2:05 am
for the past half hour i have been sitting by an open window watching it rain... the occasional drop came in.. i could smell that distinct smell of rain everywhere.. i just wanted to be enveloped in it.. the sound was so peaceful.. the occasional blast of thunder.. so i went outside and stood in the middle of the street between two street lights.. and cried.. i cried for me.. for talen.. for matt and jeff and hyde.. i cried for my mom.. my sisters.. my friends.. and i couldnt stop.. i didnt want to.. because no one can see you cry in the rain...
As i sit all alone in this house.. shivering.. i think about what could have been.. or whats coming to me..
Could things have been different if you didnt date my friends?
Would you still be my best friend if i didnt call you that night?
Would you have been happier if i didnt call Dustin that night?
Could i still go to college if i decided to smoke all the weed that you offered?
It could have all changed my life..
What if i didnt meet you that one day.. what if you didnt talk to me.. what if we didnt see eachother.. and what if you didnt sing to me?
I am infatuated...
I am frustrated...
I am confused...
then i sleep
I dont think people understand... one word... one action... one look.. can break your heart... not trying to hurt you.. boo hoo... you did... fuck you... i dont see why i keep trying to come back to you... you have her... and you 'love her more than life itself'... that used to be me... you dont know what fucking love is! neither of you do! so stop saying that you are in love!! YOUR NOT!!! and i think you know that... so you pull her closer to you... and you make her stay with you... i hope your relationship goes to hell... and you feel the pain that i feel... the pain of that blade hitting your skin... watching the blood seep out... i hope you feel it... every fucking day of your fucking pathetic lives!!!
I'm sorry to everyone... to the ones that i have upset... the ones that i love... the ones that i let go... and the ones that gave up on me... im sorry that i hurt you... im sorry that i made you cry... im sorry that i loved you... and you'll be sorry when i die...
you said you cared about me... that you didnt wanna hurt me..
well you did
you said you liked me... that you were happy with me...
now you're not
you said you could deal... that it would be easy
it just got complicated
you said you just wanted to be friends...noth
i thought we were
i know what you are saying... to your friends
you lie to me...
what am i supposed to think? what am i supposed to do?
i cut...
my heart aches
I sit in the dark
I sit and hear the quiet...
of loneliness
I see pairs of shadows dancing
on the ground
from apartments above
I dream to know
what that would be like
I am here alone
I am here unwanted
So i have problems?
"Not just after school special problems"
Hard core...
What does that mean?
You said you cared
but now all you can do
is criticize...
you said you loved me once or twice
i thought you meant it
you would hold me
smile at me
say you never wanted
to let me go
but i fell
and you didnt pick me up
like you said you would...
I trusted you...
You saw me....
And now the world
will never see
the true me
because you wanted
to change me...
Who do I trust?
What do i want?
I trusted you...
You blew it
You are saying
I'm not good enough
At least
Thats what im hearing...
I dont want to accept it
The fact that you've changed
cuz it sucks...
You're not the same
But you dont care
I'm not what you want
anymore...
A simple blade
Could end it all
A few too many pills
A life thats steadily getting worse
No ups and downs, no hills
My love for you
Was all i had
You said you loved me too
A heart you broke for reasons unkown
I dont know what to do
You said you cared
When we talked
To call when i needed a friend
I called somtimes like you told me to
Then you brought it to an end
This diary filled
With words for you
I thought you would understand
That what he had was special to me
I still wanna hold your hand
You cast me out
Left in the dark
And still I dont know why
You left me here all alone
In a corner left to die...
