_{...brain drain...}


i feel somewhat compelled to write something here after such a long absence. and oddly enough, it has nothing to do with current events.

it has nothing to do with things going on with my family (everybody is ok, new addition to the family, relatives visit, and many other moments).
it has nothing to do with my recent successes: finishing 2nd year study of Japanese language (i still suck at it :p ); volunteering at my school to help other Japanese students; gaining my 1st ever "tutee" since i'm officially trained as a tutor at my school.
it has nothing to do with a future i'm really looking forward to, namely my move to Tokyo and the very real notion of completing my BA degree at Temple University Japan.
it has nothing to do with my close relationships i've developed with friends both here at ET, and with online contacts from countries such as China, Malaysia, the Philippines (and one good friend from Cambodia).

---

this has to do with my current mood. something i'm ashamed to admit.
i am not smart. 


i feel that the older i get, the more of my intelligence is simply slipping away. sure, my work ethic remains intact in various stages depending on my mood, and if i have something that keeps my interest. but, when i look around me all the time, i am always watching people, moving and thinking and creating wonderful works of art or constructing large projects from their own minds. and what am i doing? i can barely wake up in the morning sometimes....maybe i have enough strength to brew a cup of coffee, or i have just enough confidence in my cooking skills to put a pop-tart in the toaster....

meanwhile, i see my friend [LvSha] is constantly in a state of creativity and constructive labors....she writes of her job in Beijing, her "olympic guide" study, and she is quite loquacious on the current political state in China involving Tibet, Western idealisim & media, and other statements that are most deservedly need to be said.

i do agree with my friend about much of her comments. but sadly....i feel that i will let her down when i say this: i don't really know what is going on over there. i wish i knew the situation, perhaps my thoughts on the matter are all wrong....and it seems when i tried to comment on my friend's pix at myspace, she needed to correct me....so i'm feeling very inadequate, becuz no matter how much i study Chinese culture or language or current events, i will always never be able to understand what goes on in China....

i know that sounds trivial, and perhaps its not entirely correct either. but that is only a small example, not my main point. my point is that i've been feeling inadequate about everything i try to understand. now it just feels like i'm stabbing at the dark when it comes to my intellect. 
i know some people have said i was very smart, or that i am an inspiration to them, or that they look up to me....and i just want to cry, becuz deep down inside i think i'm letting everybody down now~


i want to understand things. i want to become a better artist. i feel really stupid when i think of the rediculous errors i've been making only in the last few weeks....how the hell am i supposed to make it in Japan when i can't even figure out the simple things?

maybe thats what blogs are for, to help one's self understand one's self better. that or i'm simply ranting, which i told myself was supposed to be primarily for myspace musings. anyway, i really dont know how i'm supposed to be feeling tonite. i wish i could have a cause to believe in like my friends...but it seems that the only cause i have in life, is just what i'm doing day to day. and that doesn't make any difference in the world....

also, an addendum to the previous entry:to all my ET friends here, i apologize most sincerely for lack of replies, msg's, activity, and outward offerings. 2 factors usually get in my way of doing normal stuff here at my house~ outside forces that affect me in real life such as schoolwork, family issues, & academic projects -- and also my rapidly depolarizing disposition from day to day (i blame it all on my emotional nature as a typically deep-rooted Piscean)

my good friends, i give thanks to your countenance--especially [LvSha] for her artistic merits (thanks so much again for the cool graphic Lu Sha!) & to [Mekashef] for his topic of conversation (colleague of the intellect, keep the faith Etienne)

