So, I haven't done this in a while. I seem to do this around the same time of year. For the same reasons...you'd think I'd learn...

I've made some decisions. Decisions that I thought would be fun, exciting, and new. And they were. Until it comes down to the end. It's always coming down to the end.

I know myself. I know what I'm capable of. Why do I make decisions that go directly against what I know about myself? Why do I allow myself to get hurt, burned, and disregarded over and over again? Why do I get attached when that's the one rule that I've made to keep myself sane?

I am an emotional beast. I care. I always have, and I always will, because I think it's a necessity to life. Why do I allow myself to get involved with people who don't? Who pride themselves in their detachment? I never know...

I can't change people. I'm not this miraculous being who can make people love me. Why do I need everyone to love me? Why do I require that?

I knew that this would happen, but I got wrapped up in it all. I knew it would happen. You always control your fate--it's all up to you.

Why am I crying? Because I care. And no one else does. At least not about me.

Why am I always the crazy lady? I'm not that crazy in real life...THAT crazy, anyway... :)

I guess it's cuz I'm more willing to completely abandon myself in a role. And Wifey calls for it, definitely...she's fucking drunk half the time, but she can't be a funny, stereotypical drunk. You have to want to cry for her and slap her all at the same time. I'm working on it...

Sadly, I need to reiterate these things to myself over and over. But, hopefully, I'll get it right soon.

Priorities. It's the only way to get your shit done.

What I need to do: 

Finish school. Get as much under my belt as possible. I have to let myself enjoy the experience. I have problems sometimes getting caught up in getting everything out of the way and not simply enjoying the process. This time only comes once (or twice, if there's grad school to be had :) and I need to allow myself to embrace what I'm doing. There are so many wonderful things to embrace, so many experiences to cherish.

Get established. I've got so many connections right now. If I continue to work as hard as I am and get things done, I'll be in good shape. Even choreographers like me. Amazing. :) I can do this--I just have to work at it. A lot. All the time. :) It will get done.

Depend on myself. I've got so much support. I'm so indescribably blessed for the family, friends, and yes, sometimes sugar daddies that have come into my life. :) I do not take any of these amazing individuals for granted. But no matter what happens, I've got to live with Christina for the rest of my life. I've got to learn to support myself. I have to unconditionally love and support myself as much as the godsends around me do. Sometimes that's hard.

Sometimes that's very hard. You're your biggest critic--it's never good enough sometimes. But I've grown in this three month period more than I have in years. I'm so much more aware of the strength and ingenuity in myself that others have seen and tried to help me see for so long.

A friend told me that my character in Ah, Wilderness, a role I was told I was given because my faculty (during the casting process and throughout the past two years) was aware of the anguish and difficulty that I have gone through and that I was the only person capable of depth that the role demanded, was "the epitome of quiet strength and dignity." That is the greatest compliment I could have ever received. I need to embody that more than ever in the upcoming months.

Priorities. The wisdom to set them. The strength to carry them out. The care and love to appreciate all that comes with them. That's all I can do. That's all that needs to be done.

God help me to do this. Please.

It's amazing how much a month can get you off track.

I completely agree with my last entry. It's not about me or you or any other singular being. It's about finding a way to continue life itself as completely and easily as possible. It's the big picture, folks.

But, people allow themselves to get caught up in the trivialities of life. That's all I've been concerned with for the past couple of weeks--rehearsals, shows, networking, blah-blah-blah.

Maybe the lack of sleep has finally caught up with me and I'm realizing how ridiculous it can all be sometimes. Or maybe I'm finally back on track. Either way, I need a little more soul-searching time. A lot is changing, and my psyche needs time to catch up.

This summer is quite a trip. I'm just figuring things out as they go along.

It's amazing what a little fresh air will do to you. It goes to your head.

Went walkin' on the nature trail with Sam last night. We trekked through pitch black forest trails to a lookout point and saw some of the brightest stars I've seen in a long time. We talked a lot about the infinite frontier, :), which got us into philosophy and personal beliefs of all kinds (we would, just by looking at the stars...we're such nerds :).

