Sometimes, i just dont understand where he comes from on his ideas of being committed to someone...First he says he loves me, promises me the world...then he goes, and does something that makes me lose a lot of trust in him, he apoligizes, i forgive him, and then hes up here talking to other girls, other girls calling for him...does he think that im that much of a fool??? I mean, he gives me commands like a dog, i cant even look around a room, or be in any of company, cause automattically im a lose slut trying to open my legs to them...Am i that slutty? or just not pretty enough for him to want me anymore...Sometimes i dont know if its a control thing, or a love thing. His signals tell me control, but my heart keeps saying love...

But, do i really sit by and let him play me like that? NO!!!I guess since we're on a break, it shouldn't matter...but it still dont take the pain away...and he lies so much. To tell the truth, and i mean the whole truth, I have been 100% faithfull to him, and sometimes im mad cause i did, cause he's out there doing dirt, but yet i still sit here, faithfull and waiting for the day he grows up and see the good things in front of him...but until then, i guess i have some growing up of my own to do huh?? If this is really what a relationship is about, i dont even know if i want one...And my heart feels heavy, Cause i dont want to see him with someone else, but i guess i should come to the fact that hes gonna do what he wants to do, and that he's gonna be with who he wants to be with...and theres nothing i can do about it. and that upsets me. I love this man to no end, but yet he cant love me enough and respect me enough to stay committed to me...am i really that bad of a person, that he feels he's gotta find someone else?? I mean am i really that horrible?? i dunno...My P.O. is trying or i suppose i should say is going to send me to this half way house thing, mabey it'll be a good thing...hopefully he'll wait, but until then, I suppose just get my money right, get myl ife on track, andif he's stil here, if he still trluy loves me...then, it'll be something really really speacial.

Hello dear diary...

can i talk to you? i dont really have anyone else to talk to...I know that you cant talk back, but mabey itll help sort out my thoughts...you see, i have a problem with trust. i BIG problem with trust... and everytime i think i can trust someone, they take it either to the extreme, or to their advantage...and they lie, makeing me feel as if i cant trust them. I love the father of my child so much. God knows how much i love him, but im scared to trust him anymore... We have been together for a year and two months. aNd were having some relationship problems...We both are having a really hard time trusting eachother, and it is starting to tare our relationship apart, and we decided to take breather. and its so hard. Its not me place anymore to ask were hes going or who hes takling to...and everytime he touches me,and everytime i see his face, i feel so alone... I mean i know i have my son, and i have stepfon...but have you ever heard the saying..."the worst way tomiss someone, is when there right in front of you?"...Thats how i be missing him. He used to so differant than he is now...Sometimes i be feeling like he's not in love with me anymore. I have gained some weight after i had akia, and im not as skinny as i used to be. I see him looking online, and i know i crazy...But i love him so much. Its hard not be able to call him mine...So many time within the last cuple of days, i wanted to reach out to him, fall in his arms and cry...to lay against his chest and hear his heart beat, see if its the same heart beat that he used to carry...It just bring tears to my eyes...I just wish that everything would go back to normall. When we loved eachother so much that it didnt matter what anyone said...WE knew we were in love...and that was all that mattered. Sometimes i see my future in his eyes, but i think sometimes he delibratly pushes me away as i do him for fear of getting hurt again...I have trusted so many and still endded up hurt...And i know that weve both hurt eachother, I just pray that god send us the strength to make it through this...Akia is getting older and I dont want him in the same environment either one of us grew up in. I want him to grow up knowing God, and be able to be open with his feelings, and know that no matter what, we will always be there for him...
Wierd stuff has been happening lately, and it has me feeling as if the devil is lurking around the corner...Telling me he is here, trying to pull me down...well im on my knees,so god, i send this prayer to you...thank you for sending me these blessings that you have blessed me with...Thankyou for my son and the man that i love the most Stepfon...They are the only reason besides yourself that makes life worth living. Plese give us the strength and the guidance that we need to make it through...I never want to lose either one of them...They are all i have left...So ima try and leave this in your hands lord. Bless our faimly and loved ones...watch over them please dear lord...and send the light our way...cause the darkness is overwhelming me....

I HATE FAMILY COUNSLERS!! ESPECIALLY MINE!! SHE ALWAYS TRIES TO MAKE THINGS INTO SOMETHING OR NOT, AND SHE TRIES TO PICK AT MY BRAIN!!! I HATE HER!!

