ok i said that I would be back and here I am!!! I know you are sooooo excited.... right* anyways today was wedsnesday where I live and that means it was hard. I dk why but wednesdays are always hard, i dk why? It was good in a way, school was OK the seniors werent there so we were the oldest... fun! well ya...but then Justin sent me the *sweetest* text for gates...sigh....must be nice. Then I went home and break started. YAY! oya go britt in trouble...sry babe!...Then it kinda went downhill...started thinking and that's never good...realized its gna be harder than I thought to let it go cuz I still miss him... I dont want to, it just doesn't look like anything is gna happen and I dont want to wait for something that's never coming you know... but then what does all that other stuff mean... I cant forget that that easily.... I am sooo confused...owell guess I will go do my cure all for that...HARRY POTTER ya I am a dork i know... but it helps... i dont have to think about him when i read it... &%$ this is hard...I thought I was stronger than this but when it comes to him...i dk i just dk

YAY its the first day of breakkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love break!yay no school!
hmmm I dk... ummm i seen a really demonic scary picture of glenn today in frannie's yearbook, and some other random stuff

hey sry more l8ta dinner time ^_^

Twelve-pack of Bud, eleven rasslin' tickets, "ten" of "Copenhagen", nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of "Red Man", six cans of Spam...Five flannel shirts... Four Piedmont tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin' dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

Man, them ain't normal Christmas presents.
Naw, they're "redneck" gifts.
"Redneck" gifts?
Yeah, you know. Like if you bought your wife earrings that double as fishing lures. Or if you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells". Perhaps if you think the "Nutcracker" is something you did off the high dive. Or if you've ever misspelled anything in Christmas lights. Or if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus.
What's wrong with that?
I didn't say there was anything wrong with it, but it's hard to beat...

Twelve-pack of Bud, eleven rasslin' tickets, "ten" of "Copen-hagen", nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of "Red Man", six cans of Spam... Five flannel shirts... Four Piedmont tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin' dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

You know, you can't really consider it a Christmas 'less you go down to the penitentiary 'n visit to yer mama.
You're not listening to me...Get the car key out of your ear. That's where the "nine months probation" comes in. I'm gonna do it for ya again...Now listen...

Twelve-pack of Bud, eleven rasslin' tickets, "ten" of "Copenhagen", nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of "Red Man", six cans of Spam... Five flannel shirts...Four Piedmont tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin' dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT...

***Merry Christmas****

ok so basically I wrote that last one for nothing... cuz I gotta go anyways ..... YAY!

Its all around
Pain and suffering
And I tell myself
If I just had you
I could make it through
I could stay strong in the midst of the chaos of my life
I would be able to get by
Just knowing you were there
For me to come back to
The knowledge that you were here
Waiting just for me
Wanting just me
Myself, flawed and confused
But then I realize
That I have been doing o.k. on my own
So maybe I don’t really need you to survive
But letting go is harder than I imagined
And I need you to get through it
So maybe I am back to square one
Needing you after all
^^^^^^^^
my cool poem

you know I really wish time would just stop and stand still....I mean every thing is okay right now... lBill, Adam, and Glenn still live in Pittsburgh, I dont want them to leave, the end of August is gna suck lemme tell ya *_*.... I have great friends: sarah, gates, gloria, jules, erica, rj, adam, britt, bill, glenn, ashley, steph, jess, and if i forgot you its just part of being depressed and I am sorry.....ya Time could you just stand still, life is good now and I dont want this part of it to end.....

I seem to write only when I am having a bad day....
and today is bad because it is snowing... usually this is a good thing... NOT TODAY!!! nope I probably will not be able to go the xmas party later because "the roads are too bad" (which they are not) and "the weather is too unpredictable".. ><_>< grrrrrrr I hate Pittsburgh and snowy weather!!! not going means I won't getta see Britt (the love of my life) glenn, bill, adam, alyssa, RJ, and the rest of people I know from NA and I wont get to see them until like the middle of January cuz I cant go to the Mass on Christmas eve cuz of some family BS my mom is trying to explain to me. Whatever I am out and in a very bad mood

god I feel like hell tonight, all alone I fall to pieces
wanna know why? lemme make you a list....
I am doomed to be single
I am stuck at my house
I didn't get to go to church this moring
I have a trig midterm next week
My dad is making me very angery
I have too many siblings
Its only wednesday
People like to hang up on me when I calll them
People mess with my mind
There is nothing good on the radio/TV
Three of my friends are out having a great time while I am stuck in my house
My cds are skipping
I have confession tomro
I dont have a BF
Yea can you understand why I am just a little depressed tonight? Other than that in the past couple days I have been elated, frozen, angery, sad, depressed, and woken up early. It snowd, I went to lifeteen, school, and did homework. Very interesting is it not?


