Raiff's Journal

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2007-04-15 14:36:47

Last author: Raiff
Owner: Raiff

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Raiff's Journal

Too many things upset me. When people say they are having a bad day i want to shout at them that they know nothing. But i say nothing with gritted teeth. Its hard to know or find a balance between expecting nothing and expecting too much for of from myself. It changes all the time. I dont think i want any more therapy. Ive had more than enough of it for now and i usually come away dissapointeda nyway. Im not fond of them(therapists) as a "species" anyway. They have it in their power to disregard anything you say and say its just the "illness" talking. And because depressives typically/traditionally have a pessimistic view, so whatever you say can be didmissed with little opposition. I think negative thinking in itself isnt enough to generate depression and that it can work the other way - being a depressive doesnt always mean you think negatively.

The last two or three months ive felt myself to be in a 'medicated bubble'. There has been a new lighter edge to my moods. I felt i was starting to have a chance at life. Id make myself talk even if its difficult or i dont want to. But like all bubbles, it had to burst and mine did the day before xmas eve although i didnt become completely aware of it until xmas day night. Since then i have been like 'my old self'. While i was in my bubble i weas anxious, more than usual, about feeling better because it felt unatural but i was prepared to accept it assuming(and hoping) in time i would get used to it.

With all the shit we put up with all the time, im not surprised people completely crumble or go on rampages(not that i approve of rampages, obviously)But you do think you yourself...Why do i put with this?

A good friend of mine is having a breakdown and im poweless to stop it. All i can do is wait for her text messages and hope she can hold on in there. I feel for her kids too, having there mother so ill and helpless.

April 07. The last six months ive felt an improvement in my health. Im enjoying it but im also worried as less than a year ago i had to leave my job from being suicidal and having a severe relapse. Now i have a steady job and im managing myself financially. I also started doing the course i always wanted to for the last two years or so. Im training to be a counsellor, which is just amazing.
And yet i know hard times are ahead and i wonder how and if i will cope. In January im to see a Consultant to review my medication to see if it needs adjusting or if i can even come off it. I dont think thats likely..i know my mind has a habit of not sticking around.

Depression Diary
Depression Awareness
[Raiff]

Work in Progress

2006-04-01 [leaving for good]: i know exactly how you feel :D

2006-04-01 [Raiff]: Lucky you, coz im not laways sure ;-)

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