[MissiMaLy]'s diary

896067  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2006-09-12
Written: (6290 days ago)

Dayz of My Life~

Not everything is physical,
though to parents it might seem, that what we call love they call lust, or something else obscene.
I don't just care about your lips, or how they feel on mine,
I care about your heart your soul, what you say to each and every line.
When your heart is hurt,
your wrists they bleed,
eyes alert, to your every want or need.
I know you feel like theres a mask,
you have to wear,
how could I ever ask for you to take off that extra layer?
There is nothing I'd take back,
no regrets to bare,
theres everything I love,
the hate, theres nothing there.
So smile for me just one last time, before you go away, I'm looking for it around every corner,
all the dayz of my life.
~A.M.

842145  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2006-08-21
Written: (6429 days ago)

Happy
Alone
sweet intoxication
finding the roots
tick, tock, tick
close my eyes
rhymings like a rhythm,
a sweet surprise
scribble, cross-out
scribble, scribble
across the paper
right now I am the maker
of whatever poetry
flows through my hand
my fingers,
lingers,
like the aftertaste
of a kiss
the stayed presence
of the weakest incense
in a room dark
but never cold,
or so I'm told.
Candles flicker
mmm sweet vanilla
battles, combines
the words on the lines,
fade with the times,
but for me, now so new.
Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself,
and what your looking for,
Find my roots,
something I've never tried before,
never thought was missing,
till he showed me who I was
discovered
recovered
beautiful innocense I never knew I possessed,
confessed,
all the rest,
just fades away
because now I've realized
no longer can be disguised,
for I am happy.
~A.M.

839559  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-08-16
Written: (6434 days ago)

True
I strain myself to hear,
the hushed whispers, once so clear.
My throat, my lungs,
they burn
but my lips remain silent, betraying me.
I feel so intoxicated,
with the feelings boiling,
overflowing,
i am disconnected
from the shattered world of home.
Stay here forever,
my heart it pleads,
let the sound of my heart-beat take the lead.

He touches me
breathing flutters, skin shivers
He holds me
heart quivers

But I love it,
my heart reminds me
I cannot escape, cannot flee,
from the love beside, and inside,
of me.
He speaks the words so gently, like a whisper,
in my ear,
on the phone reciever.
I recite the words to his end,
no doubts with which to contend.
"I love you,"
"I love you, too,"
Words so true
~A.M.

839280  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-08-09
Written: (6435 days ago)

My Muse
Sweet love
where do you hide
in the daylight hours, look for you, I have tried.
Is it the fresh, morning air?
The bright sun that can't help but glare?
How I do love
these, God's creatures.
But it is nothing like the love *he* gives me.

The kind of love,
that never makes me feel too small,
that when I am lost,
I can be found.

This love
it overwhelms me
in the most delicious of wayz.
it's in his arms
he holds me
making me believe in better dayz.

He saves me
from myself
when I cannot ask for help
He loves me
without question
no sign or hint
of hesitation.

I envy his courage, and all of his strength
his way with words, almost like he is my muse,
as I'm writing the cords,
to play him a masterpiece,
which I hope one day he gets to read
and know just how much he's meant to me
with me, he'll alwayz be, my heart
eternally
~A.M.

839279  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2006-07-23
Written: (6435 days ago)

Smilez
Smile for me
Smile
Rainbows fade and secrets die,
your love, and mine,
everyday, all the time.
Memories of you
make me smile
Smile
The one thing that won't disappear,
so sweet, so sincere.
So simple it is.
for me to smile at the thought of you
Smile
yeah, just smile for me,
and I'll smile for you.
~A.M.

839277  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-07-19
Written: (6435 days ago)

Believe
He inspires me in the day to day, the one who inspires thoughts like
"Lets change the world in some way".
He clues in my conscious when I know I've done any wrongs, the one responcible for the birds and all of their songs.
It's Him that makes my dayz beautiful, He gives me peace, and challenges my strength
when the toughs already hard.
He mends my broken heart in the midst of any tradgedy, sends me angels in the forms of friends.
He knows what to do in any and all situations.
And all he asks of you is to believe.
~A.M.

