How to Stuff a Wild Espadrille

You have taken the last swim of the day and now it is time to go home. The beach sand is very hot. You do not want to walk across it barefoot, but you also do not want to put your sandy, gritty feet into your shoes. You are now faced with one of the gnawing dilemmas of summer. You must somehow get two clean feet into two dry shoes while standing in wet sand and water. Here is what you must do:

1. Carry your shoes to the water's edge. Find a spot where the water the water is hissing up with enough force to wash your feet but not with enough strength to knock you down. Concentrate your mind. Ignore the fact that people behind you on the beach are watching.

2. Stand on one foot. Dip the other foot into the ocean and swish it around lightly. If you are unable to stand on one foot, find a jetty that is not covored with slippery green stuff and work from there.

3. Extract the now clean foot from the water and wave it as violently as you dare in the breeze. Then, with swift movement, bend foreward at the waist and place the correct shoe on this foot. Be careful that you do not absentmindedly drop the other shoe during this dept maneuver.

4. Hop backwards rapidly in the manner of a sandpiper to avoid a suddenly surging wave.

5. Take a moment to assess the situation. Your shod foot is still in the air. Your anchoring leg is tiring quickly and beginning to wobble. Redouble your concentration.

6. Lie down.

7. Prop yourself up on your elbows as if you are casually veiwing a sunset, but remember to hold the empty shoe away from the sand.

8. Using your elbows and your bare foot, crabwalk slowly down toward the water line. Be especially careful here not to get sand in the elastic band of your bathing suit.

9. When you get to the water, select a wave that will come in just about right. Dip and extract (numbers 2 and 3 above) and then draw the newly clean foot in toward your chest and place the shoe on it.

10. Continue into a backward somersault (Don't get sand in your hair!), stand, turn, and, acknowledging the cheers of the crowd, stroll triumphantly home.

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