Waiting all day.. for someone to suggest.. to come over... to go over there.. so i can see him... when im not around him.. he is all i think about... all i seem to really care about.. and then he's there... and i feel wanted...i was waiting for him all day...when i got there he was gone.. no one knew where...10 minutes before i had to leave.. a black cat.. then him...embraced by him right away... not a moments hesitation...our conversation brought tears to my eyes...he wants something before he leaves...but for some reason i feel i cant give that to him...what would come of it when he was gone? for a year and a half...what would come of us.. would there even be an us? there wont be a moment that i dont think of him... that his name wont be in a conversation...that he wont be in my mind...i dont want to push him away... but that is all i know to do... call it a defense mechanism... i dont know...people say that we will never see eachother again... but i want to think different.. if i die trying..we will see eachother again...birthdays he will miss.. his...his brothers...mine.. other friends... i wouldnt want to survive... the one thing that brought him to us.. is taking him away... i cry just thinking about it..

Fuck the damn government... they are taking so many of the people that i care about...

Jeff- How am i gonna be able to laugh without you... no more random dry humpings... or water attacks *smiles* you are so loud and such a goof, it definately wont be the same without you.. for a year and a half... If you die i swear to god i will kill you

Matt- I care about you so much. Somehow i will try to explain it to you.. if i can.. i wont see you for so long.. and the consensis is that i wont ever get to see you again... but nothing can stop me from trying to see you again.. i will see you again.. if you die i swear to god i will kill you

Joshie- I know that i will miss your dorkiness... and who will i have to drive around every other day?! i will have more gas in my car than i know what to do with...if you die i swear to god i will kill you

Hyde- I know that i barely know you.. but you were a funny guy.. you made me laugh and you are really smart. You put up with my sex eyes and even played along. you are a real cool guy... if you die i swear to god i will kill you

i love you all sooo much.. and for every letter i write.. i had better get 4 back!! please write me loves!

for some odd reason.. i feel like everyone is going to hate me today... i should have stayed home...

He has a crush....*cries*
He has a crush.... that's not me...
*sobs*
I lost him....
He gave up on me...
said i blamed him....
i supposed i could have done that...
without knowing...
*tear falls*
The one person i thought would never leave....
Left
and didnt come back to me...
Like i thought he would....
someone else...
caught his eye....
and it's not me...
*hides*

i dont know what i want... im not happy... 'you guys look cute together'...'i was pawning you off'... no where in there does anyone say that they just want me to be happy.. cuz if they wanted that... then they would let me be... they would understand.. its too hard... i dont wanna explain... this was really forced... i dont wanna hurt you... i dont wanna get hurt... but we are strangers... put together by friends.... too soon for me... but how do i say it.. i care about you so much... but i suck at life... i suck at being me... im not a good person... nor a good girlfriend... but will he understand? i dont wanna hurt him... i dont wanna be hated... i care so much... and i like him alot.... but i cant be a girlfriend anymore... i suck at it.. i suck at life... maybe if you read this... you will be ok... and understand... i care about you... please dont hate me... please dont be mad... i cant do this anymore.... im not girlfriend material.... can we still be friends?

So many feelings
Stuck in my head
So many secrets
Shoved under my bed
You said that you cared
About what i feel
I dont want to think
My broken heart is real
How can i stop
When my feet cant reach the ground
How can you ask for space
When you're never around
It's hard to break a heart
That was never whole to start with
I wish i could understand
Why you want to do this

   to me...to you...to us...


These fucking words
on this fucking paper
cant express the pain
the death of a heart
and the feeling of trust
disappears
and i really dont think
you fucking care
you just let me say goodbye
no stopping me
and no objection
thats not what i expected
adter all those things we've said
and promised
you fucking broke them all!
You dont see my pain
and seem not to care
i hear apology after apology
all sounding the same
a blur
no meaning
so you dont know what you want
well neither do i!
But do you see me going around
breaking hearts?
hurting souls?
and shoving it in your face?!
no, cuz i cared
about you...
It used to be mutual
  Fuck it all...

i know you didnt want to hurt me... but how could you not? i thought what we had was just fine... why couldnt we just have that and leave it alone... i dont know how to act.. i dont know what to say... i dont know what to do....dont be destructive you say... hmm...

Hold me
Touch me
Want me
Save me
Protect me
Smile at me
LOOK AT ME
Save me
Love me
Dont lead me on...

IF you feel like reading some not-so-poetry then here ya go... If you really understand and know me and my friends you can place certain people in certain poems... I love you all very much and i will NEVER forget you and who you made me.. thanks for everything guys, you dont know what you've dont for me.. if only you knew...

I Wanna feel a real smile,a real laugh,real happiness,its harder every day,i sit in the corner,watching the day go by,staring blankly ahead,blurs of people,no faces,no trace of a real smile,zombies, drones,i see fancy clothes hiding the pain, frowns hiding the tears, and smiles fooling everyone, see... I got you too...

Hands shaking, heart pumping, words buzzing around in my head, how to pick the right ones... I dont know, I hate you... I feel my anger welling up inside me, you thought you knew me, and my feelings inside me, stab my back, break my legs, twist my neck, I wont listen to you , i wont hear your lies, i dont need your help to feel miserable!!!

I love you guys, my farting friends, my laughing frineds, my bawls friends, my driving friends, miles, tears, frowns, turning worlds upside down, the cars, my house, the days in the past, the days i love i knew would never last...

