~:A History of Ashia:~

^{This history was written by my good friend Dylan, and not myself. Some of my influence has gone into this, but it is still the work of Dylan Payne, and not Ashlee Archer.}

A Note on the text contained herein: This is entirely a work of fiction. The country of Ashia does not actually exist, nor is this an attempt to create an independent country. It was created solely for entertainment purposes, with the idea of Hetalia in mind, actually. I ask that you please keep the country-persona idea of Hetalia in your mind's eye as you read this. That is, imagine this is part of the show. It will make it even more entertaining. Please enjoy!

---

---

Ashia: tiny land, tiny people, big love.




Intro.
When you look out towards your next adventure, or well earned rest, often a sun soaked beach or winter wonderland might be your cup of tea.
For some, the thought of strolling along the high street or taking in the culture might be just as rewarding.
Ashia dose not have any of this.
But do not despair! As you will see from this guide, Ashia has something more: it is a sea of beauty in the Baltic, an island of peace on the continent.
Also, it has the finest lady boys this side of Bangkok!
But I am getting ahead of myself, Ashia’s deep history, engrossing culture and often poorly understood way of life makes it one of the most sought-after locations for industry, science, and the arts, as well as countless others who seek a new life in this small yet abundant isthmus nation.
So let us begin with the facts, and soon you will understand the motto of Ashia:

“Everything is in better scale, when you’re on your knees.”


At A Glance.
Full name: The Democratic Republic of Ashia (formerly the S.A.R.D: Socialist nation of Ashia that is also a Republic that is Democratic…the locals at the time really wanted a good sounding acronym)

Founding: Ancient times, most likely after the Greeks gave up on the same-sex hanky-panky (read below)

Modern Founding: 1725, after the battle of WAAH!, Republic formed 1923, current state 1991

Capital: Ashtoplis, would be one of the oldest cities still inhabited but for the fact that it has been abandoned close to 30 times by the time of this guide.

Government: Republic, headed by a figurehead dictator known as “El Bomba” (“Oh well it sounds better when you say it like you're from Spain.”)

Population: Unknown, due to the massive flux of movement in the nation. Most likely close to one million, maybe less, maybe more, depending on what the restaurants have as their “pick of the week” and when the next shipment of Japanese adult comics is due.

Religion: Unknown. All churches, mosques and synagogues in the city fail and are turned into themed night clubs within 2 years. (By the way, “Water into Wine" is a great place after 6, no minors, no cameras.)

Export: Ice cold Pepperoni Frozen Pizza, Grandma Lulu’s ball gags and other fun-time wears, Smut-in-a-Jar, and an open mindset that is poorly copied by the more risqué brothels of Paris and Amsterdam

Import: 50,000 different type of Japanese adult literature and movies, heavily imports fruits of all sorts (to create the world famous “Eh…” perfume, morals (a concept that is taking poor hold in Ashia and is seen by most to be a fad)

Currency: Euro, formerly the Ashian Poke


Geography.
Ashia is in a rather odd spot for a country, sitting in the Bonius isthmus, a bit of land stretching from the two small states of Latvia and Lithuania along the coast. The strip of land is mostly plain and, up to a few centuries ago, prone to flooding. To the north, on the border is two high rises often called the “Land Lumps” (In Ashian it sounds much more poetic), and to the south, near the other border is a heavily wooded area known as “Hedge land” (In Ashian…it sounds the same), with the capital in the centre of these two features.
Ashia has no river. However, while half its country looks out to sea, not too far on the other side is a massive lake that provides the drinking “water.” Lake Twang (Archer in English…get it? Twang? Archer?…no?) is twice the size of Ashia and is used to distill the national drink, Blue Vodka (read below).


Climate.
The same as the other Baltic states with slightly more dry spells and occasional flooding.



Transport.
One main road cuts into Ashia from south to north. It is known as the “Trail” and is joined by the Russian built Rail system, seldom used as the nation is so small. Often trains from its neighbours make use of it more then the local network.

