2010-05-23 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: This submission will be getting a critique in the next few days ^^

2010-05-23 [Silent Kingdom]: [Madhalf Heatlump] laid back and kinda bluesy, in the spirit of brutality I could maybe say that it doesn't shine or stand out compared to other songs of the same style, though the style also doesn't really demand that... either way, it gets the message across pretty well, and it works well as easy listening.

2010-05-23 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: [Madhalf Heatlump] I really enjoyed the lyrics. I thought them to be heartfelt, really captured the spirit of the subject perfectly. Again, as [Silent Kingdom] pointed out, this was very much a bluesy kind of feel, and I enjoy blues music. The arrangements were good, fitted the lyrics well. I would listen to this kind of genre. There is much in the way of potential for this band.

2010-05-24 [Madhalf Heatlump]: I appreciate very much what both [Silent Kingdom] and [9jlriexqk,ktpk] have said here... and, I figure I'll mention that the song is about the end of a relationship...

2010-05-29 [LynnAnneBrown]: [9jlriexqk,ktpk]I loved the story and the images you were working so hard to paint. My only problem was I could feel how hard you were working. I'd like to see you make them more fluid. Perhaps by not making each part of a description a seperate sentence but finding a way to let one image flow into the next with fewer breaks.

2010-05-29 [LynnAnneBrown]: [9jlriexqk,ktpk]I loved the story and the images you were working so hard to paint. My only problem was I could feel how hard you were working. I'd like to see you make them more fluid. Perhaps by not making each part of a description a seperate sentence but finding a way to let one image flow into the next with fewer breaks.

To Illustrate my idea I have taken what is a lovely scene and reworked it as I might have written it. I hope this meets with your approval.

The original

The girl patted the horse, kissing him on the forehead. She was wearing a long, floating white dress, and soft, white silken shoes. Half her hair was up in a Japanese pin, the rest, hung loose about her shoulders. In her hair, she wore pink orchid in a fringe braided into a plait, worn around her head, like a crown. She wore a white hood too, framing her face like a n exquisite piece of art. The girl’s face, was beautiful, and very youthful. There was something about this girl that was familiar. If a person could be a place, then she would have indeed been ‘home.’

My interpretation of it

The girl kissed the horse, genly petting him, before turning to face me. She wore a long white dress that floated to her feet which were adorned by a pair of equally white silken slippers. Half her hair was drawn up by a japanese pin leaving the rest to flow gracefuly around her shoulders. And tucked into a plait that wound around it like a crown was a pink orchid whose beauty paled in comparison to the one who wore it. And framing it all like an esqusite piece of art was a hood no fairer than the rest of her garments. And emerging from it all was a face, youthful and beautiful and hauntingly familiar. If a person could be a place, then she would have indeed, been "home".

2010-05-29 [9jlriexqk,ktpk]: Thanks very much for the critique! This was just a little experiment I started off,and I take onboards your suggestions very carefully!

2010-05-30 [LynnAnneBrown]: I get that, much of my writing is experimental.