The Medicine Cabinet

When things are not going well, the medicine cabinet is often the place to turn to. A well-stocked cabinet will almost always offer something that you can take that will make you feel better (even if there's nothing wrong with you). The properly maintained medicine cabinet should contain at least the following:

   Ace bandages- (2 sizes) Worn for minor strains, especially ueful to wear when someone wants you to help paint a house. Also, they attract attention and ead to conversations about health.

   Thermometers- (2) Second one was bought when the first seemed to be stuck at 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit (37 degrees Celsius).

   Ear syringe- For removal of ear wax. Used once, improperly, as water ended up streaming down the side of your face and shoulder and onto the floor.

   Cold remendies- (6) Capsules, pills, liquids. All especially used in anticipation of a cold. Do not operate farm machinery while under the inflence of these remedies.

   Aspirin- Gigantic, department-store size bottle. Always try to shake out just two tablets into your hand, as they do in the commercials.

   Laxative- Mint flavored.

   Q-Tips- For minor, curious probing. Careful not to puncture your ear drum. Bury them deep in the wastebasket after using them; they are not something that anyone else particularly wants to see.

   Vicks' Vapo-Rub- Wonderful fumes make you sob and ask for Mommy.

   Eye drops- For redness. Two drops in each eye and seven or eight on your cheeks and eyebrows.

   Nose drops- Highest strength, to prevent accidental suffocation while sleeping.

   Pepto-Bismol- To be taken once chest pains are determined not to be a heart attack. Pleasing minty taste.

   Mouthwash- Get the one that tastes the best, maybe a fresh mint flavour.

   Moist towelettes- Good for anxiety attacks.

   Bactine and Band-Aids- For lavish care of little scrapes and booboos.

   Vaseline- No medicine cabinet is complete without it.

   Kaopectate- If you have to use it, it's already too late.

   Snakebite Kit- You never know. Instructions make for fascinating toilet reading.

   Mysterious toothbrush- Not yours because you would never buy that color.

   Dental floss Waxed, mint flavored.

   Prescriptions- Tightly capped amber vials with pithy directions and your name misspelled; soldiers under your command in the struggle against infirmity:
1. Knockout pills.
2. Mood enhancers.
3. Real cough syrup.
4. Going-outside pills.
5. Staying-inside pills.
6. Breathing pills.
7. Earache drops from 6 years ago.
8. Yellow pills with missing label.
9. An empty vial.

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