naughtyLOTRstories



Brought to you by [Tanzi Took]

Written by Tanya Wonnacott [Tanzi Took] and Elizabeth Ryder [Gracie]

Scenes 17 18 and 19

Continued from Scenes 15 and 16

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Scene 17

Narrator: The next day the fellowship of the ring set off on their long journey.

They stop for dinner on a hilltop,



the hobbits practice sword fighting,
while Boromir hangs out some washing to dry.
Legolas washes his hair with Herbal Essence in a stream.
Gandalf gazes into the distance with a vacant expression on his face when suddenly he sees a blue tit over head.



Gandalf: AAAGGGRRRHHH!!! Spies! Take cover!

Aragorn: Dude, it's just a bird!

Gandalf: It's a servant of the enemy, hide!

Narrator: Gandalf dives under a bush.

Legolas: God damn that bitch is paranoid son!



Boromir: What is that?

Narrator: In the distance a flock of birds (spies of Saruman) drew near searching for the fellowship.

Gandalf: HIDE!!

Narrator: Everyone took cover under the bushes as the spies flew overhead. Frodo dived under the same bush as Sam who immediately got a boner.

Sam: I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away Mr Frodo.

Frodo: What are you talking about, I'm hiding.

Narrator: Sam's hand began to creep up Frodo's leg.

Sam: I knew you liked me ever since that night in Lord Elrond's bed.

Frodo: Sam I was fucking unconscious.

Sam: Come on Mr Frodo you know you want to.

Narrator: Sam attempts to unzip Frodo's trousers so Frodo slaps him around the face.

Sam: I'm sorry Mr Frodo you know I get a bit carried away sometimes.

Frodo: Ok just don't do it again!!

Narrator: Meanwhile Aragorn was smoking a joint under another bush and flicking the ash catches the bush on fire.



Legolas: Damn it Aragorn EVERY DAMN TIME!

Aragorn: My bad.

Narrator: Aragorn tries to stamp out the fire but catches his new Nike trainers a light. Frodo rolls his eyes and Boromir throws his carton of Ribeana over Aragorn's foot.

Gimli: They've gone! That was a close call!

Narrator: Gimli reverses his, brand new electric wheelchair sponsored by Kellogg's rice krispies out from under the bank. Legolas returns to the stream and rinses the shampoo from his hair.

Pippin: Yo Gandalf you can come out now.

Gandalf: Piss off you fucking pimp.

Pippin: Hey at least I make a living. I don't remember you complaining you gave me some good business.

Gandalf: Shhuuuuussh!!

Aragorn: We should be leaving.



Narrator: Legolas applies his Clearasil complete and blow dries his hair. (Legolas' hairdryer)

Aragorn: Hey Legolas!! You wanna rap it up we're going!

(Legolas' hairdryer speeds up)

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Scene 18

Narrator: After several hours of trying to prise Gandalf out from under the bush, the fellowship move onto the snowy mountain of Caradhras.

Legolas: Hey Boromir what's that pink thing sticking out of your backpack?

Narrator: Boromir proudly reveals his pink Spice Girls lunch box.



Gandalf: Wow Boromir that's nice!

Aragorn: God, you're so gay Gandalf!

Gandalf: What did you say?

Aragorn: Oh, I'm sorry, maybe I should have said it louder then! Ahem….HE'S GAY! GANDALF'S GAY, HE'S GAY! GAY!!!

(Legolas' music comes on)

Boromir: Hey Legolas do you have any Spice Girls?

Aragorn: GAY GAY GAY!!!

Gandalf: I'M NOT GAY!



Legolas: But dude, you're called Gandalf the Gay!

Gandalf: I KNOW! IT'S JUST A NAME!! I'M NOT GAY!!

Aragorn: ………………..You're so gay!

Gandalf: I'M NOT GAY I SHAGGED YOUR MOTHER!!

(Music stops, random gasps)

Aragorn: WHAT?!



Gandalf: That's right Aragorn, I am your father.

Aragorn: I thought Arathorn was my father!?!

Gandalf: ……………..God damn your mum was a whore!

Narrator: Aragorn throws a large rock at Gandalfs head, but it hit Frodo when Gandalf ducked. Frodo falls to the ground and starts rolling down the mountain. Aragorn runs to pick him up.

Aragorn: Sorry Frodo, my bad I was aiming for Gandalf.

Frodo: AHH that really bloody hurt!



Aragorn: I'M SORRY!! What can I do?

Frodo: Mmm you could, make it up to me later…..

Aragorn: ‘Bout 10:00?

Frodo: …sure

Aragorn: Hey you dropped the ring!



Boromir: I'll get it!

Narrator: Boromir picks up the ring.

Boromir: Wow it is pretty isn't it?! Hey, I got one like this from Argos!

Aragorn: GIVE THE RING TO FRODO!

Narrator: Aragorn charges at Boromir (poor bastard didn't see it coming)



knocking Frodo over in the process who starts rolling down the mountain again,…..but nobody seems to notice.

Meanwhile, Aragorn is sitting on Boromir poking him in the face.

Aragorn: Boromir!! Give the ring to Frodo!!

Sam: Hey, where is Mr Frodo?

Legolas: I CAN SEE HIM! HE'S ROLLING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN AGAIN!!

Gimli: I'll get him!!

Narrator: Sam takes his black dildo out of his bag and sneaks it in his pocket.

Sam: Don't worry I'll go!!

Gimli: I CAN DO IT MYSELF!!

Narrator: Gimli speeds up to 5mph after Frodo, and Sam runs into a bush with his dildo.

