Why Give a Damn

Listening to Macy Grey but I don't feel a damn thing,
no matter what she tries to sing,
it just doesn't reach me.
I feel like such a fuck up,
that no matter what I do it's just not enough.
so why give a damn, why try.
It's not like anyone believes in me.
So if this is what you think I am,
fine. Watch me give a damn.
I can play this game much longer than you,
you don't even know what to do.
Cuz your just worried how I'll turn out,
no matter how much I shout,
all about, this crap I'm being fed.
The tears I've shed.
Trying to be everything everyone wants.
When no one accepts me anyway.
Why give a damn, why try.
I just wanna party.
Don't worry about giving me the words I wanna hear.
Cuz I don't care anymore. No I don't care right now.
I won't care tonight.
Why give a damn.
~A.M.

Speak
Speak, just speak.
Cause I don't hear you anymore.
Your looking at me, like maybe I've got all the answers.
but I don't, no I don't, because my remotes turned on to mute.
I want you to be *my* knight in shining armor, I want you to,
Speak, just speak.
Cause my eardrums are bleeding from the silence
why won't you just speak to me...
I wanna let go, but I'm super-glued to the rope,
I'm in pain, but I won't show it,
to you.
Because you might not be listening.
Stare. Don't stare.
Cause I can't take the look in your eyes.
When you come so near, it's like breathings the hardest thing to do.
Breathe. Just breathe.
I don't want to be scared.
Cause I can't let go, now I can't let go.
I can't run away.
Until I know, that I should go,
leave it all behind.
But I can't go, no I can't go.
Until you tell me to.
So speak, just speak.
Tell me I should go away.
Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't need me.
Just tell me you don't need me.
Speak, Just speak.
~A.M.

Angels' Tears ((not to be mistaken with Those Angel Tears))

I stood out in the rain,
let the tears of God and all of his angels wash me clean.
Take away all of these sins, take me away with you Lord, take me to heaven.
What would it be like, I wonder. Would everyday be sunny?
If I were up there with you Lord, could I escape all of my regrets?
I cried yesterday, because I was so scared that you wanted to take away my...
the one I love. Then I ask myself, how can you love him if you can never get close? If your too scared to get close enough for a connection?
But everytime I try to let go, I never feel right inside.
Because even if I don't know why
I still can't help but love him.
So rain, wash away my sins, let me be pure again.
give me back the childhood innocense, give me the courage to do what's right.
And Lord, if it's not too much to ask for, could you keep him safe?
The angels have stopped crying and I'm sitting, soaked.
Sometimes I wonder whether it would be easier if I were to catch pneumonia, or if God himself appeared, if He could take me to heaven.
I wonder, what is heaven like?
I wonder if it would be worth losing the one I can't have, or maybe heaven just wouldn't beheaven without his love.
Yeah that must be why I can't leave just yet.
'Cause heaven wouldn't be worth it without his love.
~A.M.

8;00
I'm just sitting on the floor,
looking at the broken tv.
Stare.
There's a reflection, but it doesn't look like me.
No, it ain't me.

Ask e what I want and I don't know,
I'll dance around your lies, around your heart.
Ask me what I've found and I'll just shake my head and smile.
Some historical artifact, some hidden key to your feelings you keep so tucked away.
But I won't tell.
no, you can't know.

Turn on the tv.
Study the colors.
The ringing in my ears, it's hard to tell whether it's the silence, or the tv.
Stare.
Let the walls fall down..
fall down all around me.
The space, the empty spaces.
I don't want to spend anymore of my time there.
It's all so wasted.

So just dance with me, here just give me your hands and I'll show you, quit saying no, quit telling me you can't. You can.

The answers will sort themselves out, and all your worrying is starting to get me worrying, 'bout all this confusion that I don't wanna think about.
So quit thinking, just quit building up those walls.

'Cause I'm not asking you to let me in. I'm not asking you to love me. I'm not asking you to like me. I'm just asking for a minute.
Away from these empty spaces.

'Cause I'm afraid of dying without feeling something real. I'm afraid to die having no one know who the hell I am. Aren't you afraid?

Of all these fake portraits of happy people hanging on these walls?
Where is the reality, where is the truth?

The occasional frown, a tear every once in awhile would do. You don't have to cry for me. I don't have to be the one to make you frown. Just don't disappear.

Turn off the tv.
Pace around.

These paintings keep staring at me. Criticizing the choices I make.

