"If I had one wish, you say? What would I do with that one wish? I think that I can answer that question more easily now than I've ever been able to in my life. I would wish to be a green-eyed red head, because then maybe you'd love me forever."
You know how sometimes, you know that it won't last forever, you know that there'll be someone after you who'll steal his heart and be his wife? You know you love him with all your heart, you know he loves you with all of his; not just because he says it, but he acts it too, not only with little trivial things, like flowers and kisses and notes, but bigger things, like telling you the truth even when he doesn't have to, being willing to put off sleep just to talk to you and be with you, all those things. But still, you know, and he knows that there's going to be someone after. "A green-eyed red head" in my case. But it'll hurt so bad when he finds her.
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure."
"Don't hurt yourself anymore, it's hard on my heart."
Dammit, why'd he have to be so convincing?
How could I have done that? Been so careless, so selfish? I didn't think of anyone else, never thought that I would hurt someone beside myself. I was so blind, so self-centered, I didn't even think about how much it would hurt you. I should've thought, should've remembered all the times you've told me that you love me, the times you've said if I got hurt, it would hurt you too, but I didn't. And I've hurt you, hurt you so badly. My stomach clenches every time I think about you hurting, hurting because of me. I almost made you cry, I'm so so so sorry, love. I'll never do it again, I promise, never. I love you, and I'm sick with myself for hurting you. I do care about you, I really do.
Last night,
The cut
It was so deep.
I don't know why,
Don't know what I felt
I was sad,
I was scared,
I was upset.
Took the razor
To my wrist
Pushed it deep
And gave a twist
There was pain,
Then there was numb.
Drips of blood
Dabbed by my thumb.
The cut didn't heal
Tears pooled in my eyes
Oh god, why do I feel
Like I'm empty inside?
In the morning,
You asked what was wrong.
I answered with "Nothing"
But you knew I was lying.
I wanted to tell you so bad,
But I won't.
It'll tear me up inside,
One wants to tell you,
Be free of this lie;
The other couldn't bear
The look of condescension in your eyes,
And hearing you tell me it's stupid,
Like I don't already know.
There's nothing you would do
That would stop me.
J.K.Maxwell My Stupidity
God, love, I was so wrong. So very wrong. There was no condescension in your gaze, only love; love and hurt. As you described it to me later, it was like you were wrapped up in a warm, cuddly, cozy blanket, the blanket of my love, then, all of a sudden, there was no blanket, it was ripped off, and you were cold and hurt. I'm so sorry to have ever hurt you like this with my selfishness and stupidity. I'm so very glad that you still love me, that you've forgiven, if not forgotten.
God, I need to go some where! I need to get away from this, before i lose my mind. the only place i want to go is to where ever you are, the only person i want to be with is you. but you say i can't. i understand why, it's dangerous, we have to chill, but i'm losing my sanity one bit at a time. i can't be with you; i'll just run, and keep running until i reach the end. then maybe i'll die, maybe i'll come back, maybe i won't need to run, to get away. i feel like crying, i feel like pacing, like i'm trapped in some kind of cage. i'm suffocating, no air for me to breath. i'm scared, as strange as that may seem.
you know, we're always asking why,
Why is this happening, why did he die?
Why did she leave me, why do i cry?
we never think on what good might come
we walk around all "depressed" and ho-hum
saying we wish our feelings were numb
but ever think it might be better off this way?
ever sit and think deeply all day?
*i am tired. because i stayed up last night talking to the person who matters most to me. we can talk about algebra, calc 2, computer stuff, or we can bring it down to music, and he sings, or plays the guitar. we can whisper out "I love you"'s, and how much we wan to hold each other tight and never let go, or we can talk dirty, how much we want each other, how much we want to drink each other's juices. there're varying moods, and the moods swing quickly, from any one subject, but whatever we're talking about, i know i want him, i love him with all my heart, and i know he feels the same way, there's no doubt in my mind. so yes, i don't mind being tired for all that*
i feel unholy friggin sick. there's one thing that really makes me sick to think about it. I wanted to spend the night at caleb's on sunday, but if i feel this same way, nuh uh, not happening. i really do want to spend some time with him though. i mean for a best friend, he's probably feeling kinda neglected. but i don't want to go over there like i feel now, i'd be plain out flippin miserable. casey has made this awesome bread, it's a kind of gingerbread/ spice bread i guess, it tastes like spice bread to me. but it is friggin awesome!! i told him he had to make that for me when school starts up so that i could bring it and show off my little bro's awesome cooking. Also because it is the bomb. he made the whole thing up too, not using a recipe or nothin'...now we've just got to get him to remember all the ingredients and stuff...
wow it's been a long time sinc i wrote in this thing...it looks neglected :(. poor thing...well i don't really have that much to write in it now, either, but i figured i should put a little something. sander [~devils_child~], has like 12 friends...that
Sometimes we let affection go unspoken,
Sometimes we let our love go unexpressed,
Sometimes we can't find words to tell our feelings,
Especially to those we love best...
that's awfully true...especia