Someone said something to me a while back that stuck with me. "You're the first person I've met who I can tell is making an effort to be a good person. Is choosing to be a good person."
I have to choose. I collect ways to hurt people (emotionally, physically); the collection builds in self-defense (so I can stop people from hurting me or someone else), but that doesn't mean I don't have an arsenal which would set fire to a dozen people's psyches and rend asunder several more.
Some people don't have a very hard choice there; they either don't have the will (not a mean bone in their body) or the skill (wouldn't know how).
I make a choice. Perhaps because I know the other choices I have, I don't always make the right one. Perhaps I find it more difficult because I know I have other choices.

"It's included. Everything we want that is good is included in our life with Jesus. It's not that we make a deal and certain things are part of it and others aren't. We make Jesus the center and He will provide every good and perfect thing for us. The greatest gift has been given to us, why would other things not be provided?"

Help me believe, God. I have a hard time with life, with believing anything not wrought by my own hands. At the same time, I find the work of my hands insufficient, ineffectual, incomplete and ultimately, eventually intolerable.
I have been disappointed a lot. I fully expect to be let down again. 
And again. 
And again. 
Where are you? How do I shake these things holding me back? How do I get back this fire I had where what I wanted was more OF you instead of more FROM you? 
I don't know if there's anything I can do--if there is, let me know. If there isn't, would you could you please? 
I know I'm being "double-minded" -- I look for something my mind has dismissed, listening for footsteps I expect not to hear. Not the first time I've been let down, nor will it be the last, I know. But each one hurts all the same.

Why’s it gotta be this way/why’s it gotta be Monday
How much to pay off Tuesday/to come right after Sunday?
Yeah last night was Sunday/I remember it all right
Drank a couple double shots/ was up all night
At the start of the night/ we were checking out the shots
I grabbed the first test ‘spresso/ tasted like a thousand watts
I had another drink after that/ coconut and mocha
Because I was told I’d get it free/ for sadly I am broke-a
There were two pretty girls that night/no wait there was a third
And if I lived another’s life / this story’d get absurd
The first came in real close / and fixed me with a stare
All I could see were her eyes / and all I smelled was her hair
I said one thing to her / drew up my rapier wit
Told her I may be obnoxious / but I promise to be worth it.
We carried on a while/and I saw the second honey
She was at the register / handling our shop’s money
Then the third girl walked up/ and asked for a mint latte
I threw it all together / then saw she was a hotte
Some of what I’ve said is true/ and some is just a story
But all I want for me and you / is to live for more than our own glory
I’ve made this song go round and round/ not bad for a sometime poet
But there’s better players at this rap game/ and I’m sure now you all know it.

http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=780 Nowhere else to put this...

http://www.soullikeaspider.com/blog/2011/9/6/things-im-enjoying-amazoncom-giveaway.html?lastPage=true#comment14996995

I'm officially selling out. A friend of mine is running a drawing, I get an entry if I link her blog. Not that anybody's been here in ages, but it's another little corner I can sell for another shot at stuff.

Been a while since I've been here. Been a while since I've gone back to these old things.
I still write. My content's improved and I've actually got some degree of style. I do poetry and I've got a story I've been working on for a while. You wanna talk, I think I've got stuff on here. If not, I'll fix it.

"I lll--"

The words died on my tongue. I put the books away, put the couch and chairs back in order. The mixed signals were driving me batty. I know you've been through your share of mud--so have I. We're all prodigals, one way or another. Everybody needs grace, and God will give it. Even the folk who think they've got it all together aren't perfect, still need forgiveness. I know the truth of you, I know what you're capable of, for both good and ill. And I love you still.

I re-racked the swords, put the spear back up on its nails, leaned the staff against the wall. The armor went back on its posts, and I sat and began to write, to think in earnest. They say that lust and infatuation are intoxicating, make you think the world of someone when it isn't true, blind you to a person's faults and give their good points highlights and ringlets to boot.

I looked through the list, all the lessons I've learned. Some of them, oddly enough, came from earlier times I'd been with you. Don't condemn people when they finally open up and reveal their deepest darkest secrets. Love always. Chase after God, fight to be with Him, spend time on your own with Him. Be real. I laughed sadly at this, thinking about the time I'd been playing someone else's game, a game of not committing to anything and lying out my ass. But I'm done playing his game, and I'm playing my own. And I love you still.

It's real, though. I'm not afraid to talk about you, not afraid to be who I really am. It isn't one of those fluffy "I live to be around you" kinds of things--I'm not some lost puppy. It's...surprisingly lucid around you, which is why the mixed signals confuse me so much. Things went...well, not black and white again, but they're clearer. And I love you still.

I don't know what you're supposed to do with this knowledge. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with it. All I've been doing is living in each moment and letting the future work itself out. A little bit of forethought and planning when it's stuff that can change the course of my life...but otherwise, just living out loud.

