hidden within anything is everything

Mar and i are very different from the rest of the family. I'm positive we are.

It's Real

There are many who turn their faces;
Preferring sunsets and happy places.
Because what's in our eyes chases--
Chases away their dream-lands with reality cases.

Little kids crying 'cause Daddy left home;
Lost teenage girls with no where to go;
Then there's that boy pushing pills down his throat--
But you still won't see reality.

A young mother beat to death
Protecting her child with her very last breath;
A hungry little child within a hidden cleft
All know the road of reality.

A premature woman sobbing on the bed,
After what she's done, she wishes she were dead;
The empty-eyed boy with the gun held to his head:
Still, you won't think of reality.

In our world, very little may seem
At all as you thought it would in your dream.
Suddenly seeing, you begin to scream--
Now you know--reality.

-J. K. Maxwell

I look into my mirror
And she stares back at me.
Long we glare at one another;
No end is close to see.

Who's eyes within this face are set?
Who's hair of golden hue?
Who's tears are these that stream
From eyes of darkest blue?

Who's face is this, so very sad?
Who's eyes with shadows wrought?
Who's brows now crease together
With every weary thought?

I smile at this stranger,
Conjured from out my mind.
To my surprise, she smiles back;
At least she has the time.

I laugh aloud, and so does she,
'Tis like we're both the same,
Soon I find myself wondering
'Does she maybe have a name?'

We start off simply looking,
And then we get to talking,
Soon, we do it everyday;
I before the mirror stalking.

I stare into the mirror;
But not her face I see:
Instead, there is a demon there,
Reaching out for me.

I try to run away,
But the demon from the mirror
Follows, grabbing for me,
Its hands are getting nearer.

I get a close up view of it,
And to my horror find
The face it wears upon its head
Is nothing less than mine!

Terrified beyond all words,
I look, and pray to find
Something with which to break
The mirror, left behind.

A book, it is my saviour!
I throw it at the glass,
The demon- now it shatters,
Upon the lively-hood of my past.

I fall with it to the floor,
I share this demon's pain.
Horrified, I realize
All my efforts were in vain:

The mirror held the image
Of what I had become.-
My mind now oh so broken-
My body begins to numb.

I stare blindly at the mirror,
Now shattered on the floor,
Millions of tiny images
Of what is never more.


Broken Mirror
J. K. Maxwell

You think you're all messed up..
You think you're not quite there..
You think that there's no point..
That no one really cares..


Your life keeps getting worse...
Nothing ever seems to go right..
You are crying all the time..
Wishing to see some light..


Your body keeps on crying..
Your heart screams in despair..
Your soul mourns in sadness..
Wishing someone was there..


Your skin begins to tremble..
You think how to end the pain..
Then a thought comes to mind..
And then it begins to rain..


You find yourself on a bridge..
About to end it all..
Your foot reaches the edge..
And then you begin to fall..


As you fall into darkness...
Your life flashes before your eyes..
You smile to yourself..
Knowing it was all lies..


You're falling down to hell..
Then from your mouth a scream..
You let it all go..
Your hope, faith, and dreams...


Then you hit the ground...
Your eyes wide in fear...
Your body hurts and aches...
You wish it would end here...


You look around and find...
You're in a small white room..
It's pouring rain outside..
Thundering going boom..


You close your eyes and hope..
That God will kill you now..
You don't know how much more to take..
You don't know when or how..


Then around the corner..
Your eyes begin to see...
A girl silently crying..
That girl being me...


I look up at you...
And I meet your face..
You looked so scared and angry..
I know you hate the place..


I see you through the window..
A tear rolls down my cheek..
I can't stand seeing you like this..
It's not all slick and sleek..


A smile curls your lips...
As you hold that knife up high..
I scream no out to you...
Then it falls from the sky...


I ran inside the room..
I saw you lying there..
Covered all in blood...
It was everywhere...


I landed on my knees...
Holding you close to me..
Crying like I never have...
Wishing it wouldn't be..


The next day you had a funeral..
Your family and friends came..
You didn't know they loved you..
All of them the same...


Maybe if you looked around..
You'd have seen so many care..
That someone has always loved you..
Someone's always been there...


I hope you lie in peace...
For the rest of time...
I pray that you'll be happy...
That God always keeps you mine..


I loved you then and always will..
With every inch of my heart...
I'll keep you right here safely..
I promise we'll never part...