839276  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2006-07-15
Written: (6435 days ago)

Bleeding Hearts
Bleeding and I can't make it stop,
not this bleeding heart.
My fault
My fault
shouts the voice inside my head.
I don't want to be alive,
I'd rather be dead.
They called me a liar, and for you babe I would be.
But I wish I didn't have to be.
I should have tried harder,
to make sure you wouldn't come.
I'm a fool.
But no, instead I was the guiding tool,
exactly what I tried not to be.
This bleeding heart aches,
with every breath that I take
and the silence is so cold.
I can't take this silence.
There's no sound from your end...
I hope this isn't the end..
just end this bleeding heart,
and guilty conscious.
~A.M.

839275  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2006-07-08
Written: (6435 days ago)

Stay
The love you give,
it's so much more than I deserve.
Our broken people, these torn up feelings
we share
together.
There is a way, hast to be a way,
there has to be some reason,
for the way we feel inside.
I refuse to leave,
no I won't go anywhere
we are tied with hands and promises.
We are tied together.
I'll never leave you to be all alone,
no I won't abandon this beautiful picture,
even if the background remains in darkness.
Only me. Only you. Only us.
Never left, can't be forgotten.
This beautiful life in the midst of all this cruelty.
Never Gone.
~A.M.

839274  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-07-06
Written: (6435 days ago)

Alwayz.
The voice of darkness loves to come when your gone
I will cry when the doors are locked, when the darkness embraces all this light around me,
I will fall.
Do not follow, let the pain fall through your fingers, as the blad e passes through my own and I try not to let it show.
Turn off this tv, this reality.
Try not to see me.
When the makeups gone and the blood is traced back to my own.
Try not to listen, this can only bring pain. I want none to suffer.
Though all anyone every does is hurt themselves, I can't bare to see.
But I do. because I care about your scars, your hurts, your pasts that you can hide from. I care about all of you, though you might not know, I am always listening.
There is no mute, only maximum volume.
Alwayz my friends, alwayz I treasure, even if you refuse to treasure yourselves.
Alwayz.
~A.M.

839273  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-06-21
Written: (6435 days ago)

Best of me
You might not know this,
but you inspire me.
Oh you inspire me dahling, though you might not know,
yeah you bring out the best in me.
If you ever start to question, this thing we've go goin, just know, babe you gotsta know, your the only one for me.
I can see you with me, yeah your my mirror image.
I hope for this image to never fade
Hope this mirror never breaks
yeah you inspire all that's in me
yeah baby I love you.
~A.M.

839272  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-06-16
Written: (6435 days ago)

Never Forget to Remember
Don't let me forget, lets not forget.
The way this rose smells right now,
the warmth of your hug, so close.
The feeling of the beginning.
The beginning of all thats good, instead of all that's black.
I can't forget, refuse to forget
how easy it is to speak to you.
How my heart feels when your eyes stare back into mine.
So remember that this rose was red, and remember all the words you said.
In case they fade with time.
That all of the feelings inside of me you knew,
that everything I tell you is the truth.
Remember that I liked you more than all the rest. That they don't compare, could never compare, no they would be no substitute, for you.
So be mine, always be mine, let us never forget.
Let us never forget to remember.
~A.M.

839271  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-06-15
Written: (6435 days ago)

Show
Feeling something, it has to be something real.
So sweet, not so bitter sweet as everything else around us.
Eyes I never see, but always staring.
It's the last dance, lets just stand still.
Call me to wish me sweet dreamz, or don't call at all.
Cuz I want you,
your the only one who can make me smile. The others are just for show.
Yeah I hope you know, the others are just for show.
~A.M.

