More of those zany quotes from my life!

The sequel to Hannah's infamous quotes

400) Danice, Erin and I: *Talking on the phone, via three way*
Erin: Hey, we should all get together for New Years in a sort of three person party!
Me: What day is New Years? Is it Monday/Tuesday?
Erin: No, it's Sunday/Monday
Me: Ohhh...do you work those days?
Erin: No--
Danice: WHY AM I HERE????
Erin and I: *long silence*
Danice:...eh...that wasn't directed towards YOU guys...I'm playing a video game...

401) Erin: *at work* I'm sorry it took so long...I couldn't find a bag big enough to fit your COMMODE in!

402) Erin, Danice and I: *On phone*
Erin: I just want to shove meat in your mouth!!
Me: Mine?
Erin: Yes, Hannah, because you're the vegetarian here...
Danice: hey!

403) Me: I always talk about Danice's brother Adrian as if we're best friends, but tonight's the first night I've actually even said anything to him!
Danice: Yeah...it's kinda funny but weird...
Erin: Maybe it's because she secretly has a crush on him!
Danice: ew--
Me: Yeaaah...Adrian's HOT! I just go wild for younger men...What is, a ten year difference between Adrian and I?
Danice: Please stop...
Me: I'm Erin's EXACT opposite...she likes older men with money, I like younger boys who still get an allowance from their parents! Mmmmm steamy little Adrian...
Danice: That's sick...*talking to his bro* Adrian, go to bed already!
Me: Ohhh, how I lonnnng for Adrian, he makes me so hot...*suddenly gets paranoid* He can't hear me can he????

404)Erin: I can hook you up with any asian guy you want...as long as he works in parking.

405)Erin: my dad looks mean, but he's a giant teddy bear.
Me: I'm not going to hug your dad.
Erin: I wouldn't let you, I'd make you back off. He has a wife!
Me: Danggit!
Erin: and kids...
Me: I can adopt you.
Erin: If you got pregnant, I'd kill you.

406)Erin: *in casual voice* Hey Hannah, you pregnant? *serious voice* I'll kill you. Cos you're dead. I'll give you three steps to the door and I'll drop-kick you.

407)Me: What do you think Danice does on his big bed?
Erin: Play video games.
Me: I like to think he jumps on his bed for hours at a time.
Erin: I think he jumps with Adrian *in her danice impersonating voice* We're gonna play Lava monster, first to fall off the bed is the monster and you have to push me off the bed!
Me: Well, that was awkward.
Erin: Don't joke, my brothers and I used to play that game.
Me: I assumed so, you put a lot of detail into it.

408)Erin: Do you know any streets in Westminster?
Me: Yeah! I know Wadsworth!
Erin: Good job!
Me: And Sheridan.....and 120th.
Erin: Wow, that's great!
Me: . . . Why do I know those two? What intersects at 120th and Sheridan?
Erin: . . . my apartment.
Me:...oh.

409)Erin: SUCK MY BALLS!
Danice: I'll suck your ovaries.

410)Me: How would you actually lick someone's ovaries?
Danice: I dunno...
Me: You'd have to be an anteater...a really....weird anteater.

411) Erin: Ugh, stop thinking about my dad and you having sex!
Me: I'm not...you are.
Erin: . . . EW!

412)Me: To sum it up, you hump, bump and beat your mom?
Erin: That's...pretty much it.

413)Me: I decided to call you cos I'm scared...
Erin: Why?
Me: Cos I just got finished watching the movie "Pulse" and now I have to go downstairs and do some dishes all by myself!
Erin: What was the movie about?
Me: It's where ghosts come through on the computer, tvs and cellphones...anything electronic.
Erin: so you decided to jump onto your cellphone and talk to me?
Me: . . . You've got a point.

415)Adam: There's no way you can drop all these books into overstock in an hour!
R: (Coworker) Oh, I can drop it. And by "it," I mean my pants.

416) Erin: Hannah and Erin are good friends, but they haven't known each other long. Despite this fact, they have had numerous adventures together. Shiny and Danice are also part of the Hannah and Erin group. Fortunately, they are the brains of the group. Unfortunately, Hannah and Erin aren't the brightest. Erin and Hannah are not the brightest because when they young, they were dropped too many times on their heads *insert drawing of baby Hannah and baby Erin stick figures on their heads with adults saying 'oh well')* Although we are slightly retarded, there are advantages, it makes us funnier. We are a lot funnier. *Insert drawing of Erin and Hannah vibrating with laughter and pee by Erin's leg* DESH, believe it or not, has the ultimate crime-fighting ability. Shiny, with her ravishingly good looks, Danice, with his ability to roll old people, Hannah with her KARATE ability--
Me: Why do I get Karate?
Erin: Cos it was the only thing I could think of. And Erin, with her naked power.

417) Kalia & I: *trying to guess a couple of coworkers' genders, along with their sexual preferences*
Kalia: Today is Gender Orientation Day.
Me: We play the weirdest games.

418)Erin: Hold on a sec.
Me: Okay...
Erin: *various screeching and tongue clicking sounds* Okay I'm back!
Me: What the hell was going on?
Erin: I was changing my shirt.

419)Erin: Can I put you on hold?
Me: yeah
Erin: *sets down phone, in the background you hear her break out into song* To the left, to the left! Everything you own in a box to the left! *sings most of the song* Okay I'm back.
Me: Did you just put me on hold to sing that song?

