15 Behaviours of Neurotics
1. Neurotics place an unseemly emphasis on being on time. They will leave the house much earlier than is necessary (after being dressed and ready to go for up to three hours) in order to get to their destination. They then will drive around the block or just sit in the car, listening to the radio, until several other guests are seen to arrive and go inside.

2. Neurotics hate to ask directions. This is particularly true of males, who like to think of themselves as self-sufficient trailblazers even if they are just trying to get to a cocktail party across town.

3. Neurotics daydream about winning the lottery, but they never play it.

4. Neurotics write contentious comments in the margins of books.

5. If there is one chance in a million of making a mistake, a neurotic will not call another person by name.

6. Neurotics have favorite coffee cups that they love beyond reason. Exceptional neurotics will go so far as to take these cups with them when they go out for breakfast.

7. Neurotics make a very big deal out of things like Peter and the Wolf and The Wizard of Oz.

8. Neurotics believe in bumper sticker wisdom. A car that is covered in bumper stickers has a driver behind the wheel whose mind is probably not on the road.

9. The record collection of neurotics are in alphabetical order. No unauthorized hand is allowed to touch these records. No unauthorized dust is allowed to collect on them.

10. Neurotics tend to take up causes that involve whales, stray cats, and baby seals rather than human beings.

11. If a neurotic begins to think about walking while walking down the street (particularly with people watching), he or she will begin shambling and perhaps even lose balance and fall down. Likewise, neurotics are unable to breath properly if they begin thinking about breathing.

12. Neurotics hum or whistle at inappropriate times and places.

13. Neurotics are sure the phone will begin ringing as soon as they are out of earshot.

14. neurotics tend to see omens when others would not. For instance: If the next man who walks around the corner is wearing a hat, it will mean that I can afford to buy the green dress.

15. If neurotics have to get up particularly early in the morning they will set the alarm clock, check it again ten minutes later to make sure it is set, wake up in the middle of the night to check it again (and make sure the electricity hasn't gone off), and then wake up two minutes before the alarm was set to ring anyway.

---

Back to The Private Lives of Neurotics