This is where past entries from Memoirs of a nun are kept. Have fun reading!
Entry one - The beginnings of my journey.
My name is Sister Lisa from the Sandfields convent. I have recently began my service to the lord himself. Today my new life began as I embarked upon a huge task, one that would bring tears to the eyes of any man, something so unbelieveably strenuous it hurts to even read about. My 2 metre pilgrimage began in St. Heliers Drive where I removed my shoes and embarked upon the mountainous task. After what seemed like hours I arrived at my destination, feet bleeding and covered in bruises. As I sat on a wall to rest my feet I was attacked and thereafter humped by the local stray dog. Next I decided to nip to the church and pray (but not before stopping at the paki's to pick up some "holy water" aka vodka.) I then went into the church and sipped upion my holy drink for hours before loosing consiousness and waking up pissed at port talbot general. I was picked up by the vicar who assured me that he would not tolerate rule breaking.
Entry two - Prayers at church
The priest invited me back to the convent where he cornered me and told me that I was to use his cat o' nine tails to punish myself for my drunkan antics. It was only then that he realised that he had given his cat o' nine tails away in a charity bag the previous day and so he handed me an oversized kipper instead. After that I resided to the church again to pray, as I began to recite my prayer,
'our father, who farts in heaven...' etc
Suddenly I heard a loud growl. I turned only to find the stray dog from the day before darting towards me hungry for my blood. In fear for my life I grabbed the nearest lecturn and started beating the fuck out of the mongrel dog. He eventually gave up his fight and died quietly, although in my anger a few pews were removed from the ground. As I sat to get back my breath there was a knock at the church door and a policeman came in. After seeing the carnage I was promptly arrested and taken not to jail (much to my disappointment) but to a special place for psychopathic nuns, known to us commoners as the YMCA where I was informed that tomorrow I will be meeting with the head priest 'Mr. Goll. E. Wog.'
Entry three - Mr. Goll. E. Wog.
I was led down into a dark room, so dark that I couldnt see my hand in front of my face when all of a sudden two white diamond shapes appeared in front of me. Suddenly a voice in came from the two white things.
"Mr Goll. E. Wog at your serivce. how can I help"
At this I quickly realised that the two white things were actually eyes floating in the dark. I went on to explain my situation to the man who then told me that he was going to help me get back onto the right religious path. At that the lights came on and I saw that this man was brandishing a machetti. He threatened to behead me. At the thought of being contaminated by this being I decided I had to do something so I did a matrix style move and grabbed hold of a nearby fire hydron and proceded to batter the fuck into Mr "Gollywog". When my rapmage came to an end and Mr Gollywog was nothing but a pile of shite on the floor I left the room. I thought right this is it, I have to get down to business and start taking this religion shit seriously and so I sat on a wall and read my bible. I was then approached by a scruffy tramp in a kilt who infromed his name was Terry Allan. He said that he was a relative of Jimmeny Cricket and offered to be my conscience. So I said ok and tomorrow I am going to continue my pilgrimage with Terry Allan on my shoulder (hopefully with something under the fucking kilt or things could get rather fishy). I then once again removed my shoes and we continued our journey, on the way stopping in a shop and picking up a book, "parting the sea for dummies" by Ben Dover, which I think will come in handy as we near the sea.
Entry four - The tide strikes back
Today I began my new quest, I have now decieded that the nunnery is not enough for me and I am now slowly but surely working my way up to being the next Christ. With the faithful Terry Allan on my shoulder I made my way to the beach to practice parting the sea, as did the great Moses before me. After many hours of trying I decided that it was not working and that i would instead call upon the powers of the allmighty King Canute and try to hold back the tide. A few more hours passed and I was getting mightely pissed off and with fucking Terry Allan whispering suggestions in my ear I'd had enough, when suddenly as if from no where the sea just moved back and there was no tide. I sat on the sand and prayed to God:
"Thank you babes you're fucking sound."
Or something along those lines. My plan was working but then to my horror the sea begins to rise up and a huge tidal wave is coming towards me and TA.