420) Me: *doing a name analysis with Erin* What name should we look up next?
Erin: My vagina....
Me: We'll do Sarah, which is NOT the name of your Vagina.
**Five Minutes Later*
Erin: Wanna know what my Vagina's real name is?
M: Why are you telling me this?
Erin: It's V V

421)Me: *reading aloud*
Erin: *heavy breathing*
Me: *in offended voice* Will you stop breathing?
Erin: Fine, I'll just DIE.

422)Erin: So this Valentine's Day we're gonna have DATES!
Me: What makes you say that?
Erin: I'm being OPTIMISTIC!

423)My dad: Hey Paul, how do you say "Jingle Bells" in Russian? (Paul/my bro in law is half Russian, half polish*
Me: *Before Paul can answer, in russian accent* In Communist Russia, bell jingle YOU!
Everyone in the room: *turns to look at me like I'm crazy*

424) Erin: I don't want to get fucked by some ass cream!
Me: *giggles*
Erin: Don't laugh at my misery!
Me: But you said ass cream!

425)Erin: I think, I think I think I found a match--OW!
Me: What happened?
Erin: I just flicked the sink!

426) Erin: You and I can have a date...you and me and the sea...the sea and some peeeee.

427) Me: To the left, to the left, everything you own in the box to the Erin!
Erin: Look at all this SHIT!

428)Erin: Whyyyyyyyyy wooouulllld youuuuuu neeeeeeeed..............that.
Me: What?
Erin: I don't know, I couldn't think of anything original. During that long pause though, I was thinking about how math smelled like drool.

429)Me: Everytime that show comes on, I have to wactch it, it's so go---
Erin: I itch my butt.

430)Me: what?
Erin: *sensually moans* mmmmmmmmmm

431)Me: Erin, what's your soap-opera name?
Erin: Shatahala

432)Me: You know when you watch a tv show for a long time and you get attached to the characters, like they're you're friends?
Erin: Uh uh...
Me: It's sad when you see the last episode, cos it's like you won't see these friends again!
Erin: uh huh...
Me: Do you understand?
Erin: Well, I actually didn't hear anything you said, cos you were cutting out.
Me: Okay, we'll try this again, and if you don't understand, just ask, dont' just agree with me. You know when you watch a tv show...
Erin: *repeats*
Me: for a long time...
Erin: *repeats*
Me: And you get attached to the characters...
Erin: *repeats*
Me: Like you're friends...
Erin: *repeats*
Me: And you see the last episode
Erin: *repeats*
Me: It's sad cos you'll never see these friends again.
Erin: *repeats*
Me: Isn't it sad?
Erin: Well, I have a question. How can they be your friends? Is this a quote?
Me: No, I'm saying this.

433) Jake: I hate my own penis.
Me: Awkwaaaaaaard....
Jake: I wanna set it on fire...damn thing with a mind of its own! But, I'd have to set a second fire so the first fire can remain controlled.
Me: How the hell does that make sense? To control a fire, you set a second fire??
Jake: . . . Well, after the second fire consumes my body, the first won't do a lot of damage now, will it?

434) Jake: My dad showed me that trick where you stick the chicken drum stick in your mouth, pull of all the meat, then pull the bones out of your mouth.
Me: Interesting...
Jake: Yeah...there's this hotwings place on Wadsworth, and they claim that their wings make you cry...and I was just sitting there...*mimics him doing his "trick"* In fact, I even asked them to make it hotter, saying I want "Face melting hot," and they did and I was like *mimicking his trick again* And I told them to bring me more! They said, "You're going to be sorry tomorrow when you have to go poo!" And I was like "It's not tomorrow now, is it? Bring me more!" And they did...and then I had to go to the bathroom.
Me: Uh oh...
Jake: That's just the thing...I didn't have to go poop...I had to pee...and I was peeing and I just happened to get some on me...and I realized "Wow, that chicken really was spicey!"
Me: Wow, I'm learning all of your deepest, darkest secrets tongiht.
Jake: Not really.
Me: So that's the type of story you'd tell a stranger sitting on a bus bench with you?
Jake: Pretty much.

435) R: (coworker) *drawing lightning bolts hitting with an impact area with cloudy skies*
Esther: (Coworker) Whatcha drawing?
R: My bedroom. I sleep there *taps to the epicenter where the lightning bolt is*

436)Me: Yeah, I turned around and you were gone...like a squirrel.
Jake: I could see me with a tail...Hey...Hey...you wanna fight? *threatening imaginary person with imaginary squirrel tail* Hmm...it looks like I'm humping the air...
Me: You're hump fighting.

437)Erin: Those vagina lips...*pause* Why doesn't the toilet paper fit???
Me: Uhh...
Erin: Don't connect those two sentences.

438)Erin: My eyes are starting to float away...

439) Erin: We should dress up as twins for Halloween and KILL people!
Me: Cos that's logical.

440)Danice & I: *talking about if he ever landed in jail*
Me: You wouldn't last a day, you'd be someone's bitch!
Danice: At least I'd be wearing your favorite color...orange!
Me: Yeah, maybe it'll be your CELL MATE'S favorite color, too.

441)Erin: Dammit! I keep forgetting to give my sister in law what she really wants -- and it's NOT head!
Me: . . . my mouth was open to make a witty remark, but you beat me to it.

442)Me: *hugs Danice*
Danice: You smell like polka dots and gum.