---

A history of Ashia.

1. My big fat Greek ancestors.
You might find it odd that Ashia’s history begins so far south, but most good things do.
It was the time of the Greek city states, then it was not as Philip II and Alexander the Great saw to it that oppressive monarchy replaced the limited freedoms some middle class people had.
While Greece was still Greece in many ways, the more stubborn Macedonians saw to it that their ways of looking at the world were imposed. Less poetry and more head smashing would be about right.
With this in mind they looked to the most openly “Poetic” of the population in the newly conquered territories, those who “Liked to go to the Gym a lot” (if only they knew what their king was up to in Persia).
With this in mind, they gathered 60 men and 60 women who flew that way and nicely asked them to think about having kids (it was most likely that those women they added were the sort of Lesbian that did not let you watch and had very short hairstyles).
When they were surprisingly refused, the Macedonians tossed them on board three ships and told the captains, “To sail out and then north, as freezing cold would sap that passion out of them!”
With much fanfare from the women who had been turned down by the men and the men who had been turned down by the women, the three ships left Greece and sailed out of the Mediterranean with their fruity cargo.
The trip was long, but no one died due to the practice of being well groomed among the male prisoners, and the toughness of the women.
However this would not last when, passing close to the shore, the passengers saw to their horror how long some of the beards on the locals were.
A plan was hatched and while near the end of the voyage, they attacked their captors.
With all the good men in Greece fleeing war elephants in India, the guards were hardly worth their pay and fell easily. The only casualty of the passengers was one man who had got a hangnail in the fight, and would not shut up about it.
Now came the trouble. Even though many on board knew sailors very well, they had no idea how to control the ships, which now drifted and smashed into a long strip of land in a very scary looking part of the world.
They had arrived in Ashia.
But their troubles did not stop there.
At once an awkward thought came into the minds of the two groups leaders, Saros of the women and Armox of the men.
They could not get home, this was pretty simple. They would have to make a city. Only trouble is that would require children...and that was NOT going to happen.
With that in mind, a paranoia set in the two camps, made from the wood of the ships and the large amount of trees to one side.
The men believed, as they learned how to actually act like adults, that the women’s “Motherly urges” would kick in and force them to breed with them.
At the same time, gay or not, the women believed that the men’s urges for sex would take over and they would try to rape the women.
The two sets of simple buildings looked at each other for years, while the inhabitants tried to survive and not kill each other.
True trouble erupted when the women discovered the water they had been using in the lake could be turned into a powerful drink. Lacking wine for years, the men demanded they share this information with them. The women, drunk and up their own asses, refused.
So began the first and only civil war of Ashia.
At night the men would attack, and the women would counter-attack in the morning. The first of them died, and soon more and more joined them.
At first the two group's leaders supported and helped plan these raids, but as they watched their numbers dwindle, they tried to call for peace.
Neither side believed they were loosing and kept it up.
Finally only Saros and Armox were left, their kin buried in the earth around their now dead city, Ashtoplis.
With horrid realization, the two set up a home in the middle of the two groups of buildings.
There they talked, and reflected.
And fell in love.
For the rest of their days they cared for each other, until they both died of old age, childless but happy.
Ashtoplis was a dead city, but not for long.
These original people did not write down this story, so it would be lost forever, if not for the prying eyes of a people who had lived there for much longer.
With curious but cautious steps, the small band of small people walked into the quiet town.
The Ashians had found a new home.


