back again, maybe not for long, just wanted to see if I even could remember my username and password and obviously I can, go figue... I mean, it has been two years and anything on here that might condemn me should be disregarded, I am a changed person now, maybe not completely, but nearly unrecognizable to the person I was way back then... I mean, TWO YEARS I have avoided this site due to a friend turned enemy and now I am curious to see how good my memory really is??? I must be some sort of stupid person to not realize that if he found this place once, he will find it again but that really doesn't matter anymore... he can go screw himself or find a dirty whore whom he can tell his damning lies to... I hope he gets all that he deserves spread out through his entire life and not having a job is just one of his "just desserts". I guess you can say that I am pretty mad at him again, even though about a year or more ago I had forgiven him and if he didn't have all of my trust back he at least had enough of it back that I believe what he had told me only to turn around and find out that it was all lies... I'm ranting again, sorry, I don't know if I should believe anything of what i have heard because it seems to me that if one friend is going to lie to me and hide things of import from me than whats to stop everyone else from doing so on a regular basis? How am I to know if my own folks tell me the truth? actually, that last one is nonsense, they lie to me, but not all the time and most of my friends don't lie to me but tell me things that they have heard no matter how hurtful it might be... About a year ago i didn't know if I still loved him or not, now I know that I still love him but now I also hate him for his lies and his deceitfulness. He is a gullible idiot that should open his eyes and learn to look at his sources more clearly and delve into that information if it means going up to the person the rumours (or accusations) are about... but no, he was too cowardly and too gullible to realize that the person telling him most of that stuff was a lieing bitch, and she probably still lies to him about everything... and I am still ranting, lol... I think that I should have done enough ranting by now on my multiple sites that I go to but apparently not, a whole new potential audience has to know how I am feeling and how unfair I think this all is but I am just one person out of millions... darn, I have to work now, lol, maybe I will be back in another year or two...

ok, being a child who has spent her life in some sort of abuse for most of her life... I guess I find it hard to look away when I hear of another person or their children being abused by other people.... It just heats my blood to boiling because it makes life harder to deal with... Going through something like this myself I would know from personal experience. I know that there are many people out there like that, who have been through the same or similar experiences but I heard of one today that made me hate someone I didn't even know... It made me not want to know her at all because she thinks (as far as I know) that is alright to hurt another person's kids... I couldn't believe what I had hear, I just wanted to beat her when i heard it and I do not normally fall into such violent patterns. Fuck, if I saw her, if I met her in person she would not survive too much longer and there are other people whom I have threatened to kill and yet I would never... I could never hurt them because that is not in my nature. But this one person, this one, insignificant person, in my eyes, has condemned herself, which is really hard to do with me...

hmmm....how wonderful....I tried asking my own MOTHER to my graduation and all she can say is "GO FUCK YOURSELF". She has two kids that are older than me, and neither one of them has graduated and probably never will. She has one kid, her favorite out of all four of us, who probably will not graduate at all. So far, I am her only child who is graduating and she can't find a single proud bone her body. She graduated when she was thirty some odd years old and I am graduating at about half that age. there is just a few days left until grad and i had invited her last week. I told her that I was debating between her and my ceramics teacher and when my mother told me to "go fuck yourself" she had made the decision not to go. So I then asked my ceramics teacher who was more than thrilled to go. That made me feel much better that I could find someone else to go to my banquet instead of my mother... someone who had become much more close to me than my mother ever could be.

Hmm…. First off, let’s say that my boyfriend might be coming up for my grad. We haven’t actually met yet but we have been planning to for quite some time. Originally he would have been coming up here for Christmas this year but I had planned to leave my town after I graduate. I graduate this year and am now starting to get excited about it… at first I was nervous and scared because I didn’t really have anyone to go with, not like other people, but now I am actually excited. He isn’t actually my boyfriend yet, not until we meet and decide if it can work out, besides, we have a deal that needs living up to. For every dance we share one kiss, which is another reason why I am so excited about grad. The only problem is, he lives about 18 hours away and is only leaving two days before my grad, on the bus.
I hope that Adam is better than my first boyfriend, Cody M, and my second boyfriend, David S, and another one or two of my internet boyfriends who only wanted to cyber…. Or meet my friends so that they could have a threesome or a foursome… it was disgusting, but one of them was really fun, his name was Matt Snyder. He was fun, really fun, I saved a couple of our conversations but that is all, couldn’t do more without people getting suspicious, lol... We kept that relationship going for a good long time.
Anyway, David S was my second boyfriend and probably one of the few people left in my town that have known me for longer than most other people. He was cute while our relationship lasted but it just ended one day, we couldn't do much about it because we were crowding each other too much. We were spending as much time together as we could but that wasn't fair to either of us and we had become tired of each other's company. It is good that we both agreed on terminating that relationship before it got too far, but there were still rumours floating around, rumours that are all gone now, I hope...

