Part of Kings Of Random

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A SAGA FOR THE NEW MOLENNIUM

[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] It was on a hot and balmy day in the country when
[11one11] upon looking out of the window in his small Vieniesse apartment Mr Fillatittle noticed a hot air balloon floating gaily over the rooftops.
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] Whimsically, as if in a dream land of some sort, perhaps inhabited by a kind of small impish servant of the goated one, he reached out t'wards the hot air balloon, hoping to stroke its curved edges or at the very least warm his rump by the burning fire. What Mr Fillatittle did not account for, however, was the sheer distance away from his hands the hot air balloon was, and as a direct result Mr Fillatittle plummeted out of his window, down onto the busy Viennia streets.
[The Once and Future King] The streets of the remarkable town of Viennia were to be credited not only for the incredible variety in clientele that populated the bustling metropolis but also the many types of radish which grew wild in the streets. The ruling person or persons (as yet this will remain unclear so as to maintain an air of suspense within the legal guidelines presented by the Online Narrative Association) had long since failed to control this phenomenon and Viennia was now as well known for its abundant crop of wild radishes as the many other distinguishing features of the city. Indeed the saying “When walking in Viennia it is not only a radish which….
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat]....attracts your attention and gives you a bit of a stiffy. The grass does this too." The AAAAAAAAA Tour Guide To Random Cities Of The Globe And The Sticky Out Bit Near Canada goes on to say "Viennia is truly an elysium, a paradise city, where the girls are green and the grass is pretty." Mr Fillatittle was about to experience this first-hand, as he had just landed on a large pile of the stuff. Grass, not girls. He instantly began rubbing it across his face and making noises a man of his disposition should not be making. "Ginger snaps and hairy bosoms, my old friend!" he cried. Why was he crying this? Well, you see...
[11one11] in order to fully explain this we must journey back to a time some fourteen years ago when Mr Fillatittle was considerably younger, some fourteen years younger infact. It was in these days of uncertain sexuality and experimentation with illegal substances (such as anthrax) that Fillatittle discovered what he instantly deemed to be the love of his life. One night when struggling hme from a year long cocaine fuelled bender he stumbled upon an interesting sight....
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] ....emblazoned on the inside of his underwear, which was worn on his left forearm, as was the style at the time. This was not just any stain, though, dear friends. This was a map. A map of the deepest, darkest jungle desert frozen wasteland. Mr Fillatittle looked closer, and in the centre of the map was a beautiful damsel in distress, screaming for help as all good damsels should do. Mr Fillatittle decided to venture into the unknown and retrieve this lady, then lock her up in a cupboard so she wouldn't go and find a better man than him. He stocked up on the essentials, such as heroin and pornographic literature, and set off on his great journey.
[11one11] Like all good journeys his began at the bank. And has he sat by his cash machine with one hand holding a delicate rosebud he realised that he was a man born for the road. As the sun beat down on the travellers face he felt its heat and warmth but he also felt its...
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat]...heat and warmth. And realised that it burned like a thousand fires. Mr Fillatittle then realised that he was in fact surrounded by a thousand fires, and it was not the sun at all, because it was actually snowing gently. Mr Fillatittle stepped away from the bank, confident he had exhumed enough money from the hole in its wall (the one marked 'SAFE: DO NOT OPEN, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF BOB DO NOT OPEN') and began to frolic in the snow. He was soon joined by....
[Jarlaxle] Lord Lucan who was tell in for the 4560th time how he was actually.....
[Carlito Caribbean Cool]...a rather fetching top hat. Finally Mr Fillatittle acquiesced to Lucan's demands and perched the peer upon his head. They frolicked in this manner for some time until one remembered they had a quest to undertake.
[Jarlaxle] Which was of course....
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat]....something neither man could remember at this point. "What was it we had to do?"
"I honestly cannot recall..."
"Damn and blast!"
"It's on the tip of my tongue....."
[Jarlaxle] Lucan says "Well i ahve not read the rest of the thing old boy!!! Was it to do with radishes?"
[Carlito Caribbean Cool] "It may have, dear Lord, it may have! But I believe", and Mr Fillatittle emphasised this with a curious tickling dance and a feather boa, "I believe, this whole thing is a flashback! I propose we leave this mess right now, and let [11one11] figure out what is going on!"
[Jarlaxle] "Indeed" said Lucan as he poos on Mr Fillatittle's head.
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] "Lucan, please!" cried Mr Filatittle. "Next time do it in my mouth!" he said as he put his hands on his head and then licked them.