2. Tiny people, big history, funny hats.
The first of the Ashians to move in was Katiar, the head of the small tribe of short Slavic people that could be related to any number of groups in the area, and most likely were, as the Ashians were known for their love of rolling around in the hay.
They had been watching the Greeks and knew their history. In fact some would say over the years they used it as a sort of soap opera, enjoying peeking into peoples windows to see them at it.
With this in mind, they buried the last two and took to claiming their home as the seat of their new kingdom.
Unlike the Greeks, the Ashians enjoyed sex between men and women, but also were very open when it came to boundaries. Friends often would hook up when the urge took them and as a result, they had a good sized population, or would if they did not wander off to other tribes. But enough stayed together to be able to put the now empty city to good use.
Not warlike, but enjoying spoils all the same, the Ashian people took over Ashtoplis and changed it overnight from an ad-hoc town, to an ad-hoc town with a few fields around it and a wall, and back then that was saying something!
Despite this clear example of civilization, the world to the south did not care when traders came and declared they were from the great kingdom of Ashia. To them, they were still filthy barbarians from the north, only difference is that they humped more often and were rather short.
Still enough word came down to the now growing Roman Empire to send an envoy to meet them.
The journal of the now famous Timos the Younger gives us insight into this time of the Ashian people, and can be found in Government House’s historical department (right next to the all you can eat buffet and the hot pants store).

“The Ashian king welcomed us to his town with a feast. We had been on the road, then off it, for so long we jumped at this opportunity.
What we got was some rather small chairs, cups and cutting knives. The portions were, however, very large, and we were shocked to see the somewhat small Ashians eat so much. I asked the king about his people and he told us the whole history of the place.
At first I found it quite funny, then somewhat strange when he failed to mention any sort of war or attack by other peoples, as every nation on earth has warred at least once. Why in Rome, thanks to the arena we don’t have to go a day without seeing peoples heads lobbed off.
I also thought it strange when I asked about their gods. They said they had none, rather they have a very odd way of looking at things that can be summed up by “If your religion is right, then good job, but if we are right, then guess what, you have been slaughtering goats for noting!”
All my worries went away once I had some of the local drink. “Blue water” they call it. It tastes quiet refreshing, but hits you rather quick and so you find yourself giggling like someone who has been blessed by Apollo (A.N: a Roman term for the mad).
I also found myself, as did the rest of our men...rather...amorous towards the locals, which was returned. Often they would do things to us if we simply let them try on our helmets. They also found much joy to giggle over some of the troops due to their “Skirts” as they called them. Most of these giggling were women and found the idea of a man “In women’s clothing” most enjoyable. The men did not care. As I stated before, something was making us rather itchy in the loincloth region...the king, when asked about this, told me that the dead Greeks were buried under their farmland, as such their “Love of love” has seeped into the crops or was eaten by the dozens of animals that graze around the city.
Frankly I was a bit worried, until I met this darling young thing, whose name I will not mention, introduced me to her equally darling friends, all of whom were unmarried and seem to enjoy my company.
I may need sometime to observe these strange people from the north.”

As it turned out, only his writings remained. None back in Rome heard of the men of “Timos’s folly” again. The Ashians have always claimed their love of all things Italian came from that group, and they spent the rest of their lives very happy, and being very social.
As it turned out however, this was the last time anyone took note of Ashia for centuries. The Dark Ages that followed Rome’s end were not happy ones. No record exists for the fate of Ashia. It oddly did not get attacked by the hordes due to its location and the fact they did not print their rulers heads on big gold coins as a sign saying “We are rich, we are easy money.”
However once Ashia comes into the spotlight again, it stays there.



