[shadowfire09]'s diary

1170909  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2019-07-30
Written: (1063 days ago)
Next in thread: 1170918

I could make the effort and write something poetically beautiful, but I'm the only online member in the entire world of ET so Whats the point?
Nostalgia hurts like a bitch sometimes.

1168045  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2014-10-21
Written: (2806 days ago)

You're breaking my heart
it's not even yours to break.
Go to hell.
Your silence is worse than anything
I don't even know which way is up
Fuck you
How could I let you make me feel this way?
Give me my heart back.

1168013  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2014-10-20
Written: (2807 days ago)

Remarkable. That's the word he chose.
Remarkable? That's not a word used to describe me.
Is it?
Ordinary, now that's a word I'm used to.
Forgettable, and there's a word I deserve.
...But he said "Remarkable"
He doesn't even know me.
He's wrong.
How could he be right?
Is he right?
No. I know better.
He said "You're charming."
He's lying. 
I'm awkward at best.
"Why can't you see how wonderful you are?"
Because I'm not?
Am I? Could i be?
God. How does this happen?
How do a few words and a handful of texts.
make my heart flutter. Everytime.
Am I that easily won?
I know the game. I play it well.
But he didn't say "Beautiful."
He didn't say "Gorgeous."
He said remarkable.
It's like he read my mind.
He's just a better player
He doesn't even matter.
He just wants me for a fling.
God. He's absorbed my brain.
This is wrong.
I can't.
I need to put my walls up.
Call the guards of my heart
back to their posts.
I'm calling it war
Game on.
He's too charming to be true.
Still, I can't help it.
I'm dying for it to be real.
My heart can't belong to him.
But he can borrow it for a while
I'll play along, for now.
I'll play until remarkable
becomes boring...predictable.
I'll play along, for now,
until he's not confused.
It's the least I could do
God. I hope he's right.
But he'll never know if he is.
Game on. Game over.
....I wish.

1167684  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2014-10-04
Written: (2823 days ago)
Next in thread: 1167688

So I can't promise that the layout will be good, I typed this on wordpad and pasted it here. I didn't spell check, so deal with that if you want. I'm not sure where this is headed, or if I'll even finish it, but here.:


