From The Mailbag

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In every town and city in every nation there are certain neurotics who believe it is part of their civic duty to write letters to the editor every four or five days. The names of these people, if not their faces, are familiar to anyone who regularly reads the local newspaper. The letters themselves are longish and often rife with imtimations of persecution and conspiracy. Sometimes the writers are experts in one field (fluoridation; highway safety) and feel obliged to hammer home the same point over and over again. More often, however, these correspondents are scholars in all subjects, able to handle local sewer politics and sensitive global affairs with equal aplomb.

Here are excerpts from letters written by five major neurotic types:

THE WATCHDOG
"Why is the city destroying all its shade trees? Am I the only one to notice that there seems to be an organized program - orchestrated from the Mayor's office - to cut down every elm, oak, and maple tree on city property? Maybe I'm just seeing things, but I believe the time has come for the plain people to band together and do something before it's too late. ...Where will it all end? Will the people next have to guard the trees on their own property from the exalted, loot-hungry gang in City Hall? The citizens demand and deserve an answer. Come on, Mister Mayor! We are waiting!"

THE MORALIST
"For years I have been living under the misapprehension that yours was a family newspaper, fit for consumption by young and old alike. Now the scales have been taken away from my eyes. If my teenagers wish to learn about veneral disease (which they don't, I can assure you), our family doctor is very well qualified to tell them. ...Aren't we already surrounded by enough trash without having more delievered to our front door every day?"

THE HARD-LINER
"The electric chair is too good for these animals... see them squirm... dungeons not such a bad idea... punks... sticks in my craw... two-by-four... scum... back where they came from... soap."

THE LANGUAGE SNOB
"I am quite taken by your quaint but moronic use of 'from whence' in your lead editoral of Tuesday last. Had you bothered to do your homework in fifth grade you would have learned that such a juxtaposition constitutes a tautology at best and a pleonasm at worst. Please do try to refrain from such bracing excursions into the otiose, or, better yet, go back to a less intellectually taxing pursuit, such as writing paid obituary notices."

THE ANIMAL LOVER
"I have a comment for the person who recently wrote the letter that stated, 'The electric chair is too good for these animals.' I would just like to ask that person what kind of animals is he talking about? Squirrels? Rabbits? Does? Little spaniel puppies? Animals don't carry guns or knives. They don't mug you and then kill you because you only had two dollars. Animals live in peace in this world. I'd like to see that writer get his head caught in a bear trap and ask him what he thinks then."

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