3. Always remember, you can bite it off if it goes in your mouth
“A small bit of land, most likely of little value, locals hetaeristic, do not know God or the glory of the Church, will show them or they will die, good looking women.”
These were the words of a Imperial Priest on Ashia, the first written account in centuries. He had just returned from Russia, trying to convince them to gang up on Poland (Oh wow, I bet Germany and Russia will never do that again).
Following this, the Teutonic Knights were sent out, as this area of Europe was under their control.
These knights were famous for killing Slavic pagans, and fellow Christians if they got in the way, and so as they marched into Ashia, their winged helmets brining fear to the local and very drunk farmers, the King would have been rather scared.
If he was alive. The fact was however at this stage, Ashia’s king had just died, leaving it to his Queen, a women who was not scared of some men in fancy dress, and wanted to prove this.
Born and raised by a collection of mothers and fathers (the social life of an Ashian is rather hard to explain, let's just put it down as “free for all” with the odd exception of actual love) and was raised by strong women who took their lifestyle choices from the Greek founders. So while looking rather attractive, she was actually a cold and heartless bitch who knew how to deal with men.
Inviting the heads of the attacking army to her palace, she “Entertained” them with her slaves, and as some say, herself.
When this was done, and the knights were ready to leave, they found their armour and clothes were gone, as were their weapons.
The guards attacked them, but did not kill. Rather they knocked them out and began to paint them red, attaching tiny horns and tails to them before sending them back to their waiting, stupid, and pious army, the queen at their head.
She spoke to the attacking army, telling the frightened troops that their leaders had been exposed as demons, but thanks to her, they had been captured and now awaited holy justice at the hands of the army of god.
Without question, or sensible leaders, the army attacked and butchered their leaders and went on home.
This was only one of the “Trickster Queen's” many successes against invading armies. These included creating a pump that sprayed a German army with the blue vodka, getting them totally drunk and useless to stop the small force of Ashia from killing them. Also another where they claimed to a Russian army that they were not Ashia, and instead Ashia was to the south. Oddly this worked, and Russia and Prussia went to war.
After her death, a sense of “its not worth it” came over Europe, and Ashia became a footnote, always keeping everyone happy, always being their neighbours' friends, if only so they could practice sodomy and heavy drug usage in peace.
This was often considered a golden time.