443)Me: Isn't that our train? *points at the train riding away*
Kalia: FUCK! SHIT! COCK! BITCH! *slips on ice and falls down hard*
Me: That's what you get for swearing violently on ice....which is not a musical, mind you.

444)Kalia & I: *making salsa, take a taste*
Me: Ugh! Not spicey!
Kalia: Hmm...needs more Jabeneros...but we don't have anymore...
Me: No peppers?
Kalia: No...I know what to do! *returns with can of pepper spray*
Me: I knew it. Is that stuff even edible?
Kalia: Made of capsucin...same stuff in peppers, I don't see why not. 'Sides, remember when I tried some on my finger? I didn't die.
Me: True, go on, spray it.
Kalia: *sprays the salsa with pepper spray*
Kalia & I: *Immediately moan, for just even being NEAR the spray was painful*
Me: Well, let's try it. *we both take a sample* Better...
Kalia: *reading label* If used for any other purpose than self defense, it is considered a felony under California law.
Kalia & I: *Look down at the bowl of salsa*
Me: Well, we're not in California...

445) Me: Hey Kalia, Your MOM called me last night...and the best part is, this isn't a "Yo' Momma" joke.

446)Me: *stepping out awkwardly onto ice skating rink* I'm gonna look like a little three year old!
Three year old: *Whizzes past and does a spin*
Danice: *in reassuring tone* No you won't...they skate better.

447)Me: *tries on hoodie with long sleeves, turns to Kalia* I HAVE NO HANDS! *excited, shakes arms*

448) Kalia & I: *Playing Horse-opoly*
Me: What the hell? Whenever you're on the brink of going bankrupt, you miraculousy get back into the game!
Kalia: I'm the John Elway of Monopoly.

449) **AT WORK MEETING**
Manager: *announcing all the employees to be recognized for outstanding work, and we applause after each name* And Adam!
**LONG SILENCE**
Adam: Thanks a lot, guys!

450) Me: I don't want acidy spit in my twat!

451) Kalia: I scream! *nostalgic look * WE had ice cream...

452) Coworkers and I: *EXTREMELY bored at work, typing random things into the book search*
Amber: *Types in 666* Nothing! We have NOTHING evil!
Adam: Type in 777...NOW! Type in 777! We must see what's truly divine!
Amber: *Types it in* It's a book for a wine tasting course...
Adam: I KNEW IT! *Throws arms up in air* BOOZE IS GOD!

453) Adam: Hey, R, there's a baby over there for you to boil...
R: What? Really? *starts to wonder off*
Michael: Save the tears!
Adam: Why the tears?
Michael: Well, he has to MARINATE the baby in something!

454) Kalia: I'd be mad...like Wolverine without his Adamantium O's for breakfast.

455) Kalia: *Holding violin upside down in hand* Shut UP! I'm NOT overdosing! *takes sip of soda*
Me: *on other side of room in chair facing her* Did you just talk to the violin?
Kalia: *explodes soda out of mouth, we laugh* You know, after you said that, I realized that I was.

456) Kalia: *Standing on chair, holding stalk of fake bamboo in horizontally in hands and touching the ends to the corners of the wall*
Me: What...are you doing?
Kalia: I thought...it would look cool...if something were shoved into the wall.
Me: *looks at the bamboo then at Kalia* Shoved into the wall? Wouldn't you need a hole?
Kalia: No. Not if I shove it just right, you know? Then it would get stuck.
Me: Whatever you say *sits in chair facing Kalia as she continues to shove the bamboo AT the wall for another minute*
Kalia: I don't think it'll work.

457) Kalia: *stares at her wall* What if we just nailed the violin to the wall?

458) My dad: They have purple and blue on the SAME page! How could they do that? Blue's better than purple..it should have been red, cos they're both primary colors *continues on ranking the importance of some colors over others*

459) Me: You have to have a license to have a beard at Bringham Young University...
Kalia: Do beards not like mormons?

460) Kalia: Is that an underwater cactus?

461) Gary: So down the street was Jessica's white cat, only half of it was gone, so Nanci called up Jessica's mom and they burried it....they burried only half a cat!
Me: Which half?

462) Kalia: *searching in room*
Me: What are you looking for?
Kalia: I think I lost a screw...
Me: Quite literally.

463)Wendy: *says something about it being 3am*
Kalia: *slurring, stirring from sleep* You FACE is de grrrrrr.....

464) Me: *steps into car* Are you making pie?
Kalia: *gives me strange look*
Me: Well, I mean not right now...

465) Nanci: DOES YOUR MOM...*sets down ad* use Michael's ads?

466) Me: Look, Rogue knows commands! DANICE, SIT!
Danice: ô.o
Me: ehh..I meant ROGUE, SIT!
Rogue: *our puppy, sits*
Me: Good girl! *gives Rogue a treat*
Danice: If I sit, do I get a treat, too?

467) Hamza and I: *talking about his faux-hawk*
Hamza: I look like a... a... the husband of the chicken?
Me: A Rooster?
Hamza: YEAH!

468) Pearl and Jessica: *talking about getting paid to bump into people*
Hamza: Why are they talking about bumps?

469)Hamza: What do you get when you get Employee of the Month?
Me: Lunch with Mike (our manager)
Hamza: Like a DATE? Will you vote for me?

470) Nick and I playing with Danice's hair
Me: That's Nick by the back of your head by the way, not me.
Danice: It feels good...
Nick: Yeah, I know how to make guys feel good.
Danice: WHAT?

