i feel so freakin depressed right now, i cant stand it. i cant stand feeling this way. i hate it. i just want to....to go to sleep, just for a while not forever, no i dont want to die. i just want to stop feeling for a little while, stop having to deal with everything. and one more thing, i want to know why im feeling this way. i dont know, things are no worse than usual, so why am i being like this? why cant i make myself feel better? can anything help me right now? anything at all? i dont know. i wish i could think of something. anything. and now i just wish i couldnt think at all! i make no sense not even in my own mind. i cant understand me so im sure no one else can either. but thats ok....i guess. no its not ok, not right now, nothing is ok right now and i DONT KNOW WHY!!!! i hate feeling this way so much. i hate it! and now i have complained enought, i think ill go, for now.

Deathly beauty
your scared to take one more step
because you fear that you might fall
your hesitating to take one more breath
for fear that it might be your last

as the night slowly passes
you start to tire and become faint
her voice swims in your mind

reminding you that your not alone
and might not ever be again
your wish was granted
in such a terrible way

your crime cast out upon
the just rising sun
for you to see in all of its dreadful beauty

this is not the time for regrets
you have to move quickly now
dont wait untill she wakes
the morning sun has started to stir

the hill rises beyond you
against the pale moon
where the barely there stars loom above
your grave for her to rest

she lies there so peacfully
it seems almost as if she were merely sleeping
not one thought clouds her mind
and now her face appears as you have always wanted it

ice cold, smooth as the stones
that washed ashore this morning
lifeless, but yet more beautiful than ever
she is finally your, truly yours

i havent written anything in a really long time. for a while i just didnt feel like writeing and then my computer crashed...again! so now im useing my friends computer. i have had a few um....interesting weeks. but i dont feel like geting into that right now. anyway, jacobs gone to camp, i miss him so much. he called me today, he couldnt talk for long, but it was still nice to hear from him.

i feel so awful today. i am haveing on of those rare times where i really want to talk to someone, anyone. i am usually not at all deprate for company and do not beg strangers to talk to me but today there is really something wrong with me. i feel so alone...i dont know why i feel like i do. i feel so horrible. its been so long since i was like this. i need to talk to someone. my mond wont stop raceing from one thought to the next and i cant stand it. i think i will just go to bed.

i wrote this last night. i dont like it because its not any good but its the first thing i have wrote in a week or so.

She has lost her spirit
Hope is calling but she cannot hear it
Reality has reached her and she cant seem to bear it
She is dying inside but she will let no one care

She's tried so long to stay alive
It was so hard for to just survive
Each day was just another dive
To a place so far away where she would not be recognized as live

No one knows her story
Not one person has ever seen her fury
Inside is where her pain is buried
And to release it she will not be hurried

Her tears are only her own
She will cry only while alone
She cannot stand the way people talk to her, pity is their tone
There seems to be no thing of her left, she is merely a skeleton, just bones

  yesterday was my great grandmas funeral. it was a pretty hard day too. i was so lucky to have jacob spend the day with me. he was really a great comfort. another bad thing was that i had to spend most of the day with my family. my family has this inabilty to get along for more than an hour, it was awful! even though it was a time of mourning for all of us and the had enough sense to keep their mouths shut, you could still feel all the hate and tension between them. i can stand it when my family decides its time to be together, luckyly it only happens about once a year.
  today i spent most of the day on here. i got so mad because i could not get two of my badges to show up on my house. i finally asked for the help of anyone and not one person messaged me to help me out! after a few hours i messaged someone who belonged to a few wikis, and she was really nice and a great help.

today was hard. my great grandma died the day before yesterday, and my family were making all the funeral arrangments today. my mom was supposed to be the one who made arrangments for the music, my grandma had always wanted live music at her funeral. the person my mom had planed to get to sing fell through at the last momment. i had to get someone my boyfriend knows to sing. i didnt like doing that very much...but what choice did i really have? it was my grandmas only wish for her funeral.

well i just finished putting my poetry in here. i had to work to day, walked alot and now im tired. i thought that since school was out i would be able to sleep late, but its not working out that way. i went to the pool saturday i swam for like five hours the next day my whole body ached!i am really out of shape, not that i was ever in shape... i only put some of my poems not all of them, i havent got all of them typed up yet but most of my poetry will eventually be in here...i hope so anyway. i am glad school is out but i already miss my friends alot.

