hmmm big sigh... I dk, lil lost, lil confused, lil nervous.... but Wth? huh no big difference from the norm....aight yay... well I guess I am off to go shopping, hopefullly. then maybe driving, O.o scary since I haven't been out since october, then nonsense and church... LooK ouT! hmmm

yup I'm dumb... why do I always blow things out of porportion? w/e sometimes I just hate myself and feel like a totall idiot.

ok ya just got back from the Stock X-mas party on New Year's. I swear that family could drive anyone to drink... here are some highlights of the evening...my aunts and cousins singing "I will survive" at the top of their lungs into a microphone, I was so scared I almost cried, singing NSYNC christmas songs as a family, and etc. etc. Add to this alcohol and there you have a party with my family... yay! ummm NO.

now I gtg cuz my dad is weird, and I cant stand this.. I need my own place

i dk i dont understand... u know what GO DIE!!! no, not really just that I'm done...down and depressed...but lets look on the brightside, maybe its not forever, and probably, Definantly, I am blowing it out of porportion (per usual) but you know I just dont understand, and it probably my fault, it usually is, but if there is a reason could you please tell me?


[It's alright to tell me what you think about me
I won't try to argue or hold it against you
I know that you're leaving you must have your reasons
The season is calling and your pictures are falling down

The steps that I retrace the sad lookon your face
The timing and structure did you hear he ...ed her?
A day late, a buck short, I'm writing the report
On losing and failing, when I move I'm flailing now

and it'll happen once again,
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sees through the master plan

But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess ]this[ is growing up]

sry I just dont understand this... go DIE! really confused right now.... why would you do that? Am I really that annoying? WHY? u know... I thought it was kool... well I guess not! obviously wow... I dk what to say to this... I really dont... did u think I wasnt gna find out... What ever! all I have to say right now is... that it hurt

wtf? he blocked me... wtf?

shhh... dont tell anyone, but I am hiding... shhhh don't tell.... my lil cousins are over again and I am supposed to be writing a paper for english... psssshhhh right but anyways... went to the movies last night with britt, glenn, august, and chelsea... very interesting lemme tell ya... *grins*. Tonight I am going out for dinner with my family yay, such excitement O the joy, get the picture yet... listen I really dont hate my family, I would be perfectly fine if I only saw them like once a week, its just that we are together wayyyyyy too much! and there is also the little issue of my parents thinking that they have me and my sister to watch over the younger kids for them,umm this wrong. You are the parents we are the children, WATCH YouR OWN KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that really makes me POd. o well 1 and 1/2 years of hell left....*grins agian* cant spell sry folkes.... it was funn *yet another grin* aight off to try this paper... yay

phew.... break rocks... no annoying people *cough FRANNIE cough* / teachers *cough syzmanski cough* just some much needed R&R yesssss... this is the life....

so ya... my aunt was over last night, with her four little children O the joy

more randomness... maybe one day I will sit down and figure out what all this means...

You're all the things I've got to remember

You do something to me that I can't explain, So would I be out of line if I said, I miss you?-Incubus

I think I have that one in here somewhere but I like it anyways...

what if its not for me? I can take it like this but if it was someone else it would break me. The best part about this whole thing is that its probably nothing (I hope) but I am just in a mood...yay for moods... psych!

britt's away, I have no car to get to gates, ditto everyone else.... I really needa get my license.... phffffffff sigh....

Random thoughts or song pieces...