Love is a disease. You really have to think about it... when you love someone, its a chemical in your brain. your oras mix and your brain makes that connection. it interprets that chemical as a good thing and you want nothing more than to be with them:
In my case:
Love seemed to be more natural when i was on the phone with him. Hes been gone for so long that my brain was used to not having that chemical that our mixing oras produced. When he came back and was actually around me, i felt like i couldnt be close to him. My body was in shock! LITERALLY! Our oras were mixing again and my brain felt that something was different and intrepreted it as a bad thing@ In defense, my mind and body put up the sheilds. Around him the chemical was overwhelming, and I couldnt take it. But without him is like coming down from a high, I just wanted to go back to him and never leave him once i was gone. If it would have been more than 4 days my body and mind would have adjusted to that chemical and signal and I would feel normal, more comfortable with or without him. Now hes gone, adn i feel like ive been on drugs. I cant sleep becuase i know hes not here, and all i want is for him to come back to me.. but i would withdraw... thinking something isnt right... cuz my brain hates me...
Every person has a metaphorical "ora" (or real depending on your point of view) With everon that yo meet, your oras mix, and that decides how you react to them. It knows what its doing, it can even be considered your real feelings. You get to know a person more and more, and soone enought they mix to the point where it is indecipherable to see where your ora starts and theirs ends, love can be an end result.
Your ora can decide what kind of love you have. With your friends, you love them to the point where you can absolutely go days on end of either being together or apart. Bur your real love, completely different. I almost wanna associate it with colors.
One persons ora is read, another blue. fine on their own, primary colors, strong and bold. But when you put them together, it makes something so beautiful, that when you pull them apart again, its just ordinary and nothing compared to when they were together. They are their own seperate colors, capable of completing their own individual tasks, but when once again reunited, the beauty is restored to full capacity. A primary color does have to fufill its own purpose, and can stand alone just fine, but always knowing that it is capable of making much greater and more beautiful things.
That is love. Chemicals in your brain triggering individual bodily and mental reactions. A clear mind is one hard thing to find. One that isnt tainted by medications or horrible pasts and fear. A mind that can only be achieved at birth, the most innocent time in a humans life. Its there for on day, then gone as quickly as it came, spoiled by the pathetic exsistance we call life
I see my friend as different shades of red, orange and yellow...But my love is blue. The one i can mix my own red with to make something more beautiful than if we were alone.
Tuesday October 18th, 2005
1:02 a.m.
i love you
thanks for the insite dustin... and thanks for being there for me when i needed someone and no one else was around.. you mean alot to me... much love bro :)
emily
Macabre Toys
I gave a small, content smile as I looked down at the boy's still warm body. Setting the steel wool brush into what remained of the bleach water, I reached down into the tub and pulled the plug. A small giggle escaped me as I watched the blood streaked bleach-water slowly drain away. This one had been quite lively. Reaching out, I stroked the remaining bits of jewel and metal that still studded his body. I slipped the tips of my fingers into one of the jagged, oozing, bloody holes in his ear, where one of his many piercings had been ripped out. Pulling my hand back to my lips, I licked my fingers clean of the blood and puss, looking once more at the boy, curled up in a fetal position in the tub. A smile kissed my lips again as I noted the small details…the white gleam of his ribs, elbows, and knees where the bleach had eaten through…the bloody sores where the steel wool brush had scraped away his flesh.
“Well, time to take care of this,” I whispered softly, slipping my arms under the boy's body. This had to be done before rigor mortis set it, which would've made it painfully difficult. Carrying the body out back, I lay it down on a plastic bag on the ground, stretching it out to it's full length. Unsheathing a large blade that resembled a machete, I slipped it right under that soft spot where the ribs join together, then jerked upwards in a violent spasm, hearing the boy's ribs snap like dry branches. Laying the knife to the side for the moment, I slide my fingers into the new gash, ripping the ribcage open with a loud crack, as a gush of steam and blood pours out of the newly opened cavity into the crisp autumn air. Retrieving the blade, I move up to his neck. Slipping the blade carefully between two vertebrae, I wrenched the blade, twisting it until a satisfactorily loud pop is heard as the head bobs, suddenly loose. Quickly I cut away the flimsy pieces of flesh that are keeping the head attached. Taking the head into my lap, I carefully rip out his lip rings, stud, nose ring, eyebrow wings, and remaining earrings. Slowly I pull out his tongue, pulling his tongue ring out from the shredded, bloody mass left of the flesh of his tongue. Bending down, my lips brush the area that once was his lips, before the bleach had eaten it away. Carefully I set the gorgeously macabre head down inside a plastic bag, tying it shut tightly.
