Well, I spent the fisrt hour or so of Thanksgiving worrying about Sander's life. The guys were at her house, and they brought her whiskey, (which was stupid, but I digress) so she was shitfaced. Not as bad as she has been, but she was really messed up, from her face hurting, stress, and listening to Eminem. Yes, I did say from listening to Eminem, so shoot me, he messes up your brain. Anyway, she has freezing, her lips were blue, she was blacking in and out, and she passed out a time or two. Scared the shit out of me, because I wasn't there to help, I could only offer suggestions over IM to the guys. Eventually they had to go, but before they did, they made sure her temp was normal, her breathing was normal, and her heart rate was normal. She was still blue and shaking though, which kinda scared me. But right before they left she kinda woke up and talked to me, told me that she didn't give a fuck if she died, that she wanted to suffer. I think it's a lot of drama, but she does, she does make herself suffer. Her face was banged up from trying to commit suicide by jumping off her roof, and when the guys caught her, her face hit the wall. But she scared me, for a while there, I thought she was gone. I prayed, God, did I pray. I prayed that God would give her someone to make her care, like He gave to me. But I can't make her care, the guys, well they keep her coming back, the keep her fighting, but I don't know if they make her care. I was just so scared. But I think she's ok now, she sent me some emails, and she was on here.

Oh my goodness, I have to thank Will. I was over at his place the other night, and we were drinking. He had a Cuba Libra, and he gave me a shot of Captain Morgan's private stock. (He thought it was funny that I'm a blonde, and I sip a shot) Then he gave me a Buttery Nipple (which was "OMG" good, made out of Bailey's Irish Cream, and something else, I coudln't see what it was) I sipped that too, and he was like "I don't want to see you sip a shot ever again" He let me taste his Cuba Libra, and I loved it, it was soooo good, almost as good as the Buttery Nipple. So when he finished his, he got up to cut up the other lime and make himself another one, and I asked for one too. He was (I think) a little surprised at that, but he did. Hehe,I know, I'm a little stupid, but when I got that thing, I went straight to it. I was halfway through it when I started getting a wee bit dizzy and giggly (I'm giggly anyway, but it just showed more) He was making fun of me, saying that I couldn't hold my liquor, and I said I could, I was thinking straight and all, I was just a little out of it. I giggle a lot anyway. But it was cool, I like everything about that but being izzy, that annoyed me. But he stopped me from drinking the whole thing, because believe me, I probably would've (told you I'm stupid.

12 Ways To Get To A Girls Heart--
1. Hugs her from behind.
2. Grab her hand when you guys walk next to each other.
3. When standing, wrap your arms around her.
4. Cuddle with her.
5. Dont force her to do ANYTHING!
6. Write little notes.
7. Compliment her.
8. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible.
9. Say I love you.....and MEAN IT!
10. Brush the hair out of her eyes
11. Comfort her when she cries.
12. Love her with all your heart


beautiful!

Remember when the world is crumbling about your feet
And you cant seem to understand
Why people cant comprehend
The things you express through a method
So unconventional and miscelionus
They rip their hair out trying to understand
Something so Complicatedly Simple
So just sit on the only thing left
A small wooden stool
And sing
Express your soul in something they Have to understand
A voice is simple
A complex arangement of pitch and tone
A world of peace with hate
So sing untill your throat bleeds
But dont worry tonight they'll understand
Stop writting in runes
Stop crying acid
Just close your eyes and sing
Because when the world crumbles about your feet
I'll understand
And I'll Be there
To be your Voice
To make them understand
Your life.

*cries* Liz, thank you!

"If I had one wish, you say? What would I do with that one wish? I think that I can answer that question more easily now than I've ever been able to in my life. I would wish to be a green-eyed red head, because then maybe you'd love me forever."

You know how sometimes, you know that it won't last forever, you know that there'll be someone after you who'll steal his heart and be his wife? You know you love him with all your heart, you know he loves you with all of his; not just because he says it, but he acts it too, not only with little trivial things, like flowers and kisses and notes, but bigger things, like telling you the truth even when he doesn't have to, being willing to put off sleep just to talk to you and be with you, all those things. But still, you know, and he knows that there's going to be someone after. "A green-eyed red head" in my case. But it'll hurt so bad when he finds her.

"Can you do me a favor?"
"Sure."
"Don't hurt yourself anymore, it's hard on my heart."

Dammit, why'd he have to be so convincing?

How could I have done that? Been so careless, so selfish? I didn't think of anyone else, never thought that I would hurt someone beside myself. I was so blind, so self-centered, I didn't even think about how much it would hurt you. I should've thought, should've remembered all the times you've told me that you love me, the times you've said if I got hurt, it would hurt you too, but I didn't. And I've hurt you, hurt you so badly. My stomach clenches every time I think about you hurting, hurting because of me. I almost made you cry, I'm so so so sorry, love. I'll never do it again, I promise, never. I love you, and I'm sick with myself for hurting you. I do care about you, I really do.

Last night,
The cut
It was so deep.
I don't know why,
Don't know what I felt
I was sad,
I was scared,
I was upset.
Took the razor
To my wrist
Pushed it deep
And gave a twist
There was pain,
Then there was numb.
Drips of blood
Dabbed by my thumb.
The cut didn't heal
Tears pooled in my eyes
Oh god, why do I feel
Like I'm empty inside?
In the morning,
You asked what was wrong.
I answered with "Nothing"
But you knew I was lying.
I wanted to tell you so bad,
But I won't.
It'll tear me up inside,
One wants to tell you,
Be free of this lie;
The other couldn't bear
The look of condescension in your eyes,
And hearing you tell me it's stupid,
Like I don't already know.
There's nothing you would do
That would stop me.

J.K.Maxwell My Stupidity

God, love, I was so wrong. So very wrong. There was no condescension in your gaze, only love; love and hurt. As you described it to me later, it was like you were wrapped up in a warm, cuddly, cozy blanket, the blanket of my love, then, all of a sudden, there was no blanket, it was ripped off, and you were cold and hurt. I'm so sorry to have ever hurt you like this with my selfishness and stupidity. I'm so very glad that you still love me, that you've forgiven, if not forgotten.

God, I need to go some where! I need to get away from this, before i lose my mind. the only place i want to go is to where ever you are, the only person i want to be with is you. but you say i can't. i understand why, it's dangerous, we have to chill, but i'm losing my sanity one bit at a time. i can't be with you; i'll just run, and keep running until i reach the end. then maybe i'll die, maybe i'll come back, maybe i won't need to run, to get away. i feel like crying, i feel like pacing, like i'm trapped in some kind of cage. i'm suffocating, no air for me to breath. i'm scared, as strange as that may seem.

you know, we're always asking why,
Why is this happening, why did he die?
Why did she leave me, why do i cry?
we never think on what good might come
we walk around all "depressed" and ho-hum
saying we wish our feelings were numb
but ever think it might be better off this way?
ever sit and think deeply all day?