I can’t live, With or without you-U2

If I seem bleak, well, you’d be correct, And if I don’t speak, it’s ’cause I can’t disconnect, But I won’t be burned by the reflection, Of the fire in your eyes
Hey, when I ran I didn’t feel like a runaway, Hey, when I escaped, I didn’t feel like I got away, Hey, there’s more to living than only surviving, Maybe I’m not there, but I’m still trying-Offspring

An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity., I need you to hear. I need you to see., That I have had all I can take, And exploding seems like a definite possibility, To me,So pardon me while I burst into flames., I’ve had enough of the world, and it’s people’s mindless games,So pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame-Incubus

dead I am the life, dig into the skin, knuckle crack the bone, 21 to win, dead I am the dog, hound of hell you cry, devil on your back, I can never die -Rob Zombie

But as for me, I wish that I were anywhere with anyone, Making out.-Dashboard Confessional

I just want someone that I can talk to, I want you just the way you are.-Billy Joel

Damned if I don’t, damned if I do, It’s a game I just can’t win, Have you ever needed someone so bad, Have you ever wanted someone, you just couldn’t have, Did you ever tried so hard -Def Leppard


so ya... there you are

o yes another christmas passed... well bascially here it is (ina list I love lists)

MY CHRISTMAS (starting w/Christmas eve)
get ready for church at four
my gram comes over as she will be spending xmas with us
go to church and see the usual crowd
come home eat and Drink with posiblity of getting drunk
sleep
wake up
open gifities (good ones too ^_^)
eat breakfast
change
sleep
wakeup
take my gram to my cousin's (extd family O joy...)
come home
eat with Drink again
get online

yay very exciting... wine is very good for but not quites as tasty as say... Vodka, JD, whiskey or corna

the big stock family (O joy) party is one week from today Yay or not... piontlessness and boring to boot, maybe someone will have some of the aforementioned drinks and I might be able to survive it. But owell its only ONCE a year so I guess I will make it... or just like every other year be the family reject, every family needs one.

cheery thoughts I have on Christmas eh'?

owell off to do somethng possibly my scrapbook

Merry Christmas....

Few creatures of the night have captured our imagination like vampires... What explains our enduring fascination with vampires? What is it about the vampire myth that explains our interest? Is it the overtones of sexual lust,power,control... Or is it a fascination with the immortality of the undead? And what dark & hidden parts of our psyche are aroused & captivated By the legends of the undead The mysteries of the undead will continue to fascinate the living.
-vampires godsmack

ok i said that I would be back and here I am!!! I know you are sooooo excited.... right* anyways today was wedsnesday where I live and that means it was hard. I dk why but wednesdays are always hard, i dk why? It was good in a way, school was OK the seniors werent there so we were the oldest... fun! well ya...but then Justin sent me the *sweetest* text for gates...sigh....must be nice. Then I went home and break started. YAY! oya go britt in trouble...sry babe!...Then it kinda went downhill...started thinking and that's never good...realized its gna be harder than I thought to let it go cuz I still miss him... I dont want to, it just doesn't look like anything is gna happen and I dont want to wait for something that's never coming you know... but then what does all that other stuff mean... I cant forget that that easily.... I am sooo confused...owell guess I will go do my cure all for that...HARRY POTTER ya I am a dork i know... but it helps... i dont have to think about him when i read it... &%$ this is hard...I thought I was stronger than this but when it comes to him...i dk i just dk

YAY its the first day of breakkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love break!yay no school!
hmmm I dk... ummm i seen a really demonic scary picture of glenn today in frannie's yearbook, and some other random stuff

hey sry more l8ta dinner time ^_^

Twelve-pack of Bud, eleven rasslin' tickets, "ten" of "Copenhagen", nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of "Red Man", six cans of Spam...Five flannel shirts... Four Piedmont tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin' dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

Man, them ain't normal Christmas presents.
Naw, they're "redneck" gifts.
"Redneck" gifts?
Yeah, you know. Like if you bought your wife earrings that double as fishing lures. Or if you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells". Perhaps if you think the "Nutcracker" is something you did off the high dive. Or if you've ever misspelled anything in Christmas lights. Or if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus.
What's wrong with that?
I didn't say there was anything wrong with it, but it's hard to beat...

Twelve-pack of Bud, eleven rasslin' tickets, "ten" of "Copen-hagen", nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of "Red Man", six cans of Spam... Five flannel shirts... Four Piedmont tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin' dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.