839269  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2006-06-07
Written: (6435 days ago)

Heart Not Mine
My mouths wired shut, I'm falling but it's not enough.
Can't reach out, can't give in.
Some kind of cruelty, some sort of sin.
Eyes stuck wide open, panic on my mind.
How did I get here? Why now, this time.
Is this love, I don't know,
all I can see are the knives in his hands.
I do not want lust, but that's all you can give,
I fear of your blades, as the pains sinking in.
This blood is not mine, I will never be yours,
as my mouth opens wide, and I scream for the doors.

The way out of this heart, you felt so well to give.
But it's not meant for me, not a gift for me to recieve.
So I'll leave, leave through the metal doors in which you bind.
~A.M.

839268  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2006-06-02
Written: (6435 days ago)

Why Give a Damn

Listening to Macy Grey but I don't feel a damn thing,
no matter what she tries to sing,
it just doesn't reach me.
I feel like such a fuck up,
that no matter what I do it's just not enough.
so why give a damn, why try.
It's not like anyone believes in me.
So if this is what you think I am,
fine. Watch me give a damn.
I can play this game much longer than you,
you don't even know what to do.
Cuz your just worried how I'll turn out,
no matter how much I shout,
all about, this crap I'm being fed.
The tears I've shed.
Trying to be everything everyone wants.
When no one accepts me anyway.
Why give a damn, why try.
I just wanna party.
Don't worry about giving me the words I wanna hear.
Cuz I don't care anymore. No I don't care right now.
I won't care tonight.
Why give a damn.
~A.M.

839267  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2006-05-23
Written: (6435 days ago)

Speak
Speak, just speak.
Cause I don't hear you anymore.
Your looking at me, like maybe I've got all the answers.
but I don't, no I don't, because my remotes turned on to mute.
I want you to be *my* knight in shining armor, I want you to,
Speak, just speak.
Cause my eardrums are bleeding from the silence
why won't you just speak to me...
I wanna let go, but I'm super-glued to the rope,
I'm in pain, but I won't show it,
to you.
Because you might not be listening.
Stare. Don't stare.
Cause I can't take the look in your eyes.
When you come so near, it's like breathings the hardest thing to do.
Breathe. Just breathe.
I don't want to be scared.
Cause I can't let go, now I can't let go.
I can't run away.
Until I know, that I should go,
leave it all behind.
But I can't go, no I can't go.
Until you tell me to.
So speak, just speak.
Tell me I should go away.
Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't need me.
Just tell me you don't need me.
Speak, Just speak.
~A.M.

839266  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-05-18
Written: (6435 days ago)

Angels' Tears ((not to be mistaken with Those Angel Tears))

I stood out in the rain,
let the tears of God and all of his angels wash me clean.
Take away all of these sins, take me away with you Lord, take me to heaven.
What would it be like, I wonder. Would everyday be sunny?
If I were up there with you Lord, could I escape all of my regrets?
I cried yesterday, because I was so scared that you wanted to take away my...
the one I love. Then I ask myself, how can you love him if you can never get close? If your too scared to get close enough for a connection?
But everytime I try to let go, I never feel right inside.
Because even if I don't know why
I still can't help but love him.
So rain, wash away my sins, let me be pure again.
give me back the childhood innocense, give me the courage to do what's right.
And Lord, if it's not too much to ask for, could you keep him safe?
The angels have stopped crying and I'm sitting, soaked.
Sometimes I wonder whether it would be easier if I were to catch pneumonia, or if God himself appeared, if He could take me to heaven.
I wonder, what is heaven like?
I wonder if it would be worth losing the one I can't have, or maybe heaven just wouldn't beheaven without his love.
Yeah that must be why I can't leave just yet.
'Cause heaven wouldn't be worth it without his love.
~A.M.

839265  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2006-05-08
Written: (6435 days ago)

8;00
I'm just sitting on the floor,
looking at the broken tv.
Stare.
There's a reflection, but it doesn't look like me.
No, it ain't me.