It could be said that I'm a victim here. I mean, every problem that is blowing up in my face right now is one I didn't even want to be a part of. But I guess when somebody threatens your life you end up going along with whatever they say. It's not that I love my life, but there's just something to be said for our instinct of self preservation.
Okay, I know. You have no idea what I'm even talking about. I'm sorry, sometimes I get ahead of myself. I'm working on it. Let me start from the beginning and hopefully this will all make sense. Okay? Okay.
My name is Denver, and for the first seventeen years in my life, I thought I was a normal human. I can't give you details about my life, because if this got into the wrong hands before I'm finished with it, I'm pretty sure that they would destroy everything even remotely connected to me. I'm going to be changing all of the names of people and places, but that's it. Even my name is changed. I grew up in a decent sized city, and I went to an average sized school. Really, my life was as boring as it got. I lived with my adoptive family, and I had a decent sized friend group. Life back then was simple, but it was good. God I miss those days.
Things changed the night of my eighteenth birthday. I had gone to bed early, feeling unexplainably exhausted the day before. When I woke again, the house was silent. I looked at my alarm clock, and it was blinking 2:13 in what was blaring red light to my sleepy eyes. Frustrated, I rolled onto my side and nestled back into my bed, pulling the blanket over my head like a bonnet and tried to fall back asleep. I thought I saw something move in the corner. Was someone in my room? Suddenly I was wide awake, and terrified to even breathe.  The hairs on the back of my neck stood as though I'd been electrocuted. I could feel eyes pouring over my skin, staring unblinkingly at me. I covered my face in the blanket as stealthily as I could, waiting for something to happen. I swear, I thought my heart was beating so loud it would wake up the entire family. "You're just being paranoid, there's nobody in your room. " I scolded myself, "Take this blanket off of your stupid head and face your fears. You're way too old to be afraid of the dark. Grow up. Act eighteen."
Still, it took me until the count of ten to pull the blanket off of my head. I laid there, my head dangerously exposed to whatever mstery was lurking in the dark. When nothing attacked, I sat up. When I did, it felt like my bones exploded. Every inch of my body simultaneously spasmed, as if I was being jolted with thousands of bolts of electricity. It was easily the worst pain I have ever experienced, and I fell backwards onto my bed in shock. My body took on a mind of it's own, writhing and convulsing endlessly. Every movement was sheer agony, and I rememeber I tried to scream but I couldn't get any sound out, which scared me most of all. Surely I was going to die right then, and I couldn't even yell for help. I don't know how long I laid there spasming, but eventually I must have fallen asleep. Despite what I had experienced, I woke up feeling more rejuvinated than I ever had before. Convinced it was probably just an incredibly realistic dream I rose from my bed. I got dressed, and didn't think of the night's event again.
My mother was the first to wish me a happy birthday. Even though I was adopted, everyone insisted on noting our similarities. It drove me crazy because personally I didn't think we looked alike at all. She had dark brown hair and chocolate eyes, as opposed to my cinnamon red locks and grass green stare. Our noses were similarly shaped, both straight and narrow, but my lips were full and my mother's were a bit on the thin side. My figure was stick thin, as if I was still waiting for puberty to hit, but she had curves most women would kill for, and she knew it. I suppose we are alike in our mannerisms, but that's to be expected. The woman did raise me after all.
She was making breakfast in the kitchen, and she looked up happily as I shuffled in. "Good morning birthday girl!" She said enthusiastically as she pulled me back into a hug. I hugged her back in reply, and my eyes found the feast already on the table. My brother was already seated and digging into a stack of pancakes. He was older than me, but acted far more immature. "Shouldn't the birthday girl have gotten to eat first?" I asked teasingly, slapping him lightly on the back of his head. He rolled his eyes at me with a mouth full of food. "Just because you're the birthday girl doesn't make you a queen." He shot back, tiny pieces of pancakes flying out of his mouth. I raised my eyebrows in disgust at him, but took my place at the table without a retort.
"Dallas. Denver. Please don't start. I haven't even had my coffee yet." my dad grumbled, rubbing his temples. He had been handsome when he was younger. Dallas was often told he was an exact copy of my father, and in this case I had to agree. They both had shaggy, inky black hair, though now my father's was greying at the sides and his previously well toned muscles were gaining a softer edge. He was a stern looking man, but his eyes sparkled when you got him talking. Dad was the kind of guy people respected automatically.  He had never really told us what he used to do for a living, but he had made enough money doing it that he and my mom retired at thirty, and we still lived pretty lavishly. When Dallas and I were younger, we used to pester him with questions, but he would only clam up and his eyes go dark. Ususally he just assigned us some chore to distract us from our questions. All he would tell us about his career is that he was some sort of bounty hunter, and we could never tell anyone. I guess, yeah, it was suspicious but her was our father. How were we supposed to know?
My mom brought the rest of the breakfast to the table, and I helped her before sitting down myself. "It smells so good mom, you didn't have to do this for me." I told her, gushing about the enormous amount of food she had prepared. Dallas chipped in, "The rest of us have to eat too, idiot." I glared at him, but didn't satisfy him with a retort. Mom smiled at me, "It's your eighteenth birthday Denver, it's more special than you know" I raised an eyebrow at her, "Oh...kay?"I looked at Dallas, but he just shrugged and kept eating. I took a bite of pancake and asked, "So when is my surprise party this year?" I leaned back in my chair smugly as my father laughed. "The surprise this year, Denver, is that you don't get a party." he answered with a wink. I laughed back and looked at him, "You say that every year Dad." He took another bite of his breakfast, "This year I mean it." We shared another chuckle, but suddenly his whole demeanor changed.
"Denver, Look me straight in the eyes and don't blink." he commanded sternly. Surprised by his sudden mood swing, I stammered."W-what? Why?" I turned to my mother and Dallas, but noth of them looked equally as startled as I was. My father spoke again, "Now Denver." I gave him a weird look, but did as I was told. I stared at him, holding my eyes open as far as I could. He stared right back, studying my face as if it was the first time he had ever seen it. Abruptly, he broke the stare and left the dining room. My mother watched him go, a worried expression on her face. "Don't worry about the dishes you two, I'll do them today. Just finish eating and keep yourselves busy for a bit." She told us before following my father out of the kitchen.
Neither my brother or I were finished eating so we stayed, eating in silence. Finally, Dallas pushed his plate forward and leaned back in his chair, "Well that was fucking weird."he stated, breaking the quiet. I nodded, and replied, "I know, it's like he'd never seen my face before and it made him mad. Like, what was that about?" My brother shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, maybe he doesn't like your contacts." I looked at him, cocking my head to the side in confusion. "What? Why would he be mad about my contacts? He bought them." Dallas rolled his eyes at me again, "No, Dad bought you regular contacts, not colored ones. I remember the fit you threw when he said you weren't allowed to change anything about yourself until you moved out. Don't you remember that?" He asked. I did remember, but I had no idea why that was relevant at the moment, it had occured a few years prior. "What does that have to do with anything Dallas?" I asked, and he looked at me like I was the stupidest person on the planet. "You're wearing colored contacts right now, idiot. Also, blue is a terrible color for you." He got up, obviously annoyed with me, and left the kitchen as well.
I got up too and rushed to the bathroom to study my eyes. I wasn't wearing colored contacts, I didn't even own any. Once I got to the bathroom I locekd the door so no one would barge in. It took me a while to actually look in the mirror because I was afraid Dallas was right and I had blue eyes now somehow. I took a deep breath in and opened my eyes. I studied them hard, but there was no sign of blue anywhere. They were my same green eyes, just like every other time I had ever looked into the mirror. I laughed as I realized how stupid I must have looked. Of course my family was pranking me, it was a birthday tradition. I didn't really understand the point of the joke, but I guess it was funny that they tricked me into thinking my eyes changed color. Now the I knew there was nothing weird going on, I showered and got ready for the day, making sure to put in some extra effort to look good since nobody would tell me when the party was. They could be stubborn when they wanted to be.
1166770  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2014-08-20
Written: (2868 days ago)

