The mountains, dear god, the mountains.

Eric and I were walking home from our class at Birds and Bees last night. The dark was piercing. We were a mile away from Missoula, two miles from East Missoula. Total darkness, stars brighter than sin. On our right, Mount Jumbo. On our left, Mount University and Mount Sentinel. A valley of static air, just the two of us walking, hand in hand. Innocent. Calm. Understanding.

"I can't need you any more than this. Did you know? Love, I could spend a lifetime in your world."

The only light was the sparks fleeing the end of my spent, old cigarette. He asked for an orange, his eyes so hopeful. The eyes of a child. We sat with the homeless man's puppy and ate our tangerine together, fingers numb from Montana's November.

He laid in my arms that night, head upon my chest. Clutching onto me the way you hold a lover when you feel like you'd die if they went away.

("I can't save you," I tell his sleeping ear. He nuzzles his face deeper into my neck. I feel his smile against my skin.) 

AAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHA. A Xanga post from two years ago...this cracks me up like you wouldn't believe.

"This morning I awoke at about 7:37. I got up and realized that I'd slept in my clothes from the Cherry Festival. So then I sat around, waiting for 9:55 when I could leave for church. I ate some minestrone soup, but decided I didn't like it and consequently disposed of it in the trash receptacle. I watched some National Geographic about black mambas (my favorite snake!) and lounged about. Erin showed up at about 9:59 and we headed off to the ROCK. Upon arrival, I saw Derek being beaten by a poolstick by Scotty Musselman. It was frightening. Then Brother Rodney talked for a REALLLLLY long time about the mission trip. Then I played ping pong with Erin and Derek, whilst vogue-ing.

"Afternoon began with a ride over to Nikki's house to pick her up. Then we headed out to Lincoln to meet my fahja. We listened to Tracy Chapman and Steve Miller Band with my mom and sang. Then we met my dad and I saw a cute guy from the Geek Squad walking his dog. Next we listened to the Fame soundtrack and talked about gang violence. Immediately after was Hedwig and the Angry Inch soundtrack, and a discussion about illegal CD burning.

"Upon arrival at Chez Thomas, we watched Freddy Vs. Jason and played Chutes and Ladders. I lost. By a lot. Then we had a schmorgasbourd (obviously misspelled) of pretzels, crackers, peanut butter, and grapes. Then we went outside. It was nice. Now we are writing an obscenely long Xanga. The end." 

Why am I still so insecure about myself? People go out and do fun things on the weekend without me, and it's the end of the world. For whatever reason, not being invited along means I'm not a valid human being.

But I am a valid human being. I need to learn not to rely on other people to make me happy.

I've got to learn to love/accept myself and what I look like. It's not enough for other people to tell me good things about myself. I've got to believe them, and I'm not sure that I do yet. 

It's officially time for my life to begin, time for my story to start. Visiting U of M and seeing Missoula in person after 3 years of dreaming about it was amazing. The atmosphere is more than I ever could've hoped for. Bicyclists everywhere, no pollution, a massive health food store, environmental awareness at every turn. The list could go on for days. My heart belongs there. I'm pretty sure my soul will be chilling there for a year while my body finishes high school. Illinois has nothing for me, really. The only priceless thing here is my friends.

Glacier National Park was life-changing beyond all belief. Looking out at something so much larger than myself. I could lose myself in those valleys and mountains for days, just revisiting them in my mind. I have seen a place more beautiful than anything in the movies. A place more spiritual and fulfilling than I though existed.

I met people I'll remember forever. Matt, our gorgeous (inside and out) rafting guide. He was the most interesting man I've ever met. He had grizzly bear encounter stories, immense knowledge of the land and trees, and a love of his girlfriend that was completely touching. At Admissions, I encounted a boy from Missouri in a leather jacket, skinny jeans, Chucks, and a British flag t-shirt. He wants to major in geology. Go figure. At first glance he was intimidating. He laughed more freely than any of us.

So anyway...upon returning to my house I realized that my world in Illinois is very small. And there are no mountains in the horizon. I need mountains.

I am not a piece of cake.

Nope, I'm not easy to understand or be around at times.

I'm not egotistical. I talk myself up, but it's just to hide how much I hate myself sometimes.

I'm not mean. You're just sensitive. No, REALLY.

I am fragile. I missed ONE FUCKING PILL yesterday, and I was crying like a baby for hours. I can't control my own brain. How's that for weakness?

I don't think I've got issues. I know I don't have issues. I'm a product of a rediculous society and a rediculously slutty father who can make babies but can't love them properly. Those are not my issues to correct. They're my issues to deal with.