471) Kalia *walks out of Bath and Body works* I AM THE PUNISHER! With really soft hands...

472) Nanci: Is it full time or part time?
Gary: It starts on Tuesday ^_^

473) Me: *looks at Shiny* Hmm...What's black and white and brown all over? SHINY!
Shiny: *looks down, wearing only Black and White* that...actually makes sense...

474) Me: *talking about shirt I bought him* I don't even think you like skulls...
Danice: I like skulls! I have one!

475) Danice: *after long silence* Have I ever shown you my Unitard?

476) Me: No offense, Kalia, but you're my best friend...

478) Erin: *Slips me note in napkin* I *heart* Hannah
Me: I want to bang Erin *heart*
Erin: I want to lick your face.
Me: I want to lick your belly button.
Erin: I want to suck your blood.
Me: I want to defecate in your ear.
Erin: I want to throw up in your "V V"
Me: I want to set your pubes on fire and douse it with my cum.
Erin: I want to dance around your body.
Me: I want to turn your shit into terracotta and turn it into a bull and lap up your menstrual blood and gurgle it.
Erin: I want to mix you up with whipped cream and my menstrual cycle and steam roll you in hot fudge.
Me: I want to harvest your cum boogersand make it into crayons to paint you portrait so I can fuck it.

479)Erin: *takes bite of cake and holds cheek as if she got hurt*
Me: What happened, did the cake slap you?

480) Danice, Kalia and I: *Walking downtown after watching Grindhouse*
Danice: Shut the fuck up, Bitch!
Police officers walking in front of us: *Turn around*
Kalia and I: *laugh*
Me: They probably turned around and realized we could kick YOUR ass, Danice.

481) Danice: *talking about tattoo he should get* I know! I should get a narwahl piercing an anatomically correct heart on my calf....OR! I should get the narwahl on one calf and a unicorn on the other, and when I put my legs together, it looks like they're fighting!!

482) Alex: *talking about math* That X better get the hell away from my 4...

483) Kalia: I don't want to use up my pepperspray, cos I want to use it to make Tacos, but I want to spray it in my face, too...
Me: Kalia...I'll spray some of my mace on you.
Alex: That's probably the kindest thing I've ever heard.

484)My mom: Rabbits could carry the plague with their fleas. Spekaing of fleas, I think "Dancing With the Stars" is on tonight...

485) Me: *eating nachos, looks up to see Kalia* How's mother-wall treating you?
Kalia: *pulls away from sucking on Root Bear bottle leaned against the corner in the wall.* Good.

486)Me: My bladder's an innie, not an outtie.

487)Kalia: *tries to hit me from the front seat while holding onto her frappacino* Awwh! Man! Hey Nanci, I just got whipped cream on that one place you can't lick!
Nanci: Ew....
Kalia: I meant my elbow...

488)Kalia: Rogue, care to tell me what Red Tide is doing in the living room?

489) Dan: Hola!
Me: Hola! Coma estas?
Dan:. . . Dan.

490) Hamza: What time is it?
Me: 5:22
Hamza: Oh, I've got to go kick some balls...

491) Kalia & I: *Sitting in parking lot eating Ice cream*
Car: *alarm goes off*
Kalia: =.= that's annoying... SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Car: *alarm stops*
Kalia: *Ice cream falls out of her mouth*

492)Hamza: *sitting on back of motorcycle with one of his guy friends*
Family: *gives them strange look*
Hamza: *to the family* I AM NOT GAY!!!!!!!!!!

493) Kalia & I: *sitting in tv room*
Coming from elsewhere: *Emperial March*
Kalia & I: *follow the sound to her room*
Rogue: *laying there, staring at the music box that she clearly had chewed on*
Me: How fitting...

494) Danice: Hey, have you heard about the bird flu?
Me: Yeah...it flew.
Danice: . . . I'm not making a joke.

495) Danice: Parfait it is.
Me: You farted?
Danie: No, "parfait it is." .... AND I farted.

496) Danice: *aiming food dish to hit something * If I aim this juuuuuuuuust right...
Me: *farts*
Danice: *throws food dish way off course*
Me: Huh...that was kinda like Golf...

497) Kalia & I: *arguing the origin of dogs*
Me: I think that everywhere had their own sort of wolf...then adaptations and breeding happened and that's how dogs came around.
Kalia: No, there had to be ONE place...ONE where the wolf originated first. There's no posible way everywhere had their own wolf...I mean...the wolf had to start somewhere. Like Africa!
Me: No, you don't get it. Everywhere had their version of the wolf!
Kalia: NO! They didn't. There's only ONE wolf.
Me: No No nononononoo! Okay I don't think you're understanding what I'm talking about...Let me put it in a way you'd understand.
Kalia: *stare*
Me: Okay, so you know how like, Eevee can evolve into other forms, like Vaporeon or Jolteon and stuff? Well... What I'm saying is that there was like, a vaporeon and that was Japan's version of a wolf...and Jolteon was Europe's...and so on, and so forth...
Kalia: OH! So you mean like, each area had their specific eevee?
Me: Exactly!
Kalia: oooooooooooh...

498)Me: *at work* Eric, do the Beauty Queen wave!
Eric: I can't...
Me: It's easy...just lead with your elbow...*doing the slow Beauty Queen wave*
Eric: *tries and fails miserably*
Me: Oh my god...jeez let me slow it down there for ya *does slow Beauty Queen wave in ultimate slow mo*
Eric: I'm NOT retarded!!!!