The "big picture" is something that very few people really, truly take time to contemplate. How you fit into not only your own miniscule microcosum of life, but how you fit into the scheme of the universe. What can you do to make things easier, better for future generations? We get so caught up in our own selfish thoughts and desire and ways of thinking that we forget how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. The only way for things to improve, for we as human beings to do something truly stirring and worthwhile is to look at the overhead view on occasion.

To get into the mood, I suggest you go out and look at the stars for a while. :) You feel so connected to your fellow man while feeling like an insignificant speck in the world. It's not about you--it's about us. One gigantic, dysfunctional group of living organisms.

I'm rambling at this point. Don't mind me--I'm just a tired stargazer trying to get my rants out in the written word. It helps.

Nervous about auditions.

I really shouldn't be, and I know it. My songs are prepared, if not overly so. I've read all the plays, and I'm pretty decent at cold reads. I prepared to the best of my abilities, and that's pretty damn good.

So, why are my insides eating themselves?

Some nervousness is good--keeps you on your toes, gives an edge to the performance. All fine and dandy. It's just annoying.

I really just want a good part. Any part. I'm guaranteed three roles, but that doesn't mean lead and that doesn't mean good. I'd like A lead--that'd be nice. I'd really like that. :)

I'd better go to sleep before I implode. Considering I didn't have far to go to begin with, I'd better hurry.

Can't sleep. Needed to write.

I'm such a writer. Lol, that seems like a really obvious statement, but truly, I have a writer's mentality. I think of myself as an actress, I love acting and couldn't live without doing it, but when you boil it all down, I've always been a writer at heart.

I was writing before I actually began taking pen to paper. I would talk to anyone and everyone as a kid, just to hear what they had to say, just to understand their perspective. I guess I still do that as an adult... :) I would tell stories in my head, narrate events as they happened. I loved having a big vocabulary and being able to find a new and interesting way to say something. Again, I haven't changed much since I was a kid, I guess...

I can't remember a time that I wasn't keeping a journal. I would never write everyday--only at times like this, when I really needed to. I still keep a small notebook in my purse--to jot down ideas, story scenarios, funny happenings and observations that might inspire me later.

I think my acting and my writing are very closely intertwined. I want to show people their own humanity in the light that I see it. I want to give people appreciation for themselves and the world around them. I can fufill that need through both my crafts.

I'm, thankfully, not acting all the time--what a drain. :) But I will eternally be writing--I don't think I ever stop.

Enough introspective psychobabble for one night. Maybe I'll get a little shut-eye...or stare into the darkness contemplating my next story...whichever...

I'm in the mood for a ridiculously adorable romantic comedy right now...

You've Got Mail, Princess Bride...hmmmm...

So, this really shouldn't be an epiphany--it's more of a reaffirmation. But, for some reason, today I'm quite caught up on the fact that the business of The Biz is basically making work for yourself--be it selling yourself to every producer out there, directing and producing your own work, writing your own stuff (working on that...), whatever. There isn't an easy in--there is no sure-fire Five-Year Plan. You have to do it all for it to even begin to get done.

I am a leaf in the breeze (albeit a fiercely determined leaf who is going to write and direct as many damn plays as she can, make as many writer/director/producer friends as she can, do as many projects as she can, and who refuses to stop until she can make a comfortable living doing something she loves. That was an extremely long parenthetical phrase...). Nothing is certain. Basically, next year, I'm going to audition to every conceivable place of work and higher education, and take the best offer. I'll be headed anywhere from St. Louis to Chicago to NYC to Minneapolis to Cinncinati to D.C. to L.A. to Oxford or Dublin. It's kind of exhilarating, but mostly scary.

I've never regretted my decision to pursue theatre as a career. As Da Vinci said, "For there can be no mind so inept that after devoting itself to one single thing and doing it constantly, it should fail to do it well." I'm going to get by--I'm too stubborn not to. :) But that doesn't mean that the uncertainty doesn't terrify me on occasion.

There's always independant film...