It doesn't even feel odd or wrong...which in and of itself is kinda strange.

I can't play that game.
I would rather know the truth
even if it hurts
than be happy.

I'd rather feel the pain
the pain of the coldness and hardness of unpleasant truth
than live in questions
than live and not know the facts.

Why am I such a horrible judge of character,
so bad at choosing who to love?
Why do I always find them, the ones that really need love, to the point where I pour out and I don't feel poured back into?

A troublesome girl who used me as an excuse to get out of the house, a girl who took me much farther than I ever thought I would, farther than I ever wanted. A girl who used me as an emotional crutch. A girl who's got me out of my mind, worse than the other three and better.

At least I keep myself guarded
at least I haven't given myself completely away.
If I'd done that, I don't know what I'd do.
For all my supposed wisdom, I'm no more brilliant than the next schlub.

Why, O God? Why do You give me such challenges?
I'm not that strong! I know that through You I can do all things, but I can't. The chessboard is becoming clear to me, but I don't know that I'm the right one. The place is right, the time is right, the knowledges and styles are right...but I feel wrong.

It's been said that when you feel most in over your head that God shows up...if that's true, then why does it feel like He's late?

I can't give up, but I don't see the way out. I'm being counted on, and I'm a nudge short of breaking. My position, the strength and authority I've been granted...they require of me duties that I have to fulfill.

I think what I'm feeling is out of line with what should be. I want things that cannot be, I feel sometimes that I'd rather possess than love, would rather protect and build myself than her. I wish I could say that she's better off having been around me...but I don't know.

I'm not going to go out looking...nor am I going to fall for the first girl to cross my path (so help me God). Nor am I going to completely make it a fortress. I'm always going to have my heart out there, but maybe I can have it behind a rib cage instead of out on my sleeve.

I'm not going to be safe. I've done enough safe for my entire life in these 18 years already.

A mindset focused on the eternal, counter to intuition, means that I pay more attention to the moment, that everything has meaning and significance because of the role it has, because of the ripples I can have on the world long after I'm gone. A dear friend who will remain nameless by request listened to me whine and complain and then gave me a different side on the whole life thing. I don't have to be Spider-Man. I can just be Ryan Movius. I'm not all-powerful, and sometimes I just need to relax and realize the world doesn't rest on my shoulders. I've been taking way too much stuff way too seriously. I can't be almighty, and in all honesty, I don't really want to be.

It's taken a good solid smack to the mindset and a blue streak a mile long from me, but I'm finally making forward motion again. Every time I gain some ground I've got to turn myself around, it's harder than it sounds, every time I gain some ground I've got to turn myself around again. I'm in love with God, I'm in love with winter, I'm in love with everything again. It's the little things, the crisp feeling of cold snowy air, the taste of sushi reminding me of Truman last year, the absurd music erupting from the one speaker attached to my computer (the other one broke). I'm refreshed, re-energized.

To that nameless friend who helped me see the light again, I am grateful. While I will not make any absurd reactions like life-debts or debt of honor...I do owe you one.

In love with life again,

Ryan Movius

Two unsettling realizations
Mmkay. Been thinking lately and realized two things.

First: I will never be fully satisfied with who I am. I will always want to be better; it's like materialism of the spirit: I want to be just that little bit better of a human, just one quality more. I will go to my death (someday, preferably far away, though God's will be done, not mine) wanting to be a better person than I am at that time. It's not a great way to live, but it's what I've got at the moment.

Second: I'm holding out on God. I mean, I know the whole Christianity thing, and I WANT to be fully-devoted, fully letting God run my life...but there's still bits of me that are holding out against that. Holding out, making me feel like I'm trying to have a foot on two sides of a rapidly-splitting canyon. I know I'm not where I want to be, but I don't quite know how to get there--otherwise I'd be there.

Advice, consolation, hatemail...responses of any kind are welcome.

I'm leaving this here in case you see this before you see me, Sarah.
I still love you, even today. It stang to read the full story, at least as much because it reminded me of things I thought I'd left behind, events of my past I would wish away if I could.

We will both need to be cautious and not fall into the same trap with each other, but knowing is half the battle (GI JOE!). I'm willing to leave the events of the past back there, to put my behind in the past. If it becomes important, it can be revisited, but I'd just as soon leave it in the past, drop it and let it free.

Fresh out of pithy quips,
Knight

I haven't written here in some time. I've begun to wonder about this, about the people I know from here, and the people who would check this, and what they would think. I've got some dark times in my past--everyone does--but I'm through them and they are just that--past.

Things have been going rather well lately. Reconciled with a friend--the "Jo" from a few entries ago. Am growing to love a girl I met through this. College is closer to home, but grades are much better. Involved in college ministry in a creative way, and it seems to be blessed by God. Still wish I was back in missouri, but that's a choice I made last year in the things I did and didn't do. Not going to dwell on it. So yes, things aren't perfect, but they're pretty good.