"Run!!" exclaimed TA.
I looked at him in anger, as no one orders me around, and I then proceded to kick him to the floor and set him on fire. When I had composed myself I began to run like fuck and after making it to safety I held my hand on my heart and watched terry's kilt float away. Well at least now the fishy fiend is back where he belongs, in Davy Joneses locker. I decided that I'd had enough for today and so I got a bus back to the convent where I had my food before residing to the courtyard for a sly fag. I then heard that the priest wanted to talk to me after I had confessed. 3 days later I had finally finished my confessions (much to the delight of father Paul who was now bald as a coot and in councelling) I nipped along to the priest who informed me that I was to be meeting the Pope. "FUCK ME" I said.
Entry five - The Pope is a bum
The day of my visit to the Pope finally arrived. I chose my best veil thingy and fishnets for the occasion. As I neared the Vatican I began crapping myself and thought of a good way to break the ice. I knocked on the door and it magically swung open. I walked in and there stood the Pope in all his glory.
"Velcom my child."
This was where I made the first mistake. As he put out his hand for me to shake I foolishly decided not to shake his hand put to try to slap him in the face while shouting "Think fast" how was I to know that his reflexes weren't as they were back in the day and when the slap connected with his face (me at this point giggling slowly to myself) I was wrestled to the floor by thousands of men. He then informed me he wanted a quiet word later on in his chambers so I hung around the vatican until the evening chilling with the cardinals watching the game, smoking some weed. Then I finally went up to the Popes chambers and to my horror I found him wearing a stunning floral dress and stilettos and an equally flashy pair of tights. My reaction to the sight was "What the fuck" in the expression only [
sequeena_rae] is familliar with. If that wasn't bad enough the fat little bastard procedes to ask if I want to taste the "milk of God". This really was too much and so I ran from the room doing a dick van dyke style jump every now and then. The next day I went to church as the Pope was doing a service and thought I would take my revenge and so as he strutted down the aisle with his stupid fucking hat on I decided to lob a lighted fag at him and watch him run away in a ball of flames of course I was then arrested (in fits of laughter) and released on bail pending a trial. After my extradition back to Britain I was advised by the priest (who may I add is the shadiest character around) to go into hiding. How will I survuive on the streets? I took my belongings from the convent (along with a few extra odds and ends you know pens, towels, curtains, sofa bed, and I even whipped the priests dog collar when his back was turned. They were tokens of rememberance. I decided I would do as the wise men did and follow the star, although this idea was promptly changed when I realised I didn't know which one to fucking follow. I thought that instead I will travel to jeruselam and seek sanctuary there....
Entry six - Terry Allan's revenge! (ish)
As I got off the plane in Jerusalem, dressed in nothing more than a loin cloth (this trip was well planned and I wanted to fit in with the locals) I could sense that all was not right, and it was just as I turned the corner that I was actually bundled onto the back of a donkey (modern day transport there I was assuming) and taken to a random building. Once inside I had the shock of my life when I came face to face with my ex-consiounse Terry Allan. He stood before me naked as the day he was born (I laughed at his small penis) and explained that he was keeping me as his slave and I would worship only him from now on. "Oh fuck" I thought to myself. "Oh well, things could be worse, the title could be the revenge of Mr. Goll. E. Wog" errgh. Anyway back to the point I was then taken to a room and made to serve "Ye olde Mr Allan" as he was known for the next few days. It was only on the fourth day of my captivity that I started to get pissed off. It was the same day that I came into contact with another one of Terry's biatches, who told me her name was Sarah. I began to tell her about my work as a nun, and how I'd spent the last few months helping (punching) the elderly, aiding (robbing) the blind, saiving (drowning) tramps, and obeying (taking the piss out of) the laws of god. We formed a good friendship and I told her I'd get her baptised when we bumped off the estranged wonderbeast that was Terry Allan. We hatched a plan. The next day when Terry Allan was sitting naked in his chair I creeped up the stairs and stood on the first floor directly above him. I then dropped a snooker ball down onto his prick and laughed so hard as he squealed around in pain I actually let one rip (much to my horror and embarrasment). Sarah then pounced on the fiend and happily raped and killed him. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. So with Terry Allan bagged and buried under the patio to ensure he didn't ressurect we decided to fuck off to the town and get smashed before I began the hard task of converting her to Christianty. That night whilst totally out of our minds we managed to insult a few people, molest a camel, stole the tea towel from one Arabs head, and pull down a lamp post and also stupidly went around cleaning the lambs blood from the doors of the locals (I wonder why the fuck that was there).