I just typed a whole long diary entry and my fat fucking fingers deleted it because I don't know how to use my new laptop. G. Sus.

1084709  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2009-06-29
Written: (4746 days ago)

I should update update my house. It's been forever. I Think the time I wrote all the stuff on there was in 8th grade. Maybe freshman year. Almost all of the wiki's listed are dead, and I have made different friends on elftown, [The Black Cat in Your Path], and the ones that are listed either we don't talk anymore, or never get on anymore :-(

but i read the bio part and whatnot, and that hasn't changed. How sad is that? I havn't changed since 8th grade. I just graduated...
Screw it. my laptop is screwing with my typing. The cursor keeps moving to random places in the already typed text. Anyone know how to fix it/

1041778  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2008-08-18
Written: (5062 days ago)

wow richard...

you're freaking psychic. that's a little creepy....How did you know we'd like each other?...

I'm missing you guys terribly already!!!! I can't believe we won't see you for another two years...that's freaking CRAZY!!!!

Trying to convince Dan to move in with Matt up here when he turns 18. It would rock. haha. It's a good thing he's got unlimited texting...cuz I'll probably harrass him for like, ever through it.

It was surpisingly even amazing to see Jon again, and really hard to see him go. But he'll be back in three and a half months supposedly, and for good. *I'm a bit nervous about that...*

I've read the second and half of the third book today.

This trip has revamped my energy for doing the books. You have to write every chance you get....

   And you have to call me every week

1040600  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2008-08-09
Written: (5070 days ago)

yes. that's right.

That previous diary, is EVAN admitting that ME! Jade...has beaten him logically.

it is a great day to be jade.

1040599  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2008-08-09
Written: (5070 days ago)

Why so serious? says:
And no matter what, I'm still the nerdy guy. Whatever happens, no matter how much it seems there aren't cliques anymore, with a lot of people you just can't talk to them just because of who you are.
Jadee. says:
What's wrong with being the nerdy guy?
Jadee. says:
you are good looking, youre intellegent, you're smarter than half the human population *don't you dare let that go to your head*
Jadee. says:
and you've got a girlfriend who loves you
Jadee. says:
why do you care about anyone else?
Jadee. says:
that's how i figure things. why bother caring?
Jadee. says:
and when you don't care is when it grabs peoples attention and makes you matter to them
Why so serious? says:
Congratulations, Jade.
Why so serious? says:
You just beat me in an argument.
Jadee. says:
what? no way
Jadee. says:
i didn't know we were even arguing!!! *this is a momentus day*
Why so serious? says:
Jadee. says:
i'm so saving that part of me talking till now. you just watch.
Why so serious? says:
Not necessarily 'arguing', but you just bested me logically
Jadee. says:
nope. from right there!

