2009-08-15 [~Crimson Angel~]: Oh how sad, good but sad.

2009-09-10 [Ramirez]: Indeed that is a great poem. Very wonderful, very vivid and meaningful. Very sad.

2009-11-06 [Alexi Ice]: The blood splatters out
And soaks into the earth
For the earth is greedy
Ask any soldier

This is the best part. It needs more fluid transition, some of the breaks are too long, but other than that it's an amazingly real poem. The metaphors are simply divine. And it tears at your heartstrings, indeed.

2009-11-06 [Ninja Smurf]: my overall goal is to have a book, going from poem to shrt story and such, but all based on this centra theme.... think it'll work?

2009-11-06 [Mortified Penguin]: You know, Nike could sue you for that 'Just do it' you have in there... Also, it needs more rhyming. Without rhymes, it's merely a long, vertical story. It also needs some grammatical changes and some work on the verb tenses in a place or two...

I feel it could have been a little more emotional too, you know? The main character seems a little two-dimensional and occasionally comes off as being a bit selfish. I give it a 5 out of 10. Keep trying. Maybe add a sex scene next time to spice things up.

2009-11-06 [Ninja Smurf]: sorry mort... but I keep the sex scenes for our prive messages. lol thank for reading it though

2009-11-06 [Alexi Ice]: Mort - No, sex scene would ruin it. The rest you said is spot on about the grammar though. Just needs tweeking.

The story thing is good ONLY if you break the poem up. Like take on section of the poem to represent each chapter, but together it would be too long. Do you know what I mean?

2009-11-06 [Ninja Smurf]: acually this poem would be somewhere in the middle of the book.

2009-11-06 [Alexi Ice]: That might work. In what contex?

2009-11-06 [Mortified Penguin]: No it wouldn't! I can see it now:

The soldier then, gun in hand,
fell down beside his fellow man.
Once a valiant friend, the man was gone
Tired and alone though, the soldier went on.
He pushed forward into the setting sun
The past behind him, what was done was done.
Then the soldier came across a chick
He became aroused and whipped out his d-

Well... you get the idea... *eats ramen*...

2009-11-06 [Ninja Smurf]: okfirst, te book is focused on themans life before during and after his trip to war... the poem would b in the during/afer area... more of a dream then a reaity.

2009-11-06 [Alexi Ice]: Sounds good, drunkie. But it's a VAST genre' so your book is going to need something to make it a little....differnt, or something. You know? Make it stand out of the croud.

2009-11-06 [Ninja Smurf]: second, no sex mort. sorry, wrong theme.


thrd: wy too drunk to stay focused right now

2009-11-06 [Alexi Ice]: KK <3 Shall talk more tommmoroorww? *Laughs*

2009-11-06 [Ninja Smurf]: it shall stand out because it wll be based in reality... I was actualy there, andsaw thethings that I will be and hve written about. plus, it's not so much to get pulbished as it is for my own enjoyment.

2009-11-06 [Mortified Penguin]: You know what would make a good story... the tale of Bob's Diner, I tell you whut... *chews straw*...

2009-11-06 [Ninja Smurf]: Bob's Diner is over runwih scummy people like you and me though... where as this is a respectable place here we're not aloud.

2009-11-06 [Alexi Ice]: Then that would make a wonderful book, definatly!!