Legolas: Gimli and Frodo won't be back for another five hours!!.....Any requests?

Boromir: Spice Girls!

Narrator: Aragorn punches Boromir

Boromir: AW!!



Narrator: Boromir pinches Aragorn

Aragorn: Hey bitch!!



Gandalf: Oh for goodness sake! Break it up!

Narrator: After waiting several hours for Gimli and Frodo to return, Merry decides to phone one of his prostitutes. Pippin and Legolas were doing vodka shots and jamming to the vengaboys, Aragorn and Gandalf were having a peace offering consisting of pot and crack. Boromir was sitting quietly on a rock sewing a patch onto his trousers. Half an hour later Merrys prostitute turns up.

Prostitute: Hey Merry, where can we go?

Merry: Hmmmm, what about that bush over there!

Narrator: They iconspicuously creep over to the bush.

(Battery opperated vibrating noise)

Prostitute: What's that noise?

Merry: Not sure, Sam is that you in there?

Sam: (mumbles)

Narrator: Frodo speeds over the hill on Gimli's brand new electric wheelchair sponsered by Kellogg's rice krispies.


Gimli came crawling behind

Legolas: Look Gimli and Frodo have returned from yonder, from the place that isn't here, from a distant land, from a far away place, from-

Gandalf: OK! We get the fucking point Legolas! Are you drunk again?

Legolas:.................yeah!

Narrator: Pippin stars to laugh hysterically and throws the empty vodka bottle at Gandalf before passing out and rolling towards Frodo, who came speeding up on Gimli's brand new electric wheelchair sponsered by Kellog's rice krispies


and was run over....several times by Frodo. Boromir runs over to help Gimli who was desperatly trying to crawl.

Boromir: Oh, let me help you honey!

Gimli: I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!!!



Narrator: A pissed Legolas comes running over to Frodo.

Legolas: Dude you stole a wheelchair from a cripple!

Narrator: Legolas picks up Frodo and throws him into a bush where Sam was taking some 'time out'

Frodo: Sam! What are you doing here?!

Sam: I think the question is...what are YOU doing here Frodo?

Frodo: Legolas threw me in here!!!

Sam: Don't you think it's funny that fate keeps throwing us together like this Frodo?!

Frodo: It wasn't fate it was Legolas.

Sam: Stop denying fate Frodo, just let it happen, just let it in.

Frodo: For fuck sake Sam you faggot, pull the dildo out of your ass and lets go!

Narrator: Meanwhile, a totally drugged up Aragorn stumbles across Merry and his prostitute randomly having sex.



Aragorn: WOW!

Narrator: Aragorn starts to laugh hysterically

Merry: Man could you give us a little privacy?!

Aragorn: Sorry

Narrator: Aragorn stumbles off to find a near-to-paraletic Legolas who was poking Gimlis stump with his bow.

Legolas: You've only got one leg!!

Gimli: We've been through this!

Legolas: How did that happen anyway?!

Gimli: I...I...um, I lost it in a terrible battle of orcs and goblins.

Legolas: Wow that must have been gay.

Gimli: That's putting it mildly, I almost died!

Legolas: Wow sorry man!

Gandalf: Has anyone else noticed how fucked up this situation is?

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Scene 19

Narrator: After reaching the narrow edge of the mountain, the fellowship struggled through the four foot deep snow, except Legolas, being an elf who could walk with ease over the snow.



Finding it very amusing Legolas kicks snow in the faces of the fellowship.

Legolas: HAHAHA! You guys suck! Check me out! HAHA! I can walk on the snow! Haha! Screw you guys!

Narrator: Gandalf receives a mouthful of snow.

Gandalf: NARRAGHAGHAH!



Legolas: HAHA HAAAAAA!!!!

Gandalf: For fuck sake Legolas!

Narrator: Gandalf smacks Legolas with his staff and he goes flying into the side of the mountain



Legolas: AAAAraggh! Gay

Narrator: The Mountain begins to shake causing an avalanche covering the fellowship with snow. When the avalanche stops Legolas pops up from under the snow.

Legolas: I'M ALIVE!



Narrator: Eventually, they all emerge except Gimli, whose brand new electric wheelchair sponsored by Kellogg's rice krispies was stuck, his wheels were spinning full pelt causing snow to fly in all directions.



In a moment of panic, Gimli accidentally reverses his wheelchair off the side of the mountain, and would have gone over the edge if Legolas hadn't caught him by his stump just in time. Gimli was still furiously holding onto his wheelchair which was spinning insanely flinging snow in Legolas' face.

Legolas: Gimli let go of the wheelchair!

Gimli: NO!

Legolas: Dude, I can't keep this up much longer!



Gimli: I'm not letting go!

Legolas: AAARGHHH!!

Gimli: AAARGHHH!!



Narrator: Gimli's wheelchair was still spinning out of control flicking snow in everyone's faces. Gandalf who had been watching in amusement for several hours was getting quite bored and decided he would help.

Gandalf: Oh for fuck sake!

Narrator: Gandalf lifted Gimli back over. Legolas buried his hands in the snow with disgust.

Legolas: AAARagah! Get it away! It's so gross! Why god? Why! This is totally gay! AARAH!

Narrator: Aragorn had found this totally amusing

Aragorn: Dude are you cool?

Legolas: AAArgh!

Aragorn: ok.



Frodo: Hey, why don't we just go through the mines of Moria?



Gandalf: OH! Why didn't I think of that before? Ok lets go!

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The Journey continues....
Scene 20