. i think my writers block might finnlay have passed. i just wrote this, its at leas half was decent.

Play Doll Angel

my angry out bursts
have taught you nothing?
you still don't know what to do?
why are you still here?
i won't to hear you scream
scream at me for all i have done
for all the pain i have caused you
just hate me
hate me for all the times
i have watched you suffer,
and silently stood by
why cant you betray me?
Don't you care what i've done?
cant you sense my hatred?
cant you tell me to leave,
just get out of your life forever?
i want a reason to hate you
but i have nothing
instead you have taught me to hate myself
hate the way i have all ways acted
hate all the things i ever said
hate the way i cannot escape
from all that haunts me each day
and the way that i simply just stand by
and let you have your way
i hate what you have done
but most of all i cant help
but hate myself
for becoming your puppet
and jumping at your wishes
letting you do this
i cant even blame you
i hate what i have done to myself
what i have let you do to me
i was never like this before
you know as well as i
this is not me
not how i ever wished to be
and you think you have changed me?
as much as i hope to denie it
i know you have
and i have lost everything that mattered to me
on the way to becoming
your perfect demon of
a play doll angel

time to go to sleep already...there are just not enough hours i the day. i had a school field trip today and just got home a few minutes ago. today was just a normal da, well at least as normal as my life gets...i thinik jacob might be a little upset with since i didnt have time to talk to him after school today cause of the field trip...time to go to bed.

okay well tis is my diary entry for today, iusually wait untill night time to write anything but im staring to get a head ach and decided to do it now before i forgot. today, monday, the weekend was over and school started again...me and jacob got in trouble for PDA, it was stupid. i have been in a horriblely bad mood today and yesterday, i have been snaping at all of my friends and now i feel really bad about it. well thats how my day went....

i havent written a while, not because i havent been on line but because i forgot to. i had a really good weekend. i spen all afternoon friday with jacob and most of the day saturday with him. we went to a movie friday night but just spent most of the time hanging out in my room. late saturday evening we took a long walk in the woods down to a creek. its so nice and peacful down there. i useed to go down there alot but i hadnt been down thee in almost two years. i had almost forgoten about it. i had a hadr time rememebering the way down there, there is no path. today, sunday, i have been in a sad mood for no good reason at all. and now i am tired even though i spen most of the day lying around or sleeping.

i am still in a weirdly good mood which might be a bad thing since i now have writers block that i think was caused by the happieness. but being happie is fun. i think my happiness was partly caused by the rain and also by finally being able to talk to jacob again. but now that the sun has come out my happiness is starting to fade. but not completly since istill get to talk to jacob.

well i just spen about half an hour typing a diary entry and then my stupid self went and deleted it. just great. but im in a really good mood cause im finally geting to talk to my boyfriend!yay!! im so happie! this is the highlight of my whole weekend the othere kinda of good part was today i took a nice long walk in the rain, i love the rain exspecially in the summer time when its really hot. the rain is just so..peacfull. im in such a good mood!

another poem

i am your reminder
of the past you cant face
a sign of just what
you have left behind
you tell yourself that
it never happened
you never made a mistake
you think that you can
play pretend
no one will ever know
you can pretend your life
is whatever you want to make it
theres no proof that its not
i am the only thing that survived
you path of revenge
and now its time for
you to come down off your petistal
your no angel
and now the world will know
just what you have done
you thought i would never tell
it would be my secret reveled too
but dont you see
i dont care anymore
i grew up, im not so stupid now
in all those years i have lerned
quit a few things
mainly that your time would come
and the hands of revenge would be turned
i've waited for the right time
i waited for you
to be so stupid and come back
i knew you would
and now its time
for me to have my revenge
so sweet and quite
you'll never even know
untill its to late
i will have my revenge
you will pay for what you've done
your time has finally come

a new poem...

Time to let go

set me free
and let me breath
let me live
and let me see

take me off your medication
let go of my hand
let me walk alone
cant you just forget about me

im not the person i used to be
please dont belive in me
you have to see
how we have changed

the things we say
the times we yelled
the times i cried
the things you hated

its almst over
let me go
and i will do the same
just let go

set me free
and let me breath
let me live
and let me see

oh no! my computer is dead! gone for ever, there is no hope of ever fixing it! im still at school unfourtnetly. well thats how my whole week has been but today is thursday so only one more day intill the weekend, not that im exzactly looking foward to the weekend cause ill be bored out of my mind again for several reasons..one i have no where to go and nothing and reason number two-my bf is still grounded....so i hate it at school, i hate it at home thats just great.