I know we have the phrase "I have no life." However, is it possible to have too much of a life? Case in point: my schedule for today, February 11th, 2007:

Noon: Crew call for Taming. Yes, I'm on the crew as well as in the cast...call me "devoted". Or "determined to get my crew obligations out of the way so I can concentrate on auditioning". Whichever you prefer.

Noon-4: Taming. Yep. It takes that long to destroy a work of Shakespeare... :)

4-5:30: The Bad Seed performance. Supporting my fellow aspiring actor/directors.

5:30-6: SGA Senate meeting. Why did I decide to get involved in college again? Oh, yeah--I may want to go to grad school. Fair enough.

6-7:30: Vagina Monologues. What would YOUR vagina wear?

8-10: Reefer Madness rehearsal. *sing-song* I get to be the Devil, nah nahnah nah nah-nah...

After that, writing a paper on a pattern-based piece of artwork and oh, maybe memorizing my monologue for auditions on Monday.

So, the question is: too much? Or did God fuck up and simply not give me enough hours in a day? You decide...

I just failed my first exam at a college level--go me. :) Damn airplane electrical system...messed me up...

Thankfully, I can do a passable Suzie Q for Jazz, after much work. If you have no idea what that is, be thankful. 'Tis the trippiest little swing dance move I've seen in a while, and I would probably be perfectly content if I had never seen or heard of it for all of my existence.

Luckily, I can wallow in junk food in Adv. Acting today--we're watching Being Julia and snacking like there's no tomorrow.

All in all, a relatively sobering day, but it will pick up, I'm sure--last dress tonight before opening tomorrow. May the Hip-Hop Gods smile upon us, and bring us good stock of cheer as well as grand "drop-it-like-it's hot" blessings.

Oh, and may Shakespeare only do a few backflips in his ever-sinking bog grave. :)

My Art History professor seems to think that none of us can write a paper using the English language. Today's class was supposed to be on how to pair your subjects with the correct verb tense as well as the best way to structure a paragraph.

...

So, here I am in the library studying for pertinent classes. Man, I'm so proud of all I'm learning on this loan money! :)

Wow. So this is what it feels like. I've got the role of a lifetime--in school, of all places--a role that will mean something. I'm representing every rape victim's most deep-seated rage and wish: to get that bastard in a locked room for just 5 minutes.

I am more terrified right now than I have quite possibly been in my whole life.

I can't sit still. My stomach is this pit of nerves and doubts about my ability to do this as well as it deserves and NEEDS. The cast is phenomenal, I'm opposite a good friend of mine who I know will take it where it needs to go and I'm comfortable enough with him to go there as well. The other ladies are geniuses on the stage.

I'm so elated, so honored, so ready to do something this meaningful and important...and I'm about to throw up from the pressure. Self-imposed, maybe, but it's just that important.

I am so fucking honored to be doing this. But this will be the biggest artistic challenge of my life. I think I'm ready. But, I'm gonna need help.

So, my Japanese Sister (my exchange student for our school's exchange program) is gone--they left this morning. :( But, our school's talking about getting a program together to let us visit Tokyo for 2 weeks in the beginning of May after school ends. :-D I'd LOVE to go. I'd get to stay with Eri, meet her family and friends. It'd be such an amazing experience...but it may cost as much as $2000...

*sigh* Why's all the cool stuff in the world gotta be expensive? :)

You ever have a little ephiphany about something that was seemingly so simple, something that you thought you had completely figured out?

That's what acting is all about. All the little ephiphanies. :)

It's a good day.

Sometimes, I'm afraid that I scare people...It's completely unintentional, and it's usually because I care a little too much about other people's feelings, to the point of ignoring my own...

Well, that was enough Freud for one day. At least I didn't talk about sex or my mother. :)

I'm so sick and tired of ignorant, hateful people making gross generalizations about people and activities about which they know NOTHING! I'm going to throttle Samantha, I swear. She's just lucky that I didn't feel like jumping over the table to do it immediately--I was completely prepared to do just that. UGH! Okay, I feel a litte better. :)