I set the knife against the unpierced skin of his stomach and slashed down, spilling his warm intestines out. I thrust my hand amongst them, reveling in their rubbery, moist texture. Moving them aside, I placed the blade between two vertebrae, just above his hips. Wrenching the blade just as I had for his neck, I giggled as the body separated into two pieces with a loud cracking pop. Picking up the upper chest cavity, I placed it inside a large black trash bag, tying it securely shut. I set the lower body inside a bag as well, but before closing it up, I pulled out his left leg. Carefully I cut away the skin and tiny bit of muscle that bore the dark blue tattoo of a dragon. With a faint smile, I placed the skin into my mouth, chewed briefly, and swallowed. Tying the back shut, I placed it, the ground cover bag, and the other two into a larger bag. Then heaved it all over my shoulder and marched off towards the shed, to store this toy away with all the others in the rank darkness of my toy box.
Everything is just adding up.. and there really isnt anything i can do about it.. i try so hard not to upset people.. to keep the drama to a minimum.. but try as i might.. it still comes.. somehow it finds me...
I look so hard for the love that was right in front of my face... would one rather live a life without love or a life where all you do is miss it? a year and a half.. not knowing what goes on.. are you hurt? are you ok? are you alive?
graduation day comes... and for some reason.. i dont see his face.. where did he go? i worry about it all day... everything calms down.. my family leaves.. my friends go on.. and one more knock on the door... i look with anticipation.. only to find a man in an army suit.. with a letter to me... telling me that he is gone...the day my life started... his ended... i dont want that to happen... i wouldnt LET myself live... you can count on that... people say how much you mean to them... but how much do they mean to you? a sister...a love... a friend... im scared i will never see you again...
Waiting all day.. for someone to suggest.. to come over... to go over there.. so i can see him... when im not around him.. he is all i think about... all i seem to really care about.. and then he's there... and i feel wanted...i was waiting for him all day...when i got there he was gone.. no one knew where...10 minutes before i had to leave.. a black cat.. then him...embraced by him right away... not a moments hesitation...o
Fuck the damn government... they are taking so many of the people that i care about...
Jeff- How am i gonna be able to laugh without you... no more random dry humpings... or water attacks *smiles* you are so loud and such a goof, it definately wont be the same without you.. for a year and a half... If you die i swear to god i will kill you
Matt- I care about you so much. Somehow i will try to explain it to you.. if i can.. i wont see you for so long.. and the consensis is that i wont ever get to see you again... but nothing can stop me from trying to see you again.. i will see you again.. if you die i swear to god i will kill you
Joshie- I know that i will miss your dorkiness... and who will i have to drive around every other day?! i will have more gas in my car than i know what to do with...if you die i swear to god i will kill you
Hyde- I know that i barely know you.. but you were a funny guy.. you made me laugh and you are really smart. You put up with my sex eyes and even played along. you are a real cool guy... if you die i swear to god i will kill you
i love you all sooo much.. and for every letter i write.. i had better get 4 back!! please write me loves!
for some odd reason.. i feel like everyone is going to hate me today... i should have stayed home...
He has a crush....*crie
He has a crush.... that's not me...
*sobs*
I lost him....
He gave up on me...
said i blamed him....
i supposed i could have done that...
without knowing...
*tear falls*
The one person i thought would never leave....
Left
and didnt come back to me...
Like i thought he would....
someone else...
caught his eye....
and it's not me...
