Portion of a project for English III with Mrs. Kramer...

"In English class, my third and final year of high school, the opportunity rises from the woodwork of my mind to prompt me gently to put pen to paper and complete the circuit of thought. As I leave this place, this place I have loved and hated, I take a monumental step toward the physical abandonment of my childhood. I need a way of keeping in touch with my past, other than scrabbling to hold onto the fleeting treasure that has been my youth. I've decided to make note of my reflections on life so far, so that I may refer back to pubescence and prepubescence as I see fit in the years to come. 

In reflecting back upon these last fifteen years, I can see small events, insignificant at the time and now ripened to full fruitfulness, having their effects on my life and my soul. I see people who played small roles in my life before coming to realise the full potential of their characters in my epic story. I see brushes on shoulders or quick smiles bearing long-term results. I see actions I deemed infinitesimal showing consequences - good and bad - in my everyday life here in the present.

I still do not know myself. Perhaps I never will. But I feel that somehow, in everything I experience, all I create, and everyone I meet, that there is a piece to the puzzle which, when put together at long last, will show my entire identity.

I still can come up to my own private room and be. The scent of candles, the rigid order diffused by cluttered collections of books and papers and bric-a-brac: these are who I am. In my room, I am the Queen. Everything occurs as is my whim. So it is written, so it is done - so feeds my ego. I experience the best in my room - the most exhilirating highs, the torturous terrors, deepest understandings - through throught and book and music.

At the present moment, I am very excited, yet also frightened. My future looms large in front of me, pulsating slightly and pregnant with promise, beckoning to me with one undeniable finger. Dare I reach that potential? Dare I not?

Always I want to be free. I want to experience everything worth experiencing, and to learn from each experience. Never do I want to be hindered by anything - commitments, emotions, myself. I've got to be free, to do what I want, to be who I want. I need to go where I like and wear what I like and be all that I can possibly be.

I am afraid of that future, though, so undeniable and yet somehow so out of reach. It seems like I am being pulled through some inner space, hurtling toward it, propelled by its inescapable gravity. Can I survive the impact? And what if I miss it and simply go into orbit, with my bright, glowing future forever just out of reach? Will it haunt me, then? I am certain it will. So again, I ask myself... Dare I? Dare I not?

Spare me from mediocrity. Permit me to at least leave behind one thing that can influence someone, somewhere. If one person can see my work and find a piece of themself inside it, then I will not be mediocre. I will have achieved all that I want and need to achieve, and I shall rise above the shadows of my youthful doubts and my soul will know peace.

I think I would like to call myself a dragoness, invincible (or nearly so). Cunning and creative, I would like to be, with an unrivaled appreciation for beauty in all its forms, not just the physical. Indeed, I possess many qualities of a dragoness already. I collect things; I create and I have the power to destroy. When I fight I can be a vicious rival - with my pen, of course. Can I ever exhibit the graceful strength that is dragonflesh? I hope something like that is within that blindingly bright future I've got coming.

Sometimes I try to exceed myself, though this has never been a productive action. I can only do what I can do; pushing myself beyond my limit has done nothing but backfire, leaving me worse off than I ever was before. I need to make notes not to inhibit myself by trying to be more than I am.

Never, never, never will I reach a state of mediocre apathy so acute that I never contribute anything to society. This is my one great hope, and a vow to myself. I will stand alone on the bridge, yes, if need be, and I may have to let the river flow beneath me, but if I can do one thing to clean that polluted flow I shall do so.

I am continually more aware of the power which chance plays in my life. While I personally do not believe in it, others do - many others in fact. They speak of coincidence, of the odds, the improbabilities. I speak of fate, of predestined events. People think this is odd because I do not believe in a god or even a higher entity. Fate for me is the higher power in our lives. Some call it God, some call it Allah, there are even some who call it Satan, but I feel the finger of Fate on my temples, especially as I come to realise the small events of the past only now revealing the major roles they had and will have in my life.

I am afraid. I feel uncertain. There is that future, always, oh-so-persistent, with all its potential for glory and its potential for my destruction. Which shall I be? Glorified or destroyed? Am I always to feel a weight attached with my future, or will I someday master it? All these questions ricochet around my mind, and all I can do is hope that one day they will be answered.

Oh, I love living! I love being who I am in every possible way! I love the changes I've been through, and how they've shaped everything I've become. I love the potential I have, the opportunities, like open doors waiting for me to cross their thresholds and explore the wonders beyond! I love the thrill of the uncertainty, of the hunt, of the race. Where will I go? Who will I be? Oh the wonderous possibilities of it all!

I am committed to furthering myself, for the moment. I want to land on that future of mine and harness it - then whoop with joy as it takes me for a ride. Until then, though, I must prepare myself for that moment where I come fully into my own. What better way is there than exploring my interests, my abilities? I feel like I've made a tremendous start, but that there is still a long road ahead of me. So I'll strap on my walking shoes, heft my pack onto my back, and step onto the road, with my heroes and role models for company. To paraphrase Tolkein, who knows where I'll be swept off to?

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