4. Pizza Day
By the time of the enlightenment, Ashia had been pretty much as it was from the start, small and hardly noticed by the world around it.
One huge change was how the Ashian people saw the world. They wanted to see it all, and often started in Italy, where one of the finest moments in the history of the nation happened.
To an Ashian, Pizza Day was a day that they might as well have been there themselves.
It started with a mission of trade. Ashian merchants brought over a collection of things they could sell to the bankers of the world at that time, Venice.
However Ashia had nothing in particular of note. The Blue Vodka was good, but it could not be made fast enough. Also the process of Smug was not invented yet.
On return home, crestfallen that they could not trade like the pros, they stopped off in Milan. This is odd as it would have been quicker to take a boat home there and then, but in hindsight it was for the best.
One of the party members, Lestall, was feeling hungry, and looked around hoping for a good meal in one of the stalls.
There he smelt it, that cheese and sauce.
He rushed back and urged his friends to come see.
It was Pizza, and to an Ashian, it was the food of the gods.
They were delighted and bought up as much of it as they could to take home.
However, something happened on the way back on their ship.
The pizza went off. Weeks on board was just too long for it to last and it went dry and moldy.
Crestfallen, the Ashians tried to remake it back home.
People gathered outside the bakery, Jimpos, as he tried again and again to get it right, but each time they tested it, the Ashians who had tried it fresh rejected it.
Jimpos was outraged. He was famed for making famed “rump cake” and thought it could not be so hard to make this “Piz-z-za” so he actually traveled to Italy and saw and tasted for himself.
Returning home, he said nothing, but closed up his shop and vowed on that day to become an inventor.
“It was, pure glory, but we cannot make it in our humble ways. We must find a way to make it survive the long trip back home. To this end I will learn the arts of invention and find a way to bring fresh pizza to your lives.”
He died three weeks later due to lack of food and shelter. Dreams still have to eat too, you know...
It was now the duty of every Ashian to travel to Italy and partake in Pizza at least once in their lives, and soon the route from Ashia via boat became so well known the nation actually flourished.
This was rather a bad thing, as an old neighbour who had just lost a great amount of power was taking notice.
Lithuania had once been joined with Poland, and was considered a powerful nation.
This changed in a series of wars that ripped the country apart, knocking apart the alliance and sending the smaller of the two into meltdown.
Looking for any source of money, glory, or victory in general, Lithuania found very quickly the huge numbers of ships moving in sight of its coast a very clear sign that Ashia was growing fat.
Worried that Russia would move in, or that, even worse, Ashia might want a chunk of land for itself, they moved their battle-worn army to its southern border, the Hedge land.
Ashia was worried. Most Lithuanian people knew not to trust an Ashian outside the bedroom, so the nation that sprung the Trickster Queen would need to stand and fight.
Only one problem there: the Ashian army was tiny, far too tiny, without horses or cannons.
What it did have was a fantastic defense in its make up.
There is no narrow point in the isthmus Ashia rests on, but with a lot of hard work a huge trench was made from one side of the nation to the other, and the army hid in that.
The Lithuanian army moved out of the forest and found a massive ditch welcoming them.
However the commander of the army laughed, as he knew for a fact that he just had to wait for rain, so he camped his army in clear sight of the defending Ashian forces.
In a day he was proven right. The battle of WAAH! had begun.
The rain quickly filled the lake up. Lake Twang burst into the ditch and the defenders rushed out, rushing right into the enemy camp.
It was panic. While the commander knew this would happen, he did not know when, and it was nighttime. As such, it was total bedlam in the rain. The only way to tell friend from foe in the dark was guessing the tones of the voices. For years after the battle “WAAH!” was considered the watchword and the name stuck. However even today, the Ashian people are tiny and it’s far more likely they told themselves apart from the Lithuanian army by how tall they were.
The one plus they had was that they had run into the Lithuanian camp with their guns, while their enemies were mostly asleep.
They ran back into the forest and over the border, being chased all the way, and the battle was over in a few moments.
It is hardly noted by Lithuania, who called it “The battle of the Ditch” but they had been dealt another blow, and this did not help their position. Soon they would fall apart totally, while Ashia grew in power, and more importantly it was now respected by the world enough to be considered an actual nation, rather than an “other” place.
So it was that the first of the modern states of Ashia was founded, and it entered another happy time in its history. It was now, however, considered a true nation, and it had to act like one, which for a nation famed for keeping the age old tradition of orgies and “Cake Sex” alive (a concept that has been lost to history, but since it included a melon and a set of steel pliers, it mite be for the best) this was going to be tricky.
So the do-gooders and the religious extremists came to Ashtoplis and begin to deal their trades, while the government learned the value of secrecy and discretion, as did the bulk of the population.
In fact, it became a new craze at the start of the 19th century to hide as much as possible from the prying eyes of the outside world.
Wife swapping became “long weekends at friends' houses," Opium smoking became “a new type of scented candle,” and slavery...did not happen. The lack of American interest in Ashia meant that as soon as slavery was abolished in Europe, they caught up with the open ideas of Ashia. In fact when a ship carrying a free African came to dock once, the whole city lined up to gaze at him, wondering why he had bothered to cover himself in chocolate if someone was not going to lick it off.
But soon every foreign priest or ex-pat wanting to make Ashia more like England found themselves forgetting their worries in a sea of smoke or vodka, and the world as a whole just sort of enjoyed the tiny nation. It was not going to force its thoughts down others’ necks, and often people lost the urge to do so to them.
Ashia was respected as a backwater country with very enjoyable perks, and for the Ashians that was just fine.