Entry seven - In which the Nile gets a long needed makeover.
With Terry Allan gone, Sarah and I began our journey to turn the devils advocat into a good christian girl (or am I catholic?? fuck knows). Anyway after a heavy nights drinking at the infamous lamb and flag I accidently strolled out of bed and turned the river Nile to blood. How I did it only God knows but I'm sure I must have been reading Ann O'Rexia's classic "From water to blood in three easy steps!" prior to the incident. I woke up in the morning and me and Sarah were sitting in an alley wearing nothing but a loin cloth. I started rumaging through the bins in hope of finding a full English but instead I found an ancient script, which was written in a strange language. My companion looked confused and when she asked what language it was I gave her a saucy look and repeated the words, "What do you call a male tea bag?" She correctly answered Hebrew and had her answer. Then to my horror I turned to find two police men also wearing loin cloths and brandishing pistols. "Bollocks" I exclaimed "They know about the river!" A long chase followed as Sarah and I tried in vain to escape their wrath. I saw a church and ran for sanctuary but was promptly encouraged to leave by the Bishop when he saw the hoard of police. And so we were trapped, cornered, and cowering like dogs where we were approached by the men. Despite my efforts of trying to castrate the bastards with my teeth and Sarah trying to remove their finger nails, we were caught. I believe my exact words at this moment were "For fuck sake God you fucking flange what are you on about!" As we were about to be carted of to the local jail Sarah decides she doesn't fancy being raped in the showers and starts to grass on me "It was her fuck all to do with me." and she was let free after I was informed that I was to be beheaded. She then skipped away laughing to find our old friend Humphrey (Humphrey the camel don't you know?) for a quick feel. So here I am rotting away in a buzzing shit hole they call a jail awaiting my beheading.
Entry eight - In which Sister Lisa gets seperated from her body - Literally.
As I waited patiently with my head on the chopping block (quite literally) waiting for my companion to return and save me when all of a suddden I had the most excruciating pain in the back of my leg. "fucking cramp !!!!!!!! As i writhed about in pain kicking the shit out of everyone who passed, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, Sarah and an army of camels marching towards me.
"Fucking sound! Sarah you flange. I thought you'd fucked off!"
The next thing I knew, they were charging towards me but to my horror the fat bastard holding the sword decides he wants to remove my head anyway despite the fear of being shat on by the army of camels (and Sarah).
"OOOOWW YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!WHAT ARE YOU DOING??"
I screamed in his face as my head was removed from my body. As the warfare began, I lay on the floor screaming a chant to encourage the army (my head this is. Fucks knows what my body was doing at this point, no doubt it was looking for a kebab. I mean we were in Jerusalum after all)
"Neef neef neef"
As the shitting began the Jerusalum police got scared and eventually backed off. Sarah came over and took a look at my severed head on the floor.
"You can't half shit love"
I said. We then decided to go to the place where Jesus baptised John and see if God would reattach me. When we arrived, she dipped my head and body into the sacred water before blindfolding me and gluing me back together giving the illusion of a miricle.
"Fucking hell Sar, so he really did feed the 5 thousand with only one bottle of larger and a line of coke! This is amazing!"
I then decided that from then on I would really dedicate my life to carrying out Gods work and decided that we would contine on our journey (on the Ethiopia via Berlin bus) and go to Mecca to see how the other half live, and just for a laugh stop off at that festival where they throw all the tomatoes. This should be fucking hysterical.
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