I'm so lost
I am barely here
I wish I could explain myself
but words escape me
It's too late to save me
You're too late

I'm sick with apprehension
I'm crippled from exhaustion
I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me
-blink 182

so ya... I will prob do summore "research" take a shower, then try to stay up all night cuz that's what I do when I am depressed

later

at school doing this illegally again, which is why I am doing it in the first place....

hmm been awhile since I been here. What's been going on in my life not too much. In fact I will fill you later cuz lynch is back and I gtg loveallya byes

i hate my computer teacher! she is making me do my whole project over because she is evil and says its not perfectly like laura's!!!!!!!!!!! aahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

there are somthings in life that you cant respond to no matter how hard you try<-- think about it

if u cant fix it with...
tylenol,
duct tape,
a band-aid
white-out
hair spray
a kiss
a hug
drugs
alcohol
a cigarrete
a sneeze
a laugh
a cry
or a big stick
then you have a serious problem....

a: he's 3
a: doesnt quite get the concept of nudie girls yet
g: you have to start when they're young, otherwise they might  have values
g: pssssssh
g: you're never too young to be shallow and sex driven

*I spent saturday night talking with glenn

guess what I diiiiiiiddddddd..... I had a fun couple days.... wna know???? ok I yelled at my computer teacher but its kool cuz she was yelling at me... and I got my calculator taken off me by my religion teacher cuz I was playing games in class.... teresa called into the X about my service project ya...

This place is so empty, my thoughts are so tempting....

My project is DONNNNNEEEE YAY!!!and Danielle didn't do a dayumd thing.... owell she doesnt get credit NOT MY PROBLEM omg I am soo glad to be done... and I might be on TV (grrrr) and def in the newpaper on thrusday. *sigh* SOOO glad that's over

aight hungry wins I'm out

...i can understand how you'd be so confused
i don't envy you
im a little bit of everything all rolled into one
im a bitch
im a lover
im a child
im a mother
im a sinner
im a saint
i do not feel ashamed
im your health
im your dream
im nothing inbetween
you know you wouldn't want it any other way...



tha's me in a nutshelll

songs I really like....
Last resort-Papa Roach         Home-Three Days Grace
Stripped-Ramstien           Down with the sickness-Disturbed
Immagine-Perfect Circle (?)      Getting Away W/Murder-Papa Roach
November Rain- GnR            Sad but True-Metallica
Gone Away-Cold               Voodoo-Godsmack
Pain-Jimmy Eat World            Remember-Disturbed
Serenity-Godsmack           Head like a Hole/Hurt-NIN
Time of Your Life-Greenday    So Far-Brides of Destruction
Pieces-Sum41                  Safe Home-Anthrax
Rainbow in the Dark-Dio
Way Away-yellowcard
Everything You want-Vertical horizon
Dizzy-Goo Goo Dolls

glenn got into college!! yay! omg the college is in the farm area of NC and the slogan or w/e (i looked it up) is 'we're not for everyone... but then maybe you're not everyone...' does that not sound like glenn? omg... its like 12 hours away tho...

my pap passed away. RIP buddy... the funeral wasnt really sad and weepy. my gram was real big in to making sure of that. I never cried and I think my dad didn't like that. I dkn I feel like i really didn't know my pap. there are so many of us that i never really had the time to get to know him. Yes in some ways I do regret that because he was an amazing man who did so much for our family (kinda like starting it). But ya I AlmosT cried when my aunt did the euology and everyone else was cryn like my dad, but i didn't. I realized that i am a lot like him i a lot of ways which is kool cuz i never really knew him. It was like we were connected w/o knowing it kinda like Lisa said. But yea I ran home after the retreat and off to the viewing then the funeral the next day and the wake/lunch on my birthday.

Lisa is a lifesaver! I dkno what I would have done w/o her last weeknd...

wierd/random/funny things that happend on retreat
*slapped Andy on the face (accident, maybe, jk ^_^)
*overflowwed the industrial dishwasher w/Dawn dishwashing soap (which you are apparently never supposed to put in a dishwasher even though it is for washing dishes... hmmm...) w/lisa and got yelled at by andy but lisa and katherine fixd it so its all goooooooood
*sat on the bus floor all the way up
*tackled mike and a bunch of other people
*lifted people up over a really tall wall (that hurt lemme tell ya)
*broke my new cd player

yea well retreat was fun... but i missed everyone bill wasn't being holy, cangilla didn't have his cd's, adam wasn't making random comments, and britt and lauren werent there *_* *sniff* but it was still fun

centrall is playing goo centrall!!!!!!

and I am really hungery so I am peacing out to eat things

leftovers rock (umm not really)

yo folkies... haven't used that one in a while noticd no one wants to check me out...yup its kool....

omg why now? why the one weekend I have been waitng for to get away from all of this nonsense for too long... and yea w/e britt I kno its gna be lame but guess what I WONT FRIKN be HERE!!! I mean he's been dyn for the past year why now? and even if I do getta go then I would prob have to go to a funeral on my birthday... yup this family sure knows how to throw a bash...yes I mighta getta wake as my partay... YES cant get enough of it...