...TUJ...
¤
...MESHUGGAH...
¤
...NFC...
¤
...VEGAS...
¤
...TERIYAKI DINER...
~~~


new things abound, and new stuff is found. i heard recently about the Spring Equinox, that it's often a time of new beginnings and the refreshment of old interests. in the spirit of things, i make this entry --

actually, i do feel a sense of entrance into unfamiliar grounds lately. i finally admitted to myself that i'm a Meshuggah fan, a stable band that's been around for some time whose hard-slammin' metal-thrashin' polyrhythmic power chords are anything but stable,hehe....

applying to Temple University Japan is my new objective academically, a wonderful yet serendipitous opportunity that suddenly changed my entire school planning...this might be a much speedier method to get that chance of living and studying in Japan, perhaps sooner than i originally expected...


recently returning from a trip to see my newborn niece, i've come to the conclusion that Las Vegas is still very much overrated, however i inextricably have to admit that it does hold certain limited appeal that i enjoyed while i was there~


this being a site for creativity, i should at least mention that i'm feeling new inspirations....on the part of different sources; a bit from having not created anything in awhile - but also from new friends as well as old ~~
also, i feel a need to contribute more toward Elftown, which is why i'm investing some time with a recent contest, hehe (i've been wanting to make smileys for my msg's for awhile, now i have even more reason to accomplish that)

oy...i meant for this entry to be profound in some fashion, but it looks like it denegrated into a simple blog....i despise that word actually, it has the connotation of non-productivity, since nothing of any intellectual value can be contributed to the bazillions of blog entrys people make everyday. but nevertheless, my mental ramblings i must confine to one place, and i've decided that any such journal is best left to keep here at my house. 

diatribes or drivel, banter or epiphanies....whatever comes to mind, let it be written on this page. not sure if it helps or intrigues anyone in the least, but at least i will hope to keep things consolidated.

so it is, that i've returned to a somewhat more recognizable and contented state of mind



IT IS NOT THE STRENGTH OF PEOPLE BEHIND ONE MAN THAT MAKES THE MAN GREAT; IT IS THE STRENGTH OF ONE MAN BEHIND HIS PEOPLE THAT MAKE THE PEOPLE GREAT


having just watched another round with the movie "Ghandi", i began to feel philosophical once more. and in the context of things greater than myself, i started thinking that if i was someone who is helping other people, or at the very least i'm someone who is using a particular skill to understand a type of people better, then perhaps i was feeling just that little bit of usefulness to the world at large. by the way, if the above quote stirs your mind or gives a strong feeling, then i'm very pleased by that....i did not find it anywhere, i just made it up while i was watching the film.

a colleague student in my Japanese language class has become something i never saw before. she is a friend now, and she is a person i see as being extremely strong-willed and relentless in her determination to see things right. she admitted to me, that she was purposefully trying to bring myself from out of my "shell" (i've been pretty much a turtle for most of my life) and she is doing the same thing for another former student in our class, a girl who has a similar temperament as myself. even though this other student is not attending class right now, she is still a present member of the club activities i am also participating in, and it is primarily for the club that i find i am becoming quite ambitious with my own goals at the college. 

so it turns out, in my shameful hindsight....that i had a friend all along, never knowing just how much she cared about my state of being. it is strange, how people become so used to something that is taken as the standard momentum, and when you decide to change that momentum by acting out of character, there are people who become affected by that. this is what happened in the last few weeks, and because of the response i received from people who were sincerely worried about me, i was rather overcome with an emotion i very rarely experience:
i felt like i belonged somewhere.



that alone gives me a new ambition for certain little things that i previously was indecisive about.

i see now that i do have purpose in this world, even if it only begins as a small step in a tiny college in an ambiguous town lying incognito amongst the vast landscape of this country and of the world.

---

this entry is not simply a return to form here at ET, and not just my input of thoughts at this moment in time....i also like to thank the friendships, welcome actions, and thoughtful wishes from any person i've met--

~it's because of my classmate acquaintances that i've found a new determination and the purpose for continuing my activities for the club there

~it's because of my newly acquired friends with whom i've shared some really interesting moments (i had a wonderful time celebrating Chinese New Year just this last week; the rice cake was absolutely marvelous!)

~it's because of online acquaintances, with fallible internet technology permitting, i still nevertheless receive good news and very kind words from folks i know through Elftown, Yahoo, MSN, DiA, Myspace, & Friendster {to all my ET acquaintances who might read this later, this note is especially for you  }