I just thought of this... The last time I cried was sometime last year. I have not been able to bring myself to cry for anyone or any reason in a long time. The last person I cried for was this guy named Ashley. He had been a friend of the family for many years. I mean, he even used to be my babysitter when I was a little kid and one day he just killed himself. He hung himself in the basement and the day after I went and saw his corpse. I was so shocked, so emotionally shocked that I couldn't cry, not right away anyway. I was driven home, calmly went inside, calmly went to my room, calmly lied down on my bed, and started crying with my music on loud enough to drown out my sobs. Not even a week later I was forced to go to the place where he had hung himself and I wandered around aimlessly until I went down to the basement and saw the rafters. I started crying again, I was all alone that time, no one was around and then my dad came downstairs and tried to comfort me. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to see his family, especially his brothers for they all looked alike. I wanted to run away, I wanted to be alone so that I could grieve in silence, so that I could GRIEVE for him. Then, a couple days after that, there was his service. We went to the church and listened to everything that people said about him and I started crying again, silently, because it hurt so much to lose someone who was so close to my family. he was so close to the family that he pretty much was family, and he was a damned good cook. There were so many people at the services that not everyone could fit into the church because, apparently, he was quite the ladies man. We had to drive out to the cemetary where his cremated body was burried, anyone who wanted to was allowed to put a handful of dirt into his grave in remembrance of who he was and how much he meant to us. That was the last day that I had cried, that I had actually cried for anyone or anything and I felt numb afterwards, I didn't feel raw or relieved by anything, I just felt numb. In a way, I still feel numb and it changed my mind about a lot of things. If his suicide affected that many people, what would mine do?

by rereading some of my diary entries I have come to see that from about 2002 to early 2004 I was a bit suicidal. I know that I have tried to kill myself before but it never succeeded so I gave up on it. There was no point in trying.
*sighs* I saw my niece during easter weekend. The joy I felt at seeing her, and my baby niece as well, was overwhelming. She loved me, she didn't judge, she didn't look at me as if I were scum or anything. She took me for who I was and let the love flow off her. I felt it radiating from her little form and felt it pulse when we had to leave. She didn't want to let me go, she didn't want to lose me. I nearly cry from that memory and I ache inside to see her again and show her my love for her. ach, my hands are shaking from the strength of the memory and the feeling of unconditional love that just emanated from her. It was so amazing, so heart wrenching and beautiful like finally being able to see light and colour after living so long in the darkness. I knew that my dad loved me but he was my father, he would always love me, my niece was different. She didn't have to love me, she could have hated me right on the spot but she didn't. She showed her love to me, she loves life and she loves everyone in it. I could learn a lot from her and probably will the next time I see her. I should try writing just one poem for her that will express the way she is and how she could make people feel. She jumped over high walls, gates, fences, trees, and lakes to reach the core of me and heal. i felt like I would burst with the wonder of what she made me feel, it was stronger than anything else in the world. if I live for nothing else, let it be for her, let her be the light that guides me through the darkness and into the light, out of the abyss and onto solid ground.

Hmmm, swimming tomorrow night and I feel so sick and sad. I think that for the first time in who knows how long my crush is ending with Dave. We may like each other (apparently we both like each other a lot) but nothing is ever going to happen. I am sick of it and I am sick of waiting. I did ask him out but he says that our friendship is too good to ruin with a relationship. I may agree but that does not mean that I do not want something more. I certainly do want something more from our friendship but I know that I will never be able to get it. I even believe that our friendship would grow stronger if put through the trials of a relationship, maybe even strong enough to live through his moving away, far away. Our friendship at the moment is not strong enough to last through him moving away at the end of the school year. I can sense and see that because I have had so many friends like that. Over the years our friendship and our contact will get weaker and less. I have had so many friends that were as close as him and I are right now and at the present moment we are hardly even talking. Hell, I would be lucky to hear from some of my friends in the next three years or so. I am going to miss him so much, so much that I don't know if I will be able to live through it or live long enough to graduate and move to the city where he might be. I am just going to be torn so far apart that it would take years and years and years for me to heal, again.
After my first b/f I found it really hard to go out with anybody. I did go out with someone new though and that relationship only lasted about two months. Well, after I dumped that second person I hadn't gone out with anybody new and that was approximately two years ago. God does that ever make me feel lonely and the only person, at the moment, that can do any thing about it is Dave and he doesn't even notice. I feel so down in the dumps when he is gone and we spent a good amount of time together. i just wish that he would burn in hell now.

*sighs* It has been a long, wearisome day. I had science with the guy I have a crush on (I sit beside him every science day:D), and we are doing an art history project in art class. Well, I finished my art history project so I started to paint my ceramic dragon which, by that time, I had 3 hours of work on. Anway, about 40 minutes before class ends, I finish my dragon (It is the elemental dragon of fire) and I have had people exclaim about it and wanting me to give it to them. Well, one of my friends decided to name it Randel so now Randel has to sit in my work room until I can get a sealer on it. I had put five hours into that one dragon, I am so proud of myself, one more elemental dragon to go, YAY!!