499) Me: *walks into living room* Vaporean evolves from...?
Kalia: Eevee. With the Waterstone.
Me: Okay *walks back into room*

500) Me: *Knocks on Kalia's bedroom door*
Kalia: *can't hear me over music*
Me: *bursts through door with my pants down*
Kalia: Whoa...it's like your ass just kicked down my door...


501) Nanci: Oh, I think I'm gonna shoot you with my 35MM.
Me: ô.o With your gun??
Nanci: No...my 35MM camera.
Me: Oh.

502) Nanci & I: *Walk in door*
Nanci: You can drop your clothes right here.
Me: . . .
Nanci: er...I mean your laundry! You can drop your laundry here.

503) Nanci: If we run out of gas, we're gonna have to push the car. Well, I mean you're going to have to push the car.
Me: I was about to say, that sounded like it was going towards my having to push the car.

504)Erin & I: *Drive past Jewish Hospital*
Me: Do you have to be Jewish to go there?
Erin: I dunno...
Me: So you think...if you go there, and you're not Jewish, they'll kick you out?
Erin: Like a bouncer?
Me: Yeah! Like, you come up and say 'please, please, help me, I'm dying of Cancer!' and then the Rabi Bouncer will say 'Well, sounds like a not my religion problem.'

505) Me: *looking desperate for an Angora rabbit to buy* What the hell? I don't want them to SHIP me the rabbit...that's just disturbing...
Danice: Maybe they'll ship you a rabbit egg!

506) My mom: *looks at my keyring* You have too many keys...can't you get rid of some of them?
Me: I need all of these keys!
Kalia: *picks random key* Where does this one go to?
Me: The restroom at the Hollywood Video off of Kipling.
Kala: ô.o

507) Kalia:*sees her cat, holds out her arm to use "the force"*
Hellcat: *just looks at her*
Me: *holds out arm to use "the force"*
Hellcat: *looks up at me, and walks right over*
Kalia: What the hell?
Me: The force is strong with this one.

508) Adam & Me: *randomly get onto the topic of Idaho*
Me: No one EVER leaves Idaho!
Adam: What?
Me: Think about it...when was the last time you've ever met ANYONE from Idaho?
Adam: Yeah...you're right!
Me: I know I'm right.
Adam: It must be really great there...
Me: Or they're all brainwashed and therefore THINK that it's a great place.
Adam: Yeah...they must have some hell of a potato species growing there.
Me: Yeah...that's where they hide the brainwashing fluid.
Adam: I wonder what their state slogan is? *whips out lap top*
Me: It's probably like "What happens here, stays here. Forever..."
Adam: Yeah, I bet Vegas stole it from them. Oh...it's the "Gem State."
Me: How lame.
Adam: Yeah...they probably don't even grow potatoes...it's all just mashed sapphires and all.
Me: No wonder they don't want to leave!

509) Adam: Hey, look, on their official site it says: "About. Go. Stay." Weird...Hm. Tubbs Hill National park...
Me: Tards National park????????
Adam: WHAT? No! TUBBS HILL national park!
Me: OH....I wonder what a tard's national park would be like.
Adam: Release your tard, "Go, be free with your fellow tards..."
Me: Could you IMAGINE the headlines? "Tourist attack by tard in national forest!" And...they'd have signs..."Don't feed the Tards." It'd be in the same style as like, restroom sign people...but with one of those helmets on their heads...

510) Me: Dinosaurs didn't die. They just went to Idaho. Same thing with everything else you thought was dead. Like Unicorns.
Adam: I bet their famous "mashed potatoes" are really made of Dinosaurs.

511) Me: *Talking to Danice*
Shane: (coworker) *walks up to me to ask me something*
**a few minutes later**
Kalia: So...I got some extra meat in my rice bowl from Wok and Roll today...
Me: Oh! Was it the cute, tall blonde guy working?
Danice: You mean Shane?
Me: No, I work with Sha--Wait, you think Shane's cute?
Danice: =.= No, you said blonde and tall..
Me: And cute.
Danice: =.= I have the feeling I'm NEVER going to live this down...
Me: Nope. I'll tell him you think he's cute next time he works.
Danice: Gee, thanks.

512) Danice: *backs up into wall, crunches water bottle* My water broke!!!

513) Danice & I: *talking about using my ticket stub so he can get credit on an assignment*
Me: Yeah, we'll have to be sneaky.
Danice: We'll DO IT under the table!
Me: ô.o
Danice: eh...I mean...write my name on the ticket.

514) My group and I : *waiting for our group member to arrive who has ALL OF OUR PRESENTATION on her computer*
Matt: What the hell? Class is almost over and we have to go today!
Katie: She wouldn't just...not show up, would she?
Sarah(the missing classmate): *walks in*
Matt: Where were you?
Sarah: You would NEVER believe me!
Me: Let's hear it...
Sarah: So, on my way over to school this morning I hit a handicapped person.
All of us: WHAT?????
Sarah: Yeah, who does that? Who hits a handicapped person in a wheel chair?? Me! Worst part was, he was trying to tell the police that I hit him because he's black...
Me: I still don't know how the universe would let you hit a handicapped person...