So there's my update. As always, messages for clarity will be returned with answers, explanations, and light-weapons-fire. ;)

Shields up and Swords high,
Knight

It's been quite some time since I last stopped and cried about anything...but, as you might have guessed, there was something.

Why?- Nicole Nordeman

We rode into town the other day, just me and my Daddy. He said I’d finally reached that age,
and I could ride next to him on a horse that of course was not quite as wide
We heard a crowd of people shouting and so we stopped to find out why There was that man that my dad said he loved,
but today there was fear in his eyes

So I said Daddy why are they screaming? Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe? I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows Daddy please can’t you do something?
He looks as if he’s going to cry
You said he is stronger than all of those guys-Daddy please tell me why, why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy and daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy, boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering if there was something that he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out, I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross:

And it said : Father why are they screaming.Why are the faces of some of them beaming?Why are they casting their lots for my clothes??
I bet that crown hurts him more than he showsFather please can’t you do something? I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size, Father remind me why, why does everyone want me to die.When will I understand why?

My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming but soon I will clothe you in robes of my own.
Jesus this hurts me more than you know But this dark hour I must do nothing.
I’ve heard your unbearable cry—the power in your blood destroys all the lies, soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.
Look there below see the child trembling by her father’s side. Now I can tell you why, she is why you must die.

It began and ended
as she desired.
I hope she left me
better than when I met she.
That is my standard
of if I've succeeded or failed.

Everyone lies.
Some lie for love
about who they are, what they've become,
or that they haven't changed.
Some lie to keep everything okay
but the truth will come out anyway.
I still don't hate, and never will.
The cold reality is a bitter pill.
It is now that I've become deranged.

I did her a disservice at least twice
neither one of them was nice
I thought she wouldn't honor the line I drew
and that line bent her towards changing, too.
She is owed, to her from me
A profound apology.
I'm sorry, Char, for drawing the line.
I'm sorry, Char, you won't be mine.
I wish I could say words to make it fine.
I wish...dammit, those two words again.
I told myself I wouldn't use them, but here I am again.
Ah, well. This time for sure, this time it's true.
I'll recover from these things that made me lose you.

...I understand why it is I have been as I am. It's because my self-destructive tendencies lie not with damaging my flesh, but my emotions, my mind, my relationships--with friends and potentially-more-than-such.

I don't know WHY it is I am this way--that will surely come in time. But I understand now, how I have been alone so long, why I've wished upon myself. It's because I tend towards self-destruction.

I think I just feel things more intensely than most people. I don't think how I feel inside can really be communicated to anyone. Maybe it's because the feelings I have only work in fantasies, not the real world.

I promise never until I can leave one better than I found them. I promise I'll leave these things behind, follow after Him. I find myself falling, failing. I find myself short. Why is it that every time I decide to place my hope in something other than my King, it falls flat shortly thereafter? Why is it that I am so easily fooled, such an easy mark?

No, why is not the question. How can I make it not so; now THAT is a question.

As you wish, so it shall be.
If you should ever, you know how to find me.
I do not run to others in fear.
I stand tall when they are near.
Tis when I'm alone that I hide and cry
Tis when all's quiet that I want (ever so little) to fly or die
But as things are, as they stand
I'm immortal against attacks by my own hand.
Whether I'm self-righteous or squeamish
I can't harm my own flesh.

Okay, it doesn't apply, but it seems like a good song, and it used to. 

This Animal I've Become- Three Days' Grace

I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

[chorus]
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever tame
This animal i have become
Help me believe
It's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

I can't escape myself
[I can't escape myself]
So many times I've lied
[So many times I've lied]
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

[chorus]
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever tame
This animal i have become
Help me believe

It's not the real me
Somebody help me tame
This animal I have become
Help Me Believe
It's Not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

[Bridge]
Somebody help me thorugh this nightmare
I can't control my self
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape myself

This Animal..... X 7

[chorus]
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever tame
This animal i have become
Help me believe
Its not the real me
Somebody help me tame
This animal I have become
Help Me Believe
It's Not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
This animal I have become

------------------------
I was an animal. Now I'm taming it, now I'm making it work for me. I was in a nightmare, but I'm waking up. I showed people my darkest side, but now I'm shining His light--I hope.

It isn't entirely tamed yet, and sometimes it breaks loose...but I'm getting it under control.

I'm not what you want, I'm not what you need, I'm not what you love. You'll never again fool me. I will talk to you. I'm free.

You Owe Me Nothing In Return- Alanis Morissette

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I tried to forget you but
You tied bells to your name
And they'd jingle everytime
I thought of you
Without shame
I tried to be unlovable
Why couldn't you do the same?