"No, shouldn't have done that."
"that definitely won't do."
"Dropped the ball there."
"You can't escape your problems, quit trying, just deal."

I'm not perfect, I know.
But I'm not the one who builds up these museums filled with fake portraits.
Happy people, cheerful faces.
Forever.

Tear them off the wall and you'll find a door. The door to you.
Turn off the light.
Stare off into the dark.
Blast the music and forget about the day...
Because you aren't thinking about me anyway.
No, you aren't thinking about me anyway.
There's a reflection in the mirror, but it ain't me.
No, it's not me.
~A.M.

Beautiful, Ugly, and Perfect

What a beautiful, beautiful lie.
What a beautiful, beatiful you.
Beautiful kisses and beautiful love.
Beautiful flowers and beautiful couples.
Beautiful me. Beautiful you.
It's such a beautiful, beautiful lie.
Beautiful, beautiful.

Lets not talk about that ugly, ugly mistake.
Lets not speak about the future and the ugly choices we have to make.
Lets not start with the ugly words and lets forget about those ugly silences, we share, together.
Lets escape this ugly world,
yeah lets go somewhere beautiful.

Perfect, perfect world.
Perfect, perfect you.
Perfect, perfect me.
Perfect words and perfect actions,
perfect poems, perfect verses.

Together we could pretend this perfect scene.
Rehearse the scripts tell they sound almost real. we could pretend to be real. Instead of forcing our plastic figures to fit well with one another. We could lie to everyone else. Instead of faking those smiles and painting on the emotions.
I could try to love you, I could pretend to want your love.
You could try to love me, you could pretend to want my love.

In this beautiful, beautiful world. Without those ugly, ugly mistakes, in this perfect, perfect scene.
Where love comes in second,
where duty comes first.
My make-ups wearing thin, my feelings not invisible.
I've run out of beautiful lies.
We've made too many ugly mistakes.
This perfect world is falling apart... and we all fall down.
Yeah, we all fall,
down.
~A.M.

See
Baby let me see, those deep eyes of yours, baby lemme see, what its like bein' you.
Lemme see you, lets see what it's like, bein you.
Cause baby I dunno, what it's like be-ing you.
To be so scared to let things happen, too shy to say hello,
tell me baby cause your world seems so surreal.
I wanna know what it's like to be you, so maybe I can, understand.
Why do you always look away,
is it all me, my fault?
Whenever I look at you,
Cause I don't understand,
no I just don't understand!
Why do you always look away whenever I look at you?
But whenever I turn away,
babe, all you ever do is stare.
Yuh know hunny, that just ain't fair.
So lemme see you, lemme see you, cause I'm dying to know,
What's your rea-lity?
Cause all I can see in those eyes of yours, baby all *I* can see-e...
I see clouds, I see rain, but I know the sun shines again.
Yeah, I see us... but your not there.
So look into my eyes, tell me what you see. Tell me why your so afraid of, you *and* me!
I promise not to nag, not to meddle or to pry, so baby what's your problem with, you & I?
Cause all I can see in your eye-e-eyes.
all I see-e
all I see-e
I see you.
But I don't see me.
So come here, and lemme see those deep eyes of yours.
Cause I wanna see what you see,
lemme know what it's like bein' you.
~A.M.

Windowpane
Staring at the windowpane, wondering where I am. Looking back on my life it seems like nothing but a dark alleyway, a cornfield maze with no way out, no way in.
So many things that I've done wrong, so many lies that I have told, there are so many regrets to bare, but I can't. No I won't.
Because there's all this pain I feel for everything I've played out so wrong, all these people I could change, for better or for worse.
But I have to find out who I am, and this is not, not his is not who I am.
This person who likes to sit alone, be alone, feel alone, the person that my friends don't get to see, this person can't be me. I try to convince myself, but right now there's no time to get away, run away, run away like I always do.
I'm gonna hide away now, hide away from you.
'Cause you won't understand, no you can't understand, is what I always say. No one will ever understand me, I just can't let them. I'm too far away. Too far away to be saved by you.
And then the darkness comes. You stand out in the open. I try to tell you, but you won't back down. But I don't let it get to you.
'Cause my whole point in the first place was to save you, put you high up on a pedestal. With those other few people I try to save from this darkness, that darkness.
You're all too beautiful to let it get to you, I won't let it get to you.
Because when it gets to you, that's when I'm left wide open, for the darkness to see. That's whenit really finds me. It's too much for me to see you hurt, won't you smile? How can I fix it, how can I make it all better? You act as if I can't fix anything, anymore.
I don't like how I am anymore.
We fight so often, this seems so pointless. I get so angry, you get so furious. But no matter how much we fight, your still my family, I'll save you from the darkness you love to live in.
Won't you open your eyes, see how much your worth. I don't care if your disabled, your insecurities don't mean a thing to me. You're my family, don't talk about going away.
Because you aren't the only one you hurt, when you talk about leavin'. I don't want to think about being alone in this world, you think you've got it so hard bein' the one leavin', but I'm the one whose getting left behind.
Staring at the windowpane, wondering what I did again.
Wondering where I am again. The darkness clears and I can see.
And the light is so beautiful.
~A.M.

