Writing in this last night did make me feel better so i am going to be doing it more often.So monday i started talking to my ex graham again. i had been ignoring him for quite a while which is harsh but i figured that if we kept fighting like we were then it would be very hard for us 2 work together so if i ignored him he couldnt wind me up. his humour is winding ppl up n sum ppl just laugh n take it but it actually really winds me up n gets me angry when any1 does it , i know i shouldnt but i cant help it.i didnt just fall out with him because of that tho.he started saying pretty nasty things about me , saying i was shallow n stuff , which i didnt expect from him n it really hurt me and upset me , add that to the comments about my bf of the time n my favourate band of all time ( ok so they r just a band but their music has gotten me thru such hard times seriously , i couldnt live without them) it all just made me so angry , if i didnt have all the shit goin on my life that i had then i prob would have been able 2 deal with the comments from him but i was pretty depressed at that moment in time and it just made me feel worse.i was havin an awful time at home ( i still am but it got better over xmas now its bad again) and loads of underlyin issues i wont talk about were bringing me down n he didnt know or understand this , thought u was u know all happy n that it wouldnt effect me.Plus that thing i said about the shit i see was really bad at that moment in time n so grahams comments really got to me , i couldnt stand it anymore n i said some really horrible things to him which i regret saying.i realised when ben broke up with me that graham was right about him , also he told me about my ex garaint cheatin on his ex's n thats how i found out bout garaint cheatin on me.i think hes a good guy really but he just doesnt see that some of the things he says can really affect people n he couldnt see that i was down or why i should be.when he makes nasty jokey little comments it hurts me . its the sort of thing that my dad does n i have had it all my life , u would think i am used 2 it but the more my dad does it the more it upsets me n i guess when other people do it , it hurts more , dunno why.i am feeling extremely mixed up with everything right now.i think maybe if i speak 2 graham properly about things and explain things he might treat me differently , i know hes a good guy n when we get along its all good n every 1 has a good time.
Everything is really confusing me and i guess it doesnt help that i am so upset about my granddad. i have been speaking to my friends about it in the week n they have all said dont worry he will pull thru but i spoke 2 my mum 2 day n she told me that he is most definatly not going to pull thru this one.he may get well enuff to go home after a long time but hes not going to live much longer, may die this year.its really upsetting hes such a great guy , i may not be extremely close to him but i'm not close to any1 in my family , i have never fitted in my family , never felt like i belong in it. but i love my granddad , he used to come over every sunday for years n years n years , he would bring bags of sweets n chocolate for us n sit n chat 2 us and my dad.When i saw him in hospital i didnt recognise him at first , he didnt look himself , he was extremely pale had an oxygen mask on n was looking very fraile.he has become as weak as a kitten n finds it way to hard 2 breathe on his own , without the aid of a machine.All the other crap thats happened 2 me couldnt have come at a worse time n all this stuff mixed together is making me soooo damn unhappy and depressed.i know i will feel better eventually it just doesnt feel like i will. but life has to get better at some point right?

I figure that writing in this will help me get over the things that are bothering me.
Ok so i have had a shitty couple of weeks.to start of Ben dumped me just over a week ago.he broke my heart into little pieces, i really really cared (still do) about him.he is the only person that it has felt perfect with. he could always make me feel better .it was like when i was with him or when he kissed me n looked into my eyes i would forget all the crap in my life.he was my lifeline for quite a while.My relationship with my parents has been getting worse and worse over the years n he was always there to help me when i had fights with them or couldnt stand it at home which, lets face it was most of the time.Also i told him about this thing i have , over the past year or so i have been seeing really fucked up twisted things , mainly when its dark n i'm on my own.stuff like decapitated bodies , stuff that really messes with my head , i get panic attacks from then and ben was amazingly supportive and helpful when i got them , he made me feel safe.but now all of that has gone , i want him back so much but this is the second time he has dumped me and i think if i got back with him i would just get dumped again.Not that there is any chance of us getting back together now as we had a fight on sunday.basically over the week he wanted 2 talk 2 me and be friends but thats way 2 hard for me 2 do as right now i'm still like in love with him and he doesnt understand that.plus my friend wingk stupidly told him about sumthing that happened last week.basically becuz i was so down n this guy plank was flirtin with me i wanted sum comfort and ended up kissing him and stuff( he ended up using me n is now ignoring me). Anyway my friend wingk stupidly told ben this happened n ben started callin me a hypercrit n stuff n saying i'm an immature little bitch.this really upset me.Then on tuesday i found out my granddad was in hospital , extremely ill , he nearly died n is still veeeery ill now.hes been talking about his funeral n stuff:(.on monday i found out that my ex garaint cheated on me when i was with him , i asked him about it , he admitted it and laughed n walked off , expected me to be fine with him , after me screamin at him 2 fuck off a few times i think he got the point.we are now ignoring each other , well i'm ignoring him n hes just not making the effort to talk 2 me any more. i cant believe he did that to me , he seemed so sweet and dedicated when we went out.that pissed me off alot.Also today plank was like flirting with this girl who knows i got with him n still like him n that he used me.hes an asshole who flirts with every single girl n trys to get with them all , including my best friend but i cant help but be jealous , unfortionatly i do like him.
i think its prob best for me to be single but i miss being loved u know , i am havin serious cuddle withdrawls lol , just need a good cuddle n kiss.

Hmm so as u can prob tell from all this i'm pretty mixed up right now.plus i am worryin bout failen college.i'm just glad i got my friends laura (blunt) and eddie to help me thru it , they both been amazingly supportive.Right now i think i need to go out n hav sum fun instead of stayin inside n dwelling on things.Anywhoo i should stop writing now , feel bit better for getting stuff off my chest tho lol.