*hides*
i dont know what i want... im not happy... 'you guys look cute together'...'i was pawning you off'... no where in there does anyone say that they just want me to be happy.. cuz if they wanted that... then they would let me be... they would understand.. its too hard... i dont wanna explain... this was really forced... i dont wanna hurt you... i dont wanna get hurt... but we are strangers... put together by friends.... too soon for me... but how do i say it.. i care about you so much... but i suck at life... i suck at being me... im not a good person... nor a good girlfriend... but will he understand? i dont wanna hurt him... i dont wanna be hated... i care so much... and i like him alot.... but i cant be a girlfriend anymore... i suck at it.. i suck at life... maybe if you read this... you will be ok... and understand... i care about you... please dont hate me... please dont be mad... i cant do this anymore.... im not girlfriend material.... can we still be friends?
So many feelings
Stuck in my head
So many secrets
Shoved under my bed
You said that you cared
About what i feel
I dont want to think
My broken heart is real
How can i stop
When my feet cant reach the ground
How can you ask for space
When you're never around
It's hard to break a heart
That was never whole to start with
I wish i could understand
Why you want to do this
to me...to you...to us...
These fucking words
on this fucking paper
cant express the pain
the death of a heart
and the feeling of trust
disappears
and i really dont think
you fucking care
you just let me say goodbye
no stopping me
and no objection
thats not what i expected
adter all those things we've said
and promised
you fucking broke them all!
You dont see my pain
and seem not to care
i hear apology after apology
all sounding the same
a blur
no meaning
so you dont know what you want
well neither do i!
But do you see me going around
breaking hearts?
hurting souls?
and shoving it in your face?!
no, cuz i cared
about you...
It used to be mutual
Fuck it all...
i know you didnt want to hurt me... but how could you not? i thought what we had was just fine... why couldnt we just have that and leave it alone... i dont know how to act.. i dont know what to say... i dont know what to do....dont be destructive you say... hmm...
Hold me
Touch me
Want me
Save me
Protect me
Smile at me
LOOK AT ME
Save me
Love me
Dont lead me on...
IF you feel like reading some not-so-poetry then here ya go... If you really understand and know me and my friends you can place certain people in certain poems... I love you all very much and i will NEVER forget you and who you made me.. thanks for everything guys, you dont know what you've dont for me.. if only you knew...
I Wanna feel a real smile,a real laugh,real happiness,its harder every day,i sit in the corner,watchin
Hands shaking, heart pumping, words buzzing around in my head, how to pick the right ones... I dont know, I hate you... I feel my anger welling up inside me, you thought you knew me, and my feelings inside me, stab my back, break my legs, twist my neck, I wont listen to you , i wont hear your lies, i dont need your help to feel miserable!!!
I love you guys, my farting friends, my laughing frineds, my bawls friends, my driving friends, miles, tears, frowns, turning worlds upside down, the cars, my house, the days in the past, the days i love i knew would never last...
What are you supposed to do what a friend you care about so much, hurts, you dont know exactly why, but you wanna help, you wanna reach down deep and pull out the words that will instantly cure them, that will make them smile, the words are lost to me, so much good advice taken, but so little given back, sometimes.. it hurts...
Stick by me, never leave my side, im comfortable... Dont make me miss you, please dont go home, I'm, finally happy.... Dont smile at me, without a hug, I wanna feel loved....
Watch me, layer after layer, a complicated puzzle with a million pieces, you get to the end, and the last piece doesnt fit, becuase the puzzle changed, again... theres no difference between the first piece and the last, im the puzzle that everyone gives up on, they just quit...
I know so little, about this person, but know so much about my feelings, so little gas in my car, but so much hope in my heart, so little understanding, and so much to understand, I know he cares, i knew he loves, and so do i , but theres so little i can do, and so much i want done...
I put on my face, the one that hides me, hides my fears, my tears, my feelings, the mask that has a smile, stuck on the outside, rosey cheeks, imperfect perfection, but what lies beneath no one has seen, a sight so brutal, so unreal, its unfit for eyes to see, so fake, so forced, so me....