What are you supposed to do what a friend you care about so much, hurts, you dont know exactly why, but you wanna help, you wanna reach down deep and pull out the words that will instantly cure them, that will make them smile, the words are lost to me, so much good advice taken, but so little given back, sometimes.. it hurts...

Stick by me, never leave my side, im comfortable... Dont make me miss you, please dont go home, I'm, finally happy.... Dont smile at me, without a hug, I wanna feel loved....

Watch me, layer after layer, a complicated puzzle with a million pieces, you get to the end, and the last piece doesnt fit, becuase the puzzle changed, again... theres no difference between the first piece and the last, im the puzzle that everyone gives up on, they just quit...

I know so little, about this person, but know so much about my feelings, so little gas in my car, but so much hope in my heart, so little understanding, and so much to understand, I know he cares, i knew he loves, and so do i , but theres so little i can do, and so much i want done...

I put on my face, the one that hides me, hides my fears, my tears, my feelings, the mask that has a smile, stuck on the outside, rosey cheeks, imperfect perfection, but what lies beneath no one has seen, a sight so brutal, so unreal, its unfit for eyes to see, so fake, so forced, so me....

i like someone... and what are you supposed to do when you like someone.. alot.. and you dont wanna hurt them.. all i do is hurt people and i dont wanna hurt him... he is such a sweetheart.. and i know he cares about me.. cares enough to listen to me cry about the dumbest things.. i smoke.. yeah i smoke.. and i know he doenst like smokers.. and i feel really bad cuz like i wanna smoke but i can quit really easily cuz if i just didnt have anymore then id be fine... but i dont wanna quit.. i feel like he thinks im contaminated... i dont wanna lead him on either... i cant have a boyfriend right now.. not at this point in my life.. but if i were ready to have one.. he would be it.. there is a distance.. and i hate it..i want to be closer.. but its not easy.. what am i supposed to do.. to stay in contact.. to feel like the empty space is filled... i dont want the empty space anymore....run...

My hands keep running
over stretches of skin
that feel foreign
to the touch.
New exposures
of the sharp
perfection
of bone over softness
multiply daily.
But questions
and looks of concern
are easily quieted now
because too much
is still
ten pounds
of controlled compulsion
away.



I refuse to be alone
why have you forsaken
forgotten
abandoned me
I cannot be alone tonight
I hate to feel this way
you have made me feel this way
you left me alone
I dont love you
when you leave me alone
I dont want to be with you
but I cant be alone
you save me
and condemn me
at the same time
you save me from lonliness
but leave me alone
the very next day
I can not escape this void
only you can save me from this
why wont you save me from this
why cant you understand
its being alone
that is killing me



Remember me once im gone,
Remember me,
Still living strong.
Remember me after the H bomb explosion,
Rocks our hearts.
H bomb hearts lies before me,
Waiting for another chance.
Comes down with no remorese,
Leaving me be.
Ill fly to the heavens,
Riding on a rocket.
Replace all of my thoughts,
With the arsenic in honor of rememberance...


llegible expressions in your face
i don’t know where your heart lives
or if you have one
yet
or if I’m ready to find out
have I gone through enough yet
in the name of love?
do I want it anymore
if I did
it’s you I would turn to
but I don’t know
much anymore
except I’m listening to jimmy eat
world again and I’m living in fear
of betraying my emotions
and that doesn’t happen when
my soul is unbound


open window
forgotten past
didnt sneak out
but stayed
waited for hours...
but the the window stayed open
you never returned as you promised
once again i was lied to
cryed myself to sleep again
falling asleep to the sound
of silence.


There's some nights I know,
though try as I might,
it will always hurt to die alone.
-Every night-
Something in me realizes
that this pain is not worth the fight.
I've lost this match
why try again?
-Imagine-
my heart gives up
my pulse gives in
Its so much easier to end it all
that to pick up and struggle
I'll never recover
what I've lost
and I fear I've lost it all
Crying myself to sleep for you-
as though we were never in love at all.



They Both Knew
Brought to the knees of confession
Wrapped in the robes of silhouettes of conquered nightmares
He stood there, with her conscious in his hands
He watched her sleeping form at dusk
In the twilights crystal glow he would stay
He knew she deserved her own truth
But giving back her conscious was not an option
She stirred as she woke
Only to see his tear-stained face
As he let her crawl from his warmth
She knew she wanted to leave
But he was the only one that held the key to her retreat
Tasting her disapproval through her words
He loosened his hold on her heart
But as soon as he realized he had let go… she was gone.


You called me beautiful-
You still do every now and then.
But it's all based
on this lying face.
She smiles for you-
the only way to get through the day.
Did you know
that's the only part of me
you've ever seen?
You wouldn’t think my wrists
were as pretty.
Of course you wouldn’t.
You'd probably like it
if I just stayed silent.
You watched me crying that day.
Staring
asking what was wrong.
I say as I always do
"Nothings wrong, I'm fine."
While inside I'm screaming
"EVERYTHING!"
Walking away
thinking to myself
that’s it, I cant take it anymore.
You're so blind, you can see inside me
if you tried.
Maybe you can't understand me because
you won't.
who wants to waste their time
on a broken little girl?
You called me beautiful-
You still do every now and then.
But it's all based
on this lying face.
She smiles for you-
the only way to get through the day.