How's that for a personality profile? Deal with it.

If the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me, too.

I'm really sorry if I've been distant lately, and this goes out especially to all of my school friends. Things at home have been shitty, and I know you guys are probably sick of hearing about it already. I promise to try and be happier...but please just stick with me, okay? I love you all, and I don't want our friendships to fade away over my idiocy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm REALLY REALLY insomniacal (real word, methinks not).

Okay, so here's my narrative poem for English. I hope you enjoy!

Walking home from school one day
I met a dog named Bill
He led me into a murky fog
And said, "Follow me if you will"
I said, "Sure Bill, that's fine indeed.
I'm not too busy now.
But lead me astray,
And I'll bite your tail."
He led me on, anyhow

We came upon a ferret
By the name of Jacques Costeau
He was a nervous fellow
His eyes and teeth were green
But his tail was rather yellow

He joined us in our quest
We made quite the awkward trio
Bill said we should hop on a plane
So we headed down to Rio

In Rio we found paradise
The beaches were just fine
But the company of Jacques and Bill
Did the sun outshine

We lived out our days in happiness
And with a carefree spirit
Our days were spent sunbathing
Me, Bill, and Jacques the ferret
My skin got brown from the sun
And their fur turned darker still
But then skin cancer took its toll
Us skin cancer did kill

Haha...haven't posted here since last November. Now I just use my xanga...wow, this was pointless

I'm seriously considering staying up all night to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Except I might skip Two Towers. Never was a big fanatic over that one. It's even worse now that I realize how sucky of an actor Orlando Bloom really is. Just watching him stand there and look attractive whilst saying nothing of any merit really cheapens both Legolas (who remains the coolest character of the books) and the films themselves.

I was just listening to some old "punk stuff" (ha, yeah right!) that my sister had on a mix CD. It was utterly terrible, but sinfully catchy! I now have a song from New Found Glory (blech...pop-punk!) stuck in my head called Dressed to Kill. It's SOOOOO lame. Lame LAme LAMe LAME!!! Did I mention that it was lame?

Oh wow, I've neglected this poor diary so intensely, haven't I? Well, anyway, I really just didn't feel like going to school today. So, I didn't. I had a headache which has been plaguing me for three days straight and I was just really depressed. Go figure. I don't know why, seeing as things are going pretty well. Oh well, I just need a weekend of decadent sleeping! I'm not moving from my bedroom (except to use the computer) if I can help it!

I've only got twenty-some odd days to get my Riff Raff costume for Rocky Horror and all I've got are the pants!!! Yipes!

I love organic fruit juice. It tastes like drinking in the energy of the sun!!

I wanna fall in love tonight...

Here's just something I wrote whilst being very bored in Health class. WARNING: EXTREME RANT!!!

All around me is the same thing. Hallways of false rebellion and hair dye and anorexia. Don't these kids realize how lucky they are? So what that Daddy or Mother doesn't pay enough attention to you? At least you're not dying of AIDS and starvation in an African desert. I bet that none of them have ever gone without food because their parents couldn't afford it. I know I haven't. I've always had food on my table and love in my home. It's a safe bet that 90% of them have, too. Don't they feel anything? Don't they have any compassion at all? I can't imagine that they do.

Go ahead, then. Clog your arteries with slaughtered, rotting flesh. Be my guest. Swallow at your own risk. Jack up your mind with sugar and stimulants. Convince yourself that it's normal because you're a teenager. Give me a break. Since when was eating another living creature considered normal? Oh well, you're invincible as long as you play sports.

I really want to go take a shower and wash away the troubles of this day. I'm feeling rather distressed over the amount of homework I have in American Political Science. Honestly, the class I care the LEAST about is the one I must do the most work for. Why even study American culture? I plan to leave America as soon as college is through anyway (I'm not running from America's problems, I just don't really like the scenery).

OH my gosh, the Ramones suck so badly! I mean, honestly, they sing about stupid trivial stuff. What kind of punk music is that? In my humble opinion, punk music should have a message. Now the Sex Pistols...there's true punk for ya. They do have some stupid fun songs too, but they've also got the whole anarchy thing going on. I don't buy into the anarchy bullspit, but if that's what they believe...rock on to them!

ANIMAL CRUELTY SUCKS!!!!

ooooh! i made a delicious fruit salad type deal today. it had apples, bananas, strawberries, blueberries, green grapes, and purple grapes. SOOOO good. i ate that while my dad ate a double cheeseburger from my uncle's butchery. he was like "you know, i think my meal's a bit healthier". silly little man. guess what...he's quitting tobacco! yay for him!! (although now he's a total spazoid that can't sit still)