515) Me: *On Computer* Danice, Come here!!!
Danice: *Washing hands in bathroom* Why?
Me: Just do it!
Danice: Hold on!
Me: No, just come now!
Danice: I'm washing my hands.
Me: Rape!! RAAPE!
Kalia: Hannah's Raping me!!!
Danice: Hold on!
Me: Come on, get over here now! It won't take long!
Danice: FINE! *comes in*
Me: *shows Danice a picture of a dog and its owner* Don't you think they look alike?
Danice: ô.o Yeah. That's it?
Me: Yeah.
Danice: I'm going to go finish washing my hands...

516) Me: Hey, Julian, do you want to smell my box?
Julian: Heck yeah I wanna smell your box! *I hand him small box Elissa gave me for xmas, Pause* Oh wow, it smells like wood...really woody! *Pause* Oh! And it smells like chocolate inside your box!
Brad: Y'know...eavesdropping on conversations is really...interesting...

517)Julian: *while I'm training him at work* You know...it would be really interesting if my voice...came out of a twelve year old girl... *naturally has a Barry White voice*
Me: 0.0
Julian: Mom, could you buy me some My Little Ponies? Man, I sure hope Johnny takes me to the dance...

518)Me: Hey John, I've been trying to convince all the n00bs that you're the mean lead!
John: *The nicest human being on the planet* Why? I've just been introducing myself as the Tall Blonde Zombie on the floor...the Blonde Zombie...the Blombie...
Me: You are the perfect height to eat the brains of unsuspecting customers!
John: *nostalgic look* I know.

519) Julian: So I was staring at your flower this morning...
Me: Oh, were you now? <3
Julian: ... DAMMIT! I set myself up for that one...
Me: ^_^
William: *walks into office*
Me: So, apparently Julian's been staring at my flower...
William: what?
Me: Wanna see it?
William: See your...what?
Me: Here, let me show you! *reaches under desk and holds up drawing of flower*
William: OH MY GOD It's gorgeous! Wow, and it's so BIIIIG!
Julian: *dies*

520) Elissa: I'm bored.
Me: Then smell this.
Elissa: Oooh that's nice. We have big black ones in Websales.
Julian: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT???
Me: Markers...

521) Mike C: *Store director* If you haven't gotten your official job description from your supervisor yet, you better tell him.
Me: *E-mails Alan, my supervior* Can the phrase "Karmic Police Officer" be in there somewhere? I really think it should be part of my job description.

522) Danice: So, I applied to some hospitals around the place we might move to.
Me: Awesome! Did you put fellatio down as a skill?
Danice: ... No...but I put cunnilingus and rim jobs down...
Me: Nicely done! You should be getting a call back very soon!

523) Me: You're nuttier than a squirrel in a tree....with his nuts!

524) Shannon: My hair is brown!
Me: It's dirty blonde!
Shannon: No, it's not!
Michelle: Dude, it's dirty blonde.
Shannon: BROWN!
Me: It's clearly dirty blonde. You're just color blind. You've been staring at too many hippie beads.
Shannon: *Grabs pretty glass bead around neck* HEY!

525) Me: Oh Michael, if only I were a man or you weren't gay...then we could really be married!
Michael: Yeah, but for now, we can just pretend to be married.
Me: *sighs* There's always something wrong in my Fairytails...
Michael: Yeah, they're full of fairies!

526) Me: *Looking at new phones for upgrade* I dunno, the En-V seems sort of tumor is...where as the Gleam I can just sorta set right here on my shoulder and stuff...
Verizon Associate: Well, that's why you get a Blue Tooth. *points to Blue Tooth in his ear*
Me: Then I'll look like an android!
Verizon Associate: But you have long hair, so it should cover it.
Me: Then I'll just look crazy!

526) Kalia: *driving into Starbucks to buy coffee for us and getting some for Nanci,too after going to Sanrio Store*
Me: Sititng in passenger seat holding a giant Kuromi Hello Kitty doll*
Kalia: *Orders drinks and pulls forward*
Me: Dude...we just ordered three drinks, and there's two of us. They're going to think we ordered a drink for the doll!

527) Me: *at work, doing mail*
Amy: *comes over* I'm looking for an invoice from Ash City...
Me: Ass-city! Ass-city *going on like some sort of little monkey*
Amy: Whatever, if you see it, let me know.
Me: *fifteen minutes later, still going through mail* Amy, was it Ash City?
Amy: Yeah. Why?
Me: *sing song voice* No reason...
Amy: Did you find it? Do you have it?
Me: No.
Amy: Are you joking? Are you being serious?
Me: Yes...wait...No.
Amy: *comes over and starts rummaging through all my piles and making a mess* Where is it? It's not here!
Me: I know!
Amy: Why didn't you say so?
Me: I did!
Amy: I thought you were lying!
Me: That's not MY fault you don't believe me!

528) Me: In my assignment, I have to use one sentence from homework I previously turned in, them ramble on about that ONE sentence for an entire page, single spaced. It's modeled after this author we're reading...he has these amazing powerful...powers of rambling!
Kalia: Like Rambling to the tenth power?
Me: Yeah! And he just rambles on and on and on...for like PAGES about the same idea, the same sentence, even. And he doesn't really go anywhere with it. He just stays with it. And I can't really do that. I don't really repeat the same sentence...it's not in my nature. I just can't keep rambling on and on and on about the same thing. It just gets repetitive....I don't like to ramble. *blinks* sort of...like I am right now...

