My sister told me she farted...and then my other sister (the younger one) looked at her and said "Girls don't fart..they FLUFF!"..

  Why is it that i got the image of a cotton ball popping out of a butthole when she said that?

Mal: "So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy."

Simon: "It's just a bad day."

Mal: "No, a bad day is when someone's yellin' spooks the cattle. Understand? You ever see cattle stampede when they got no place to run? It's kind of like a...a meat grinder. And it'll lose us half the herd."

Simon: "She hasn't gone anywhere near the cattle."

Mal: "No, but in case you hadn't noticed, her voice kinda carries. We're two miles above ground and they can probably hear her down there. Soon as we unload, she can holler until our ears bleed." (to River) "Although I would take it as a kindness if she didn't."

River: "The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems."

Mal: (to Simon) "See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like."
______________________
Mal: "Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun? Now I'm not saying you weren't easy to find but it was kinda out of our way, and he didn't want to come in the first place. Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really, it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting." (to Simon) "Gotta say, doctor, your talent for alienatin' folk is near miraculous."

Simon: "Yes, I'm very proud."
______________________
Book: "I am a Shepherd. Folks like a man of God."

Mal: "No, they don't. Men of God make everyone feel guilty and judged."
_____________________
Bandit #1: "And I think maybe you're gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus."

(Husband) Jayne: "Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature."

(Wife) Mal: "How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?"

(Husband) Jayne: "If I could make you purtier, I would."

(Wife) Mal: "You are not the man I met a year ago." (they suddenly draw their guns on the bandits, Mal slowly pulling his bonnet off)

Mal: "Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet: I will end you."
_______________________
Book: "If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater."

Mal: "I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I'm an evil, lecherous hump."

Zoe: "No one's saying that, sir."

Wash: "Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly."
_____________________
Mal: "Pupils were fixed and dilapidated-"

Simon: "Dialated-"

Mal: "Dialated! Dialated! Ching-wao tsao duh liou mahng!" [Ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng = Frog-humping sonofabitch]
_____________________
Book: "Yes, I'd forgotten you're moonlighting as a criminal mastermind now. Got your next heist planned?"

Simon: "No. But I'm thinking about growing a big black mustache. I'm a traditionalist."
_____________________
Mal: (kneeling at altar, in disguise) "Dear Buddha: please bring me a pony, and a plastic rocket-"

Inara: "Mal, what are you doing here?!"

Mal: "Well, you invited me."

Inara: "I never thought for a second you'd be stupid enough to come!"

Mal: "Well that makes you kind of a tease, doesn't it?"

I'm on fictionpress...sooo...

go to http://www.fictionpress.com/~jadeisms

then click my story...and read read read~!!!!...it should all be on there now...

this is the story for chapter five...fyi

update. the er was wrong. was not copper allergies..

but a bad bad bout of strep throat...that i've had for 3WEEKS!!!...

so yeah

ok. i'm going insane. did you guys know that?...know why?

i think you could call it copper poisening...

alright. Treetop had this little copper ring/tube thing. it looked cool so i put it on my finger, and thomas...knowing what would happen, tried to take it off of me. It ended up cutting my finger a little bit....but enough i guess.

anyways...now i've got red, swollen spots all over my hands...and they itch like no other itch before...imagine poisen ivy that's been bitten by 30 misquitoes...tiems 300...that's how bad it is.(three days later mind you!) a little on my elbows...and oddly....a huge bunch on my feet...but my right hand is the worst....even though the ring was on my left hand...go figure



but the other two didn't get near as bad, and treetop wore it for two days...i wore it for a full two minutes...and yet it still reduced me to tears, from frustration...cuz you just can't get the itch to go away..and annoyance, irritation,pain?...whatever.. ..and i don't cry from phsyical pain...that much (i'm too much of a clutz to cry at pain..lol)

it's also like...made me do some pretty weird looking things....i drug my hands across the carpet(like i was digging...it kinda helped) stuck my hands under the the faucet when just the hot water had been running for like ten minutes..(mi familia was washing dishes...)left them in the running water for like ten more minutes...felt so good...though normally it woulda made me wince in pain and problably burn my fingers... but god did that feel so good...

but i can't do that all night...

so i'm going to the docter tommorrow....becuase i can't stand it...it's gotten so bad that i've been literally biting my hands to stop the itching....

it has been keeping me awake at night, and my thumbs are pretty swollen...

i'm on some pretty stong medicine of my dad's....pain medicine...pretty much..just makes you sleepy after like 20 minutes...so i don't know if it'll work...but at least i'll get some sleep tonight...then i'll wake up tommorrow in sheer agony...so looking forward to that...*insert dramatic eye roll here*

anyways, i'm going to take a pic prollly so if ya'll want to see a pic of it (becuase if one of ya'll had something ilke that...i'd definatly want to see...i'd actually ask to feel it in real life...cuz..in all honestly, the bumps do look and feel kinda cool.i'ts kindan like...it looks like the bumps would be all rough/squishy...but they feel smooth.....god i'm sick like that arn't i?)...i'll give it to ya...just message...HA!