[El Cid] - He got up and left. Followed by three blind mice. These were cut down in a violent gang incident when they started hostilities with the notorious three deaf gerbils. "raaaaaaaah!!" shouted the deaf leprechaun as he hurtled overhead. "oh my" people gasped as it did so. He then....
[Jarlaxle] saw Lemmy entering the area/ room/or other location, he was having a rather, hard, yet flaccied sandwich made from the flesh of one of those crappy rapper folks who was saying how much he hates black people.
[11one11] So to recap, Mr Fillatittle, a resident of the fine city of Viennia, was embarking on an epic quest some fourteen years previously in order to rescue a damsel in distress. This quest is being told in full in order for us to understand why he cried "Ginger snaps and hairy bosoms, my old friend!" to a patch of Vienniesse grass.
In ensuing chaos Mr Fillatittle and the infamous Lord Lucan fled from the bank, believing they had left the strange rodent fighting and Lemmy far behind. Their first port of call on their epic quest was the town of Rilathan, or amble as it is often called. Looking at his map Mr Fillatittle discovered he was in need of a good fisherman. He approached the quayside and removing Lord Lucan and traces of excrement from his head he bowed low to a fisherman saying......
[Carlito Caribbean Cool] "come and get me haddock and troot." For this was the very same fisherman that was thanked in the first Ode To Piwi Herman. Mr Fillatittle had continuity problems and so passed this fisherman by, and looked forth to the next one, who appeared to be leaning forward from the front of her ship. This fisherman was in fact a fisherwoman. "Excuse me, sir, but could we have use of your ship?" asked Lucan, before dropping his breeches and excreting on the path. Lucan was immediately accosted by several members of the local Parish Council, who accused him of degrading the look of the bunting. As Lucan was dragged away screaming "It's the WI! They're after me! Hay-elp!" Mr Fillatittle had climbed aboard the ship with the fisherwoman. They set sail for wherever it was they wanted to go. It had been three days, when Mr Fillatittle realised two things. 1. There was no food. 2. The fisherwoman was a wooden decoration, and 3. ...
[Jarlaxle]..... the only other living creature on the boat was a ten foot by seven foot table called, oddly enough Lord Lucan (this was due to [Jarlaxle]'s displeasure at the fact that he had lost his other Lord Lucan to the WI in a unlooked for plot twist). The table was unable (ooooo rhym) live with out the aid of a colestomy bag because of the former boat's owner who was a whale and as we all know whales have large gentlemen friends and this particular whale was a fan of buggering tables.
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] Although I imagine having the table buggering you would be far simpler, this was not how this, say, foxy gentleman of a whalewould have it. But back to the ship. Mr Fillatittle sat upon Lord Lucan the table and mourned for the loss of whoever it was he had just lost. "Oh woe is me!" he yelled. "Won't somebody...
[Jarlaxle] to eat me up with all the vigor of a curry"
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] Luckily, at this point the ship crashed into a giant sea-squirrel, and Mr Fillatittle, Lucan and the wooden fisherwoman, of whom Lucan had become rather attached, although not literally, were cast away on a desert island. By an amazing coincidence, the island was inhabited solely by...
[Jarlaxle] .....a horny clam, who had small bits of human flesh around its opening, and a not very horny but clown called........
[Carlito Caribbean Cool] Gene. Gene greeted the marooned threesome with an ecstatic "Sod off, we don't want foreign Johnnies round here." The horny clam said nothing since clams were never granted the ability of coherent speech, but it greeted the triumvirate of trespassers in its own special way; it began to violently molest each of Lucan's legs. Three-quarters of the way through this, Mr Fillatittle pried himself away from the wooden fisherwoman's passionate embrace and took it upon himself to intervene. He...
[Jarlaxle] ate the clam with a ginger butter saurse
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] and proceeded to be violently ill all over the clown, who ran away in a huff, never to return. Meanwhile...
[Carlito Caribbean Cool]...in a completely irrelevant parallel plot used solely because the authors have forgotten what the saga is meant to be about, sixteen large smalls gathered together to form an alliance against the teaclothes, who had simultaneously waged war on war, peace and...
[afashdf afhhoahda fofbhaf obhat ohbqat] ...the Russians. The Russians were not happy about this, as they had long strove to end the tyranny of the teacloth regime. They fought back with...
[Jarlaxle] a gun and then they all died. You have been struck by the Masters of the Saga.