Defenders of Space

By [Nebka]


Okay, I just finished watching one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It's bad, but it's not as bad as space thunder kids, which all go over next time.

So the basic plot to this movie is there's an evil emperor named Nick, which is probably the worst name for an evil emperor ever. I mean couldn't they at least come up with something fancier than Nick? "All hail emperor Nick!!" Come on!! Where’s the menace, where's the fear, where's the evil in a name like "Nick"? Seriously, worst name ever!

Okay, so anyway, Nick controls and empire of grown up smurfs (Yes, there smurfs. there all blue. except for the daughter of the emperor, who ironically doesn’t correct people when they call her sir. hmm... interesting.) and pretty much decimates the last defensive position before heading off to earth. Which by the way is a steaming pile of rocks and water. There is nothing on earth, through the course of watching these three movies (defenders of space, protectors of universe, and space thunder kids, all of which I plan to rant on.) you will find that earth sucks.

Okay, where was I. uhh... lets see... nick.... smurfs... defense... Ah here we are. Okay so we move ahead to a bunch of kids playing baseball on the surface of mars (no, this is not the last time you will see the laws of physics broken.) which turn out to be our main characters, Henry (who has an incredible ADD problem and spends most of the movie concentrating on the task at hand) and Mary along with a bunch of other snots. So they return back to the defensive world (which is called aurora, or something to that effect.) to find that it's destroyed. While mourning the loss to there city Mary finds a little phoenix necklace, which (unlike in space thunder kids) has some relevance to the story.

So Henry and Mary meet up with some old dude and get bombed before being rescued by the gorilla fighters. Now would be a good time to point out the fact that the leader has the ability to jump over walls twice his height, therefore he is a ninja. After a little bit of a tussle with the leader Henry and Mary head off towards earth to find the phoenix king. On the way there they get a missile shot at them from the smurfs, and this is the part where all the laws of physics fly out the window. Henry, after thinking for five minutes on how to stop this problem, promptly walks to the upper-portion of the ship and lifts opens a window hatch that leads to outer space. Now I don't know what you've been taught but from what I hear Henry should've been sucked through the window and exploded in the vacuum of space. Instead he shoots it and doesn't even close the window properly.

After landing on earth Henry and Mary begin their search or the phoenix king, which they find in a phoenix shaped mountain. After several shots of a staircase heading up words and lots of background noises of panting (I don't they were actually climbing the stairs) they arrive at a little rock with a phoenix indentation on that looks like the necklace. After Henry asks for the necklace and TWO MINIUTES of silence he finally puts it into the indentation, which calls forth the phoenix king. The phoenix king is a transformer named inferno. For those of you who don't know what a transformer is it's a giant robot that can "transform" into a vehicle, which he does. Not only this but he also has in expression of utter misery on his face, leading my brother and me to make such comments as:
"God, Optimus! Why did you send me on this mission!?! WHY?!?"
"Hey, there are no decepticons here! You lied to me."

So any way they get the phoenix king and hand out some major ass kickn, the earth defense fleet also arrives but they just get bitch slap by the emperor; yeah earth sucks, and return to Aurora. Now comes the funniest part in the WHOLE movie. The earth defense fleet promptly says, and I quote:

"Thanks to you Henry we were able to correct our illegal immigrant problem."

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... Hmm... So apparently they weren't just smurfs, they were MEXICAN smurfs. It was at this point my brother and me had to pause the movie we where laughing so hard. I mean seriously this movie has nothing to do with illegal immigrants, NOTHING.

So as you can see this movie is udder crap. The only reason my brother and me were able to survive was because we got to MIST it. But because of that it was worth every cent we paid, which was a whole dollar.

So, in conclusion

NEVER WATCH THIS MOVIE ALONE

Other wise you can't MIST it.

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