But, on a better note, im feeling kinda good at the moment...soooooo
YEPPIE!! i dont have to work tonight, so thats good....but, not much else to say...gonna go...ttyl

HELLO EVERYONE!!!

this weekend was quite ok. joey and i have made up, or at least it seems so. i had a lot of fun at work, even though ruth ann was managing...;)

ummmm...i had saturday detension. i was super boaring, but mrs. becky cheered me up with a cappicino....soo..all in all it was ok.

I went with my mother and finally got the chinese food that i've been craving.so....YEPPIE!!!

Beth is feeling better at the moment. says ****'s stiches look pretty bad...but, he'll get better. i just wish he'd open up his damn eyes and see how awsome she is and be her boyfriend.!!!-sigh- guys are just wierd...lol

we'll, im in a good mood, and im in school. sooooooooo, i suppose i shall let you go back to your lives. im sure they're a lot more exciting than mine.ttyl!!

love you all!!
hugs and kisses,
cassandra
P.S.:ONLY 6 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS!!!!

sigh, why are guys so complicated????!!!!

i keep hearing that joey is cheating on me...ok, ok. i dont keep hearing, but i heard it today. I confronted him about it, and he said it wasn't true, and i guess i should believe him, but its frustrating. i just want a guy that will love me for me, and that will be there for me, and that i can be there for them. someone my age. someone to have fun with, and be able to trust. i had thought i had found this in joey, but im not sure to tell you the truth anymore.......

sigh.....i dunno. AND THEN i got detension today! for tardies that were excused!! goodness life kinda, no REALLY REALLY REALLY sucks right now....

im at the end of the rope, and im about to make the fall......................

sigh, i cant WAIT for christmas!!! im so excited. im gettin XXX rated!!!! lol, just playin'.

N-E-whoo.....ya, Joey and I are working things out, and i think we're back to our better part of the relationship. i really like him, but he can just be so immature...lol oh well, life goes on. hes still a sweetie, or at least to me.;)

i wish it would snow. We're having a christmas party tonight at work, and im excited, Beth, Laticia, & My mom are all coming too!!! im so excited!!! and i been singin christmas tunes all mornin'lol. *blush* even though i cant sing very well. Beth can verify for that one. so can Jess....hehe

School is going ok...i have one F, but the rest are B's and A's. but all is well in love and War. but in my case Work, school and home. hehe. me so horney.....hehe

ttyl Love YALL!!!

          The Blue Eyed Angel
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    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I walk blind folded through the night as it rains. Her calm simered voice slowly repeating her words in a soft wisper that keeps me walking in a straight path. The words slowly echo through my mind. I drop to my knees with pain and fear in my eyes and I wonder what i did to deserve this blue eyed creature that i hold so close to me.......

As i fear that some one as beautiful as her would find someone down the road more loving, kind, and inteligent. As im headed down an over the once green, yellow, and orange leaves, i look down and find the leves are not these colors any longer....they are red as the fear in my eyes once were....

I feel that i'm the one to look up to her with the pain in her eyes ever so closely..draws the retreated curage that i now call my sole....

She lifts me to my feet oce more. Those soft words still echo through my mind as he slowly sends another transparent set of words through my mind. She leaves me hanging there with these words" Ilove you and I will never leave you. Your...." Still i search for her . I am straing to find the rest of the sentence as she swalks away.

The pieces of me are still scadered out. While i try to collect them, she watches me from her complex window. I get on my feet, walk towards her as i see her glance at me every once and a while. I make it to the first door. I call the clerk. I slowly approach him with fear in my eyes as he asks me what i need.

I slowly describe her to him. Her march stone eye color, her one of a kind smile that would win a emmy at the MSS contest (most sexy smile contest), her beautiful light complection, her heart that men would die to be treated.

"Her heart is set on one man" he told me. Try if you wish. I felt my heart drop as i started to walk to her room. I knock on the door three times. She knows i'm there. I feal the pain rise back to my eyes. My head drops. I start to walk away. She opens the door and calls myname with a sweer charm to her voice. 

I walk over to her. She tells me once agian, " I Love you and I will never leave you. Your a big part of me." I feel my heart crumble. Not of anger, not of pain, but of joy that this girl is ment for me. 