Ask e what I want and I don't know,
I'll dance around your lies, around your heart.
Ask me what I've found and I'll just shake my head and smile.
Some historical artifact, some hidden key to your feelings you keep so tucked away.
But I won't tell.
no, you can't know.

Turn on the tv.
Study the colors.
The ringing in my ears, it's hard to tell whether it's the silence, or the tv.
Stare.
Let the walls fall down..
fall down all around me.
The space, the empty spaces.
I don't want to spend anymore of my time there.
It's all so wasted.

So just dance with me, here just give me your hands and I'll show you, quit saying no, quit telling me you can't. You can.

The answers will sort themselves out, and all your worrying is starting to get me worrying, 'bout all this confusion that I don't wanna think about.
So quit thinking, just quit building up those walls.

'Cause I'm not asking you to let me in. I'm not asking you to love me. I'm not asking you to like me. I'm just asking for a minute.
Away from these empty spaces.

'Cause I'm afraid of dying without feeling something real. I'm afraid to die having no one know who the hell I am. Aren't you afraid?

Of all these fake portraits of happy people hanging on these walls?
Where is the reality, where is the truth?

The occasional frown, a tear every once in awhile would do. You don't have to cry for me. I don't have to be the one to make you frown. Just don't disappear.

Turn off the tv.
Pace around.

These paintings keep staring at me. Criticizing the choices I make.

"No, shouldn't have done that."
"that definitely won't do."
"Dropped the ball there."
"You can't escape your problems, quit trying, just deal."

I'm not perfect, I know.
But I'm not the one who builds up these museums filled with fake portraits.
Happy people, cheerful faces.
Forever.

Tear them off the wall and you'll find a door. The door to you.
Turn off the light.
Stare off into the dark.
Blast the music and forget about the day...
Because you aren't thinking about me anyway.
No, you aren't thinking about me anyway.
There's a reflection in the mirror, but it ain't me.
No, it's not me.
~A.M.

839264  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2006-04-22
Written: (6435 days ago)

Beautiful, Ugly, and Perfect

What a beautiful, beautiful lie.
What a beautiful, beatiful you.
Beautiful kisses and beautiful love.
Beautiful flowers and beautiful couples.
Beautiful me. Beautiful you.
It's such a beautiful, beautiful lie.
Beautiful, beautiful.

Lets not talk about that ugly, ugly mistake.
Lets not speak about the future and the ugly choices we have to make.
Lets not start with the ugly words and lets forget about those ugly silences, we share, together.
Lets escape this ugly world,
yeah lets go somewhere beautiful.

Perfect, perfect world.
Perfect, perfect you.
Perfect, perfect me.
Perfect words and perfect actions,
perfect poems, perfect verses.

Together we could pretend this perfect scene.
Rehearse the scripts tell they sound almost real. we could pretend to be real. Instead of forcing our plastic figures to fit well with one another. We could lie to everyone else. Instead of faking those smiles and painting on the emotions.
I could try to love you, I could pretend to want your love.
You could try to love me, you could pretend to want my love.

In this beautiful, beautiful world. Without those ugly, ugly mistakes, in this perfect, perfect scene.
Where love comes in second,
where duty comes first.
My make-ups wearing thin, my feelings not invisible.
I've run out of beautiful lies.
We've made too many ugly mistakes.
This perfect world is falling apart... and we all fall down.
Yeah, we all fall,
down.
~A.M.