i wrote this a while ago too, i dont like it that much

Too Late To Ask



I am asking you once more

Please don’t hurt me

You know my life

You know my loss

Please don’t hurt me anymore



I am begging you just one more time

Don’t tear away the love

Be there to dry my tears

Be there to hear my cries



I am screaming at you for the last time

Don’t be the one to kill my love

Don’t be the one to diminish my trust

Don’t, please don’t, do any more damage



Now that my requests have gone unanswered

My begging did no good

And my screams were simply not heard

You have hurt me forever

You have threw away my love

You didn’t dry my tears

You would not listen to me scream

I can no longer trust you

You have done your damage

You have killed my love



But yet you refuse to let me be

You refuse to leave

Why can’t you see

How much you’ve hurt me

Why can’t you leave me be

Let me suffer

You have done your damage

Now please won’t you just leave?

a poem i wrote a few weeks ago. i need a title for it. i kinda like this one


Your words so sorrow filled

Haunt my thoughts today

Tomorrow and forever

I can’t believe this

Is mine

My life to live

The hand I was dealt

I have to make something of it

But your tear filled voice

Reminds me that this is your life also

We have to make this work

This is all we have

Our own

All to ourselves

We must use caution

We can’t afford another disaster

Today is ours

We can make it what we wish

Together but still alone

The nights that we part

Our worlds split

Separate and alone

Our tears are only our own

Our cry’s for each other

Are drowned by distance

But in the days we can fill

Our empty souls

With all that we long for

In the days that are our own

Our days together

Steamy Beginning, Foggy End



These feelings that I hold inside

Keep screaming at me that you’re just along for the ride

And that when the steam clears the fog will set in

You won’t be the one making sure my tears are dryed

All the steam of the beginning will turn into

The foggy hate of the end

I will once again have took my turn to cry

And you be there

To help me try

To put the pieces back together

And this time I don’t think I can just start over

Not again

I’ve been here much too long to leave

To forget about what I could have done

To say that what happens will happen

And it’s out of my control

So for now I’ll fight

For a worthless cause

Just for the reasons of my fear

For the dread of the future

Too scared to let go

Too scared to move on

Without somewhere else to turn

With no guarantee

For what I’ve done

Without an explanation

Maybe one day you’ll understand

Maybe as soon as I do

But for now keep holding things together

Don’t let myself fall apart

Just haunted my the thoughts

Of a steamy beginning

And a foggy ending

a not so old poem


Revenge



I am your reminder

Of the past you can’t face

A sign of just what

You have left behind

You tell yourself that

It never happened

You never made a mistake

You think that you can

Play pretend

No one will ever know

You can pretend your life

Is whatever you want to make it

There’s no proof that it’s not

I am the only thing that survived

Your path of revenge

And now it’s time for

You to come down off your pedestal

You’re no angel

And now the world will know

Just what you have done

You thought I would never tell

It would be my secret revealed too

But don’t you see?

I don’t care anymore

I grew up; I’m not so stupid now

In all those years I have learned

Quite a few things

Mainly that your time will come

And the hands of revenge would be turned

I’ve waited for the right time

I waited for you

To be so stupid and come back

I knew you would

And now it’s time

For me to have my revenge

So sweet and quiet

You’ll never even know

Until it’s too late

I will have my revenge

You will pay for what you’ve done

Your time has finally come

two more old poems



Black Vail



It…

Shields you from my misery

And hates that I’m so far from sane

Keeps you from looking inside my soul

And seeing that this pain has finally taken its toll

Makes my shattered past remain hidden

My dark memories are known only to me



______________________________________________



Closed Off Space



A closet space

Barely room to breathe

What is this place?

You’re watching me,

My skin burn, my chest heave

Running to an exit that does not exist

Only to another dead end

Covering my eyes, a deadly mist

Not another turn, not another bend

No exit in sight

Mp escape route

Blinded by darkness, no light

How do I get out?

Who’s chasing me?

Who’s wish is to kill?

Who could this be?

Will my lips be forced to seal?

Will I finally be silenced?

this is a very old poem too, im not even sure if i finished it.


You've wasted another day
Pretending you're okay
You're making it so hard to stay
But I know you'll have it no other way
Day by day I have to stand the silence
And watch you simply fade away

The more I reach out to you
Thr more you pretend you don't need me
But when I start to pull away
The pain in your eyes
Reminds me that I just can't cut the ties
No matter how many things you say are lies
And I refuse to say that lasting good-bye

i am putting most of my poetry in this diary

i wrote this a long time ago...