1039613  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2008-08-01
Written: (5078 days ago)

just fuck....
everything is so messed up and confusign

1035228  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2008-06-12
Written: (5128 days ago)

hey guys,

oh it feels good to be back on the internet. well actualyl it feels good to be able to feel good enough to be able to want to do anything

i got a really bad kidney infection, and ended up in the hospital from tuesday to today *thursday* hopefully i get to go home today...*crosses fingers*

sorry i haven't been chatting tyr...i've missed you...8D
i'll give a little run down of this sickness

friday, i was feelign kinda achy, but nothing serious,

saturday, i was feel achy and nauseous
sunday..felt a little better, but it started to hurt when i peed

monday, i thought i was gonna die, and begged my parents to make me an appointment at the clinic for tuesday

tuesday, I went to the clinic at 1:30...was there till 4, when they told me they were gonna call my mom and put me in the hospital...i had a 103.6 degree temperature, and was so out of it....but in so much pain
so they put an IV in me...*my sisters named it steven....8D* and yeah. sydney and allison and everyone from food and nutrition *where i work* came up to visit me, along with my boyfriend jeremy and thomas.

that night i didn't sleep too well...and i puked a couple times during the day.

wednesday: *yesterday*i had to drink this nasty stuff, becaue i had to get a catscan of my kidneys, was supposed to drink two bottles, i drank 1/4 of the first one...i culd take it. i was feeling way better in the morning, but i still had a 100 temperature, and i couldn't get up wtihout my head killing me...sydney, zach, allison & squeak, jeremy kenzi and gary came up and visted me *at different times* again. i felt loved. but then my temp spiked up to 104 and i honestly thought i was gonna die...
but then it went back down after like two hours...*and alot of medicine*i took two showers that day

today, i feel so much better, restelss though, i really want to get up and run...and i can eat again...but it's only 7:17 in the morning...so we'll see...

1034039  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2008-06-06
Written: (5135 days ago)

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Jade!
Jade can grow up to three feet in a 24 hour period.
The only planet that rotates on its side is Jade!
There are now more than 4000 satellites orbiting Jade.
Jade is 984 feet tall.
Jade can remain conscious for fifteen to twenty seconds after being decapitated!
Europe is the only continent that lacks Jade.
Jade can give birth ten days after being born, and is born pregnant!
Over 46,000 pieces of Jade float on every square mile of ocean!
Worldwide, Jade is the most important natural enemy of night-flying insects!
Never store Jade at room temperature!

1034038  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2008-06-06
Written: (5135 days ago)

Q: Type in "<your name> needs" in the Google search:

A. Jade needs to help thrive again.
   yeah, cuz that makes sense.
Q: Type in "<your name> looks like" in Google search:

A: Jade looks like just another Hex variant until you've made a few moves, work out what's really going on, and your brain has a hernia
  hehehe, brain hernia..

Q: Type in "<your name> says" in Google search:

A: Jade says Holla beeyatch.
    so apparently i'm a gangsta now....Eh, go figure.

Q: Type in "<your name> wants" in Google search:

A: Jade wants a boob job.
    ummm...no. mine are fine, thanks.

Q: Type in "<your name> does" in Google search:

A: Jade Does and impression of the old man on the Grudge 2.
    I've never even seen it. Mahn, i'm AHHH----SOME!

Q: Type in "<your name> hates" in Google search:

A: Jade Hates Flies.
    well, I don't hate them...but they annoy me I guess...

Q: Type in "<your name> asks" in Google search:

A: Jade Asks Charlie what he'd like to be remembered for.
      I bet the answer was "for biting my older brother..."

Q: Type in "<your name> goes" in Google search:

A:Jade Goes to candy mountain.
     Haha, I do have the theme song memorized
        too much time on youtube

Q: Type in "<your name> likes" in Google search:

A: Jade likes pubes.
      yeah, how about not.

Q: Type in "<your name> eats" in Google search:

A: Jade eats babies.
     thomas would love that.

Q: Type in "<your name> wears" in Google search:

A: Jade wears diapers now.
     YES! no more toilet monsters...

Q: Type in "<your name> was arrested for" in Google Search:

A: Jade was arrested for Drink-swingmaking.
    when i figure out what that is, i'm totally doing it

1001800  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-12-30
Written: (5293 days ago)

I hate people with cool names, who have nothing in the bio....or just turn out to be the random shallow nothings that this place has become...

I long for the days when house zapping was actually profitable....where you could house zap and come across some treasure trove of a bio...not just, some stupid, copy-pasted forward ridden lyric filled bullshit...composed by some slutty manwhore who is just looking for cyber sex because they are either can't go out and get anythign real, or they're permanantly horny and can't get enough..either way, not good...

991529  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-11-12
Written: (5341 days ago)

okay. I'm officially a nerd.

