Catoblepas [12-19-09]

"I have something for you,"
I want to say.
"I've been practicing it in the mirror.
It's everything I've ever wanted to say to you
Every sprite d'escalier since man's first regret
All the bitterness and hate I saved for you."
I want to stand straight and proud
And stare you to your knees
broken
sobbing

and now you're standing there
but I can't look at you
but I can't meet your eyes
as the black knot in my throat grows
and my breath comes fast and bitter
I just stare at the ground
cause I can't look at you
I can't look at you
No, I can't meet your eyes
It weighs a thousand pounds
and my neck is about to snap
But I won't forgive you
I won't look at you
Because I can't forgive myself for
No I can't look
I won't look
I wont meet your eyes
So I'll just hang my head
and burn holes into the ground
mindlessly breaking little things

they crumble in my hands
leave red lines across my palms
I don't remember where they begin
but I know where they end
and I won't look at you
no I can't look at you
If I had the strength

If I had the strength
I'd raise my head
I'd wipe away that grin with a stony glare
and with a flash of my eyes I'd kiss your face with a stare
so Death would know which of us to take
If I had the strength
But it's not in me
no, it's not in me
no, I can't look at you
I can't look at you
I can't look at you
I can't
Because it weighs a million pounds
and my neck is about to snap
And I'm grinding belladonna between my teeth
I want to spit it in your face
but I swallow it instead
My cheeks burn and my head sways
and I think,
'maybe this is what dying is like
maybe I WILL die of shame'

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Pnelma's Pen