5. “Sure the Communists are boring, but they brought us frozen Pizza!”
By the end of the 19th century, the world was moving into a state of turmoil that mostly came from middle class 20’s with too much time on their hands and too many trips to coffee houses.
The French had killed their King and then realized that was a dumb idea, and got an Emperor to make up for it, then had another change of heart and government.
America started to feel bad for the Blacks and slapped around the southern states until they felt the same.
A young woman sitting on a throne in the UK made sure her namesake Age would be known for trains, factories, gin and cockney slang.
And in Ashia, like all of Eastern Europe, trouble was brewing. In Russia they were sick of being stuck to the land and owned by the ruling class. After all, their land was ugly and their rulers just as bad.
In Austro-Hungary, the rulers tried to order around 20 or so different people, then shot them because they did not speak the same language.
Germany was doing a victory dance over France by becoming one massive nation.
And Ashia was having a crisis, often called “The Morning After” as dozens of young people, sick of not being able to rebel against their elders by being wild, instead became conservative.
These young people looked outside Ashia and its delights to the changing world, and then looked back to see a nation that was happy to drink, eat and sleep all day long without worrying about tomorrow.
With growing anger they looked to religion, but found that was already “So last one thousand years ago,” and the new idea was Communism.
With glee they snatched it up, becoming a new party in Ashia’s Monarchy, which would make it the only party in the state.
They tried to gather support, but no one could see why things needed to change. They were happy in Ashia. WWI had broken out and watching the Russians, Austrians, and Germans blowing each other up just down the coast in Poland did not convince them it was a smart move to act more “Civilized”.
There was no oppressive Church, as after a century the idea to hide your goings-on from the small band of still-loyal priests was long gone, and they openly flaunted whore houses across the street from the Churches.
The Royals were actually doing a good job. It was not like the small royal family had to manage a massive empire. A few hundred farms, fishing, small factories and light tax work meant the Ashian Royal family did their job well enough to shut up any idea of an elected government.
People were too drunk, stoned, or horny to care if they had equal share to the higher ups. After all, they reasoned, if you were rich you would just buy those things anyway.
The Ashian Communist Party was flushed out of the state by an angry mob in 1918 and sent into Russia, which was in a state of Anarchy akin to taking pain killers and bleach at the same time.
But for now, things looked better than ever. People journeyed to Ashia from war-torn Europe on trips to forget the sights of war, and often stayed. Now Russia was no longer in charge of the Baltic states. Tiny nations like Ashia bordered her, rather than a looming nation looking for a quick kill.
And Ashtoplis saw in 1921 a new rail link, their first airport, and could proudly boast electricity in every home (not hard in a nation that small). Not even the Wall Street crash mattered to them, as they did not trade on the stock markets, but rather small scale shipping somewhat like “come one, come all, then we are done.”
But by the 30’s things started to look bad. Hitler was not a nice man and saw even the Ashians as sub-human. In fact, the Nazi’s saw them as the following:
“A people of drug addicts and sexual deviants. Rather then preparing for the future, they wallow in the here and now. No idea of religion, no idea of race other then how tall someone is...can they not tell who is better, black or white? German or anyone else?...their vodka is rather fine however, and after we have killed them off we should start bottling it en mass.”
Stalin was little better, seeing Ashia as a speck of dust that mocked him by being the only country still lead by a king in the Baltic.
But ironically, the Baltic states were good blocking forces. Of course that is like saying you will stop a tank by holding up a paper towel as a shield, but it dose help you sleep at night.
Finally when Hitler invaded Poland, Stalin invaded the Baltic nations.
Each state was swallowed whole by the massive Soviet machine.
Ashia was not even instructed to surrender. It learned of the invasion by boats landing in Lake Twang and tanks rumbling down toward Government House.
The last king of Ashia fled, but not before he took 300 bottles of Blue Vodka with him “For the trip." But when the ship was loaded up and set off, they were packed up on top of each other in the hold, and when he came and took one to drink, he chose one from the bottom.
He was crushed under 300 bottles of vodka, and since became known as the only monarch ever to die under the weight of his own stupidity (this has been argued by countless historians, but none can say it’s not rather poetically apt).
People awoke to find the Church was gone, the royals shot and the funfair over.
The Soviet Union had come to spoil the party, and at its head was the Ashian Communists, who had some very big grudges to settle.


(TBC)