So to anyone who thinks you're lonely..
Open your eyes and see...
That someone always cares...
And that's including me...



it's not mine, but it's a beautiful dirge

so tired...clayton's guitar playing was...captivating, enrapturing, spellbinding, beautiful....the first time in my life that i've ever just sat on the edge of my seat with my mouth hanging open for music. i don't care if everyone thinks that now, since i was clapping hard and grinning like an idiot, i like, him: anytime he plays during break, i'm listening!....so beautiful....can't stop saying that....awesome, wonderful beautiful music...

You're just like any other guy i've ever had any kind of relationship with: you just wanted to use me. Even if we're just friends, you used me. i would try to make you feel better, then when you did, you'd leave and i sit and wait for you to come back and talk to me like we used to. you never do.

I thought you would be my friend,
Till the very end.
I thought, maybe, you were the one.
But now you won't talk to me
So I guess your fling's done.

i need friends, but not friends like you! i don't need friends that use me to make themselves feel better, or give them momentary happiness, comfort, w/e: i have enough guys who want that already! i told you i would always be there for you, i tried to make you feel better when you were sad, every time you didn't want to talk, i told myself, "he has a reason.", I NEVER TRIED TO HURT YOU!!! but now that you feel better, and have someone else to comfort you, you don't need me. I would say that i don't care, but i don't lie about things like that. Know that tonight, i'll cry in my pillow, as i did so many other times for you.

Could it really be you?
Do my eyes seek to fool?
I've waited for this long,
How I've dreamed and held on,
But when do dreams become reality?

While you held me tenderly,
I knew within my heart
That no matter what happened,
The love we have shall not slacken:
True love holds stronger than a grave.

In the night, we'd sit and watch
The moon travel 'cross the sky and talk.
You would gently caress my hair,
Looking into my eyes with care.
True love holds stronger than a grave.

Sometimes, you'd chase me around,
Laughing, as we both fell to the ground.
It was so much fun just to be with you,
Know that however much I loved you, you loved me too.
True loves holds stronger than a grave.

The trees above you burst with color,
The vibrant, beautiful colors of summer.
All alone, I stand there, smiling slightly
For even now, I see you, laughing lightly:
True love holds stronger than a grave.

Stronger Than a Grave
J. K. Maxwell

She sits here
In the soft shade of the graceful willow
She knows know he won’t come
But still she waits for him
To ride in on his white horse and save her life from this chaos
The one she trusted most betrayed her
Sticking swords through her heart before leaving with another
Her heart sores thinking someday
Maybe she’ll meet him
See him
Touch his face
She longs to know the real him, the one she’d never met but always loved
Although she knows like many others that this wish will never come true
She still holds hopes
Grasping on to them with every ounce of strength without moving a muscle
All at the same time
As the insanity of the moment threatens to consume her whole
She knows she’ll stay afloat in the wake of these new terrors


She understands why he may leave her
On this hill of flowing nothingness
Leaving her to listen to the mournful song of the winds
As she waits for her rescue from her demons
The sky a shattering blue above
The mocking green below
She sits in between leaving and coming
A child trapped in the wrong form
Always outside looking in
On everything good she’s been blessed with
She left nothing
But has everything
Her heart aches
Despite her true luckiness
Never stopping to the side of light

not mine but ain't it perdy?

http://www.comclub.org/lj/fsquiz.php

ya'll gotta go there!! it's a quizz, but it's so true!!!! so right it's wrong...

"Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits.
The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The Round pegs in square holes.
The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules.
And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can praise them, disagree with them,
quote them,
disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing you can't do is ignore them.





Because they change things.
They invent.
They imagine.
They heal.
They explore.
They create.
They inspire.
They push the human race forward.
We make tools for these people.
While some see them as the crazy ones,
we see genius.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world,
are the ones who do."
-Steve Jobs


diary surfage

deja vu
that's all i got to say to you
guess they all label me a fool
but this is just what i do
if you got a problem with me
just don't tell me
i got enough problems with myself
without you addin' to em
no maybe i don't need this
maybe this is foolish
don't ask my how, or why
if you push hard enough, i think i'll cry
maybe i am a loser
but loser always win
in the end is all that matters
at least to me that is
i don't know, and i really don't care
whether or not you'll be gettin' this over there
doesn't matter so much to me anymore
i've learned not to care
is that a good thing?
well hell, i don't know
sometimes it is i guess
when you don't want feelings to show
but maybe if you do
no one will be there
to tell you that they care
still, it don't matter so much anymore
my hearts been trampled on the floor
still it don't really matter anymore

          Deja Vu
             J. K. Maxwell

You're long gone,
You're not here
Left me by myself
To fend for myself
But by now
I should've known
It's not really your fault
No, honestly, it's mine.
Never expect of someone
What you know they won't give
Or maybe what they can't
While they say only fools
Long for what they can't have
Then I guess I'm a fool
But i really don't care
If one only went after
Things you knew you could have
You'd never find what you wanted.