You know, you can't really consider it a Christmas 'less you go down to the penitentiary 'n visit to yer mama.
You're not listening to me...Get the car key out of your ear. That's where the "nine months probation" comes in. I'm gonna do it for ya again...Now listen...

Twelve-pack of Bud, eleven rasslin' tickets, "ten" of "Copenhagen", nine years probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of "Red Man", six cans of Spam... Five flannel shirts...Four Piedmont tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin' dogs, and some parts to a Mustang GT...

***Merry Christmas****

ok so basically I wrote that last one for nothing... cuz I gotta go anyways ..... YAY!

Its all around
Pain and suffering
And I tell myself
If I just had you
I could make it through
I could stay strong in the midst of the chaos of my life
I would be able to get by
Just knowing you were there
For me to come back to
The knowledge that you were here
Waiting just for me
Wanting just me
Myself, flawed and confused
But then I realize
That I have been doing o.k. on my own
So maybe I don’t really need you to survive
But letting go is harder than I imagined
And I need you to get through it
So maybe I am back to square one
Needing you after all
^^^^^^^^
my cool poem

you know I really wish time would just stop and stand still....I mean every thing is okay right now... lBill, Adam, and Glenn still live in Pittsburgh, I dont want them to leave, the end of August is gna suck lemme tell ya *_*.... I have great friends: sarah, gates, gloria, jules, erica, rj, adam, britt, bill, glenn, ashley, steph, jess, and if i forgot you its just part of being depressed and I am sorry.....ya Time could you just stand still, life is good now and I dont want this part of it to end.....

I seem to write only when I am having a bad day....
and today is bad because it is snowing... usually this is a good thing... NOT TODAY!!! nope I probably will not be able to go the xmas party later because "the roads are too bad" (which they are not) and "the weather is too unpredictable".. ><_>< grrrrrrr I hate Pittsburgh and snowy weather!!! not going means I won't getta see Britt (the love of my life) glenn, bill, adam, alyssa, RJ, and the rest of people I know from NA and I wont get to see them until like the middle of January cuz I cant go to the Mass on Christmas eve cuz of some family BS my mom is trying to explain to me. Whatever I am out and in a very bad mood

god I feel like hell tonight, all alone I fall to pieces
wanna know why? lemme make you a list....
I am doomed to be single
I am stuck at my house
I didn't get to go to church this moring
I have a trig midterm next week
My dad is making me very angery
I have too many siblings
Its only wednesday
People like to hang up on me when I calll them
People mess with my mind
There is nothing good on the radio/TV
Three of my friends are out having a great time while I am stuck in my house
My cds are skipping
I have confession tomro
I dont have a BF
Yea can you understand why I am just a little depressed tonight? Other than that in the past couple days I have been elated, frozen, angery, sad, depressed, and woken up early. It snowd, I went to lifeteen, school, and did homework. Very interesting is it not?


I'm so lost
I am barely here
I wish I could explain myself
but words escape me
It's too late to save me
You're too late

I'm sick with apprehension
I'm crippled from exhaustion
I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me
-blink 182

so ya... I will prob do summore "research" take a shower, then try to stay up all night cuz that's what I do when I am depressed

later

at school doing this illegally again, which is why I am doing it in the first place....

hmm been awhile since I been here. What's been going on in my life not too much. In fact I will fill you later cuz lynch is back and I gtg loveallya byes

i hate my computer teacher! she is making me do my whole project over because she is evil and says its not perfectly like laura's!!!!!!!!!!! aahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

there are somthings in life that you cant respond to no matter how hard you try<-- think about it

if u cant fix it with...
tylenol,
duct tape,
a band-aid
white-out
hair spray
a kiss
a hug
drugs
alcohol
a cigarrete
a sneeze
a laugh
a cry
or a big stick
then you have a serious problem....

a: he's 3
a: doesnt quite get the concept of nudie girls yet
g: you have to start when they're young, otherwise they might  have values
g: pssssssh
g: you're never too young to be shallow and sex driven

*I spent saturday night talking with glenn