Lyin' Awake
I'm lying awake, it's 12:16, friday morning, but I just can't sleep.
The beds all made, it's quiet in the house, too quiet for me.
I need to get outta this place, I just want to be somewhere far away. Sometimes life is just a little too hard to handle, whadyasay bout leaving this place behind??
Cause I don't wanna think about getting a job, school or home. I wanna escape this world for awhile, whatdyasay? Lets go away, at least for a little while.
I wanna jump over the moon, run around in the rain, we can run until we can barely crawel, then rest on top a rainbow.
Ride it up tell we find ourselves a leprechaun, but those lucky charms are *mine*. Yea we could run away today, lets just leave it all behind.
Lets play hide-n-seek in the clouds, until we fall asleep. We could find ourselves ontop of a bean stalk when we wake, c'mon, we can take on that giant.
He ain't so tough, he ain't so big...
Come run away with me, it's so early. We have about 23 hours to find something to do, someplace we could escape to.
It's 12:16, friday morning, I'm wide awake. No place to be but here, in this quiet place. Just too quiet for me.
Yeah, we could get away.
~A.M.

Today
I've got myself a headache today, won't seem to go away.
Nothing seems to flow so well today, no matter what I try to do, or say.
I try to just let the creativity flow, but it just won't go, today.
It's taking so long for this email to send, to my grandma. I send her weekly updates to let her know how I've been. It's been a week, today.
I just dont kno what to do with myself today, cause it seems no matter what I do or say, it just ain't the right thing to do. Today.
I'd sit outside, but it's too cold, and I'm pretty sure it's snowin. And the winds blowin, just a mile a minute, and I just took a shower, an hour, ago.
My guitars' sittin in a corner, begging to get played, but I just don't feel like playing, today.
No I don't feel like doing much, today.
Becuase everything I say and do, is so off-key, and my bones feel like crackin in the evenin' breeze, and I don't know, today just ain't so great, not today.
So I think I'll just stay, right here, under the sheets, yeah I think I'll just stay here, under the covers, today.
~A.M.

Lovely Strangers

We're both just a couple of lovely strangers, never knowing what to say.
Just a couple of lost souls, searching.
Maybe we could find some solace in each other, maybe that thingwe're both searching for is closer then it seems.
Those what ifs could be why nots in disguise, those glances could be more then the simple goodbyes.
I feel like I'm just sitting still, watching everything go by.
You look so distant, but so still.
Your just some lovely stranger that I just can't get out of my head. It sounds so odd I know.
'Cause your just a random someone, you shouldn't be so different from the rest, and yet I can't shake that feeling that somehow you are.
That if I let you, you could mean something to me. But I'm so scared to let you.
And when I see your eyes, you look scared too.
~A.M.

There was a long little line that I followed down the street, I followed it around the corner and to the left, another right I took and went straight for a time... and I can't remember wanting to follow it, or not wanting to... simply to follow it was where my feet took me, and I never looked behind me, or ahead... merely at my feet, where I traced the line with my shoes.

The line lasted for years, how many I forget. Then one day as I was following that long thin line, I stepped astray it's path, no other reason than because thats where my feet took me.
When I looked back, the line was gone. So I turned around and went home.

There was once a world in which I thought I was expected to fit. It took me a while, but I realized that I didn't want to be in that world full of the jocks, jack-asses, bitches, drug addicts, and drunks. That I stood with a long line that was chained hand in hand, full of the ex-preps, friendless, dorks, 'geeks', 'nerds', and the people who are cool just by nature.
The minority against the majority. Thats where I am... where are you again?