            Gone
              J. K. Maxwell

best to start all things at the beginning:
During church today, i was like super bored because the pastor didn't keep his talking on the subject quite enough for me to get what he was saying, so i kept staring out the windows and thinking about Trevor and what we could do alone...well you get the point. also i was looking at Chris, because he's funny and was paying about as much attention as i was, and he smiled this weird way and i couldn't do it, so i stuck my tongue out a weird way. He did that too, cept he's got a tongue ring so it's cooler when he does it. Made me laugh anyway.

after church, we went to Pizza Hut for lunch, then picked up Caleb's dad, then went home, then went to Jellybean's (skating rink). I listened to Greenday, and Nickelback on the way up, half asleep and half awake. (i had stayed up really late last night) Josh, joshua and caleb were already there, so i hurried up and put the blades on. We had a blast!! uber uber UBER time!!!

Oh yeah, after we finished doing the chicken dance (on roller blades, mind you) the guy dressed as a kangaroo backed right into me!! I fell over on my butt, and Josh and calebhelped me up. When i got up, the kangaroo was standing right there giving me a thumbs-up, and i punched him right in the stomach, smiling agreeably. it was later told to me that he did it because he thought i was cute. (knock me over because i'm cute? WTF?) but whatever.

After that, we quadruple skated which went well. I don't think i've ever skated so fast, or so long and i've got blisters all over my right ankle (onyl the right one? it's weird) but i had an awesome time...they played my favorite song though!! or on of my favorites but anyway they played WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!! i loves that song!!!!

Yellowcard
» Empty Apartment


Call me out

You stayed inside

One you love

Is where you hide

Shot me down as I flew by

Crash and burn

I think sometimes you forget where the heart is



Answer no to these questions

Let her go, learn a lesson

It's not me, you're not listening now

Can't you see something's missing?

You forget where the heart is



Take you away from that empty apartment

You stay and forget where the heart is

Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay



Waking up from this nightmare

How's your life, what's it like there?

Is it all what you want it to be?

Does it hurt when you think about me?

And how broken my heart is



Take you away from that empty apartment

You stay and forget where the heart is

Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay



It's okay to be angry and never let go

It only gets harder the more that you know

When you get lonely if no one's around

You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down

We came together but you left alone

And I know how it feels to walk out on your own

Maybe someday I will see you again

And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend



Take you away from that empty apartment

You stay and forget where the heart is

Someday if ever you love me you'd say its okay

It's okay

It's okay

me loves this song!!

At Cavanaugh Park
Where I used to sit
All alone in the dark
And dream about things
That I cannot say
You always said denstiny
Would blow me away
And nothing's gonna blow me away


At Cavanaugh Park
Where you used to take me
To play in the sand
And said to me, "Son, one day you'll be a man.
"And men can do terrible things."
Yes they can


And there was never any place
For someone like me to be
Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that
Ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change


At Cavanaugh Park
We used to get high
Watching teams as they fought
They loved my friend Adam
But he always got caught
Man, that kid made fucking up look cool
Aren't we all so cool? No, No...


And there was never any place
For someone like me to be
Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that
Ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change


Never do change
Never do change
Never do change


At Cavanaugh Park
Where I used to think
That this life would be good
And I would do things
That I thought that I should
And no one's going to tear me down


And there was never any place
For someone like me to be
Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that
Ain't a shock
Some things never do change


And there was never any place
For someone like me to be
Totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that
Ain't a shock
Some things never do change
Never do change
Never do change
Never do change


things of surfage

Sometimes, you make me so mad I want to push you into oncoming traffic... but then I realize... I’d kill myself trying to save you...





Meeting you was by fate, being your friend was by choice, but falling in love with you was out of my control...


another thing collected "surfing"

life quotes that we all should remember...
someone's always someone else's o.n.e.
too bad the funniest, hottest ppl in the world are complete assholes
Sarcasm keeps you from telling people what you really think of them
a broken heart continues to beat
As long as there are humans there will be conflict
All of life is a wakening dream and in death is the final awakening
everything happens for a reason
eat your meat
it only gets harder the more that you know....
Don't be tricked by false memories. The past is never as perfect as you remember.
Everything's ok in the end and if it's not ok it's not the end.
one minute ur waiting for the sky to fall the next ur dazzled by the beauty of it all...
nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight
"it's not brave, if you're not scared"
Sometimes given up doesnt mean your weak it means your strong enough to let go
"Love is rare...life is strange...nothing lasts...people change."
"The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time....
" The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple ."(damn straight)
You become sarcastic when you learn life is unfair.
Damned if I don't, damned if I do, It's a game I just can't win
and...
the greatest trick satan ever played was getting the world to believe he doesn't exsist


and the ultimate 2 question
r u really gonna remember to stop drop and roll when ur on fire?


you got cake?
can I have a some?


ahh, the things i get from diary surfing...