529) Me: *splattering pink/red paint onto paper at work while Thomas watches me intently*
Rich (manager): *walks by, inquisitive look*
Me: We're drawing what it would look like if you pushed your friend out in front of on-coming traffic ^_^
Rich: *Horrified look*
Thomas: *nostalgic face* It would look like pink mist...

530) Me: *Doing laundry at sister's house*
Scotty (Nephew): *helping me by handing me my towels* More! *pulls out dish towel, gasps* Awww!!! CUTE!! Baby towel!*runs around basement with dishtowel*
Me: ô.o

531)Manager: *brings in donut boxes*
Mike L: Oooh!
Me: Donuts! *we go into breakroom to see the donuts*
Mike L: Glazed...nice.
Me: *picks up top box to show chocolate glazed donuts*
Mike L & Me: *Gasps loudly*
Me: Oh my god...we just fat kidded out.
Mike L: Yup.

532) Me: *discussing with Mike L about how vegetarians pressing their views on you is ridiculous and how our canine teeth are proof that we evolved with the ability to eat meat*
Mike L: *Ranting* I mean, LOOK! We have fucking canine teeth for a fucking REASON! And we need the prote--*starts choking on his McDonald's hamburger*
Michelle: What timing.
Mike L: Shut up, it went down the wrong tube.

533) Jessica & Me: *sharing fries at work*
Me: I want ketchup!
Jessica: Then go get some!
Me: I will, I will! *goes out to get the ketchup*
Jessica: *waiting at the desk*
Me: *returns, running up to door with worried look on face*
Jessica: What's wrong? Where's the ketchup?
Me: Well...I went to McDonald's...and I saw that they didn't have their ketchup out...and the employees were all swarming around the counter and I wasn't the one who bought the fries...and I know they would know that if I asked them for ketchup since they were pretty dead...and I just stood there, staring at the counter...so...I panicked and grabbed two packets of pepper instead and ran off...
Jessica: What? Go back out there and get the ketchup!
Me: But...McDonald's...
Jessica: The Hot Dog place has ketchup...get some from there!
Me:...fine...*walks out door*
Jessica: *waits at the desk*
Me: *returns with unsure matter*
Jessica: What's wrong now?
Me: Well, the guy was out by the counter at the Hot Dog place so...it would be really awkward if I took some packets of ketchup...so...I brought back hot sauce from Taco Bell instead...

534) Kalia: Want a frozen circus cookie?
Me: Yeah! *reaches in bag and pulls out cookie with very little frosting* I don't want this one!
Kalia: I want it!
Natalie: I want it!
Me: No! I want it now. Demand just went up.

535) Me: Natalie! Kalia's deep-throating her cookie!
Natalie: *walks into room*
Me: I'm gonna laugh if you gag yourself while you're deep-throating and you have to throw up all over your cookie.
Kalia: Me too!
Natalie: That's gross, I'm trying to eat!
Me: I am too!
Natalie: No you're not!
Me: Yes I am! It's in my mouth and I'm chewing!

534) Me: *intense voice* Natalie has a boner!
Jessica: What?
Me: I mean...a boner donor..
Jessica: A boner donor?
Me: I mean! I mean she has a donor BONE in her finger!
Jessica: ... wouldn't a boner donor be a boyfriend?
Me: Shut up.

535)Me: *Valencia Orange Juice ad comes on TV* Ever had that?
Kalia: No.
Me: You haven't had a Valencia Orange?
Kalia: No, I had the orange.
Me: That's what I asked!
Kalia: Oh, I thought you were still talking about the juice.
Me: So, what's the difference?
Kalia: Well, one's an orange and the other's a liquid...
Me: NO! I meant between Valencia oranges and regular ones!
Kalia: Oh. Valencia's taste more like orange.

536) Natalie, Kalia and I: *whining to Nanci about how she should drive us to the store*
Me: I as in an accident!
Kalia: I was Bertuzzied!
Natalie:...I got a new job!

537) Me: *Sleeping at 2 am*
Nanci: *Bursts into room* Honey, are you hungry?
Me: What?...No.
Nanci: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I'm sure.
Nanci: Kalia's making food downstairs. I can bring you her food.
Me: You know, Nanci, I think I'll be fine. I'm going back to sleep now...

538) Me: *Rear-ended in my car by a couple of guys*
My dad: *Drove over to help me*
Guy who hit me: I go to the same school as your daughter...
My Dad: Oh really? And you hit her?
Guy: Yeah...
My dad: Well, that seems like a stupid way to meet people. Why didn't you just say "Hi" to her on campus?
Me: =.=
Guy: *laughs nervously*
My dad: So what's your major?
Guy: Chemistry.
My dad: Ooo...very nice. And you?
Guy's passenger: Biology. I'm going to go to Med School.
My dad: Very, very nice!
Me: =.= *under breath* stop trying to hook me up...

539) Me: *on the sales floor in my skirt and blouse*
LP John: OH WOW! Hannah...you look nice today. I was going to ask if we had a new hire...!
Me: What? So does that just mean that I look FUGLY every other day??
LP John: No! That's not what I meant--!
Me: Sure it wasn't! That's just like saying that I look less fat today!

540)Me: Walks into bathroom in robe.
Liz: Oh...it's a robe. I thought it was a curtain...
Me: Thanks a lot, Liz. Way to make me feel good about myself...

541) Michael P: WHEN DO YOU TURN????
Me: 0,0 what?
Michael P: When do you turn 21???


