852-54092 - The Jungles of Tafwocum

The wombat turned, its hightly sensitive nose sniffing the air in search of its prey's scent. It smelled apples. It turned its head to the side, searching for another scent. It smelled a snake. It moved a third time, and smelled stamps¹. It moved a final time, and picked up the trail again. It leapt throughout the trees, dived through bushes and soared through the air at its prey, WBR² at the ready. Then its head exploded as Josh shot it with his Jxcrik silenced Jungle-Zapper 37K Mark VIII Aqua-Blaster³. A second wombat, in a nearby hedge, drew his WSR⁴ and took aim at Josh's head. seventy-three hundredths of a second later it also died horrifically as Matt ripped out its skull and beat it to death with it..
"Where the hell did they come from?" yelled Matt.
"It's interesting you should ask that," replied the one known simply and sinisterly as Jez, blowing away three heavily-beweaponed wombats with a shotgun. "It's a long story, but basically, due to time travel, movies can be recorded, edited, then sent back in time to before it was made. That way, you can make an infinite number of movies with the budget of one, because you can spend the money an infinite number of times."
"That would create a massive paradox..." said Josh, liquifying seventeen wombats in one fell swoop.
"Yeah, but that's the movie industry for you..."
"How does this have any relevance to the current forest/wombat/certain death situation?" asked Matt, stabbing an assailant in the jaw with a sharpened banana.
"I'm getting to that."
"Skip to the end..."
"Long story short, these wombats are extras for a Terminator movie that got lost in the time/space continuum."
"A little before the end than that," said Matt, cutting a wombat in half with an electric bread knife.
"You try thinking of an infinite number of Terminator scripts without involving an army of evil and heavily beweaponed wombats in any way."
"Dear god..." murmured Josh.
"Exactly. So, you get the point?"
"Erm... yeah," said Josh.
"Yes," said Matt. There was a bright flash of light.
"No," said Steve.
"Steve, what the hell are you doing here?" demanded Josh. "You're meant to be watching the ship!"
"I was," said Steve, "but then a load of small furry things started shooting me and I left."
There was a long and horrified silence⁵.
"This is no random and frenzied wombat attack!" said Matt frantically. "There's a more powerful intelligence at work..."
"We need a way off this planet first," said Josh. "But first... we have an evil and heavily armed wombat army to kill." Steve picked up a Blast-A-Lot 17K assault rifle, and turned to the others. He smiled.
"Lock and load."
"Steve, you've got your gun the wrong way round..." said Matt.
"Shut up, Matt. I'm not a total idiot."
"Another wave of them! Looks like a whole platoon!" yelled Jez.
"Where?" Josh turned, searching for them.
"9 O'Clock high!" replied Jez.
"Let's roll..." said Steve. He hefted the weapon onto his shoulder, took careful aim and shot himself in the shoulder.
"Amateur." said Jez, throwing one of his special anti-wombat grenades into the midst of the approaching platoon. Many of them suddenly collapsed, writhing around in pain as their eyes melted and their internal⁶ organs suddenly turned into Marmite™. Matt and Josh stood side by side, in the face of the approaching torrent of furry death. Matt smiled.
"Say hello to my massive massive friend," he said.
"Hello, massive massive friend," came a small voice from Steve, slumped in the corner.
"I wasn't talking to you!" snapped Matt irritably, and blew the hell out of the approaching wombat platoon.
"Neat," said Josh. "Jez, where are the keys to the Jazz?"
"Steve's got them," said Matt.
"Steve, can I have the keys to the Jazz?"
"Erm... not right now."
"Why not?"
"I swallowed them."
"Great. Nice. Why do we let you come with us?"
"Because of my devilish handsomeness."
"Oh yeah."
There was a silence.
"So... what now?" asked Matt.
"There's a service station over that ridge," said Jez.
"Moto or Welcome Break?" asked Josh.
"Moto."
"OK, let's go there." The three of them picked up Steve and started up the ridge, shooting wombat assassins as they went.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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¹ The Jungles of Tafwocum are in fact the ancient ruins of the Vinreqzk Stamp Museum, voted least attractive tourist destination 57,837 times in a row.
² Wombat Battle Rifle.
³ Ironically, though one of the most deadly weapons ever created, this gun can be bought at any Toys 'R' Us for £29.999, and has caused more 10-year-old birthday parties to result in death for all involved than anything else ever created.
⁴ Wombat Sniper Rifle.
⁵ Penetrated only by the bloodthirsty cries of a thousand starved and psychopathic wombat warriors.
⁶ And external...

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<Link to Part II will be inserted here>
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