OKay, so this year heralds a new outlook, and new energies, half because I realise I can't spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself. So... I am in high spirits and looking forward to the challenges of this year. New Years Eve was the big turning point for me. I hit an increadably low point, that I was completely discusted with myself. So I will no longer allow that moppy person to be depressed and wander around aimelessly and feel sorry for herself. Besides, one man is never that important, and there are many others to meet and keep as friends. Besides, I am practically perfect the way I am.

I find myself second guessing myself and generally not caring. Just emptyness, and frustration. I am mostly frustrated with myself for caring how Kevin and I get along. If we can remain friends, as we would both like. But I see him continueing the behavior that he exibited during our relationship, and so it makes it hard for me to want to be his friend. Especialy since I really don't think he knows how to be a friend. When we talk online, I am always catching him as he goes out somewhere. He has something he has to tell me about, a story, an adventure, and so I expect an email detailing. But I have recieved nothing for three weeks. And yet there is so much he says he wants to tell me. I find it hard to believe him, that he is not false and playing me, and on my sympathies as he did in our relationship as well. So I am angry with him for his behavior. And I am angry with myself for caring, for wanting things to work, for trying when he is clearly not trying. Why should I waste any more energy on him when he doesn't try. I don't know how much of what he says is truthful. And this hurts me. I wish I could just forget him. WHen someone has been a very intamate part of your life for over a year, the dearest thing, your closest friend, how do you forget their existance? How do you dismiss their value and meaning? How do you care when they continue to hurt you? This si why I am mad at myself, because I can not answer these questions, and I can not stop asking them.

So... I am having trouble sleeping. I tried reading, that usually helps. But instead I finished about three books (i read a few at a time) and moved to another continent in my civilizations book (which is really dull). So I'm tired, and hungry. Might have to go and peruse the shelves in a bit. Might just give in and go get Wendy's or something. Seems silly cause there is food here, I just don't want to make it. And I am such a good cook. A little silly I think. I have about two and a half weeks before I go to San Diego to visit family for the holidays. And I am excited. We just had about 6 inches of snow dumped on us, and so it's time to pull out the socks (which I have been avoiding) and beenies (hat hair) and deal. But San Diego, wahoo, 70ish and sunny and the beach. I can pack a light jacket and wear sandal the whole time. Yay, no socks. I lost them all in the move I swear. Oh, and there are mice in the house.

Twenty days til the Solstice. And I have none fo my shopping done. Ah well, I'll get it done eventually. It is cold here, and there has been snow the last few nights. I am spending today making brownies for my sisters dance studio. Something about this place reminds me of Scotland. The neighbors grey horse will still not come and take an apple from me. But he does eat them. Nothing much else to note... I'm still dwellling on unhappy past eventss. And reading too much into other things. Sigh. I am doomed to think on everything for far to long. Oh well, thats part of what makes me me. Otherwise I am nearly perfect. But that is another days thoughts, and I don't like to brag so I'll say Ciao for now.