Skin Deep

The cold stung my face as I wondered down the lane slowly, low ragged breaths being used more to warm my hands than to fuel my muscles. I cursed the fact that snowploughs never cleared out my road, the fact I had to leave the bus at the top of the road and walk the rest of the way in heavy snow and treacherous icy patches. While this mile long trip was always troublesome, it was getting worse by the moment, and that wasn’t even because I hadn’t packed a warm coat today so I was shivering the entire way back.
It had been haunting me for days, nights even; it leaked between the edges of my sanity and soaked through me like a sponge, becoming more than an idea. This was part of me now, it was restless and struggled to escape the excuse for a body. It came to me at the worst moments, the mundane world slipping away from me until nothing of it remained; reality always returned though, the slightest touch or word breaking the spell. I could never remember what it was however, I just knew it demanded me constantly, yet wished to escape me in the same moment.
It took me now even as I walked through the cold streets of the country lane towards my home, enveloping me in the warm disdainful embrace as always. This time it was different however, the cold which dug deep inside me already aided the illusion in further; my step was faltering, my legs stiffening as I tried to soldier on through the knee high snow. My body felt like lead. Every movement was draining me of more energy, but the image was getting stronger with every passing moment, I could almost tell what it was now; it was like something I glimpsed in the peripherals of my mind, annoyingly present but never really there enough for me to see. Maybe... if I slowed down enough... it’d catch up with me... and I could finally see it? It was getting hot now, I wonder why that was. Maybe I should open my shirt and let the cold get at me a bit more? The first buttons came free easily, my fingers had stopped trembling finally.
As I stepped slower along the icy path I felt my feet fail me, my shirt open now so I could try and cool myself down. It didn’t feel like it was working though, I was getting even hotter. I suppose... I mean no one was around, why not strip right down?

I stopped, I couldn’t move on anymore, I just stood there with my eyes closed, swaying slightly as the images spread throughout me. I was part of it, it was part of me, and for one moment I felt it move outside me and I move with it. My eyes opened slowly, unfocused but staring all the same; if I concentrated I could feel the pain, pain of being unable to distinguish the many from the few, if I just let it hold me still in this detached realm then I could spread out. I didn’t need to turn to see in my peripheral now, I could see everything, including why what I was searching for not moved in front of me.
The glimmer of frost in the air, a slight invisible movement of unsettled snow; I could see them now I wasn’t trying to. Wings were there, transparent but there. I couldn’t feel them, I couldn’t see them, but they were there. You could tell from the eddies of wind that seemed to curl around them, as thin as shadows but still ever present. I knew what was there now, and I knew what I wanted to do. They stretched out beside me, for a moment the snow gathered and I could see that they seemed to span on forever in either direction, an imprint in the wind. They twitched, the snow fell, the spell broke, and I soared.
Everything seemed a blur of white, land and sky merging into one ever lasting blanket embracing my bare flesh. I couldn’t see whether I had left the ground or not, but I could feel rushing all around me, the pounding of wings in my ears as I climbed higher. I must be flying, I must be far above the ground by now, above the repetitive series of meaningless tasks I call a life. There was white all around and white inside me, my naked pure body suspended in this innocent white land high above any physical care or demand. I wanted to stay here, to live above the world in this endless white warmth.
The realisation of everything around me came at a price however, although I welcomed this gift as it allowed me to transcend to the sky above, it gave me the horrible truth that only honest reflection can present. I no longer held the blind ignorance of the earth bound mortal, I knew from the beginning what I must eventually do, but that did not stop the still human part of me denying this intrinsic truth. I knew I must return back to that idiotic figure, feet dragging across the floor instead of the endless gliding among the clouds; I must filthy my flesh with garments, feels shame and muddy my feet upon the soil. But for now, just this moment, I could still soar.
And just maybe this moment.
Could last forever.

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