things are looking up my friends. if situations dictate that maybe you are also in more precarious of times, then hopefully by reading this entry i wish that you can vicariously take some of the good will i know feel and carry it with you as well.

hmm...1st entry in long time, only i happen to be in a very despondent mood tonite...unfortunate, but somehow typical i guess...


i came up with something that should aptly describe the situation i'm going through. so i shall place it here, for someone to read, don't know who will ever come across this note. but whatever...

---

"imagine, you are in a large house that suddenly feels cold, empty, dark, and you are the only thing living and moving around.
~
your best friend and partial family member is now dead, but the only reason that happened is because you made the decision that she had to die.
~
you pick up the phone, but there is nobody to call.
~
you walk out the door, but there is nowhere to go.
~
you go to work, but suddenly feel like the work no longer matters anymore.
~
while you are at work, you suddenly notice you have become invisible, and nobody even sees you are there.
~
you leave work, and expect to meet a friend who might cheer you up, only to find that they have disappeared.
~
you try to talk to people whom you know quite fondly, only to find out they do not know you at all.
~
so after all that is done, you finally return home; only to find that the house is just as cold, empty, dark, and lonely as when you left."

---

much ado about nothing...


except when there is much ado about something...


and sure enough, i find myself with something to do about everything...


strangely enough, there is a bushel load of material swimming around in my mind that i wish to pen here. however, i don't have the mental capacity to scribble everything down that has happened to me recently. try to imagine the world's oceans suddenly thrust into the sky, then have all that limitless mass of water come crashing down into a narrow ravine; such an effect would have occurred if i simply burst forth with every detail about the events i've experienced in the last few weeks.

and so temperance is the key, once again...


i will have to make subsequent additions at later times to cover all the material that i deem worthy of belonging in a journal entry for each event. for now, i simply wanted to make an entry that will introduce future writings here.

crap...somehow, i gotta find time to write here soon...

at the far edge of town where the grickle grass grows
and the wind smells slow and sour when it blows
and no birds ever sing excepting old crows
is the street of the lifted lorax

and deep in the grickle grass some people say
if you look deep enough you can still see today
where the lorax once stood
just as long as he could
before someone lifted the lorax away


something powerful, ominous, imaginative, and inspiring in those words. hard to believe they were written by a simple author named Theodore Geisel...which the world more commonly refers to as Dr. Seuss.

yes, that prose is actually the first 2 pages to the children's storybook The Lorax. but i always find myself reciting that prose, especially in dour times when i find myself staring out a car window and witnessing the utter ruin and blank, careless devastation of my hometown, solely for the purpose of building another unwanted set of ugly housing developments.

Evil Orange. that is what the scurge of my roadways is now labeled by me. their sole purpose in life: to make you wait and make you late, for whatever destination it was that you tried to get to peacefully. nope, they will not have any of it; their mission is specifically to wreck your roadways and destroy your patience with minimal effort and a big fucking red stop sign as their weapon of choice.

they are also in cahoots with the incessant, rumbling steel beasts that i've been forced to follow in their wake down the highways. their 2nd line of attack: trucks! the single greatest hazard of my freeways, and quite impervious to all forms of avoidance since they multiply rapidly and cause incredible irritations across the entire landscape of mild-mannered drivers, like me.


~1,000 curses to the Evil Orange~
may their tools rot into rust piles
and their coffee turn cold as ice
i pray that their cigarettes burn up in their face!

this entry is merely an added thought; if by chance there is somebody reading my journal here, then i wish to convey this notion:

i'm actually feeling fine.

so i've experienced another week of turbulent motions....no different than a lot of weeks preceding it. i'm not sad or too melancholy right now; don't have the energy for it i guess.

just tired of living a lonely life, that's all.


anyway not important; my horoscope says friday should be a good day. i'll take advantage of that if i can. perhaps hidden treasures await...

alright! i was bestowed the honor of receiving another item to nicely decorate my badge list! a humble reward that i gratefully give thanks; however i will probably never win any of the colored badges due to the proliferated use of photoshop for all artwork submitted to ET contests. perhaps it is a conspiracy on the part of those who are following the Adobe bandwagon...or perhaps i'm merely paranoid while being subject to self-persecution with regards to the veritable crappiness of my own art work. hell, can it really be called artwork anyhow?
contrarywise, that has given me a strange idea in recent weeks about submitting a new contest regarding art done using ONLY MS PAINT--take that, photoshop philanderers!!