Dying Goodbyes

Something’s wrong
I know I’ve been here too long
Something’s out of place
This is a whole different case

Tell me what’s wrong, please tell?
Have you finally fell?
Will I be left, all alone?
To wait until I’m nothing but bone?

You know you’re being selfish
More than a little bit devilish
Don’t let it be like this
No, I beg you, don’t miss

I feel, I know you’re leaving
I run to try to catch you, my chest heaving
Blood, sweat, and tears choke my frightened cries
No, no, no more goodbyes


It’s over, you’re gone
You’d already left, before the day would dawn
My cries never reached you
So now, say goodbye, I’m gone too

well i havent writtenanything i a while cause i have been really busy, school just let out for summer break. i had alot of make up work to do, im just glad i passed. i havent been in a good mood lately because i have been really stressed out about school and my grades and stuff, which is weird since i dont usually worry about stuff like that. well i have to got to bed now, its like one am.

a new poem, i really like this one..

My Chamber of Thoughts



I dream of a time

When I ruled my mind

And you were no where to be seen

Where I could not hear your screams

And I did not frighten easily

At the mention of your name

I wish of times

When only I knew myself

And you didn’t have my secrets to hold

The key to my hopeless days

I unlocked your terror

And se it free upon the world

So they could suffer just as I had

And I could hear their silent screaming

Just as they had once heard mine

But refused to listen

I tried to warn you

I told you it would not be forever this way

But you chose not to hear my words, so brave

And marked me off as just another lonely child

Of the dark lies of tomorrow

Maybe now you will spend your days

Dreaming of your free thoughts

And regretting the things you fought not to say

You will wish you had been the one who turned against

The power that is held within

These closed walls of a future gone away

To a controlled system of

Beliefs that you don’t really have

And things that you won’t ever see

Once more I will speak a brave thought

And show you what my strength has finally brought.

i havent wrote anything in a few days cause i have been busy. my best friend Nyssa spent the night with me friday and the we went to the movies with some of our other friends saturday. we went and saw sherk 2, it was great! After the movies jacob came and hung out at my house for a few hours. we hade a good time, it was the first time we had had alone in over a week. today i ahve been busy tring to do homework, but i have spent three hours on-line doing reserch and got absolutly no where. now i have a killer head ach.

i am in an bad mood...again. i just had a bad day. im really tired for no reason. i think i made jacob a little mad at me today cause i snnaped at him for no reason at all...so i guess he had a right to be mad at me. i think my writers block might finnlay have passed. i just wrote this, its at leas half was decent.

Play Doll Angel

my angry out bursts
have taught you nothing?
you still don't know what to do?
why are you still here?
i won't to hear you scream
scream at me for all i have done
for all the pain i have caused you
just hate me
hate me for all the times
i have watched you suffer,
and silently stood by
why cant you betray me?
Don't you care what i've done?
cant you sense my hatred?
cant you tell me to leave,
just get out of your life forever?
i want a reason to hate you
but i have nothing
instead you have taught me to hate myself
hate the way i have all ways acted
hate all the things i ever said
hate the way i cannot escape
from all that haunts me each day
and the way that i simply just stand by
and let you have your way
i hate what you have done
but most of all i cant help
but hate myself
for becoming your puppet
and jumping at your wishes
letting you do this
i cant even blame you
i hate what i have done to myself
what i have let you do to me
i was never like this before
you know as well as i
this is not me
not how i ever wished to be
and you think you have changed me?
as much as i hope to denie it
i know you have
and i have lost everything that mattered to me
on the way to becoming
your perfect demon of
a play doll angel

time to go to sleep already...there are just not enough hours i the day. i had a school field trip today and just got home a few minutes ago. today was just a normal da, well at least as normal as my life gets...i thinik jacob might be a little upset with since i didnt have time to talk to him after school today cause of the field trip...time to go to bed.

okay well tis is my diary entry for today, iusually wait untill night time to write anything but im staring to get a head ach and decided to do it now before i forgot. today, monday, the weekend was over and school started again...me and jacob got in trouble for PDA, it was stupid. i have been in a horriblely bad mood today and yesterday, i have been snaping at all of my friends and now i feel really bad about it. well thats how my day went....