She remembers very little of her life before The Form; very little even of how she became this way. Maybe she was always like this, but there were times when she had a faint tickling sensation in the back of her head of something different, something more...empty. Sometimes, as tonight, the feeling is very strong, and she can almost see; almost smell; the difference. Sometimes she wonders about that possible other life: was it better? More fulfilling, perhaps? But no:The Form was life; was the fulfillment of all; without The Form, nothing was really alive. Or so she figures.

Now, she looks out the mouth of the cave to search the murky night for her brothers and sisters. Not seeing them with even her keen eyesight, she throws back her head and gives a howl that, even though she was not in The Form, would have been enough to raise the hair on the back of a normal person's neck. An answering howl comes to her sensitive ears, and she takes on The Form;a black she-wolf with cream front-paws. Running out of the cave, she howled again, dashing toward the smell of a brother on the now-blowing wind.


After finding him, she used thought-speech to ask 'Brother Slasher, where are the others? They should at least be within howling range.'


'Ah, half-sister Quiet Swift, that they should, that they should. But our Brethren have smelled something new on the air; something far more interesting- and deadly- than this night's meal. They smelled a two-legs.'


She was slightly skeptical, 'A two-legs this far into the wood? Mayhap they smelled wrong, or the wind drifted far from the road. A two-legs would not come this far into the wood,' she repeated. 'Are they sure it is a two-legs and not a Form-taker?'


Slasher was totally confident it was truly a two-legs: ' I myself smelled it before I was sent back to wait for you. It was the smell of a two-legs. Now, if we can save this for later times, I shall take you to our Brethren.' Without waiting for an answer, he turned and started running south and east. Quiet Swift followed close behind.


'A two-legs, in the wood. This could mean danger for all,' she thought as she ran.


After a while of running through the dark woods, they came upon the pack. Or part of it anyway. Quiet Swift padded over to the big brown she-wolf with the white muzzle. 'Chases Dawn, I came as soon as Slasher told me. Where is this two-legs? Are there more than one? Is it armed?' she asked using thought-speach again.


Chases Dawn gave a wolfish grin, and said, 'Halt your questioning a moment! No, there is only one, and he is unarmed.' Chases Dawn frowned. 'Which is very strange indeed. He has the look of one who could move silently, yet he crashes about, almost as if he wanted us to find him.' Her frown deepened. 'That is what worries me most, sister.' The frown suddenly gone, she looked at Quiet Swift once again. 'Come; I shall take you to where he makes his camp. We were able to get very close; he did not try to threaten us away. Just stared at us with eyes like the evergreens. Come.' Then all were runing again, still to the south and east.


Quiet Swift smelled the campfire and the two-legs before she saw them. The fire smell she knew, for it had threatened her and the pack often, but the two-legs had a smell she didn't recognize, except with that tickle in the back of her mind, that told her she should, but did not. Also, along with his smell, there came a strange feeling that he was like her; a feeling of belonging. Quiet Swift shook off both the smell and the feeling and padded slowly around the outside of the camp.


She stopped beside a smaller, sleek brown male. 'Strong Bull, do you know what we are to do with this two-legs? Are we to do anything at all?'


Strong Bull shook his head, 'No sister, I do not know what we will do with the two-legs. I believe we're not going to do anything, unless he tries to harm one of the Brethren, or the wood. If he does, then we will kill him.' This last was said withou feeling:wolves kill anything or anyone who causes harm to the pack or the wood, without emotion.


Quiet Swift nodded and said, 'I think I'll move around to the front, brother,' and moved there as quickly and silently as her name implied.


Quiet Swift cocked her head, studying this male intently. He did not seem heavily built for a male: even sitting he had more of a lean grace.His hair was as dark as her fur, and his eyes were indeed as green as the tall pines of the wood. She came a bit closer; if she wanted she could've killed him; and suddenly, he sprang up snd whirled around to face her.


There was no fear on his face, only slight surprise and relief. 'Does he not fear wolves, this foolish two-legs?' she wondered to herself. She growled deeply in her throat at him, but he only smiled a little and started talking to her.


