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Page name: Prolouge [Logged in view] [RSS]
2004-04-09 01:30:07
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Prologue


She walked down the halls of her asylum with her huge security officer. It smelled of urine and droppings. Her skin of olive white, her the color of a raven in flight, her eyes sparkled like two emeralds laying in a heap of treasure. Yet her smile was extremely sinister. That’s why many fell into her trap for she was a beauty. She was as a sly, seducing spider, her victims; the inspecting flies that had perfect lives until they had become tangled in her web. The people in the undersized, limited rooms watched her pass in agony.
“You idiotic woman!” yelled a teen aged girl. “Don’t you get it? We’re not crazy!”
The woman paid her no attention to her or the other cries of her patients who declared that they were normal. The hall echoed with their desperate cries.
“Fools!” she turned back around, pacing the halls once more. “I am your savior! You should be thanking me!”
“Why should we?” asked a man. “You taken us from our homes.”
That was true but she didn’t care. What they had should have been hers but no. Her life had been lovely until that horrid day. Never again would she be happy unless she destroyed the lives of those she envied.
“I want to go home!” cried a little girl.
Her door was opened. There stood the lady. The girl ran to the corner of her room but the women’s thug grabbed the child’s leg. The horror stricken child screamed as she was dragged from her room and into the lady’s office.
“Sweet dreams!” she said to the others before she slammed the door.
The patients exchanged nervous glances as they heard the noise from the office. They heard the girls cries but she was in vain. No one in the halls could help but they all longed to. The child screamed at the top of her lungs until it ceases, leaving an eerie silence among the halls.


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2004-04-06 [mywolfalways]: I think if you put more details this can be a little more...effective, I guess is how I would put it. It's a good start, but I feel it needs more detail.

2004-04-06 [Blaze the Nameless]: Okay, how should I add more detial?

2004-04-16 [mywolfalways]: Sent you a message on it. ^_~

2004-04-16 [thestranger]: Hmmm my criticism would be try to show things, instead of telling your readers. You're doing a lot of telling them, instead of letting them come to conclusions on their own.

2004-07-09 [metallickittycat]: i like it but what do the cells look like? do they have toilets,beds with white sheet, white walls, like an insane sylum?

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