A tear drop runs down my face. She wipes it away, then presses her lips to mine. I push her away and ask her, "What is your name, and how do you know me?" She tells me she is an angel. She once again presses her lips to mine. I dont push away, but i accept it. This time she tells me.... 

          ...............................My name is Cassandra.......................

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This story was writin by my honey Bunch Joey Kittle!!!!!


love always and forever,

Angeltears17~~~a.k.a.~Cassie, your baby girl

when i take a look into your deep eyes
i find secret untold
i see the hurt and pain
the hurt that can never be healed
the pain beyond imagination
i am longing to provide help and comfort to your burdened soul
my heart wants to bring light
into your world full of darkness
to bring joy and happiness
into your world filled with darkness and despair
seeing and almost feeling your hopelessness
my heart sinks
it's too overwhelming
what a burden for you to bear
yet you bottle it up inside beneath your smile
you hide it in your eyes
and in your eyes the truth lies
your life, feelings and secrets has been unveiled
it has been flashed before MY eyes
No point hiding
I have already seen inside
YOUR DEEP EYES


...........just a little poem....your eyes really are the window to your soul.....

You're fading away...

By: Dri Cook

I never thought
it could happen,
finally you're
fading away...
little by little you vanish
from my memory,
I can tell you're
going out of sight,
so many days
wrapped in tears,
you really never got
to understand the
unchanging truth that home
is a place where we find
direction,
you deserted before we won,
'Love me in full',
I asked...
but you never
looked back,
you left without a word,
not even a glance...
now I smile
leaving the fears behind,
there are days my face still
trembles with tears,
but I'm getting ready
to love again...
a fond desire
to start over...
you're fading away,
losing your strenght
in my heart,
you're not a bright spot anymore,
now you're just
a shadow,
a dim shape of
a strange type of love

i have this friend. i really like her. so far, shes been there when i needed her. she's never critized me like most people do. very little do you ever meet a friend like this. mabey once or twice in a life time.... Never has she put me down, or used me to her advantage, but she's happy for me in whatever decisions that i make... she doesnt say "dump your troubles on the lord", or crap like that, she gives the best advise that she can. She's a true friend....

just know im here for you too. if you need anything, my shoulder is here for you to cry on, and my ears are here to listen. if you need anything, just call me, and ill be there.

                   thanxz....you know who you are.

                             ; )

having a pretty good day so far. Last night, we got a new foster child in the home. Shes a few years older than me, and she's only here for a little while. She's 21. Well, were supposed to take turns doing the dishes, and she did them before i had a chance to get to them, and i got bitched out for it. she JUST moved in, and all ready she's causin me shit!! I gotta work tonight, so that should help. I saw Joey today. that always makes me happy. Im falling so hard for him so fast, its crazy. I dont know, im jsut kinda scared i might get hurt again. i dont think that i would be able to take that kind of pain again. i dunno. Im looking forward to tomarrow. Jess said the most funniest thing today. he was joking around, and he was like "Gargle my balls" lol. it was so halarious. I dunno, im just in a better mood today. Joey gave me this rock thing today. he so sweet. i give a speech soon on cutting. mabey it'll help me realize it's not the way to heal myself, but i dunno. It hasn't yet. n-e-ways.
I wish joey was here. i miss him. two more hours till i get ot go to work. YEAH!!! not....lol. i very hungry. havent eatin yet today. but i refuse to eat infront of people. ill eat when i get to work. im still at the shy stage with Joey. i dont want him to think im anymore of a pig. im fat. -sigh- ttyl

Last night was so fucking awsome!!! I had a lot of fun at work. It was really slow, and we were all just listening to music, and dancing and stuff. AND I LEARNED TO MOON WALK!!! lol. im really hungry though. havent eatin anything yet. i guess i could say that i was bulemic(sp). I wont eat in front of people. i feel like a pig. I mean i know im not fat, but i dont wanna get any bigger than i already am. Then I eat when i get home. So, i dont really eat much. I torched Joey today! lol. We were infront of the ag building today, and i gave him blue balls. i kept kissing him. lol. its funny. LAUGH!!! hehehe. But, ya. I was kinda feeling down yesterday after lunch, but then i felt a LOT better. i had so much fun last night. I hope today is just as fun.