And it's awesome. hehe...Yup. that's right..for the first time ever...I, [shadowfire09] has played dungeons and dragons...

and i kicked butt i'd like to say!

hehe...but that was more just lucky dice roleing...

hehe...i was pissing thomas (the dungeon master) off..cuz he couldn't ever get hits on me...cuz he'd always role one less than would let him. *sniggers*....

        though he decided it'd be funny to make me get grouped...seeing as i was the only girl there.

so in this night...kkk W.O.W has been made into a really dirty masturbation joke (thanks bryan) if i was a man, i'd have a 20 inch long penis (fun dice roleing game...with a 20 sided dice. *you ask the die a numer question such as "how long till i die...(which by the way...i roled a 7..and we were going by days...CREEPY!!!!) because jeremy is a pervert....and my boyfriend was kidnapped by the night by bryan and thomas...and i'm not allowed to have contact with him till noon tommorrow.

GAH!!!...oh well...that's quite okay..seeing as i work from freaking 6 in the morning till 2:30 in the afternoon *dies slow and horrible death*

that is, if i kept my job...

I lost my temper at work...everything was breaking down, there were double patients, and we were over an hour behind......

     I was downstairs, so it had nothing to do to me...
but my "supervisor" for the night, who honestly has it out for me..., decided that she would write me up, for negligent behavior, smart-mouthing, and purposly damaging the machinery...

which i wasn't even near. Now, the kicker is...she didn't tell me. Which is way way against the rules..if you get written up by a supervisor, you're supposed to be notified immediatly....

I found out because she left the slip laying on the desk...

asked her about it...she shrugged, and i asked her why she left a slip like that out for everyone to see....*admittedly, i could have been nicer...but under the circumstances...i did pretty well*

her exact words were "well, if it were an important employee and not someone with the intellegence of the dishes she has to wash....i would have. But i didn't even figure you'd know what this said..." as bitchy as she could...


     I hit her.....
          okay. it was more of a bitch slap....but it felt so good. left a pretty good welt on her face too.

stupid stupid bitch...

I lost my temper...and that's why evan (my boyfriend ftwdk *for those who don't know...ftwdk) invited me to play dungeons and dragons...so i could "make fun of him being nerdy..." (which i would never honestly do...but hanging out with him, thomas, jer, and b-ry...there's gonna be slams...(oh and i'm not allowed to call bryan b-ry....hehehe but seeing as i'm lazy and not one of them is on elftown...i'm gonna do it...just to spite them...hehehe) so its' a major anger reliever...

though not one of them expected that i'd actually like the game...and be quick to understand it. it clicked...

and it was fun!!! WHEEEEE

989185  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-11-04
Written: (5350 days ago)

Don't you just love clicking on someone's house, and the first thing you see is either "Fuck off..." or someone flipping off the camera?...It just makes my day to see that human intellegence has been reduced to nothing more than that. oh, but it's simply brilliant when it's both...I mean, the combination of the middle finger and a swear word...they should win the freaking nobel prize for the genious-ness

I mean, don't get me wrong..i swear casually...*sorry to all offended by that* But when you're on the internet...making a description....for people all over the freaking world to see...I should think you'd have a little more to say than "Fuck off bitches..." or whatever...

988119  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-10-31
Written: (5354 days ago)
Next in thread: 988626


I step forward
A faltering chance
Rehearsing to myself,
What I can say.

Short clauses
Stuttering voice
Uneasy stomach
Heartbeat furious

You’re in front of me
I stare in disbelief
I become inarticulate
Can you feel my belligerence?

Furtive effigy
Ineffectual glances
Inscrutable heart
Tacit anger

My statements are festooned in harsh honesty.
Oh, how I would love to see you founder.
This… is… a conspiracy.
You falter to stand upright.

Shattered glass
Bloodied knuckles
Tempestuous coincidence
Dubious encounter

I speak calmly, at first.
Relaying my message,
Then, just as abrupt as a wall,
I shattered the glass of your pride.

I shouted…

My rapt face shined clear.
YOU are a manipulative, ludicrous,
Failure at life,

You think I wouldn’t care?
That’s your problem
Incompetent bastard

I looked at him…
Straight in the face
I stood upright
Finally seeming taller

You, disgust me
I stare in tacit
My incursion harsh
I wish I never would have met you


He opens his mouth as if to speak
Then realizes the intensity of my voice
I pause a moment
As if to take back everything, cry, and apologize.

I look up, after staring blankly into the dirt,
You are an effigy.
Again, I pause to recollect myself.
I look up again.

In the same manner, I begin to speak
First calmly, I never want to see you again
My voice gradually changes in volume
Get… Out… Of… my… FUCKING SIGHT!

I walk away
Calmly I start my stride
Knowing I will never see his face again
Never letting him manipulate me.

No. i didn' t write it. i was house zapping and i came across it...but it rocks.

 The logged in version 

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