542) Liz: I'd make an awesome armadillo.

543)Jake from Stockroom: What should I get to drink?
Me: Uhm...you want a Dr. Pepper? *Offers out her soda fountain drink*
Jake: *takes it and sips from straw*
Me: *cringe*
Jake: No...a fruit drink?
Me: No...fruit drinks are for fruitty people.
Jake: Okay...how about tea? I like tea.
Me: Lipton's Green tea?
Jake: ...yes....yes that's what I want *walks off*
***One or two hours later***
Me: *takes sip from drink* GODDAMMIT!!!!!!! *slams drink into trash can*
Jesica: What's wrong with you?
Me: I forgot that guy drank from my straw. GODDAMMIT!!!

544) Chipper: Are you 21 yet?
Me: No.
Chipper: Dammit! You're just not catching up to me in age!
Me: I can't help it!

545)Danice, Kalia, Me: *Playing monopoly Earth*
Danie: I don't understand why you're winning...

546) Danice: *rather drunkenly staggers to Liz's room, my other roommate* Liz-ca....I am going to the bathroom. You better hope I don't miss...BITCH.

547)Danice, Kalia, Me: *Playing monopoly Earth*
Danice: *slurring, points at me* You're not a bitch...*points at Liz* You're not a bitch...*really long pause as he stares at Kalia* ...and you're not a bitch. I'M the bitch. My mouth is foamy.

548) Danice: My knee landed on Buddha!

549)Danice, Kalia, Me: *Still playing monopoly Earth*
Danice: I don't want New Jersey coming into this game! *Points to Jail*

550) Danice: Don't think drunk...think streal!

551) Danice: *in charge of writing* I'm gonna write this upside...upside...upside right.

552) Me: Can someone walk on my back please?
Danice: Yeah, go ahead.

553)Danice, Kalia, Me: *playing monopoly Earth*
Danice: *In frustrated voice* How much will you sell New Guinea for???!!!
Kalia: For $100
Danice: For real???
Me: Danice! You OWN that property! We've been over this three times already. Or are you too drunk to remember?
Danice:...what?

554)Kalia and I: *buy Ice Cream Shots at the store, which are like Dippin' Dots, but in a bigger package and can be bought at King Sooper's*
Me: ...How can I go back to eating regular ice cream when dippin dots are made readily available??
Kalia: I don't think we are meant to.

555)Me: *talking about how Pandas became endangered and won't reproduce in capitivity* I think it's because Pandas are like, "Hey, I'm fat. You're fat. Get off of me and let's go eat some cake."

556) Me: (txt message I sent) "I hattut kixwy phone hi courtney i mission you!"
(Me trying to send a txt on Liz's phone, which the phone substituted kixwy for liz...and me failing miserably because she has auto suggest)
The Translation: "I have liz's phone. Hi courtney, I miss you!"
Liz: Great, now whenever I try to type "happen," it's going to auto suggest "hattut" and I'll remember how retarded you are.

557) Sharon: Scott had the nerve to call me arrogant this morning!
Amanda: Like...from Lord of the Rings?
Sharon: What? No- ARROGANT.
Amanda: Oh...I thought he just said it that way, since he spells "volleyball" "Vooleyball." He's such a nerd.
Sharon: Yeah he is. He's the kid I would have beat up in high school.
Amanda: I would have dated that kid.
Me: ... I would have been that kid.
Sharon: Oh...well...if it's any consolation, Amanda would have dated you.

558)Me: So, if Bruce Wayne became Batman to make other people experience his fear...would that mean I'd be Tom Cruise Woman?
Danice: Would that make me Jesus Man?
Me: Or would I be Tom Cruise on Fire Girl? I mean, I'd like to see him on fire and stuff, but I'm a pyrophobic, so I wouldn't want it around ME or anything...

559)Me: Oooh! I want a body pillow!
Liz: I want you to get a body pillow.
Me: Uh, okay. You think I should?
Liz: Yeah, so we can lay on your bed together and share a pillow in your nice room. It would be nice.
Me: .... *gives her confused look*
Liz: Now, see you made that into something gay with that look. It wasn't gay before!
Me: Oh no, it was gay long before my look.
Liz: There's nothing wrong with us sharing a pillow!!

560) Tim: Man, the internet hates me. it's not letting me get on.
Me: If I were the internet I'd let you...get...on...me...That came out wrong. I didn't think my sentence through to the end...

561) Erin: The internet is taking over my body! It's logged onto me!!!

562)Erin: We're like total opposites of the same!

563)Chris: If I were a cat I would go in a padded room and climb up the ceiling and be all *mimes hanging from ceiling by claws*
Me: What is wrong with you?

564)Me: Look....I'm The Emperor...."Rise!" *holds arm out to tortilla dough on counter*
Chris: What?
Me: The Emperor...Star Wars....Rise...dough...
Chris: You're stupid.

565)Me: So there's a house we want to buy a few blocks down from my place.
Danice: What's it called?
Me: Ehm....a house?

566)Chris: They should have a restaurant where you sit on toilets and you shit as you eat.
Danice: That would be like driiiiiiviiiiing....
Me: You're drunk on MSG, aren't you?

567)Me: *talking about dinner* Bean Spouts :) Oh...wait...bean SPROUTS with ab "r."
Danice: Bean Spouts...aren't they those cylinder things where the beans come out?
Me: You mean cans?

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