its wednesday an d my omputer is still broken! yesterday i went and got another piercing in my ear,now i have 5 in one ear and 4 in the other.it didnt really hurt that much.i wish the piercer guyhad useda smallere needle though. he used a 12 gage, really thick. well that was the highlight of my day nothing else happened.im in a good mood for no reason....i guess thats it.

well its finally monday..still dont have a computer and stilll bored out of my mind but alive so i guess thats something. i cant even think of anything to write ... so i guess thats it.

my computer is still broken!! ahhh! but my friend has been nice enough to let me use hers. i cant stand this im so freakin bored, for once i think ill actually be glad to go back to school, wow thats scary. i miss ppl any human company is nice right now, i cant remember the last time i spen an entire weekend at home, im going out of my mind!!! well not that i really have much of a mind left...lol. its only saturday still almost two days left....

well its been a while since i could write cause my second computer crashed, really sucks! my hole week has sucked and now my weekend will to cause my bf got grounded for two weeks!! just cause he got in a lil trouble at school. strict parents! i am sooo bored and its only friday night. i have no clue what i am possibley going to do for the whole weekend without being able to talk to him. i jst came to the conclusion that i really dont have much of a life. i wish these damn anti depresents would hurry up and kick in....lol. well i guess thats about it. and for once i am not tired. good for me...right.

weekends over and im back at school...unfourtunately. i really just want to be back in bed asleep.got a bad headach.just dont want ot be at school today. no real reason why.im not in a bad mood just in a kind of..down mood i guess. evryone is beig kinda quiet something to be thankful for.i am so tired and i have no clue why i actually gota full nights sleep.

well its been a few days since iv had time to write,been really busy this weekend. friday night i went to movie with my boyfriend,jacob, then saturday my school had some boring event that i stupidly went to. and today is sunday, my one and only day to rest and sleep late. well thats about it.

another poem...




A day to fade away

will you keep me in your memories?
or will you forget about me?
someday i will leave
as i always do
when things are just
too much to handel
too much pain for me
im too weak to deal
you know this already
i told you not to get attached
i will leave
you will be alone and so will i
but that is not something
that can be changed
i have done it before
it will happen again
dont miss me when im gone
but dont forget me either
keep me locked in
those happy memories
you can keep those
but you cant keep me here
i will not stay
you know i wont
i wont listen to you beg
or cry
if you do i will leave all the sooner
you cant keep me here
no matter how you try
i will not stay
not even if i could
this world is way to much for me
i will continue on my search
for a place to fade away
with no one but myself
and my own depressing thoughts
you cant keep me here
i will not stay
ill fade away

another day at school...still at school. im so very tired i dont think i ever get enough sleep. today my so so sweet boyfriend gave me a picture of a dog that he drew, oh it looks so good, hes a really great artist but he doesnt really think so. that was the highlight of my day. evryone is in a bad mood today, so its not just me. i wish i could be in a better mood, but i just cant. now im wonder can anyone drown in a teaspoon of water?hmmm ... just another one of my random thoughts. that really doesnt mean anything at all. i will be so very very glad when the bell rings and im out of school for the day. so that i can just go home and sleep. sleep is good.

um hello well today i was in such a horrible mood and i have no idea why, but im surprised my friends didnt murder me i was being so mean. but now i feel bad for being mean this is an unususal thing for me because i enjoy being mean, not like hurtfull meandbut playfuly mean.
i think i will finally get around to dying my hair tonight, i hope so cause it really needs it. i might enter a poem in here after a little while. now for another unknown reason im very tired so maybe ill go to sleep...

well today i as forced to take part in a very boring field trip,poor poor me. i spent the whole time trying to resist the urge to hug and kiss all over my boyfriend. i was kinda lonely cause my best friend bailed on me and skiped school. oh well i cant really blame her. well thats about it except for this poem i just wrote:

Today's Tomorrow

another day
we sit and watch
the time slowly fade away
waiting for another day
thinking that tomorrow might be better
and we shouldn't give up just yet
maybe another day
we cant face ourselves
we cant face each other
we have put to much
work into this to
forget and start over
we're just to tired to try again
for something that failed us
in the first place
just not today
so we will stay in this trap
waiting for another day
a day to love
what we hate
a day to cry
for our happiness
a day to stop all the lies
that were once our only truths
a day to forget
what we need to remember
a day to remember
what we shouldn't have ever forgot
what we left behind
what we miss
what we have done wrong
and what we cannot make right
not today
maybe another day

well this it i kinda like it but its not my best.

i just deleted all of my diary entrys which amounted to a whole three, because they were pointless and stupid. so i am going to try and keep a real diary now. i slept most of the day because i was out pretty late at a carnival with my boyfriend. we had a good time and i got on a faris wheel for the first time in my life!! i am so scared of heights i almost fainted! but still it was fun.