So yesturday my dad picked me up from college , he was very silent in the car, knew something was wrong .we got home and he told me that granddad had passed away that morning!

Writing in this last night did make me feel better so i am going to be doing it more often.So monday i started talking to my ex graham again. i had been ignoring him for quite a while which is harsh but i figured that if we kept fighting like we were then it would be very hard for us 2 work together so if i ignored him he couldnt wind me up. his humour is winding ppl up n sum ppl just laugh n take it but it actually really winds me up n gets me angry when any1 does it , i know i shouldnt but i cant help it.i didnt just fall out with him because of that tho.he started saying pretty nasty things about me , saying i was shallow n stuff , which i didnt expect from him n it really hurt me and upset me , add that to the comments about my bf of the time n my favourate band of all time ( ok so they r just a band but their music has gotten me thru such hard times seriously , i couldnt live without them) it all just made me so angry , if i didnt have all the shit goin on my life that i had then i prob would have been able 2 deal with the comments from him but i was pretty depressed at that moment in time and it just made me feel worse.i was havin an awful time at home ( i still am but it got better over xmas now its bad again) and loads of underlyin issues i wont talk about were bringing me down n he didnt know or understand this , thought u was u know all happy n that it wouldnt effect me.Plus that thing i said about the shit i see was really bad at that moment in time n so grahams comments really got to me , i couldnt stand it anymore n i said some really horrible things to him which i regret saying.i realised when ben broke up with me that graham was right about him , also he told me about my ex garaint cheatin on his ex's n thats how i found out bout garaint cheatin on me.i think hes a good guy really but he just doesnt see that some of the things he says can really affect people n he couldnt see that i was down or why i should be.when he makes nasty jokey little comments it hurts me . its the sort of thing that my dad does n i have had it all my life , u would think i am used 2 it but the more my dad does it the more it upsets me n i guess when other people do it , it hurts more , dunno why.i am feeling extremely mixed up with everything right now.i think maybe if i speak 2 graham properly about things and explain things he might treat me differently , i know hes a good guy n when we get along its all good n every 1 has a good time.
Everything is really confusing me and i guess it doesnt help that i am so upset about my granddad. i have been speaking to my friends about it in the week n they have all said dont worry he will pull thru but i spoke 2 my mum 2 day n she told me that he is most definatly not going to pull thru this one.he may get well enuff to go home after a long time but hes not going to live much longer, may die this year.its really upsetting hes such a great guy , i may not be extremely close to him but i'm not close to any1 in my family , i have never fitted in my family , never felt like i belong in it. but i love my granddad , he used to come over every sunday for years n years n years , he would bring bags of sweets n chocolate for us n sit n chat 2 us and my dad.When i saw him in hospital i didnt recognise him at first , he didnt look himself , he was extremely pale had an oxygen mask on n was looking very fraile.he has become as weak as a kitten n finds it way to hard 2 breathe on his own , without the aid of a machine.All the other crap thats happened 2 me couldnt have come at a worse time n all this stuff mixed together is making me soooo damn unhappy and depressed.i know i will feel better eventually it just doesnt feel like i will. but life has to get better at some point right?

I figure that writing in this will help me get over the things that are bothering me.
Ok so i have had a shitty couple of weeks.to start of Ben dumped me just over a week ago.he broke my heart into little pieces, i really really cared (still do) about him.he is the only person that it has felt perfect with. he could always make me feel better .it was like when i was with him or when he kissed me n looked into my eyes i would forget all the crap in my life.he was my lifeline for quite a while.My relationship with my parents has been getting worse and worse over the years n he was always there to help me when i had fights with them or couldnt stand it at home which, lets face it was most of the time.Also i told him about this thing i have , over the past year or so i have been seeing really fucked up twisted things , mainly when its dark n i'm on my own.stuff like decapitated bodies , stuff that really messes with my head , i get panic attacks from then and ben was amazingly supportive and helpful when i got them , he made me feel safe.but now all of that has gone , i want him back so much but this is the second time he has dumped me and i think if i got back with him i would just get dumped again.Not that there is any chance of us getting back together now as we had a fight on sunday.basically over the week he wanted 2 talk 2 me and be friends but thats way 2 hard for me 2 do as right now i'm still like in love with him and he doesnt understand that.plus my friend wingk stupidly told him about sumthing that happened last week.basically becuz i was so down n this guy plank was flirtin with me i wanted sum comfort and ended up kissing him and stuff( he ended up using me n is now ignoring me). Anyway my friend wingk stupidly told ben this happened n ben started callin me a hypercrit n stuff n saying i'm an immature little bitch.this really upset me.Then on tuesday i found out my granddad was in hospital , extremely ill , he nearly died n is still veeeery ill now.hes been talking about his funeral n stuff:(.on monday i found out that my ex garaint cheated on me when i was with him , i asked him about it , he admitted it and laughed n walked off , expected me to be fine with him , after me screamin at him 2 fuck off a few times i think he got the point.we are now ignoring each other , well i'm ignoring him n hes just not making the effort to talk 2 me any more. i cant believe he did that to me , he seemed so sweet and dedicated when we went out.that pissed me off alot.Also today plank was like flirting with this girl who knows i got with him n still like him n that he used me.hes an asshole who flirts with every single girl n trys to get with them all , including my best friend but i cant help but be jealous , unfortionatly i do like him.
i think its prob best for me to be single but i miss being loved u know , i am havin serious cuddle withdrawls lol , just need a good cuddle n kiss.

Hmm so as u can prob tell from all this i'm pretty mixed up right now.plus i am worryin bout failen college.i'm just glad i got my friends laura (blunt) and eddie to help me thru it , they both been amazingly supportive.Right now i think i need to go out n hav sum fun instead of stayin inside n dwelling on things.Anywhoo i should stop writing now , feel bit better for getting stuff off my chest tho lol.