well, actually that idea is not too farfetched...apparently, someone had created that very thing awhile back. i found it in the elftown archives under contests which are now closed.
me thinks a reopening is in order....hehe

---

well, i got excited. so sue me.
i thought i had a wonderful opportunity to meet and greet with a rather pretty and nice japanese girl. how fortunate that i would have been! how wonderful that the gods of good luck would have spared the evil karma that so permeated my life, to deliver a girl like that into my midst!

sadly, it was not to be....
after repeated attempts to meet with her and engage in light conversation, i now get the feeling she is not interested in any kind of friendship. so i wasn't being spared after all. the gods of fortune it seems were not there to offer me this gift: instead they were only dangling a carrot, and with persistence like that of the candiru i did follow that path.

ruin to my self-esteem? ha! there is no ruin. you cannot ruin something any more than it already is.

seems like i keep having the same dream, repeatedly each night. or other times it is the same dream and yet not the same, similar points and attractions or interests or familiar places that seem to spring up out of the ground of my subconscious. and then again, it is not a dream at all, but a simple thought, a mere glance or mental image, a wish not yet granted or the whimsy of personal desire or fantasy. it is either a series of dreams, or perhaps just one grand scheme of images and landscapes all conjured up out of a necessity in my life to pursue some inconceivable yet physically attainable goal that i can't quite put my finger on.

oh well, whatever... 

I close my eyes and see the white sands of a vacant beach
in front is an indescribable ocean, waves blundering to and fro, moving with a perpetual energy that is blissful as it is active
behind me is the tree line of tropical palms
and I think to myself what delights lay in the sampling of fresh coconut milk under a mild sunny sky
then there is the image of grassy meadows, of a cool breeze moving slowly through the cattails
I see shards of bamboo growing in the fields
then stakes of the same plant with their tops cut open and I can see the hollow emptiness of such a simple plant
then there is the sight of a kiosk rising in the midst of a forest grove
a table spread with bare items but soon occupied by the implements of something familiar
there is a teapot brewing hot water, the steam gently lifting from the spout
I can smell the tannin fruity tones of green tea, and something else much sweeter
then there is darkness, but not the melancholy aura of dusk nor the dense cold black of a solid night
faint light emanates from the soft glow of tissue lanterns
I stand in an austere room, no persons other than myself as I wait for an event to follow, peering out beyond a windowsill at some flow of a stream in the distance
I'm wearing nothing more than the light burden of thin clothing, and barefoot upon a wooden floor
and then I see what I might have been waiting for; a lonely girl slowly strides near a doorway that led into this room
she is dressed in the most beautiful of kimono, waving a tissue fan decorated with the subtle strokes of ukiyo-ei
I am still attentive at the window with my stream in the distance, and this girl walks behind me to an adjacent table where she sits very carefully upon the tatami floor
then, there is only flashes of white and of blue, of the morning cloud and the evening shade, of a red that caresses and a green that brings comfort
and somehow, all I feel during such moment is a sensation of peace and pleasure...

darkest day and the darest hour
against this scourge I have no power
my name attached is all they need
to set this beast that wanders freed
¤
the suffering a thousand fold
upon my soul this stranglehold
my curse this demon now created
towards the grave has not abated
¤
I simply cannot kill the beast
of greed that will commence their feast
such evil I have never seen
injustice is their core of being
¤
forced am I to battle day and night
like spirits held in grievous plight
the system failed and now this path
has only driven me to wrath
¤
against a law that does no good
thus guilty now where i stood


well, i'm not sure where this was going exactly...simply trying to express a family nightmare using poetry. somehow, even the prose itself seems hollow...was this supposed to be a part of something larger in scope maybe?

a pull of the rope...
a twist of the knob...

and weary spectators witness the diary being kick-started into gear once more.

---

to any of those members who are really that insatiable in their curiosity of these words spewing forth from my mind's mandibles...i have decided that i will henceforth pick up from this day forward the act of jotting down whatever mental ramblings i have in store.

ergo, i'll have some use for this sector of my house.


for those who stumble upon this area, you will discover very little in the way of anything stupendous. i don't know whether i'll be writing something down here because i'm sad, glad, insightful, or spiteful....but whatever it is, i'll make sure that it deserves to be said here in these entries.

dreams, thoughts, feelings, ponderings, ideas, plans, strategies...perhaps all of the above will be laid to rest here, or simply cataloged in these entries so that i can resuscitate them later for some kind of mad project or dark scheme...or just maybe a sketch or writing of some kind. either way, productivity is the aim i suppose. a means to an end, as well as the end itself.


and so it begins. again.