833052  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2006-02-27
Written: (6449 days ago)

See
Baby let me see, those deep eyes of yours, baby lemme see, what its like bein' you.
Lemme see you, lets see what it's like, bein you.
Cause baby I dunno, what it's like be-ing you.
To be so scared to let things happen, too shy to say hello,
tell me baby cause your world seems so surreal.
I wanna know what it's like to be you, so maybe I can, understand.
Why do you always look away,
is it all me, my fault?
Whenever I look at you,
Cause I don't understand,
no I just don't understand!
Why do you always look away whenever I look at you?
But whenever I turn away,
babe, all you ever do is stare.
Yuh know hunny, that just ain't fair.
So lemme see you, lemme see you, cause I'm dying to know,
What's your rea-lity?
Cause all I can see in those eyes of yours, baby all *I* can see-e...
I see clouds, I see rain, but I know the sun shines again.
Yeah, I see us... but your not there.
So look into my eyes, tell me what you see. Tell me why your so afraid of, you *and* me!
I promise not to nag, not to meddle or to pry, so baby what's your problem with, you & I?
Cause all I can see in your eye-e-eyes.
all I see-e
all I see-e
I see you.
But I don't see me.
So come here, and lemme see those deep eyes of yours.
Cause I wanna see what you see,
lemme know what it's like bein' you.
~A.M.

833050  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2006-02-11
Written: (6449 days ago)

Windowpane
Staring at the windowpane, wondering where I am. Looking back on my life it seems like nothing but a dark alleyway, a cornfield maze with no way out, no way in.
So many things that I've done wrong, so many lies that I have told, there are so many regrets to bare, but I can't. No I won't.
Because there's all this pain I feel for everything I've played out so wrong, all these people I could change, for better or for worse.
But I have to find out who I am, and this is not, not his is not who I am.
This person who likes to sit alone, be alone, feel alone, the person that my friends don't get to see, this person can't be me. I try to convince myself, but right now there's no time to get away, run away, run away like I always do.
I'm gonna hide away now, hide away from you.
'Cause you won't understand, no you can't understand, is what I always say. No one will ever understand me, I just can't let them. I'm too far away. Too far away to be saved by you.
And then the darkness comes. You stand out in the open. I try to tell you, but you won't back down. But I don't let it get to you.
'Cause my whole point in the first place was to save you, put you high up on a pedestal. With those other few people I try to save from this darkness, that darkness.
You're all too beautiful to let it get to you, I won't let it get to you.
Because when it gets to you, that's when I'm left wide open, for the darkness to see. That's whenit really finds me. It's too much for me to see you hurt, won't you smile? How can I fix it, how can I make it all better? You act as if I can't fix anything, anymore.
I don't like how I am anymore.
We fight so often, this seems so pointless. I get so angry, you get so furious. But no matter how much we fight, your still my family, I'll save you from the darkness you love to live in.
Won't you open your eyes, see how much your worth. I don't care if your disabled, your insecurities don't mean a thing to me. You're my family, don't talk about going away.
Because you aren't the only one you hurt, when you talk about leavin'. I don't want to think about being alone in this world, you think you've got it so hard bein' the one leavin', but I'm the one whose getting left behind.
Staring at the windowpane, wondering what I did again.
Wondering where I am again. The darkness clears and I can see.
And the light is so beautiful.
~A.M.

833048  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2006-02-09
Written: (6449 days ago)

Lyin' Awake
I'm lying awake, it's 12:16, friday morning, but I just can't sleep.
The beds all made, it's quiet in the house, too quiet for me.
I need to get outta this place, I just want to be somewhere far away. Sometimes life is just a little too hard to handle, whadyasay bout leaving this place behind??
Cause I don't wanna think about getting a job, school or home. I wanna escape this world for awhile, whatdyasay? Lets go away, at least for a little while.
I wanna jump over the moon, run around in the rain, we can run until we can barely crawel, then rest on top a rainbow.
Ride it up tell we find ourselves a leprechaun, but those lucky charms are *mine*. Yea we could run away today, lets just leave it all behind.
Lets play hide-n-seek in the clouds, until we fall asleep. We could find ourselves ontop of a bean stalk when we wake, c'mon, we can take on that giant.
He ain't so tough, he ain't so big...
Come run away with me, it's so early. We have about 23 hours to find something to do, someplace we could escape to.
It's 12:16, friday morning, I'm wide awake. No place to be but here, in this quiet place. Just too quiet for me.
Yeah, we could get away.
~A.M.

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