so ya the story? he fell.... and damaged his pacemaker so his heart is basically failling one beat at a time... and the whole friggn family's there to watch him die...I swear its everyone but me and my mom and my sisters and bros....and I dont kno... I want it to end for gram's sake but not now... why now?

so w/e buddy hasn't been talking to me either today... I acutally immed him but yup you guessed it no respnse....

so even if my life does look depreesing for now I am not (yet) cuz I gots a sweet CD player for my badayy w/ a radio....

peace love and rock I am out for now... please pray for this whole thing

yay life rox my sox today...

this is diff and new and I liked it... but its ME so it peaced out as soon as it saw my face... i give up... flying and falling just hurts too much anymore...save me from myself...please

ever notice how when ur sad it dominates ur life.... well not reallysad just wrong....

yes my life just gets better and better

britts not going on retreat anymore and niether is adam (by the way they are back together) which means bill prob wont and alyssa might goo..... GOD I LOVE LIFE!!!!

aight w.e almost done with my kool essay bbl

I'm from Pittsburgh. I drink pop & eat subs. I push a buggie, not a cart when I pick up groceries at Giant Eagle. It's a crik not a creek. I don't do the wash, I do laundry. A thorny bush is called a bunch of jaggers. When I decide to redd up the room, I sweep instead of vacuum. I wear tennis shoes, not sneakers. I use gum bands not rubberbands. I emphasize my A's and that is normal. When I walk into a room, I ask what yinz guys are doin. I eat at Eat 'n Parks, not shitty diners. I drink Iron City when I'm dOwn tOwn. I can name all 3 rivers. I stay true to my Stillers even if they suck. I am from Pittsburgh. Where are you from?

ok totally sick of the "baby girl/boy" thing it like sooo 2000 and totally over!
(and that my friends is the random comment of the day)

aight well w'e more religion todo today then....
*steelers vs. browns (we beat ya once we'll beat ya agian u sukas) YEA!
*church
*lifeteen ^_^
*sleep or not depends on the mood or the moon

i have like a major nose itching problem... grrr i hate allergies....

omg i hope i dont get sick agian on retreat like i did last year... On my BiRtHdAy!!! and then they ran out of hot chocolate and i hada drink black coffee if i wanted something hot!!!!! bringing lotsa medds this year... and kleenx no one had either last year and i almost killed myself using napkins... not soft ones either....

soo many good memories it was the first time i met britt ... of course it was funn (~_^)

the parents and 3 4 5 are at church.... and i was alone enjoying the silence until 2 woke up and ruined the perfection....

i love the goo goo dolls <3 Johnny Reznik (yup prob spelled that wrong too)

no one is one cuz they are all sleeping like normal people who go to NA and dont have a kool buca homework like ME...

speaking of which i will leave now and finish that so i can watch the game....

peace love and rock

You're cynical and beautiful
You always make a scene
You're monochrome delerious
You're nothing that you seem
I'm drownin' in your vanity
Your laugh is a disease
You're dirty and you're sweet
You know you're everything to me

Everything you are
Falls from the sky like a star
Everything you are
Whatever ever you are

I wanna kick at the machine
That made you .... away you dreams
Tear down your defenses
'Til there's nothing there but me
You're angry when you're beautiful
Your love is such a tease
I'm drowning in your dizzy noise
I wanna feel you scream
-Goo Goo Dolls

-----------------------------------------------------------

HellO HellO
(HoLa)
I'm at a place called V-E-R-T-I-G-O
(Donde Esta)
Its all the things I wish I didn't know
But you give me something I can feel
I feel....
-U2

-------------------------------------------------------------

A thousand other boys could never reach you
How could I have been the one?
I saw the world spin beneath you
And scatter like ice from the spoon that was your womb

Comin' down the world turned over
And angels fall without you there
And I go on as you get colder
Or are you someone's prayer?

You know the lies they always told you
And the love you never knew
What's the things they never showed you
That swallow the light from the sun inside your room, yeah
-Goo Goo Dolls

------------------------------------------------------------

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
-Goo Goo Dolls

-------------------------------------------------------------

Can you feel it?
I didn't mean it
Can I see you?
What are we doin'?
I think I love you
But I ain't sayin'
Nothin' you don't know

Hold on dreamaway
You're my sweet charade

Take your time
Move yourself to me
Yeah, I can take your lies
Until you fall away
-Goo Goo Dolls

I'll be watching you drown
watching you scream
silent or loud
and maybe you just need
a Friend
and maybe you cant see
no one's laughing...
you will be safe with me...
you will be safe with me

dno who that's one's by... but i love that song

guess what ? my history is DONE!!! even my time line....
YAY ME!!! now i just have a kool religion paper then i can watch the steeelers game and go to lifeteen...
by the way i do getta go to 6 YaY!!!

umm ya ever heard of the song Champange Supernova? well i kinda think that is pretty kooll kinda reminds me of myself in my so called fantasty land

aight i gtg just a lil more time to wait.... i'll bback in like 12 hours while the parents are at church to type summore on that kool paper

byes and luv