"Im glad to have found you. I was beginning to wonder whether I ever would; you surely took your time getting here. Growl at me all you want; I came here for you and I don't mean to be frightened off now. If you would please change, I need to speak with you-' he raised his voice a bit and looked at the surrounding wood-'alone. And I would really prefer to talk to a person, not a wolf."


'He's been searching for me? He came for me? Talk to me alone? Out of The Form, when I'm defenseless? What does this two-legs think he is? Blood take me if I'll do what he asks!' Quiet Swift thought angrily. She snarled at him, then jumped, moving to one side at the very last moment. He didn't even flinch, no sign of fear, only amusement.


'He thinks it's funny, does he?! Well, I'll show him something then!' Quiet Swift circled him once, then snarled and jumped. This time, she did not move: she landed right on top of him, and had the satisfaction of seeing surprise flare up in his eyes. He landed on his back with an "Oooff!", and she sat on him, baring her teeth in his face and snarling.


Still, the two-legs showed no fear. "I did not want to have to do this this way, but you offer me no other choice. I have to talk to you!"


While Quiet Swift was still wondering what he ment, his eyes went blank, then closed, as if in concentration. As she leaned over to cautiusly smell him, suddenly she felt something grab her. She yelped in surprise then turned to fight the attacker. She saw nothing. Quiet Swift looked back to the two-legs: he still had his eyes closed in concentration.


'What has got me?!' she wondered, trying to run. She found that she couldn't. She couldn't even move. Then she felt a pulling in her; something trying to change her, pull her apart. She tired to howl, to yelp, but no noise was made. She just stayed there, immobile, above the two-legs, until she felt emptied. Then the thing holding her released and she fell onto the two-legs.


"Wh-" she croaked, "What have you done? I know this is how I am when the Change happens, but I did not wish it! What have you done to me?!"


The man finally opened his eyes and looked at her. Then shut them as quickly. "I should have remembered that you would Change without clothing.'


Quiet Swift looked down at herslef, then looked at him. Then she figured it out. "Ah, so these clumsy, hindering things you wear are clothes. Well, I suppose you have a need of them, never having fur." She growled, "And if you wouldn't have...forced me, I wouldn't either. As it is, I am freezing."


Suddenly a thought came to her. Quiet Swift grinned maliciously. "Just because you took me from The Form does not mean I am totally defenseless." He must have seen the thought on her face, for almost as soon as she started kicking, biting, and clawing him, he held her wrists in his hands and her legs with his own.


"Let me go now, two-legs, and I may make your death quicker," she snarled. "For you should know that as soon as I get into The Form, I will hunt you down and kill you!"


He smiled and said pleasantly "Well then, I'll just have to make sure you don't. At least, not until I've talked to you. After that, maybe you'll reconsider. As much as I hate to have had to force you out of The Form, I had to. You were obviously not going to listen to me in it."


"What do you have to say to me that I should have?" Quiet Swift growled. "Nothing you've said or done so far has done much of anything." She glared at him. "I don't suppose you'll be letting my 'unclothed' body up anytime soon?"


He didn't even color a little! 'Strange, strange man. Closes his eyes after seeing me, and now, he's holding me almost pinned on him! Strange creatures, these humans.'


She didn't realize she'd said the last thing aloud until he frowned up at her and said, "We're both the same, you and I. Neither of us being quite normal."


She peered at him cautiously. "Well, you're no werren, and that is what I am, so how are we both the same?"


He laughed coarsely. "You think werren are they only abnormal ones? No, no. There are many others too, my dear."


Quiet Swift glared at him. "I am not yours! And if werren are not the only ones, what are you?"


He sighed. "They said....No matter. Anything worth anything takes time. What am I? Maybe I shall tell you later, but not now. Right now, I need you to promise me that if I let you up, you won't try to take The Form, or run."


"Alright. I won't," Quiet Swift answered, with every intention of Changing and running as soon as he let me up.


He looked into her eyes and shook his head. "You're lying now, Kara. I won't let you up."


Quiet Swift was shocked. "What did you just call me?"


"Kara."


"But...that means.... I am not your love, man! Never!" To punctuate her words, she quickly leaned down and bit his ear.


Still not showing much, he only grunted. Then he rolled over and over until her back hurt so badly she had to let go. By that time she tasted blood. But it also landed that he was on top. "You're heavier than you look, two-legs," she gasped. "Get off!"


He looked into her eyes, and his green sparkled with hurt and anger. And something else; resignation? Patience? "I will not be getting off until you listen. And by then, you will not be able to Change, or run. So give that up. Will you listen to me?"


Quiet Swift grunted and finally gave up. "Alright two-legs, I will listen. Then, I will leave. If I ever find you again, you will curse the blade of grass that watched you conceieved!"