I read through this in the first time in a long long time. A look back at my Fourteen, Fifteen, and Sixteen year old self. So much has changed or so it seems. But why did i get on here tonight? from looking at my old diary, for the same reason i always did. Maybe to remember what i know i should forget. It's been so long, too long. years and years. but your still stuck in my mind, im my dreams. Forever it seems. Its not the same as it was way back then. i dont cry myself to sleep every night anymore. Havent in a few years. It doesnt hurt anymore either. But i still think of you every single day. Every single day of my life for the past seven years ive thought of you in some way. at times ive almost convinced myself that im totally over it, competly forgotten it. But no, never. your always in my thoughts and my dreams. I cant seem to stop it. I dont know why. Ive have moved on. so why do i stil think of you everyday? why are you the one in my dreams? Why? I dont know. And im too scared to ever tell you any of this. I know its much much too late. Oh...well. i think thats enough of that. way too much really.

indi_heat @ truebeginnings.com.

i am made of mistakes
composed of double takes

i spend my future in the past
wishing for things that did not last

looking for deams long gone
and thinking of all the things done wrong

and emptiness inside of me that will not go
i wonder how i could sink this low

i think of how it got this far
wonder how i could take any more,

any more of this pain,
will surely drive me insane

what they say is not true. not true at all. it seems time doesnt heal all wounds. the days turned into months. and they will soon turn into years. the pain is less intense, but the wounds are still there, still raw and still bleeding. i knew this would be hard, painful and yet still i had no idea, no idea how much it would hurt and for so long. i dont think i'll ever forget or ever move on completly. time heals nothing. it makes it even worse that i know this pain is self inflicted and there is no way to change it now. its too late. i think i would give close to anything to have back what i lost. to have what i want most. for something that would fill this hole inside of me. i've tried for months and finally realized that nothing can make up for what i lost. for what i made myself lose. if i could go back i would change a million things. knowing that it would be like this now, i would do everything i could to change what happened to chnage the choices i made. i hurt everyone, but i destroyed myself.

If only i could forget about you
would that save me from myself?
or would erasing, erase me too?
would i dissapear as completly as you once did?

would the pain still linger
even though the source was gone
then again the source will never leave
until i, myself, have faded away

so many days, so many years, just too much pain
i think i may never heal
the memories may never fade
just as i will never forget

because to forget, to let go
to no longer remeber the sadness or happiness
would be to lose you so completly
it would to lose a part of myself too

and after so long, so many hard times
theres not that much of me left to lose
and to lose that last and final part
would simply be to much. i would be gone.

"oh, how i miss you so"
these thoughts wont leave my mind
not even for a second
these memmories wont allow me to forget...
yet i am not allowed to remeber
the past is forsaken to me
it is forbidden territory
that life is no longer mine
that love is no longer mine
oh, such a mistake i made
theres no way to go back
all is done and said
now...now it is too late
why didnt i know?
why couldnt i see?
how...how could i have done this?
to myself and to you?
the past is the past though
theres no going back
no matter how i wish
the memmories are just that, memmories
all that will ever be
in a future once dreamed of that will never come.
its too late, your already gone.

New Poem!!


Used and forgotten, thrown to the side
Vulnerable and exposed, striped of pride
Betrayed by all she did confide
To run or hide? She must decide

Quiet with terror, silent with pain
Frozen and lifeless, tied with intangible chains
Forged happiness and phony smiles, all in vain
Disguising depression, playing pretend, all to appear sane

Keeping our earliest secrets, concealing your cruel lies
Crossing out and covering up, removing all that does not apply
Begging them not to believe, the truth only she can deny
Laughing over all that damage, invisibly searching for a reason to defy

Desperate eyes, cleanly hidden and left behind
Honesty buried for only the dead to find
Mechanically programmed, no need for a mind
Completely controlled, an object showing no human signs

Nothing more than property, to be treated as such
Constantly being examined, a heart that you wont touch
Seemingly replaceable and not worth much
Stopping just short of sold was always the hunch

Forever lonely but never alone
Looking free but truly owned
They who can not see will never know
Their skeleton in the closet must never be shown
-Nichole.

“Go down in flames, hold it all inside, perish, just let it hide.
Kill yourself internally, do what ever it takes, just don’t let it die.”
-Nichole

 There normally is this long boring in-depth description of me. much too complicated so for a little while I’m changing it to something short and simple.  

I’m female. I wont tell you my age. you can make a guess from my pictures.

I’m kind of shy until i get to know people, so I don’t have a whole lot to talk about at first. but still, I’m friendly. i like talking to most people as long as they aren't cussing me out for what i believe in or just being mean in general.

I listen to a little bit of most music. Mainly rap, hip hop, R&B and rock. I have a kind of obsession about piercings.

The main things I’m against are racism and sexism. I’m also for gay rights and gay marriage.

Talk to me if you wish. I love talking to new people. I’ll be nice as long as you are.

There is so much more about me, but I won’t bore you anymore. Please ask me if you want to know anything more.
      