I have traveled
many moonless nights
cold and weary
with a babe inside
and i wonder what i've done
holy father, you have come
and chosen me now
to carry your son

i am waiting
in a silent prayer
i am frightened
by the load i bear
in a world as cold as stone
must i walk this path alone?
be with me now, be with me now
breath of heaven hold me together
be forever near me breath of heaven
breath of heaven lighten my darkness
pour over me your holiness for you are holy


do you wonder
as you watch my face
if another should have had my place?
but i offer all i am for your plan
help me be stong, help me be
help me

breath of heaven hold me together
be forever near me breath of heaven
breath of heaven lighten my darkness
pour over me your holiness for you are holy

repeat 3 times

i don't make mistakes i date them

to brighten anyone's day...well..it made me laugh anyway

these are songs from goo goo dolls..one of my favorite bands.

i've only heard a few of their songs (why does limewire have to not work???..damn!) anyways..

here

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this next one has absolutely nothing to do with anything..

it's kinda like the anti-emo....ha..just read it...it made me laugh...


"Up Yours"

Up yours
Stop your whine
Feelin' swell
And I'm doin' fine

Yeah, fuck your suicide
It's all bullshit cuz I tried
And it really don't impress me all that much

Up yours
What'd you find
Sit right down
I got time

And you say here comes the end
And you haven't got a friend
And I'm standing here just screaming at the wall

Up yours
Stop your whine
Whatcha ya got
I got mine

And you shake your stupid head
And you wish that you were dead
And I swear sometimes you're happier than me

And you know it's hard to be
All the things you want me to be
And you go and make it hard on me
But I swear that anything you could be, I could be, can't you see

Up yours
Got no mind
That's too bad
You got time

Yeah, fuck your silly game
Cuz it's driving me insane
And it really doesn't matter much to me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

yet another funny one....
"James Dean"

Look around outside
Ain't nothing to do but hang around
Think about all the stupid things that I've done
I guess I ain't nothin' but a clown

If I had a wish, I swear I'd wish, I'd wish for just one thing
And I don't even like to think about all the things my wish'd bring

Cuz I just wanna be James Dean
I just wanna be James Dean
I just wanna be James Dean
For a day

I wanna be oversexed and underworked and look at me I'm such a jerk

And I just wanna be James Dean
For a day

Think about stories of the actors and the movies stars
Sittin' here watchin' the old men drinkin' at the bar
I think about Dean and all the things he should've tried
I think about Dean and all the ways he could've died
Yeah, died

And I wouldn't give a shit about anything cuz I'd be such a big movie star
And that don't really do me much good just cryin' at the bar

But I just wanna be James Dean
I just wanna be James Dean
I just wanna be James Dean
For a day

See but I'm overworked and undersexed and look at me I'm such a wreck

And I just wanna be James Dean
For a day

Going crazy cuz I'm always all alone
Going crazy no one calls me on the phone
I think about Dean and I know Dean he wouldn't care
If I was Dean I know there'd be somebody there
Yeah, there'd be somebody there
For me

Yeah I think about all the really cool things I could do and say
Then you go and tell me that you found out Dean was gay...

No, I don't wanna be James Dean
I don't wanna be James Dean
I don't wanna be James Dean
Anymore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

world's shortest song??
"Hammerin' Eggs (The Metal Song)"

Dog corn another me buy gonna I'm, Mama
(Mama, I'm gonna buy me another corn dog - only backwards)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Don't Beat My Ass (With A Baseball Bat)"

Things don't look to good to me
I feel I'm out of luck
And all because of swollen glands
And just one stupid fuck

This whacko came from Alabammy
That's not where it's at
And now your jock's been chasing me 'round
With a great big baseball bat

Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass with a baseball bat, no

Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass with a baseball bat, no

Well I was in the mood for some lovin' bulk
Not a wrassling match with a some big hulk
And this here dude, he was an uncool cat
And he beat me by my head with a baseball bat

Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass with a baseball bat, no

Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass with a baseball bat, no

Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass with a baseball bat, no

Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass
Don't kick my ass with a baseball bat, no

When I got up from being beat to the ground
I started itchin' around like a blue-tick hound
And I was aghast at what I found
The latest social disease that's been going around

I'll kick your ass
(I'll kick your ass)
I'll kick your ass
(I'll kick your ass)
I'll kick your ass with a baseball bat, bitch

I'll kick your ass
(I'll kick your ass)
I'll kick your ass
(I'll kick your ass)
I'll kick your ass with a baseball bat, bitch

I'll kick your ass
(I'll kick your ass)
I'll kick your ass
(I'll kick your ass)
I'll kick your ass with a baseball bat, bitch

I'll kick your ass
(I'll kick your ass)
I'll kick your ass
(I'll kick your ass)
I'll kick your ass with a baseball bat, bitch


a greatly funny one..

these are by the guy who gave us teh emo song..at least...i think so...

lol they're great
http://youtube.com/watch?v=q-H0fjhzTf8

all the small things. just so i don't forget that song

kenzi might have this one...she might like it too lol

Me no money, me no care! Me go marry millionaire. When he die, me no cry. Me go marry other guy!

"Legally, its questionable. Morally, its disgusting. Personally, I like it."

[The Freshman by the Verve Pipe]


When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice


I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place


For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen


My best friend took a week's
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks's worth of
Valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says


I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place


For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen


hey yeah
hey yeah
hey yeah


We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our
Heads on the floor

Benefits of Being a Woman
We got off the Titanic first.


We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.


Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.


We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.


We can cry and get off speeding fines.


We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.


Taxis stop for us.


Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.


We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.


Free drinks, free dinners.


We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.


We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.


New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.


If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.


It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.


No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.


We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.


If we forget to shave, no one has to know.


We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.


If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.


We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.


If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.


We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.


We have the ability to dress ourselves.


We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.


If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.


There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.


We'll never regret piercing our ears.


We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.


We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.


We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.


Female to Male Translation


What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry right now!?"


What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW


If Only Men Would Listen


A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "PIG!!"


The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!"


They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.


If only men would listen.