YAY!! There was an audition for a talent show at school today (I'm Only 16 people) and a friend of mine and me were in the auditions, well, we sang a song by Celine Dion called "My Heart Will Go On" and, well....... we made it into the the talent show. I almost fainted by the time we got down the stairs that led up to the Mezz. My legs were like jello, I could barely walk, or even stand up for that matter. I was so happy just to get home and have everything done and over with. My birthday is in 2 days, I only called myself 16 because I am so close to my b-day, I can hardly wait, dinner and swimming and then two weeks later a party. :D:D:D:D

Friends are the greatest treasures that anyone could possibly have, especially when you know that they care about you as much as you care about them. I would, honestly, do anything for my friends if they asked it of me, and if I deem it more important than what I have planned, lol. I'm not that selfish, hell, I hardly tell people what is going on in my own mind and I guess that that must fruterate some people, including some of my closer friends. They seldomly ask whats wrong and I am grateful for that because I can never really describe what is wrong or what is bothering me, words are always so inadequate, they just don't get messages across. It would be better if you could just show the people what is wrong, or let them into your mind temporarily so that they can see for themselves what is wrong and how I am actually feeling. It would be much simpler that way and I wouldn't have to fight with my tied tongue every time I try to say something as to what I am thinking and how I am feeling and stuff, including my opinion. It gets so frustrating when I can't explain or describe anything, no one ever gets that I don't have an opinion, I don't make opinions about anything, well, not conciously anyway. When ever somebody asks me what I am thinking, the only thing I can really reply with is that my mind is a complete blank or absolutely nothing. It is rare for me to have thoughts rolling around in my head, if I think I have to write it down or say it out loud so that I know what I am thinking and I can think on that as well. Otherwise, well, what would be the point in thinking. Lol. My point of views must seem really awkward, but that is the way I feel about trying to use words to describe things, I can't, well, I can but it is really difficult, I am not gifted with speech the way other people are, I am gifted with words, paints (ceramics) and what ever artistic skill that I can get the hang of, but not speech. I could probably get a hold of music, if I tried hard enough, but that is really difficult as well. Well, I'll write more when I feel like it, bye.

Hmm, at times I wish that my friends would just leave me alone, leave my personal life alone but if they actually did that, boy would life be boring, lol. I love all my friends, dearly not queerly, and I care about them more than I care about my own life and I would do anything for them, if only they didn't leave me. I have a friend who is trying to set me up with a guy, another who is trying to keep me from suicide, another who plays cards with me all lunch, another who is also an artist tho in a different area (she draws and paints on paper, I pain on ceramics) and finally a friend who just comforts me with his presence (the one my friend is trying to set me up with). Well, that is all I wanted to say this time.

I've been thinking that lately there is not enough for people to live for, including me. I figure that the best thing to live for is another person, mainly a sweetheart or someone you can think of as a very close friend. I have my guy that I want to live for, mainly because he doesn't like people who try to commit suicide, lol. Anyway, he is such a cutey and so sweet too, but he is also an asshole and, I think he maybe, a druggy. I wouldn't go out with him tho, it would never work between us and he has already agreed with that theory.

Holy cow this is such a tiring day. There is nothing to do and I wish that I could have gone swimming lastnight to talk to a couple of friends rather than sit at home and pretend that everything is fine and dandy. I couldn't go swimming because my bloody bowels are acting up, again. I don't know whether or not I am going to have the runs or if my shit is going to come out solid or if it is going to come out at all. Everything is so confusing and mind boggling, I feel like I am in a dream where nothing is going to make sense for the longest time and the world is tilting every which way possible. This is so abnormal, I have not felt this way for quite a long while and I wish that I had someone whom I could lean against like I have in my dreams. I sometimes imagine that I am reaching back and someone takes my hand warmly in their's. How bloody stupid of me to think that that would ever happen, no one really cares about me and that is finale.

When the sky literally turns red then that is when I shall be leaving for for me there is no rest. I can not sleep during the day and when I do manage it is as if I have gotten no rest. There is no rest for the wicked.

I can't believe that so much has happened in 4 days and though there are consequences, those consequences have consequences. Every action has a consequence and every consequence has a consequence.

Today, April 13, 2003, is the day that my sleep over ends. I have watched a movie but I can't seem to be able to let my friend go for some reason. She is allergic to my cat. I have been sad for many days now and I don't know why, everything just seems a little crazy. I can't concentrate on shit for all that I am worth.

I'm so tired that I can still barely keep my eyes open. I barely got any sleep lastnight and am wishing that it had not happened that way. I have been trying to work on my homework but I don't have everything that I need to even start working on it. I keep burning insence because it helps me relax and be able to think. It is my physical anchor/leverage in this world, it keeps me living. But it is not a good idea to keep burning them.

Last night I actually slept and awoke feeling groggy and more tired than usual but feeling rested. I had a dream but I can't remember much of it, which is probably a good thing. Dreams come and go like the wind, the sun and the moon but they last a long time.

, guy. Near the stories end I had my head resting on his hip. At the end, we were all asleep and I was right behind him with my arms around him. In the morning I awoke to find that he was gone. I headed for the kitchen and found a girl that looked like me with long hair. A little later I was sitting in this strange room with the guy right infront of me. We were talking about the story which we both assumed was our past from some time ago. We discussed a lot like why I had to kill him instead of him just killing me. I had to awaken by them so he asked for my name and I gave it just before I had awakened.
-Tykao