Age

If you notice, on this entire page, it says nothing about my age. This is because some people seem to judge (unfairly and wrongly) other people because of their age. I dont want people to make any assumptions based on my age. But if you really want to know my age, you can ask me nad i wil probably tell you, or you could just make an educated guess, based on my picture.


      Physical Appearance        
 
im short, only 5'2. most things you can see from my pics. i also have an interresting scar right in the middle of my forehead, its shaped like a cresent moon....my favorite scar.



    WHAT I DO IN MY SPARE TIME

  i dont (meaning cant) draw so you want see any drawings up, but i do write poetry so maybe i'll put that up. when i do i would apperciate some constructive criticism, but please dont be mean.

i like to write about alot of diffrent things. yes, alot of my poems are sad, but that does not mean i am just another depressed, suicidal person, im not. i write about things i have once went through, things other people have gone through, things i am feeling at the time or just things write out of my imagination. so dont assume that because i write sad poetry, im sad.


         
          MY DISLIKES
                           
   i have a great dislike of racist and prejudice people. i believe all people are equal no matter what their skin color, sexual or racial preference , religion or beliefs are. i believe that all people have the potential to be equal, but if they are a racist or something of that nature, they loose their right to be considered as equal. 
i hope that makes sense.

this is to all the people who want to criticize me for listening to rap music or to Good Charlotte, i will listen to whatever type of music i like. i dont care if you dont like it, you dont have to listen to it. i am a hard core rap fan. i dont want to hear what you have to say about my music. so please, keep your opinions to yourself
i will disuss almost anything with close to anyone as long as they are willing to hear my thoughts too. i dont want to talk with someone who can only cuss, yell and scream at me. i like to have actual conversations, two-sided talks.
  this is a list of petty things that really get on my nerves:
* long question lists (i refuse read them)
*people who cannot say two words with out cussing.
*people who fake depression
*pople whos whole house is made up of long lists (yes, like this list)
*know it alls
* guys who think they should rule over women (stuid ******s)
*racists (as said before)
* people who write in toggle case
*and many more but since i have said that i dont like long lists i will now stop.


 

           MY LIKES

  i like people who are unique and are never afraid to be themselves. i cant stand people who pretend to be something they are not just so they will fit in or be popular. anyone can act like they are someone there not but they are worse than just liars because they are deceiving even themselves.
i like piercings, its not so much about liking pain or the results of the piercing but the seconds befor the needle goes through your skin and knowing what it feels like when it will go through. some people say piercing are just another form of self-mutilation, i dont agree, but i can see where they are coming from. why cause your self more pain? i dont know.

im an animal lover. all animals. i cant stand animal abusers, they are just mindless cowards who take plesure out of hurting a living thing that can not defend its self. it is evil to abuse helpless cretures. its stupid and not something that should be taken lightly or over-looked, as it mostly is.

i also like biting. being bitten, biting people. no im not a vampire. i cant stand blood. i just like light biting. weird, i know.



        
        OTHER INFO

  i have a bad temper when provoked. i most of the time know when to shut my mouth but are just to stupid to shut up for my own good. i speak my mind all of the time and thats not always a good thing. im a strong believer that no one has to agree with my opions but everyone is most likely going to hear them. unless they make it a point to tell me that they dont want to hear what i have to say....if thats the case i will respect people enough to keep my words to myself.
i hope that i am a very open-minded person....i try to be.

im a really shy person around people i dont know well. i barely talk. its not because i dont want to. or because im not friendly. its more like i dont know what to say. i freez up when im face to face with people i dont know. around my close friends i talk all the time. but if i dont know you well and i dont talk much, im not trying to be rude, and its not that i dont want to talk to you. chances are i'd love to get to know you. so please, dont be offened if i dont have alot to say at first. keep talking to me. ill say more.




      MESSAGES & GUESTBOOK

  i will respond to everyone, anyone is welcome to message me for any reason. most people think i am an easy person to talk to. so feel free to message me. 
  i dont mind messages like hey or hi, i really dont, but m not good at keeping up conversations. so if you want to talk to me thats great, i would love to talk to you. but help me out a little bit, give me something to talk about. like... do you agree or disagree with anything i have to say? then tell me abut it. just send me a message. i mean if you want to talk to me, theres a reason why, right? then tell me about it.    
  these are the only "rules" for messaging me:
    i do not want anyone to message me with chain letters or about how big my boobs are, they are very annoying, rude and pointless! if you do, i wil respond but it wont be very nice.
    
   please sign my guest book!! just say something short and simple, just a "hi" will do, or if you like anything you saw here, say so. so please sign my guestbook,
thanks.


NOTE: if i visit your house alot, i am not a stalker! i visit dome many people's houses that i forget the names.

She cried a tear last night
Not from fear, not from fright
As her soul grew dim, her eyes grew bright
A memory flicker to her mind, a wrongly forgotten sight

A truthful scream held away,
Hidden beneath what she could say
Fought back for a price she couldn’t pay

A tear and a scream is all she remembered
It was what she had always feared
The pain she caught, burnt and seared
And one last time, into those cold eyes, she peered

The pain wasn’t what broke her down
It was that she knew she couldn’t stay around
That voice was a defying sound
She couldn’t bare the truth she’d found